Urinetown

The Musical

Greg Kotis and Mark Hollmann; With a Preface by David Auburn and an Introduction by the Authors

Faber and Faber, Inc.

Urinetown
ACT I
Scene 1
Early morning. The poorest, filthiest urinal in town. Above the entrance to the urinal hangs a sign that reads Public Amenity #9. THE POOR lie sprawled across the stage, sleeping quietly. Music for "Urinetown" plays softly in the background. OFFICER LOCKSTOCK enters from the house, inspecting the theater for orderliness. Satisfied, he takes his place onstage and addresses the audience directly.
 
LOCKSTOCK: Well, hello there. And welcome--to Urinetown! (Pause.) Not the place, of course. The musical. Urinetown "the place" is ... well, it's a place you'll hear people referring to a lot throughout the show.
(PENELOPE PENNYWISE and BOBBY STRONG enter. They carry with them a small table upon which rests a ledger.)
PENNY: You hear the news? They carted Old So-and-So off to Urinetown the other day.
BOBBY: Is that so? What he do?
PENNY: Oh, such-and-such, I hear.
BOBBY: Well, what do you know? Old So-and-So.
(Bobby and Penny set up their workstation, placing the table beside the entrance to the amenity as THE POOR begin to rise.)
LOCKSTOCK: It's kind of a mythical place, you understand. A bad place. A place you won't see until Act Two. And then ... ? Well, let's just say it's filled with symbolism and things like that.
(THE POOR sing the "Urinetown" theme on an "ooh" ever so softly as they prepare for another day. LITTLE SALLY enters, counting her pennies.)
LOCKSTOCK: But Urinetown "the musical," well, here we are. Welcome. It takes place in a town like any town ... that you might find in a musical. This here's the first setting for the show. As the sign says, it's a "public amenity," meaning public toilet. These people have been waiting for hours to get in; it's the only amenity they can afford to get into.
(LITTLE SALLY approaches LOCKSTOCK.)
LITTLE SALLY: Say, Officer Lockstock, is this where you tell the audience about the water shortage?
LOCKSTOCK: What's that, Little Sally?
LITTLE SALLY: You know, the water shortage. The hard times. The drought. A shortage so awful that private toilets eventually became unthinkable. A premise so absurd that--
LOCKSTOCK: Whoa there, Little Sally. Not all at once. They'll hear more about the water shortage in the next scene.
LITTLE SALLY: Oh. I guess you don't want to overload them with too much exposition, huh?
LOCKSTOCK: Everything in its time, Little Sally. You're too young to understand it now, but nothing can kill a show like too much exposition.
LITTLE SALLY: How about bad subject matter?
LOCKSTOCK: Well--
LITTLE SALLY: Or a bad title, even? That could kill a show pretty good.
LOCKSTOCK: Well, Little Sally, suffice it to say that in Urinetown (the musical) everyone has to use public bathrooms in order to take care of their private business. That's the central conceit of the showww! (He sings.)
Better hope your pennies Add up to the fee-- We can't have you peeing For free. If you do, we'll catch you.We, we never fail! And we never bother with jail. (MCQUEEN, FIPP, and BARREL enter. All sing.)
ALL:
You'll get Urinetown! Off you'll go to Urinetown! Away with you to Urinetown!
LOCKSTOCK: You won't need bail.
(HOPE CLADWELL enters. As LOCKSTOCK and LITTLE SALLY speak, HOPE approaches BOBBY at his table.)
LOCKSTOCK: Later on you'll learn that these public bathrooms are controlled by a private company. They keep admission high, generally, so if you're down on your luck, you have to come to a place like this--one of the poorest, filthiest urinals in town.
LITTLE SALLY: And you can't just go in the bushes either--there's laws against it.
LOCKSTOCK: That's right, Little Sally. Harsh laws, too. That's why Little Sally here's counting her pennies. Isn't that so, Little Sally?
LITTLE SALLY: I'm very close, Officer. Only a few pennies away.
LOCKSTOCK: Aren't we all, Little Sally. Aren't we all.
(LITTLE SALLY keeps counting.)
HOPE: Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me the way to the private company that controls these public bathrooms?
BOBBY: You mean Urine Good Company?
HOPE: That's the one.
LOCKSTOCK: (To the audience) You'll meet the guy who runs Urine Good Company later. That there's his daughter. BOBBY: It's quite a ways from here, ma'am. This here's the bad part of town.
HOPE: So it is.
BOBBY: But if you squint, you can just make out their headquarters rising above the skyline.
HOPE: The gleaming tower on the hill?
BOBBY: That's the one.
HOPE: Gosh, it's beautiful.
BOBBY: You most certainly are.
HOPE: Pardon?
BOBBY: It most certainly is.
HOPE: Oh dear, I'm late already. Thanks ever so much for the directions and such. Bye! (She exits.)
BOBBY: Anytime.
LOCKSTOCK: (To the audience) Well, we've talked on long enough, I imagine. Enjoy the show. And welcome--to Urinetown (the musical)! (All sing.)
WOMEN:MEN:You, our humble audience,You, our humble audience,You have come to seeYou have come to seeWhat it's like whenPeople can't pee free.People can't pee,People can't pee free,Can't pee free.First act lasts an hour.First act lasts an hour.Don't assume you're fine.Don't assume you're fine.Best go now, there often is a line.Often is a,Often is a line.
ALL:
This is Urinetown! One restroom here at Urinetown! It's unisex at Urinetown! All by design.
LOCKSTOCK, MCQUEEN, FIPP, BARREL:
It's the oldest story--Masses are oppressed; Faces, clothes, and bladders All distressed. Rich folks get the good life, Poor folks get the woe. In the end, it's nothing you don't know.
ALL:
You're at Urinetown! Your ticket should say "Urinetown"! No refunds, this is Urinetown! We'll keep that dough!
ALL:
On with the show!
(LOCKSTOCK, BARREL, MCQUEEN, and FIPP exit as PENNY shouts out instructions to THE POOR.)
PENNY: All right, folks, you know the drill. Form a line and have yer money ready. We'll not be repeating yesterday's fiasco, and that means you, Old Man Strong.
(THE POOR crowd around the amenity, forming a line.)
LITTLE SALLY: ... Four hundred and ninety-six. Four hundred and ninety-seven. Just a few more.
(MCQUEEN enters, now on his way to work. LITTLE SALLY rushes toward him, her hand stretched out in supplication.)
LITTLE SALLY: Penny for a pee, sir?
(MCQUEEN exits. SENATOR FIPP enters.)
LITTLE SALLY: Please, sir, spare a penny for a morning pee, sir?
FIPP: What's that?
LITTLE SALLY: Or a nickel or a dime?
FIPP: Out of my way, child! I've peeing of my own to tend to.
LITTLE SALLY: But--
(FIPP exits. LITTLE SALLY joins the crowd. At the entrance to the amenity OLD MAN STRONG is arguing with PENNY.)
OLD MAN STRONG: I haven't got it!
PENNY: Then go get it!
OLD MAN STRONG: C'mon, Penny, I'm good for it.
PENNY: That's what you said last week and I still haven't seen penny one. And it's Ms. Pennywise to you.
OLD MAN STRONG: Bobby! Bobby, reason with the woman. I'm a little short this morning.
TINY TOM: No shorter than yesterday. Unless I've grown.
BOBBY: He's my pa, Ms. Pennywise. Can't he come in for free? Just this once?
PENNY: Get your head out of the clouds, Bobby Strong. No one gets in for free.
OLD MAN STRONG: Now, Ms. Pennywise, we've all had to make special ... arrangements with people in high places over the years. Why not let this one be ours?
SOUPY SUE: If Old Man Strong gets in for free, then so do I!
TINY TOM: And I!
LITTLE BECKY TWO-SHOES: And I!
PENNY: Quiet back there! No one's gettin' anywhere for free! Don't you think I have bills of my own to pay?! Don't you think I have taxes and tariffs and payoffs to meet, too?! Well, I do! (Musical vamp for "It's a Privilege to Pee" begins.) And I don't pay them with promises, see. I pay them with cash! Cold hard cash. Every morning you all come here. And every morning some of you got reasons why ya ain't gonna pay. And I'm here to tell ya, ya is gonna pay!
BOBBY: But, Ms. Penny--
PENNY: No buts, Bobby.
OLD MAN STRONG: In the name of God, Penny, what difference could it make?
PENNY: What difference?!! (Outraged, she sings.)
"Times are hard." "Our cash is tight." "You've got no right!" I've heard it all before. "Just this once" Is once too much, For once they've onced, they'll want to once once more.I run the only toilet in this part of town, you see. So, if you've got to go, You've got to go through me.
 
