• Picador
Reading Group Gold
The Guardians - Sarah MangusoSee larger image
See Hi-Res Jpeg image
See Hi-Res Tif image

email/print EmailPrint

The Guardians



Book Buy
Ebook Ebook 
    
Share this book with friends through your favorite social networking site. Share:           Bookmark and Share
Add this title to your virtual bookshelves at any of these book community sites. Shelve:             
sign up to get updates about this author
add this book's widget
to your site or blog

About The Author

Sarah MangusoSarah Manguso

Sarah Manguso is the author of a memoir, The Two Kinds of Decay; two books of poetry, Siste Viator and The Captain Lands in Paradise; and a short-story collection, Hard to Admit and Harder to Escape.

photo: © Andy Ryan

Stay In Touch

Sign up to recieve information about new releases, author appearances, special offers, all related to you favorite authors and books.

Other Books You Might Like

cover Buy

More formats
eBook
The Two Kinds of Decay
A Memoir

Picador
At twenty-one, just as she was starting to comprehend the puzzles of adulthood, Sarah Manguso was faced with another: a wildly unpredictable autoimmune...
cover Buy
A Life's Work
On Becoming a Mother

Picador
The experience of motherhood is an experience in contradiction. It is commonplace and it is impossible to imagine. It is prosaic and it is mysterious. It is at...
cover Buy

More formats
eBook
Close to the Machine
Technophilia and Its Discontents

Picador
With a New Introduction by Jaron Lanier A Salon Best Book of the Year In 1997, the computer was still a relatively new tool---a sleek and unforgiving...
  
cover Buy

More formats
eBook
Horace and Me
Life Lessons from an Ancient Poet

Picador
A WISE AND WITTY REVIVIAL OF THE ROMAN POET WHO TAUGHT US HOW TO CARPE DIEM How do we fill the void created by the excesses of a superficial society? How do...
  
cover Buy

More formats
eBook
Aesop's Mirror
A Love Story

Picador
SHORTLISTED FOR THE WILLIAM SAROYAN INTERNATIONAL PRIZE FOR WRITING Falling in love at first sight with a mirror in a Rhode Island auction, Maryalice...
cover Buy

More formats
eBook
Golden Boy
Memories of a Hong Kong Childhood

Picador
At seven years old, Martin Booth found himself with all of Hong Kong at his feet when his father was posted there in 1952. This is his memoir of that youth, a...
  
cover Buy

More formats
eBook
Borrowed Finery
A Memoir

Picador
Born in the 1920s to nomadic, bohemian parents, Paula Fox is left at birth in a Manhattan orphanage, then cared for by a poor yet cultivated minister in...
cover Buy

More formats
eBook
River of Smoke
A Novel

Picador
A New York Times Book Review Editors’ Choice A Washington Post Notable Fiction Book of Year A NPR Best Book of the Year  In Amitav Ghosh's Sea of Poppies,...
cover Buy

More formats
Audio eBook
Getting the Love You Want, 20th Anniversary Edition
A Guide for Couples

St. Martin's Griffin
REVISED AND WITH A NEW FOREWORD ARE YOU GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT? Originally published in 1988, Getting the Love You Want has helped millions of couples...
cover Buy
First 100 Words

Priddy Books
Your little one will soon learn some essential first words and pictures with this bright board book. There are 100 color photographs to look at and talk about,...
cover Buy

More formats
eBook
Ruin and Rising
The Grisha Trilogy

Henry Holt and Co.
The capital has fallen. The Darkling rules Ravka from his shadow throne. Now the nation's fate rests with a broken Sun Summoner, a disgraced tracker, and the...
  

