Think Like a Guy

How to Get a Guy by Thinking Like One

Giuliana DePandi

St. Martin's Griffin

Chapter One 

The Theory
Guys are naturally evasive,
and they are attracted to
evasive girls. Yes, evasive . . . 
e•va•sive adj.
1. Deliberately vague or ambiguous
2. Avoiding or escaping from difficulty or danger, especially enemy fire
3. Skillful at eluding capture
Why evasive, you ask? Men are hunters by nature. And it’s not the capture, it’s the hunt that really gets ’em going. There is nothing more unfulfilling to a man than easy prey. If a deer hunter lands his prey within the first five minutes he’s in the woods, he’ll experience an immediate sense of excitement. A big “Woo-Hoo.” But listen to me when I tell you that the joy will wear off as quickly as it came, and in no time, he’ll move on to his next victim.
Therefore, you have to let a guy sweat it out. Imagine this: A hunter enters the woods and after about seven or eight minutes, he spots his prey. He cocks his gun, takes aim, fires—and misses. No big deal. He cocks his gun again, takes aim, shoots—and misses again, and again, and again. After several attempts, he starts getting really frustrated. Does that mean he’s gonna pack up and go home? Hell, no! In fact, he’s gonna go after that one particular deer, the one that’s a little too sly and won’t take the bait. The one who . . . “evades” him.
Now the hunter is going after this one deer (who suddenly appears more strikingly beautiful than before) with a vengeance. After about eight more misses, he starts going nuts! He’s gonna do whatever it takes to get his hands on that girl—oops! I mean doe. He’s pulling out all the stops. Hours pass, daytime becomes dusk and he’s never worked harder in his life to shoot a deer. After five hours and dozens of failed attempts, the hunter’s vengeance turns to sadness. He hasn’t seen the doe in close to an hour. As he sits against a tree, nearly defeated, he hears a rustle. He looks up, and there she is! His heart starts pounding, his brow gets sweaty. He says a prayer, takes a deep breath, and fires his forty-ninth bullet. And with that shot he strikes his prey right in the heart. He takes a moment to let it all sink in and drops to his knees in absolute glee. He’s in total disbelief. He jumps to his feet and runs as fast as his legs will go and crouches right next to the defeated deer. Now, normally, the hunter drags his prey off to the side and goes on hunting. But unlike the dozens of other deer he’s shot in the past, he treats this particular one with dignity. Instead of flinging it onto his flatbed truck, he delicately lifts it up and carefully lays it to rest in the back. He drives home extra slowly that night, and once he gets home, he cooks up and bites into the most delicious deer meat he’s ever tasted. When he’s through with the meal, do you suppose he throws the remains away? Oh no, this one’s special, remember! Instead, he mounts the deer’s head on the wall directly within eyeshot of his desk so he can admire it for years to come. He treasures that moment in the woods for the rest of his life every time he glances at that face. The one that almost got away.
Now let’s get out of the woods and into the real world. If you play hard to get—very hard to get—then once you make him your boyfriend, he will treasure you like no other woman before you. Sounds simple, right? Well, not exactly—at least not for most girls. Women are generally more emotional than men; we experience feelings of love, bonding, and nurturing more intensely than a guy does. Obviously, this isn’t true in every new relationship, but it is the case in the majority of them. We are just wired differently than our male counterparts. And the problem with us is that we accept that we are built a certain way, and too often we allow our emotions to get in the way of acting cool. Just check out the shelf at your local Blockbuster.
Movies geared toward women? Romantic comedies. Everything from Pretty Woman to Bridget Jones’s Diary. Stories of women looking for love and lots of tears along the way.
Movies geared toward men? Action. Everything from Rambo to The Fast and the Furious. Basically, films with lots of banging and little effort required.
So the trick is to curb the behavior that oftentimes leads us to misery and tears. You know, falling for a guy after two dates and letting him know it, which leads to chasing him away with your intensity. You’ve gotta break this cycle, and I’m gonna help you break it by letting you in on the way guys look at things and handle situations. If I lay them all out for you and show you how to adapt them to your own life, then I strongly believe (from tons of experience) that you will have a better chance of landing the guy you are dying to land.
Back to the word “trick” for a minute. Some people may look at this book and think it’s about tricking men into thinking we are something we aren’t. But the fact is, women by nature are more selfless than men. We have been coined as nurturers since the beginning of time. The problem is, we now live in a new day and age. An age where it’s becoming more and more acceptable to stay single longer. Guys used to get married at twenty-two and twenty-five years old. These days, some guys are waiting until their forties to take their first walk down the aisle. Why? Because they can. Because the guy you really like is making his own money and bought his own car and house. He really doesn’t need anyone to lean on financially, and quite frankly, he is getting set in his own ways and likes his freedom. So for a girl to get him to settle down, she’s gotta be really special. He’ll want a girl that complements his life, not one who makes it worse by acting needy and pushy. Guys just won’t tolerate that as much as they used to. And guys are becoming better at weeding out the needy girls from the cool girls. This means you need to appear less annoying and less high-maintenance than the girls he’s dated in the past. You need to be more independent and confident, like most guys are. How do you do this? By caring more about yourself and less about making sure the man in your life is having his every whim catered to. Trust me, he will appreciate and respect you more without even realizing it.
We often accuse men of being too distracted, not caring enough about us. Just because they don’t obsess over our every move doesn’t mean they don’t care about us. It’s just that they care more about themselves. Period. And we need to start doing the same.
Here Are Some Essentials
Think Like a Guy Will Teach Girls
            Don’t seem too interested in kids, babies, and puppies when they are around. Simply acknowledge them and move on. Don’t get all mushy over them—he’ll assume that you’re dying to have a baby.