It's a privilege to pee. Water's worth its weight in gold these days. No more bathrooms like the olden days. You come here and pay a fee For the privilege to pee.
 
Twenty years we've had the drought, And our reservoirs have all dried up. I take my baths now in a coffee cup. I boil what's left of it for tea, And it's a privilege to pee.
 
The politicians in their wisdom saw That there should be a law. The politicians taxed the toilets And made illegal Public urination and defecation.
 
So, come and give your coins to me. Write your name here in the record book. The authorities will want to look If you've been regular with me, If you've paid the proper fee, For the privilege to pee.
(THE POOR sing the refrain "It's a privilege to pee" under the following.)
BOBBY: But, Ms. Pennywise--
PENNY: I said no buts, Bobby. You're a sweet-lookin' boy and I likes to keep you around, but this man ain't comin' in without payin'. Not this time.
OLD MAN STRONG: I can't wait much longer, Bobby. There's no tellin' what I might do!
PENNY:
You think you've got some kind of right?
THE POOR:
Kind of right, kind of right!
PENNY:
You think you'll come in here and go for free?
THE POOR:
Snag a freebie!
PENNY:
The only thing you'll get is "no" for free!
THE POOR:
Negatory!
PENNY:
I'm a business gal, you see.
THE POOR:
Business gal, you see!
 
PENNY:
I sell the privilege to pee!
 
THE POOR:
It's a privilege to pee!
 
PENNY:
The good Lord made us so we'd piss each day Until we piss away. The good Lord made sure that what goes in men Must soon come out again, So you're no different, then, From lowly me.
THE POOR:
Me, Lowly me, Lowly me,Lowly me, Lowly me!
BOBBY: But, Ms. Pennywise--
OLD MAN STRONG: That's enough, Bobby
PENNY:
And I think I'll charge you twice,
OLD MAN STRONG:
No need to jeopardize your position.
PENNY:
Or better yet, have you arrested
OLD MAN STRONG: I'm through with all this, you see.
PENNY:
Since you prefer the law gets tested.
OLD MAN STRONG: Scrapin' cash three times a day.
PENNY:
And in Urinetown you'll see
OLD MAN STRONG: Crazy with the nitrates half the time.
PENNY:
Why it's dumb to fight with me
OLD MAN STRONG: It's no way to live, I tells ya! No way to live!
PENNY:
For the privilege to pee!
POOR:
Wah! Wah!
PENNY AND POOR:
Wah!
(OLD MAN STRONG finds a wall and undoes his pants to pee.)
BOBBY: Pa! Pa, what are ya doin'?! Have ya lost your mind?!
OLD MAN STRONG: More than that, boy! A whole lot more than that! (He starts peeing. A police whistle is heard in the distance.)
SOUPY SUE: Looky there!
ROBBY THE STOCKFISH: It's Old Man Strong! He ain't waitin'!
LITTLE BECKY TWO-SHOES: He's peein' right there on the pavement, he is!
TINY TOM: If he's goin', then I'm goin'!
(OFFICERS LOCKSTOCK and BARREL enter.)
LOCKSTOCK: Oh no, you're not!
BARREL: All right, then! Make way!
LOCKSTOCK: Make way, damn you! Make way!
OLD MAN STRONG: Ahhh. That's better.
BARREL: So, if it ain't Old Man Strong.
OLD MAN STRONG: The same.
LOCKSTOCK: Is this your doing, Strong?
OLD MAN STRONG: It is.
LOCKSTOCK: Seize him!
(BARREL seizes OLD MAN STRONG
THE POOR: [Gasp.]
LOCKSTOCK: You've done a terrible thing here today, Strong.
OLD MAN STRONG: I did what I thought was necessary.
PENNY: Grab a mop, Bobby. Never thought I'd live to see the day.
LOCKSTOCK: Breaking the Public Health Act is an exiling offense, Strong.
BARREL: Quite exiling.
OLD MAN STRONG: What if it is? I feel better now, and that's all I cares about.
BOBBY: Oh, Pa.
LOCKSTOCK: Always knew we'd get you in the end, Joseph Strong. Take him away!
(BARREL drags OLD MAN STRONG away.)
OLD MAN STRONG: Bobby!
BOBBY: Pa!
OLD MAN STRONG: Don't forget me, Bobby!
BOBBY: I won't, Pa!
OLD MAN STRONG: And tell yer mother ... tell yer mother that I love her!
BOBBY: I will, Pa! I will!
OLD MAN STRONG: Remember me, boys! Oh God, what have I done?! Remember me!
(They exit. LOCKSTOCK sings.)
LOCKSTOCK:
Remember, Bobby, what became of him.
THE POOR:
Remember!
LOCKSTOCK:
How he indulged a whim.
THE POOR:
Remember!
LOCKSTOCK:
Remember how he made a mockery.
He shunned the crockery.
Off to the dockery!
Don't be like him.
(THE POOR sing the refrain "Don't be like him" under the following.)
BOBBY: "What became of him"? What do you mean by that?
LOCKSTOCK: Just keep your head out of the clouds, that's all I'm saying. Good day. (He exits.)
PENNY: All right, who's ready to pay?!
SOUPY SUE: It's my last few dollars, but I'll pay.
TINY TOM: Me, too!
LITTLE BECKY TWO-SHOES: Me, too!
SOUPY SUE: We'll all pay, Bobby Strong! Always and forever, just so long as you keep lettin' us pay!
BOBBY: Oh, Pa! What's to become of you?
PENNY: Back to work, then, Bobby! The morning rush is on!
Scene 2
The executive offices of Urine Good Company. CALDWELL B. CLADWELL, with MR. MCQUEEN at his side, is meeting with SENATOR FIPP.
 