EXCERPT

The Thursday edition of the Riverdale Press carried a story that began An unidentified white man was struck and instantly killed by a Metro-North train last night as it pulled into the Riverdale station on West 254th Street.
The train’s engineer told the police that the man was alone and that he jumped. The police officers pulled the body from the track and found no identification. The train’s 425 passengers were transferred to another train and delayed about twenty minutes.
*   *   *
If I were a journalist I’d have spoken to everyone and written everything down right away. I’d have gone to the hospital and met all the people who were on the psychiatric ward at the moment Harris walked out the door, and then this book would be a more accurate rendering of the truth.
If I were to write responsibly, with adequate research to confirm certain facts, I’d have to ask people about the last time they saw or spoke with or heard from my friend Harris. I’m afraid to ask his parents those questions. I’m afraid to talk with his last lover. I’m afraid to meet his doctors and the man who drove the train.
For three years I’ve studied klezmer orchestration, the physics of rainstorms, maps of Eastern Europe. I thought I could trade my life for this useless, vigorous research. Since I was afraid to know so many answers, I didn’t ask any questions, and now it’s been three years. Now no one could possibly be able to remember the mundanities of July 23, 2008.
I could have waited until the end of my life to try to understand what happened on that day, saved it for last so I could know its whole effect, but instead I waited what seems an arbitrary, meaningless length of time.
I tried so hard not to notice Harris’s death, I barely remember it. Time eroded the memory of it even as it gathered the dust of what’s happened since. But I need to try to remember it now so I might keep it from haunting me.
*   *   *
We know the lost time begins just after noon because that’s what the desk nurse said, and we know it ends at 10:48 because that’s when the train pulled into the station. Sometime during that minute, maybe the engineer engaged the air brake. Maybe he blew the whistle. And before or after the engineer did those things, the train’s snub nose, or maybe its whole underside, just above the rails, made contact with my friend’s still living body.
I want to say that ten hours are missing from Harris’s life, but that isn’t right. They were in his life. They just weren’t in anyone else’s.
Though I wish I could, I can’t say Harris lay down on the train track and felt relief. I can’t imagine anything but torment, a blinding light, then nothing.
What I carry now—it brightens sometimes, without warning—is not his pain. This pain is mine, and unlike my friend, I don’t try to hide it. I let it get all over everything. I yell in my studio. I cry on the subway. I tell everyone I know that my friend threw himself under a train.
*   *   *
Some people believe that only the selfish accept suicide as a possibility, but I don’t believe suicide is available to everyone. It was available to me for a moment, and then a door shut between me and it. The door has stayed shut.
Some people think I should be angry at Harris, but I’m not angry. I believe in the possibility of unendurable suffering.
A man whose lover died slowly wants this book to be about love.
A man whose brother died quickly wants this book to be about rage. I couldn’t save my brother, he says. It never goes away, he says.
*   *   *
Sometimes I wish someone else had died instead—someone who blocks the open subway doors, for example, or someone who leaves piles of peanut shells on a train car. The fantasy comes to me in a flash—I can bring him back to life!
The woman who changed her baby’s diaper and left the filth on an orange plastic subway seat—I’d have traded her for Harris. And I’d have traded the man who unwrapped a candy, placed it in his mouth, dropped the wrapper on the platform in front of his feet, chewed, unwrapped another candy, placed it in his mouth, dropped the wrapper on the platform in front of his feet, chewed.
*   *   *
Harris played music, wrote software, wrote music, learned to drive, went to college, went to bed with girls, moved to New York, moved to California, went to graduate school, moved back to New York, went to more graduate school. His three psychotic breaks occupied almost no part of his actual life.
During the first episode, he hired a lawyer, convinced his colleagues were conspiring against him. He called his sister, not knowing where he was, thinking he might have been slipped something. She told him to lie down and rest. He called himself an ambulance, sent it away, drove himself to a gas station, parked the car, got out, slept behind a trash bin. A talking dog appeared and told him to enter a house. The door was unlocked. The people inside called the police, and Harris was arrested and brought to the hospital. After thirty-six hours of telephone calls his mother found him.
I don’t know what breed of dog it was. I don’t know what color the house was. I don’t know how the doorknob felt in my friend’s hand.
After the first episode, sometimes he’d stop speaking before the end of a sentence.

 
Copyright © 2012 by Sarah Manguso

You May Also Be Interested In

cover Buy

More formats
eBook
The Hours
A Novel

Picador
A daring, deeply affecting third novel by the author of A Home at the End of the World and Flesh and Blood. In The Hours, Michael Cunningham, widely...
  Bonus
cover Buy
The Patrick Melrose Novels
Never Mind, Bad News, Some Hope, and Mother's Milk

Picador
NATIONAL BESTSELLER An Atlantic Magazine Best Book of the Year A Publishers Weekly Best Book of the Year “The Melrose Novels are a masterwork for the...
  
cover Buy

More formats
eBook
Annie John
A Novel

Farrar, Straus and Giroux Paperbacks
Annie John is a haunting and provocative story of a young girl growing up on the island of Antigua. A classic coming-of-age story in the tradition of The...