            When you first start dating, don’t call him unless you have something to say. “I was just calling to say, ‘What’s up,’” is not something to say. When men make calls, they have an objective, a reason they are calling. They can’t tolerate sitting on the phone for hours at a time talking about nothing. But women can. Cut this behavior out.
            Never give away too much unnecessary information too early in the relationship. “I just found out I’m being audited by the IRS.” Don’t tell him, dummy! He’ll figure he can’t ever marry you because your stupidity and shady behavior will get him thrown in jail. And don’t admit that your credit cards are maxed out or your credit rating is horrid. Men never admit these things early in the relationship, and those who do look like total losers in our eyes. Avoid looking like a loser.
            Don’t reveal all your deepest, darkest secrets (a past eating disorder, childhood issues) until there is a ring on your finger. Many women confide too much in a man too early in the relationship, and it drives men away. Make a guy fall in love with you before you tell him that you were molested as a child or you were bulimic in college. Trust me, when it comes to the dark secrets, revealing less in the beginning is more.
            The first time you sleep over, wake up early and sneak out without saying good-bye or leaving a note. Don’t be the girl who is smothering him when he wakes up, asking him to take you to brunch. You gotta admit, the guys who bail the next morning are the hottest, the ones who make us crazy! The ones who have us sitting by the phone, dying for them to call. Trust me, men react the same to a woman who bails without looking back. Yes, I’m sure. You obviously don’t know because you’ve never tried it. Most women haven’t—that’s the problem.
            Don’t be a finicky eater. If you have quirky eating habits, do not reveal them until he is officially your boyfriend.
            If you have a “dysfunctional” relationship with your parents or siblings or both, hide this from your man until well into the relationship.
            Don’t keep asking him what he thinks of you and the relationship. “Do you love me?” “Do you think I’m pretty?” “What do you want out of this relationship?”
            Don’t be the first to mention marriage or kids. Let him initiate this conversation. If a man really digs you from the start, he’ll play around with the idea of marriage. When he does this, don’t play along! Instead, seem relatively disinterested. It will make him crazy and he’ll buy that ring now, not several years down the road. If you seem enthusiastic about marrying him too soon, you will turn him off and drive him away. It’s simple: They always want what they can’t have (or what is very hard to get).
            Don’t discuss your past sex life. Never reveal how many guys you’ve really slept with. If it’s over five, lie. They can’t handle over five.
            Don’t admit that you fall in love easily or that you’ve been in love sooooo many times. Actually, say you’ve never been in love. Guys wanna be the first. Except when it comes to sex. Past the age of twenty-one, guys are not interested in taking your virginity—it’s too much emotional work and too messy, quite frankly. They want a girl not with experience, but with a natural ability—a girl just born sexy. And remember, it’s sexy, not slutty. “Even though I’ve had so little experience, I just know what’s up in the bedroom, ya know. I really believe you’re either born with sex appeal or you’re not. I feel so bad for those friends of mine that aren’t. It must be tough.” Try that line for starters—it’s golden!
            When the phone conversation starts lagging on either end, no matter how bad you wanna lie in bed and chat with him about nothing, hang up the phone! Be the first to end the conversation. He’ll be so shocked and intrigued that you had the balls to get off the phone first that he will make plans with you before you hang up.
            Don’t cry while watching a sad movie until at least two months into the relationship. If you have the urge to cry, make a run for the bathroom or kitchen. If he catches you tearing up, say you yawned and are tearing naturally. Any sign of crying or tears can freak a guy out too early in the relationship.
            Don’t doodle his name. Don’t tell him his last name sounds good with your first name.
            Forget stuff (dates, anniversary, etc.) and blame it on your crazy schedule—he is not your priority.
            Don’t bring up your best friend’s new and great relationship. Instead, bring it up and say it’s pathetic and lame.
            Never kiss on the first date, no matter how great it was or how much you are dying to kiss him.
            When you have your period or a medical condition that will keep you from fooling around, use that night to blow him off. Tell him you have plans on the nights that you are “out of commission.” It’s a great opportunity to seem aloof, without telling him why you are really skipping out on seeing him. It’ll keep him on his toes.
            When he calls the first time, answer the phone with a touch of frenzy in your voice. I don’t care if you are sitting in your car, twirling your hair in traffic. Sound busy. Don’t tell him you are sitting in your car, twirling your hair in traffic. Say you are running late to a meeting or you are just leaving a meeting on your way to another appointment.
            Don’t admit you were a lousy student in high school or college. If you were anything less than a B student, say you were a B student. Men don’t like dumb girls, even if you were just lazy in high school. Never admit you got anything less than 1050 on your SATs. Adjust the score depending on how intelligent the guy is. He will never try to uncover your GPA or SAT score. Tell him you have no clue where the paperwork is. (I mean, who really holds on to old SAT results or report cards?)
            Always look put together and well-groomed. Women have a tendency to let themselves go once they have been in a relationship for a substantial amount of time. This is partly because the man makes us feel comfortable enough to be relaxed and throw on sweats and sneakers all the time, and even encourages us to dress down. The problem is, the next time you’re at the movies in your sweats and sneakers with your man and some hot girl stands in front of you in the snack line and she’s on a first date wearing sexy jeans and high heels, your man can’t help but compare you to the girl. Guess who comes out on top? She does.
Copyright © 2006 by Giuliana DePandi. All rights reserved.