FIPP: Where's my dough?!
CLADWELL: Isn't that what we're all asking ourselves, Senator? Where's my dough? From the cop walking his beat to the little baby asleep in his mother's arms, we're all asking the same question: Where's my dough? And by dough, of course, I mean money.
FIPP: I made my speech! Where's my dough?!
CLADWELL: Oh, there'll be plenty of dough for everyone, Senator, once the new fee hikes breeze through the Legislature.
FIPP: I was hoping to wait for the vote during my latest factfinding mission--to Rio! Wouldn't want to be around once the new fee hikes breeze through.
CLADWELL: You think I've gone too far this time, don't you, Fipp?
(HOPE enters.)
FIPP: It's a powder keg out there, Cladwell. This time I think it's gonna blow!
HOPE: Daddy?
CLADWELL, FIPP, AND MCQUEEN: Whaa--?!
CLADWELL: Hope darling, I thought you'd never get here!
(They embrace.)
HOPE: Sorry I'm late, Daddy. I left just as soon as my exams were finished.
CLADWELL: How's everything, dear?
HOPE: Fine, Daddy. Just fine. It feels great to be done with school. Finally.
CLADWELL: You see there, Mister McQueen! Beautiful, bighearted, and now with a head filled with the best stuff money can buy.
MCQUEEN: Well, if the stuff in her head is nearly as big as the stuff in her heart, I'm sure she'll be running this company in no time. (MCQUEEN laughs. CLADWELL doesn't.)
CLADWELL: That'll be all, Mister McQueen.
MCQUEEN: Yes, of course.
(He exits. FIPP approaches HOPE.)
FIPP: Well, I'll be. Hope Cladwell, and all grown up, too.
HOPE: Hello, Senator.
FIPP: Come to join your father's little operation?
HOPE: It's just a fax/copy position, of course. First day.
FIPP: A fax/copy girl, huh? (Taking her hand) Well, your father mentioned he was bringing on a new fax /copy girl. He neglected, however, to mention how beautiful she'd be. You'd be. You're so beautiful. Even as a little girl I always thought--
CLADWELL: That's enough, Fipp.
FIPP: Yes, of course.
CLADWELL: Well, we won't keep you, Senator; it's a big day. I'm sure you'll have your hands full on the floor of the Legislature, what with the fee-hike vote and all.
FIPP: Oh, they'll be full, Cladwell. And by this time tomorrow I fully expect them to be full of cash.
CLADWELL: Oh, they'll be full of cash, Senator. We'll all be full of cash, provided the vote comes through.
FIPP: Oh, the vote will come through, Cladwell. It'll come through just as long as you come through with the cash.
CLADWELL: No worries there, Senator. Once the vote comes through, there'll be nothing else to come through but the cash. FlPP: And no need to worry about the vote--
CLADWELL: Fipp! I think we understand each other.
FIPP: Yes. Well. Goodbye. (He exits.)
CLADWELL: Let's meet the staff. Staff!
(UGC STAFF enters.)
CLADWELL: Staff, this here's my daughter--and our newest fax/copy girl--Hope Cladwell. Hope Cladwell, the good people of Urine Good Company, or UGC, as it's known for short.
HOPE: Hello, everybody!
UGC STAFF: Hello, Hope!
CLADWELL: Say a few words, Hope darling.
HOPE: Well ... uh ... it's a great company and I hope to help you make it even greater.
(All applaud.)
CLADWELL: Well, that's absolutely right, Hope dear, absolutely right. For you see, ladies and gentlemen, twenty years ago we came to the people of this community with a simple proposition: Look the other way while we run this company the way we see fit, and we will keep the pee off the street and the water in the ground. Hope here has come to join our little operation, to help us keep that promise, so promise me you'll treat her like the Cladwell she is, for one day (Vamp for "Mister Cladwell" begins.) she may be standing in the shoes you see me wearing today, the shoes I wore when I made that promise those many years ago. (He sings.)
I saw gray skies, foreboding and cold! I saw gray skies and made them rain gold! Now those skies aren't so bleak to behold! They're still gray, But they pay For your sal'ries tenfold!
 
I took this town that formerly stank, I took this town and made it smell swank! I made flushing mean flush at the bank! I'm the manWith the plan, And so whom should you thank?
MCQUEEN:
Whom?
CHORUS:
Mister Cladwell, We're so thankful For that bank full of dough! You're a toreador, And it's cash that you gore! Could we hope for much more? We really doubt it!
CLADWELL:
You may be right there!
CHORUS:
Mister Cladwell, You've got riches, Which is just what we need!
 
We say Hail to you, the duke of the ducats!
CLADWELL:
I can bring in bucks by the buckets!
CHORUS:
You're the master, you're making money!
CLADWELL:
Faster still than bees making honey!
CHORUS:
You're Mister Cladwell!
HOPE: Gosh, I never realized large, monopolizing corporations could be such a force for good in the world.
CLADWELL: Few do.
Greg Kotis (top) and Ayun Halliday, Paris, 1995 (GREG KOTIS)
The Cardiff Giant Theater Company ensemble, Chicago, 1988. Clockwise from left: Greg Kotis, Mark Hollmann, John Hildreth, Bob Fisher, and Phil Ridarelli (CAROLYN SCHNEIDER/MS. SCHNEIDER
IS SOLE OWNER OF IMAGE)
The New York company of the Neo-Futurists, 1995. From left to right: Bill Coelius, Greg Kotis, Ayun Halliday, Spencer Kayden, and Robert Neill (PHOTOGRAPH BY ROBERT C. COELIUS)
The cast of the 1999 New York International Fringe Festival production of Urinetown. Clockwise from upper left: Kristen Anderson. Nick Balaban, Wilson Hall, Louise Rozett. Victor Khodadad, Zachary Lasher. Terry Cosentino. Jay Rhoderick, Rob Maitner. Adam Grant, Allison Schubert, Carol Hickey, Bellavia Mauro, Spencer Kayden, and Raquel Hecker (GREG KOTIS)
Director John Rando with the scale model of Scott Pask's scenic/environment design for the off-Broadway production of Urinetown, New York City, 2001 (GREG, KOTIS)
From the Fringe to the Great White Way: Spencer Kayden as Little Sally with Jay Rhoderick as Officer Lockstock in the 1999 New York International Fringe Festival production
(DANNY SHAPIRO/FROM THE SHAPIRO ARCHIVES)
Spencer on Broadway with Jeff McCarthy as Officer Lockstock (© 2001, JOAN MARCUS)
The final tableau from "Urinetown," the opening number of Urinetown, as performed in the off-Broadway production at the American Theatre of Actors, New York City. 2001. Top row, on catwalk, from left to right: David Beach, John Beyle, and Daniel Marcus. Middle row, standing, from left to right: Kay Walbye, Spencer Kayden. Rachel Coloff. Nancy Opel, and Hunter Foster. Front row, kneeling, from left to right: Rick Crom, Ken Jennings, Jeff McCarthy, Lawrence E. Street, and Victor W. Hawks (© 2001 JOAN MARCUS)
Nancy Opel as Penelope Pennywise sings "It's a Privilege to Pee" 2001. JOAN MARCUS)
The corporate minions of Urine Good Company idolize their leader. "Mr. Cladwell." in the off-Broadway production. From left to right: Lawrence E. Street, Victor W. Hawks. John Cullum, Rachel Coloff, and Megan Lawrence 2001. JOAN MARCUS)
Jennifer Laura Thompson as Hope advises Hunter Foster as Bobby to "Follow Your Heart"
 
(© 2001, JOAN MARCUS))
Hope (Jennifer Laura Thompson) asks her father, Caldwell B. Cladwell (John Cullum), if he believes in love
 
2001, JOAN MARCUS)
John Deyle as Senator Fipp. John Cullum as Caldwell B. Cladwell. and David Beach as Mr. McQueen oversee the quashing of Bobby's revolution in the Act One Finale 2001 JOAN MARCUS)
The Poor. backing up Bobby Strong, their revolutionary leader. sing "Free. people are free!" in the Act One Finale of Urinetown as performed on Broadway at the Henry Miller Theatre. 2001, From left to right: Victor W. Hawks, Kay Walbye, Lawrence E. Street, Jennifer Cody, Hunter Foster, Rachel Coloff, Ken Jennings. Rick Crom (hidden behind Jennings), and Spencer Kayden
(© 2001, JOAN MARCUS)
The Poor conspire to "Snuff that Girl" in the off-Broadway production. Clockwise from left: Rick Crom, Rachel Coloff, Megan Lawrence, Lawrence E. Street. Ken Jennings, Victor W. Hawks, Spencer Kayden, and (seated) Jennifer Laura Thompson
(© 2001, JOAN MARCUS)
Jeff McCarthy and Daniel Marcus as Officers Lockstock and Barrel prepare to send Hunter Foster as Bobby Strong to Urinetown in "Why Did I Listen to that Man?"
 
(© 2001, JOAN MARCUS)
Hope tells Cladwell that she intends to send him to Urinetown. From left to right: Victor W. Hawks, Lawrence E. Street, John Cullum, Rachel Coloff, and Jennifer Laura Thompson (© 2001), JOAN MARCUS)
MCQUEEN:
All those coins that we take from the throng End up here where those coins all belong. Lots of coins make our company strong!
CLADWELL:
Charging fees As we please Is our right--it's not wrong!
MCQUEEN:
We're not greedy, as some make us seem. We need funds for our big research team.
DR. BILLEAUX:
Men in labcoats and test tubes with steam!
CLADWELL AND MCQUEEN:
What it shows No one knows, But, hey, still we can dream!
MCQUEEN:
Of!
CHORUS:HOPE:Mister Cladwell,Da--Finding answers,Da, da, da, da, Daddy!Curing cancers of doubt!That's my dad!Your ambitions are high,But you're humble as pie!What a wonderful guy!We simply love you!
CLADWELL:
You're making me blush now!
CHORUS:
Doodle-oodle-ooo! Doodle-oodle-ooo! Doodle-oodle- Oodle-oodle- Oodle-oodle- Oodle-oodle!
WOMEN:MEN:Boom!Boom!Boom!Boom!
CHORUS:
Boom! Mister Cladwell, You're so godly, Oddly perfect and right!
MEN:
You are continental, yet unpretentious!
WOMEN:
Fancy-free, yet so conscientious!
MEN:
Wise but trendy, tough as a mountain!
CHORUS:
Goodness flows from you like a fountain! You're Mister, you're Mister
CLADWELL:
Cladwell!
CHORUS:
Cladwell!
HOPE: Gosh, Daddy, they certainly do seem to adore you. So why do I feel so conflicted?
CLADWELL: Nonsense. Did I send you to the Most Expensive University in the World to teach you how to feel conflicted, or to learn how to manipulate great masses of people?
HOPE: To learn how to manipulate great masses of people, Daddy.
CLADWELL: Which is exactly what we'll do. Now get faxing!
HOPE: And copying!
CLADWELL: And--welcome home.
Scene 3
Night. A street corner. LITTLE SALLY counts her pennies. OFFICER LOCKSTOCK enters.
 
LITTLE SALLY: ... Five hundred and thirty-seven, five hundred and thirty-eight, just a few more ...
LOCKSTOCK: Well, hello there, Little Sally. Awfully late for a little girl to be out and about. Especially on a night like tonight.
LITTLE SALLY: Oh. Just tryin' to scrape together a few coins before the late-night rush is all. Got one to spare?
LOCKSTOCK: Sure, Little Sally. I'm in a good mood tonight. (He tosses her a coin.)
LITTLE SALLY: Gee, thanks. (She squirrels the coin away.) Say, Officer Lockstock, I was thinkin'. We don't spend much time on hydraulics, do we?
LOCKSTOCK: Hydraulics, Little Sally?
LITTLE SALLY: You know, hydraulics. Hydration. Irrigation. Or just plain old laundry. Seems to me that with all the talk ofwater shortage and drought and whatnot, we might spend some time on those things, too. After all, a dry spell would affect hydraulics, too, you know.
LOCKSTOCK: Why, sure it would, Little Sally. But ... How shall I put it? Sometimes--in a musical--it's better to focus on one big thing rather than a lot of little things. The audience tends to be much happier that way. And it's easier to write.
(LITTLE SALLY thinks this over.)
LITTLE SALLY: One big thing, huh?
LOCKSTOCK: That's right, Little Sally.
LITTLE SALLY: Oh. (Pause.) Then why not hydraulics?
LOCKSTOCK: (Chuckles.) Run along, then, Little Sally. Wouldn't want you to miss last call. Ms. Pennywise won't hold the gate forever, you know.
LITTLE SALLY: Oh, yeah, right. Thanks for the coin! Bye!
(She hurries off. BARREL enters, carrying a shovel and a mop.)
BARREL: What a night.
LOCKSTOCK: Everything cleaned up all right, Mister Barrel?
BARREL: Sure, same as always. Did you hear him scream, though, Mister Lockstock?
LOCKSTOCK: Old Man Strong?
BARREL: All the way down to Urinetown.
LOCKSTOCK: Oh yes, I heard him, Mister Barrel. But then, they all seem to scream in the end, now, don't they? As their long journey into "exile" comes to a close and the spires of Urinetown peek above the horizon? They do scream then, Mister Barrel. They most certainly do.
(They laugh.)
BARREL: I suppose I thought he might be different, somehow.
LOCKSTOCK: Different?
BARREL: Old Man Strong. Always seemed a bit tougher than the rest. I was hoping he might ... I don't know ... surprise us, somehow.
(Vamp begins for "Cop Song.")
LOCKSTOCK: If there's one thing I've learned in my years enforcing the laws of this city, it's that the journey down to Urinetown offers no surprises. Not even from the very toughest amongst us. On that journey expect only the expected. (He sings.)
It's a hard, cold tumble of a journey, Worthy of a gurney, a bumble down, A slapped face, smacked with a mace, Certain to debase, is our stumble down.
 
It's a path that leads you only one place, Horrible to retrace, a crumble down. A hard, cold tumble of a tourney, Jumble of a journey to Urinetown.
LOCKSTOCK AND BARREL:
Julie Cassidy Went to a field behind a tree, Saw there was no one who could see
LOCKSTOCK:
Her pee
BARREL:
But me!
LOCKSTOCK AND BARREL:
And Jacob Rosenbloom Thought he was safe up in his room, Didn't know the jars he kept up there Would obligate a trip to a urine tomb! (More COPS enter.)
LOCKSTOCK:
There are those who think our methods vicious--
BARREL:
Overly malicious--
LOCKSTOCK:
A bunch of brutes. But it's we who gather for the people--
BARREL:
Tavern to the steeple--
LOCKSTOCK AND BARREL:
Lawful fruits!
LOCKSTOCK:
Our task: bring a little order--
BARREL:
Swindle out a hoarder--
LOCKSTOCK:
From what he loots. As the book says, "Certainly a season"--
BARREL:
Trample out a treason--
ALL:
With hobnail boots! Roger Roosevelt Kept a cup below his belt, Cup ran over when he knelt.
LOCKSTOCK:
He smelt--
BARREL:
We dealt.
ALL:
And Joseph "Old Man" Strong Held his pee for much too long, Hoped his son might bail him out. His guess was good but also wrong!
LOCKSTOCK:
Years past all lived in a jungle, Scooping out a bungle, nature's bowl. Life of constant deprivation, Certain aggravation took its toll.
Soon learned power of the truncheon. Organize a function, king to pawn. So if peace is what you're after, Urinetown's the rafter to hang it on.
 
GIRL COP 1:
 
Julie Cassidy--
BOY COP 1:BOY COP 2:Jacob Rosenbloom--RogerJacob Rosenbloom--Roosevelt--
LOCKSTOCK AND BARREL: BOY COP 3:GIRL COP 1:JulieJosephCassidy--Don't be like them!Old Man Strong--
LOCKSTOCK AND BARREL: GIRL COPS:BOY COPS:Don't be like them!Don't be like them!Don't be like them!Don't be like them!Don't be like them!Don't be like them!Don't be like them!Don't be like them!
LOCKSTOCK AND BARREL:GIRL COPS:BOY COPS:It's a hard, coldTumble of a journey,It's a hard, coldWorthy of a gurney,Tumble of a journey,It's a hard, coldA bumble down,Worthy of a gurney,Tumble of a journey,A slapped face,A bumble down,Worthy of a gurney,Smacked with a mace,A slapped face,A bumble down,Certain to debase,Smacked with a mace,A slapped face,Is our stumble down.Certain to debase.Smacked with a mace.
ALL:
It's a path that leads you only one place, Horrible to retrace, a crumble down, A hard, cold tumble of a tourney, Jumble of a journey to Urinetown!
LOCKSTOCK: Off you go, then, boys. And happy hunting. (The COPS scramble off. LOCKSTOCK and BARREL linger.)
BARREL: Hm ... yes. So, have you made plans for your journey yet?
LOCKSTOCK: To Urinetown?!
BARREL: To Rio, of course.
LOCKSTOCK: Oh. Yes. Rio. Well, I had to squeeze Cladwell a bit tighter than usual for our monthly payoffs, extortion fees, money bribes, and such. But--
(HOPE enters.)
BARREL: Caution, Mister Lockstock. It would seem we're no longer alone.
LOCKSTOCK: Well, I'll be.
BARREL: If I'm not mistaken, that there's his daughter.
LOCKSTOCK: So it is. And all grown up, too. (To HOPE) Ms. Cladwell! A little late for you to be out, don't you think?
HOPE: Oh, hello, Officers.
LOCKSTOCK: If I didn't know better, I'd say you were on a late-night-behind-the-bushes-to-relieve-yourself-for-free kind of walk.
HOPE: Oh no, Officers. I'm just coming home from work. First day.
BARREL: Long hours.
LOCKSTOCK: Just like us.
HOPE: There's some kind of big vote down at the Legislature tonight. Plenty of faxing to do.
BARREL: And copying, I imagine.
HOPE: Oh yes. And copying.
(LOCKSTOCK takes HOPE's hand.)
LOCKSTOCK: I must say, Ms. Cladwell, your father mentioned the size and purity of your heart. He neglected, however, to mention the size and purity of your beauty. (He kisses her hand.)
HOPE: Does beauty have a size, Officer?
LOCKSTOCK: In some countries.
(BOBBY STRONG enters, unseen.)
LOCKSTOCK: I'd take care on these streets late at night, Ms. Cladwell. There's no telling what some people wouldn't do for a few coins.
BARREL: Especially these days, what with the new fee hikes and all.
HOPE: Oh, I'm not afraid of people, Officers.
LOCKSTOCK: Oh, no?
HOPE: Not really. Everyone has a heart, you see. As long as you know that you need never fear a soul.
LOCKSTOCK: Everyone?
HOPE: Everyone.
BARREL: Even criminals?
HOPE: Even criminals.
BOBBY: Even policemen?
LOCKSTOCK AND BARREL: Whaa--?!
BARREL: Bobby Strong!
LOCKSTOCK: Out a bit late, don't you think?
BOBBY: Out late taking care of another late-night rush is all. There's talk of more fee hikes, people are getting edgy.
LOCKSTOCK: Are they? Well, I'm glad to hear you were otherwise engaged. Wouldn't want to put you under suspicion for taking a late-night-behind-the-bushes--
BOBBY: I don't need to do that anymore, Officers. Not while I work for Penny, I don't.
BARREL: But you still need to keep your head out of the clouds now, don't you?
BOBBY: What do you mean by that?
LOCKSTOCK: What he means is, you're a good boy, Bobby Strong. See that you don't end up like your father.
BOBBY: And how did my father end up? (Pause.)
LOCKSTOCK: Well, we're off. Our work's never done. Good night.
HOPE: Good night, Officers.
BARREL: Good night, Bobby (They exit.)
HOPE: You were rather brave with them.
BOBBY: I don't care for policemen. Not those two, anyway.
HOPE: Policemen protect the peace.
BOBBY: Do they?
HOPE: Usually.
(Pause.)
BOBBY: Didn't I see you down by the amenity this morning?
HOPE: That was me. I was rushing off to work, first day.
BOBBY: Find your way all right?
HOPE: The gleaming tower on the hill? Couldn't miss it.
BOBBY: Beautiful.
HOPE: It's rather shiny, that's true enough.
(Pause.)
BOBBY: Did you mean what you said to those policemen? About , everyone having a heart?
HOPE: Well, sure I did.
BOBBY: Because ... well, because mine feels awful cold just now.
HOPE: Cold?
BOBBY: Or empty. One of the two.
HOPE: Not because of me, I hope?
BOBBY: Oh no. Because of something I did. (The ghost of OLD MAN STRONG and TINY TOM appear in the distance.)
OLD MAN STRONG: Bobby! Bobby, reason with the woman! I'm a little short this morning!
TINY TOM: No shorter than yesterday. Unless I've grown.
(They disappear.)
BOBBY: Or, rather, something I didn't do.
HOPE: If it feels cold, then it must still be there, don't you think?
BOBBY: Unless there's a vacuum where it used to be.
HOPE: A vacuum? In your chest? It sounds so implausible.
BOBBY: I did something wrong this morning is all I'm trying to say. I can't seem to get it out of my head.
HOPE: The vacuum?
BOBBY: My action. I let someone down that I love dearly. I feel real bad about it.
HOPE: Well, maybe that's nature's way of telling you that now's the time to lift someone up?
BOBBY: Really?
HOPE: Sure. Do you think you'd be feeling as bad as you do if you didn't have a heart? (Musical vamp begins for "Follow Your Heart.")
BOBBY: I don't know. I suppose not.
HOPE: Of course you wouldn't. Because then you'd be dead. (She sings.)
When darkness surrounds you And you lose your way, You have your own compass That turns night to day, And it's even with you Before you depart. Be still, hear it beating, It's leading you. Follow your heart.
BOBBY: Follow my heart? But to where?
HOPE: To wherever your heart tells you to go.
BOBBY: Even ... (He looks around.) ... there?
HOPE: Even to the clouds, if that's what your heart commands. What's it saying now?
BOBBY: I don't know. I don't know how to listen to my heart. (Music fades.)
HOPE: You have to listen carefully. Here, let me try. (She puts her ear to BOBBY's chest.)
BOBBY: Do you--
HOPE: Sshh! (Music begins again.) Ah, there it is. It's saying (She sings.)
We all want a world Filled with peace and with joy, With plenty of water for each girl and boy. That bright, shining world Is just waiting to start. No meanness or sorrow, Just cleanness tomorrow, If only you follow your heart.
You see there? Even your heart knows you should follow your heart.
BOBBY: "Peace and joy." "Plenty of water." I guess I do want those things.
HOPE: There's something else your heart was saying. Maybe something I shouldn't have heard.
BOBBY: There was?
HOPE: I think so. It was barely audible, but I definitely heard something.
BOBBY: Well? What was it?
HOPE: Let me try again, maybe I can make it out this time. (She listens. Music begins again.) There it is. So faint ... it's saying (She sings.)
Follow, into the open air, Far from squalor and noise.Follow, someone is waiting there, Someone who shares all your hopes And your joys.
"Someone is waiting there"? Why, my heart was saying those exact words just the other day.
BOBBY: It was?
HOPE: Sure it was. "Squalor and noise," "hopes and joys." It was telling me about all those things.
BOBBY: I didn't know two hearts could speak as one.
HOPE: I didn't either. Until now. Here, listen. (She brings BOBBY's ear to her chest. He sings.)
BOBBY:
Someday I'll meet someone Whose heart joins with mine, Aortas and arteries all intertwined. They'll beat so much stronger Than they could apart. Eight chambers of muscle to hustle The love in our heart.
BOBBY AND HOPE:
Love is kind and considerate, Love is peaceful and fair. Love can creep up so suddenly-- When you least think of it, Your love is there.
 
We all want a world Filled with peace and with joy, With plenty of justice For each girl and boy. That bright, shining world Is just waiting to start.No anger or badness, Just laughter and gladness, If only I follow your heart. (HOPE extends her hand.) HOPE: Well, good night ...
(BOBBY takes it.)
BOBBY: Bobby. Bobby Strong. (He pulls her close to him.)
HOPE: Good night, Bobby Strong.
(They kiss.)
BOBBY: And good night ...
HOPE: Hope.
BOBBY: Good night, Hope. I won't forget what you said, about the clouds and my heart.
HOPE: And I won't forget what you said, about the laughter and the gladness.
(He turns to go. LOCKSTOCK and LITTLE SALLY enter, unseen.)
HOPE: Wait a minute, when can I see you again?
BOBBY: In this darkness I'm afraid you can't see me at all. But a bright, shining world is waiting to start, I can feel it. Come to Amenity Number Nine tomorrow. I'll show it to you. (He exits.)
LITTLE SALLY: She loves him, doesn't she, Officer Lockstock?
LOCKSTOCK: Sure, she does, Little Sally. He's the hero of the show, she has to love him.
(HOPE exits.)
LITTLE SALLY: Yeah. Everyone loves Bobby Strong. (Pause.) What's it like, Officer Lockstock?
LOCKSTOCK: What's what like, Little Sally?
LITTLE SALLY: Urinetown.
LOCKSTOCK: Oh, I can't tell you that, Little Sally.
LITTLE SALLY: Why not?
LOCKSTOCK: Because it's a secret, that's why. Its power depends on mystery. I can't just blurt it out, like "There is no Urinetown! We just kill people!" Oh no. The information must beoozed out slowly, until it bursts forth in one mighty, cathartic moment! Somewhere in Act Two. With everybody singing, and things like that.
(Pause.)
LITTLE SALLY: Oh. I get it.
(Scene-change music.)
LOCKSTOCK: Well, I should be going. It's time for the next scene.
LITTLE SALLY: The next morning at the amenity, when the new fee hikes are announced?
LOCKSTOCK: That's the one. So long for now, Little Sally. And keep your head down.
(He exits. Segue into ...)
Scene 4
The poorest, filthiest urinal in town. BOBBY enters as MCQUEEN concludes an announcement he is delivering to THE POOR.
 
MCQUEEN: And so with this piece of paper the UGC awards Amenity Number Nine the first of our new and entirely legal fee hikes, which we hope you all will honor and enjoy.
THE POOR: Enjoy?!/Legal?!/Etc.
MCQUEEN: Of course, no one knows better than the good people at Urine Good Company how difficult times are, but research into finding the long-term solutions we need is expensive. So, for the time being, our decision is firm and we look forward to going to Rio with our new profits. (Pause.) I mean, we look forward to finding lasting solutions ... and things like that. Good luck, Ms. Pennywise, see you in ... well, you know where. (He exits.)
TINY TOM: You can't do this to us, Ms. Pennywise! It'll be off to Urinetown for the lot of us sooner or later if you do!
PENNY: And it'll be off to Urinetown for me if I don't. Now get in line and have your money ready--the new fee-hike money, that is!
BOBBY: Ms. Pennywise!
PENNY: Bobby Strong! Where the hell have you been?!
BOBBY: Sorry I'm late, Ms. Pennywise. I was up all night thinking, is all.
PENNY: Up all night thinking, is it?! You work here now, Bobby, you don't need to go in the bushes anymore.
BOBBY: I wasn't--
PENNY: Like father, like son, that's what I say. Now let's get to work.
BOBBY: But it was about my father that I was thinking, Ms. Pennywise. About what happened to him yesterday. About what's happening to all of us.
PENNY: He broke the law yesterday, Bobby, and that's the end of it.
BOBBY: But what if the law is wrong?
(Pause.)
PENNY: What did you say?
BOBBY: I said, what if the law is wrong, Ms. Pennywise?! What if all this is wrong?!
PENNY: Wrong?! You've got a sweet-lookin' head, Bobby, a sweet-lookin' head! (Vamp begins for "Look at the Sky.") But you keep it up there in the clouds day after day after day, and it's gotta come down from there. You hear me?! Get that head out of the clouds, Bobby Strong! You get it out of the clouds!
(She returns to address THE POOR BOBBY sings.)
BOBBY:
Off in the distance there's a beautiful horizon--
PENNY: All right, folks, you know the drill.
BOBBY:
Gleaming and radiant, it's what I'll keep my eyes on--
PENNY: The same as it's always been.
BOBBY:
As the world turns to face the sun and start another day, It suddenly Occurs to me That maybe we can find another way. Look at the sky, Full of hope and promise. It's a shining ideal. How I reel When I look at the sky.
PENNY: Now, who's first?
JOSEPHINE STRONG: I am!
BOBBY: Ma!
PENNY: We'll take your fee now, Mrs. Strong. The improved fee, that is.
BOBBY:
Daily we make them pay their nickels, dimes, and quarters--
JOSEPHINE: But this is all I have, Ms. Pennywise.
BOBBY:
Daily we break them 'cause we have to follow orders.
LITTLE SALLY: Haven't you enough, Mrs. Strong?
BOBBY:
And we keep filling moneybags with broken lives and dreams, But what's it for? I can't ignore These black, immoral profit-making schemes.
 
Look at the sky, High above this madness. Here below, feel our shame. It must stop in the name Of the sky.
JOSEPHINE: Here's all I have, Bobby. Is it enough?
BOBBY: You hold on to that money, Ma.
JOSEPHINE: Really?
PENNY: The fee is the law, Bobby Strong. She'll abide by it or she'll join her husband.
BOBBY: And what if there was a new law in town, Ms. Pennywise? A new law that didn't come from any voting process or elected body or process of judicial review, but a brand-new law that came from an organ. That's right, a muscular, blood-pumping organ. (He thumps his chest.) Like this one. Right here.
PENNY: A muscular organ?
BOBBY: Can't you see it, Ms. Pennywise? Well, if this one's too small for you, why not try this one on for size?! (He directs her to look at the sky.)
PENNY: It's ... it's blinding me!
BOBBY:
Look at the sky! There's a great, big heart there! There's a heart In the sky. There just is. Don't ask why-- It's the sky!
PENNY: Don't do this, Bobby. You'll regret it.
BOBBY: I don't think so. C'mon, Ma. This one's on the house.
For everyone! Forever!
THE POOR: Hooray!
SOUPY SUE:
Your heart knows all things great and true--
TINY TOM:
The things mere brains can never know!
JOSEPHINE:
Your heart points to the great, big blue--
THE POOR:
Where the people's allegiance must go!
BOBBY: Tell me where!
THE POOR:BOBBY:Look at the sky!Look at the sky!That's our inspiration!Look at the sky!
THE POOR:
We can win If we try. We begin When we look at the sky!
PENNY: Oh, Bobby, what's to become of you? What's to become of us all?! (She exits.)
THE POOR:BOBBY:Look at the sky,Off in the distanceStandard of the people.There's a beautiful horizon.
THE POOR:
It's a banner so wide, Flying proudly with pride In the sky--
BOBBY:
 
 
In the sky--
THE POOR:
In the sky!
Scene 5
The good offices of Urine Good Company. CLADWELL confers with
FIPP.
CLADWELL: You'll be off to Rio, then, I imagine?
FIPP: Already got my ticket.
CLADWELL: Good work on the floor of the Legislature, Fipp. It was touch-and-go there for a while, I understand.
FIPP: Well, your "Beaches of Rio" slide show changed their minds soon enough. Just like it changed my mind those many years ago. God, I wish I'd never met you, Caldwell B. Cladwell. (HOPE enters carrying a stack of papers.)
HOPE: Sorry to interrupt, Daddy. I just wanted to make sure you got your morning faxes.
CLADWELL: Why, Hope, you're absolutely glowing!
FIPP: It would seem that office work agrees with her. What with the faxing and all.
CLADWELL: And the copying.
FIPP: Oh yes. The copying. You're a good girl, Hope Cladwell. I used to be one. Before I met your father.
HOPE: A good girl?
FIPP: You heard me. (He pulls a wad of bills from his pocket and counts quietly to himself.) ... Six hundred and twenty-two. Six hundred and twenty-three. Just a few more.
HOPE: Daddy? Can I ask you a question?
CLADWELL: Sure, Hope darling. What is it?
HOPE: Do you believe in love?
(Pause.)
CLADWELL: Love? Why do you ask?
HOPE: Just wondering. I met this boy, you see--
(MCQUEEN, LOCKSTOCK, BARREL, and PENNY enter.)
MCQUEEN: Sorry to interrupt, Mister Cladwell. We've got a little problem.
PENNY: Caldwell. (Musical sting.) Long time, no see.
CLADWELL: Ms. Pennywise. (Another musical sting.)
(PENNY and CLADWELL share a long, meaningful look.)
MCQUEEN: Anyway ... it's about Public Amenity Number Nine, sir. The people there have rioted.
CLADWELL: Rioted?!
PENNY: They're peeing for free, Caldwell. I tried to stop them.
LOCKSTOCK: The assistant custodian is refusing to take people's money, sir. A young man by the name of Bobby Strong.
HOPE: Bobby Strong?
LOCKSTOCK: They've rescinded the Public Health Act.
MCQUEEN: And the Water Preservation Act.
FIPP: Can they do that?!
MCQUEEN: Strictly symbolic, sir. The crowd gathered there is an unthinkably small percentage of the population as a whole.
HOPE: What's happening, Daddy? I don't understand.
CLADWELL: I wouldn't expect a good and pure heart like yours to understand.
LOCKSTOCK: Mister Barrel and I are ready, Mister Cladwell. Just give the word.
FIPP: What did I tell you, Cladwell? It's a powder keg out there, and I have a very important plane to catch! Excuse me. (He turns to go.)
CLADWELL: Fipp! (BARREL blocks his way.) You're not going anywhere. Not until we nip this unpleasantness in the bud.
HOPE: Nip? How so?
CLADWELL: You're a Cladwell, Hope. What would you do if the very foundation of your life's work were threatened by the rabble-rousing son of a convicted criminal?
HOPE: Look deep into his heart and try to understand what made it pound so angrily.
CLADWELL: Angry, you say?! No one gets angry at me! Not without a beating!
HOPE: A beating? Oh, Daddy, beating people is wrong.
CLADWELL: Life is a beating! The sooner you learn that, the better.
HOPE: Then life is wrong.
CLADWELL: Embrace it. I have.
HOPE: Life should be beautiful.
CLADWELL: Life is many things. Look deeper, you'll see it. I do. (Vamp for "Don't Be the Bunny" begins.) I see it everywhere. (He sings.)
A little bunny in the meadow Is nibbling grass without a care. He's so delightful as he hops for you. You say, "Hi, Bunny," and he stops for you. You pull your trigger and he drops for you. Goodbye, Bunny-boo; Hello, rabbit stew!
Get me, boys?
UGC STAFF: You tell 'em, boss!
CLADWELL:
Don't be the bunny. Don't be the stew. Don't be the dinner. You have better things to do. It ain't no joke. That's why it's funny. So take your cue: Don't be the bunny. Don't be the bunny.
HOPE: But, Daddy, we're talking about people, not animals.
CLADWELL: People are animals, Hope darling.
HOPE: Animals with huge incisors and big floppy feet?
CLADWELL: Look closely, you'll see them. I do. I see them ... everywhere. (He sings.)
A little bunny at a tollbooth. He needs a measly fifty cents. Our little bunny didn't plan ahead. Poor bunny simply doesn't have the bread! He begs for mercy, but gets jail instead. Hasenpfeffer's in the air As the bunny gets the chair!
See the moral, people?
UGC STAFF: Clear as day, boss!
CLADWELL:
Don't be the bunny. Don't be the dope. Don't be the loser. You're much better than that, Hope! You're born to pow'r. You're in the money! Advice to you--
MCQUEEN AND FIPP:
In re: the bunny--
CLADWELL:
Don't be the bunny!
HOPE: A little bunny at a tollbooth?
CLADWELL: You heard me.
HOPE: But, Daddy, bunnies don't drive cars.
CLADWELL: Oh, don't they?!
HOPE: No, actually, I don't think they do.
CLADWELL: Live long enough, Hope darling, you see ... many things.
HOPE: Even a daughter doubting her father?
CLADWELL:
A little bunny in a shoe box. He thinks he's found a brand-new home. So snug and cozy on your closet floor,And then you open up your closet door. Now what's that bunny in my closet for? With a mallet and some clippers, You find out: new bunny slippers!
Grasp the message, staff?
UGC STAFF: Right behind you, boss!
CLADWELL AND STAFF:
Don't be the bunny. Don't be the shoe. You don't get stepped on.
CLADWELL:
No, the one who steps is you!
CLADWELL AND STAFF:
You're stepping up To where it's sunny. Step on the poor! Don't be the bunny! Don't be the bunny! Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah!
CLADWELL: All right, everybody, get yourselves together! It's time we bagged ourselves a few rabbits! Let's go!
(All exit.)
Scene 6
The poorest, filthiest urinal in town. BOBBY, with JOSEPHINE'S help, is now in charge. THE POOR push eagerly toward the Amenity's entrance.
 
BOBBY: One at a time! One at a time! Everyone will get a turn!
SOUPY SUE: Here's some cash, Bobby. Just for you.
BOBBY: Keep your cash, friend. And relieve yourself in happiness.
JOSEPHINE: A busy day so far. Busiest on record, if your books are right. How's the urinal holding out?
BOBBY: A little spillage, nothing to be concerned about. The people are happy, that's the main thing.
(A police whistle is heard in the distance.)
LITTLE BECKY TWO-SHOES: Police!
ROBBY THE STOCKFISH: Run!
BOBBY: Wait! Wait! Please, everyone, remain calm!
(The COPS enter with CLADWELL, MCQUEEN, FIPP, PENNY, and HOPE in tow. They make their way to the gate.)
LOCKSTOCK: It'll take a lot of explaining to keep us calm, Bobby Strong.
BOBBY: We've taken control of this amenity, Officers. The people here pee for free.
CLADWELL: That's my amenity, Officers. I want all of these people taken away.
(LITTLE SALLY makes her way through the rebel mob to approach LOCKSTOCK.)
LITTLE SALLY: Officer Lockstock, what's happening?
LOCKSTOCK: Why, it's the Act One finale, Little Sally. This is where Cladwell arrives to snuff out the uprising. It's a big song-and-dance number involving the entire cast.
LITTLE SALLY: Snuff out the uprising? But what about Bobby's dreams?
LOCKSTOCK: Well now, Little Sally, dreams only come true in happy musicals--and a few Hollywood movies--and this certainly isn't either one of those. No, dreams are meant to be crushed. It's nature's way.
LITTLE SALLY: This may not be a happy musical, Officer Lockstock, but it's still a musical. And when a little girl has been given as many lines as I have, there's still hope for dreams! (She scrambles back to the mob.)
HOPE: Bobby?!
BOBBY: Hope?!
HOPE: What are you doing, Bobby?! I told you to follow your heart, not seize an amenity!
BOBBY: I did follow my heart, Hope. Thanks to you.
PENNY: The amenity won't take much more of this uprising, Caldwell. Bobby's a sweet boy, but not sweet enough to sweeten that spillage, not by a long shot.
BOBBY: The amenity will take as much as it has to, Ms. Pennywise. The days of deprivation are over for these people.
THE POOR: Hooray!
CLADWELL: The days of deprivation have just begun if this madness continues a moment longer.
THE POOR: Ooooo!
BOBBY: Sure, Mister Cladwell, that's what you've been saying for twenty years. And for twenty years we've waited for the long-term solutions that never came. Well, we're done waiting, you see, for a new day has dawned today. A day of hope and happiness (Musical vamp begins.) when the idea of human dignity is more than just a forgotten notion, but a living, breathing reality. A day--this day--when the people pee for free, because the people are free!
THE POOR: Hooray!
BOBBY: (Sings.)
Free! People are free! How can a fee Enslave us? See How we can be Free from the chains He gave us!
 
We're suffering now Such lives of sorrow!Don't give us tomorrow, Just give us today!
THE POOR:
Free! People are free! How can a fee Enslave us? See How we can be Free from the chains He gave us!
We're suffering now Such lives of sorrow! Don't give us tomorrow, Just give us today!
 
BOBBY:
From ev'ry hill, Ev'ry steeple, Ring out the anthem Of the people, Making a new way, Breaking the clouds of gray, To sing of today!
BOBBY AND THE POOR:
Sing of today! Sing of today, Sing today, Sing today, Sing today!
PENNY: Uh, perhaps best to stay back here with your father,
Hope dear. The police will want to charge soon.
BOBBY: Your father?
HOPE: Charge?! Daddy, these people need understanding, not brutality.
CLADWELL: On the contrary, Hope dear, a little brutality is exactly what these people need. Officer Lockstock!
HOPE: Daddy, wait. He only wants the people to be happy, isn't that worth something?
CLADWELL: Happy, you say?! Happy?! (He sings.)
So you want happy, Mister Strong? Did you say happy, Mister Strong? If they pee today, I'm sure they'll be As happy as a pup! With no rules and no more fees to pay, Things would be looking up! But too bad the water that we share Could fit inside a cup! What of tomorrow, Mister Strong?
BOBBY: But what of today?!
CLADWELL:
But what of tomorrow, Mister Strong?! Think of tomorrow, Mister Strong! Our resources are as fragile As a newborn baby's skull! With your actions you would gut the child And leave a lifeless hull! Could it be you're so shortsighted, So insensitive, so dull? Think of tomorrow, Mister Strong!
THE POOR: But what of today?!
CLADWELL AND CO.:
You are wrong, Mister Strong, You and your socialistic throng! If the people pee for free, they'll push The system to the brink!If today there's spillage, tell us how Tomorrow will not stink!
CLADWELL:
If it's you and me, now, Mister Strong, Which one of us will blink?
 
I say it's you, Mister Strong, For on the subject of tomorrow--
CLADWELL AND CO.:
You are wrong!
CLADWELL: Officer Lockstock! Prepare your ... man.
BOBBY: Everybody into the amenity! We'll be ... relatively safer in there!
HOPE: Oh, Bobby, why didn't you tell me you were going to start a revolution?
BOBBY: Maybe for the same reason you didn't tell me you were a Cladwell.
HOPE: I'm the same girl I was last night.
BOBBY: The girl last night would have joined us by now, Hope.
HOPE: I can't fight against my father, Bobby.
BOBBY: And I can't not fight against him. So you can join us or you can stand aside.
HOPE: Stand aside?
BOBBY: You heard me.
HOPE: (Sings.)
Bobby, think! You're standing on the brink! You'll be arrested soon, Perhaps as soon as noon,
And I could never bear To see you taken whereThe guilty peeers meet The toilet judgment seat!
 
BOBBY:
You said To follow your heart. Here's where my heart leads. Now I'll do my part To banish all needs.
You made me to see, Fantastic'lly clear. When people pee free, We've nothing to fear.
 
HOPE:BOBBY:Give up now!We'll find a way somehowYour words were like seeds,To help the people peeWithout a hefty fee.At first they seemed mild.But if you must persistBeing an anarchist,They grew into deeds.My father's men will seeYou're sent away from me!This riot's our child!You'll get Urinetown!Sing of today, not tomorrow!Bobby, you'll getUrinetown!End their lives of sorrow!Off you'll go toUrinetown!Today!Urinetown!Today!Urinetown!Sing of today!
CLADWELL: You've picked a fight you can't win, today, Mister Strong! Your rabble is no match for my men.
JOSEPHINE: He's right, Bobby. They've got ... one ... two ... Two men, and we're all so poor!
CLADWELL: Now release the girl. It's time you faced your punishment like a man.
BOBBY: Release?! No one's holding--
(The ghost Of OLD MAN STRONG and TINY TOM appear in the distance.)
OLD MAN STRONG: Bobby! Bobby, reason with the woman! I'm a little short this morning!
TINY TOM: No shorter than yesterday. Unless I've grown.
(They disappear.)
LITTLE SALLY: You can punish our bodies, Mister Cladwell, but you can never punish our spirits!
SOUPY SUE: Punish our bodies?!
LITTLE BECKY TWO-SHOES: I never agreed to any punishment of my body!
CLADWELL: Oh, punishment is all you'll ever know ... once you release the girl!!
THE POOR:CLADWELL AND UGC STAFF:Bobby, help!YouHe'll turn our brains to kelp!are wrong, Mister Strong!No matter what we do,YouWe're in a real bad stew!are wrong, Mister Strong!Those cops look awful mean,VeryLike none we've ever seen!wrong, Mister Strong!When Cladwell gives the cue,YouOur revolution's through!are wrong, Mister Strong!
ALL BUT BOBBY:BOBBY:You'll / We'll getUrinetown!Sing of today, not tomorrow!Bobby, you'll l we'll getUrinetown!End their lives of sorrow!Off you'll / we'll go toUrinetown!Today!Urinetown!Today!Urinetown!Sing of today!
(HOPE and BOBBY embrace.)
HOPE: So what'll it be, Bobby?
BOBBY: Looks like we're in a real tight spot, doesn't it?
HOPE: Your fellow revolutionaries seem to think so.
BOBBY: I suppose we should leave.
HOPE: Oh, Bobby, they'll never let you leave now.
(The ghost of OLD MAN STRONG appears in the distance.)
OLD MAN STRONG: Remember me, boys! Oh God, what have I done?! Remember me!!!
(He disappears.)
BOBBY: Not without you, they won't. Which is why you're coming with us.
HOPE: Coming with you? I told you, Bobby, I won't fight against my father.
(BOBBY clutches HOPE tighter.)
BOBBY: And I told you I won't not fight against him.
HOPE: But how can I come with you and still not fight against my father unless ... unless ... oh dear God, Bobby, no!!!
BOBBY AND POOR:CLADWELL AND CO.:From ev'ryHill,Wrong, Mister Strong!Ev'ry steeple,Think of tomorrow,Mister Strong!Ring out the anthemOur resources are asFragileOf the peopleAs a newborn baby's skull!Making aWith yourNew way,Actions you would gut theBreaking theChild andClouds of grayLeave a lifeless hull!A lifeless hull,To sing of today!Mister Strong!You're very dull,Mister Strong!Sing of today!Disperse your throng,Mister Strong!Disperse your throng,And end your song,Sing of today!And end your song,Mister Strong!You're wrong,Mister Strong!Sing today!You're wrong,Mister Strong!Sing today!You're wrong!Mister Strong!Sing today!You're wrong!
BOBBY: Keep your men back, Cladwell! We've got your daughter and we're not letting her go!
HOPE: Bobby, what are you--
JOSEPHINE: (Pulling her away.) In the name of the sky, you're coming with us!
BOBBY: We're walking out of here, Mister Cladwell, and you're going to let us! That is, if you care about your daughter.
CLADWELL: You're making a terrible mistake, Mister Strong.
PENNY: Let the girl go, Bobby, she's done nothing wrong!
BOBBY: Don't let go of the girl. And follow me!
LOCKSTOCK: Boss, what do we do?!
CLADWELL: Seize them!
PENNY: No!
CLADWELL: Don't let them get away!
HOPE: Help me!
PENNY: Help her!
BOBBY: Now run, everybody! Run for your lives! RUN!!
(General mayhem, first in real time, then in slow motion. BOBBY, JOSEPHINE, and the rest of THE POOR escape with HOPE as a hostage. Everyone sings as LOCKSTOCK explains.)
WOMEN:MEN:LOCKSTOCK:Urinetown!Well, that's it for Act One.Urinetown!As you can see, the rebel poor are making their get -away with Hope as a hostage. The rest of us have been thrown intoUrinetown!Urinetown!Urinetown!Urinetown!Urinetown!confusion because--well, because we're all moving so damned slowly. So we don't get to catch them. Not yet. Enjoy intermission, and see you--shortly!Urinetown!Urinetown!Urine-!Urinetown!Urinetown!Urinetown!Urinetown!
Libretto copyright © 1998 by Greg Kotis and Mark Hollmann