The Man Book

Booze, Boobs and Baseball - A Kick-Ass Guide

Otto DeFay

St. Martin's Griffin

A THOUSAND NAMES FOR YOUR PENIS (NOT COUNTING PENIS)
A
ace in the hole • acorn Andy • Adam halfpint • Admiral Winky • AIDS grenade • the Alabama blacksnake • albino cave dweller • all-day sucker • anaconda • anal impaler • anal intruder • anal spear • ankle spanker • apple-headed monster • ass blaster • ass pirate • ass wedge • auger-headed gut wrench
B
baby maker • baby’s arm holding an apple • baby’s arm in a boxing glove • bacon bazooka • bacon rod • bad boy • bagpipe • Bald Avenger • the bald-headed beauty • bald-headed giggle stick • bald-headed hermit • bald-headed Jesus • bald-headed yogurt slinger • bald-headed spunkjuice dispenser • ball buddy • baloney pony • banana • battering ram • bayonet • Bavarian beefstick • beanstalk • beard splitter • beastus maximus • beaver buster • Beaver Cleaver • bed flute • bed snake • beef baton • beef bayonet • beef bugle • beef bus • beef missile • beef soldier • beef stick • Beefy McManstick • bell rope • belly stick • best leg of three • (big) beanpole • big Jake the one-eyed snake • big Jim and the twins • big Johnson • Big Lebowski • big number one • Big Red • big rod • big uncle • biggus dickus • Bilbo Baggins • bishop • the bishop with his nice red hat • bitch blaster • bitch stick • bits and pieces • blind butler • blind snake • blood blunt • blood slug • blood sword • Blow Pop • blowtorch • blue steel • blue-veined jackhammer • blue-veined junket pumper • blue-veined piccolo • blue-veined custard chucker • blue-veiner • blunt • Bob • Bob Johnson • bobo • bone • bone phone • bone a phone • bone roller-coaster • boneless beef • boneless fish • boner • bone-her • bop gun • bottle rocket • bowlegged swamp donkey • box buster • boy brush • bradford and the pair • bratwurst • breakfast burrito • breakfast wood • broom • Brutus • bubba • bulbous big-knob • bumtickler • bush beater • bush rusher • bushwhacker • Buster Hymen • Buster McThunderstick • butt blaster • butt pirate • butter churn • butter knife
C
candy cane • caped crusader • Captain Bilbo • Captain Crook • Captain Hook • Captain Howdy • Captain Kirk • Captain Winky • carnal stump • cattle prod • cave hunter • cax • cervix crusader • cervix pounder • chancellor • the chap • Charlie Russell the one-eyed muscle • cheese staff • cherry picker • cherry-poppin’ daddy • cherry splitter • Chi Zi Wang • chick sticker • chicksicle • chief of staff • chimbo • chimney cleaner • choo-choo • choad (chode) • chorizo • chowder dumper • chubby • chubby conquistador • chum • chunk o’ love • chunder thunder • cigar • circus boy • clam digger • clam hammer • clam sticker • clit tickler • clown • the cob • cock • cock goblin • cocktus • cockus erectus • codger • colon cowboy • colon crusader • colossus • command module • coral branch • corned beef lighthouse • corn dog • cornholer • cornstalk • cornstalk cowboy • crack hunter • crack smacker • cramstick • crank • crank shaft • cream-filled meat stick • cream bandit • cream cannon • creamsicle • creamstick • cream spritzer • crimson chitterling • crimson Darth Vader • crippler • crotch cobra • crotch cowboy • crotch rocket • crotch vomiter • crushin’ Russian • the cum pump • cummingtonite • cunny-catcher • cunt caper • the cunt companion • cunt pumper • cunt rifle • cunt scrubber • Cupid’s arrow • Curious George • custard cannon • custard pump • cyclops
D
daddy long-stroke • danglin’ fury • danglin’ wang • dangling participle • dart of love • Darth Vader • Davy Crockett • deep-veined purple-helmeted spartan of love • demeanor • the diamond cutter • dick • Dick and his two swingers • Dick and the twins • dickimus maximus • dickory dock • dickory-smoked coal sausage • digit • diller • dilly-ho-ho • ding-a-ling • ding-dong • dingle • dingle dangle • dingledong • dinglehopper • dingus • dingy • dinky • dipstick • Dirk Diggler • divining rod • dobber • docking tube • dolphin • dong • dong-bong • dong-stick • dongle • donker • Donkey Kong • doodad • doo-dah • doodle • doodle dandy • dooker • doohickey • doppelganger • dork • doughnut holder • dribbling dart of love • dribbling dragon • Dr. Cyclops • Dr. Feelgood • Dr. Wang • Duke • dumb stick • dungula bone
E
early riser • earthworm Jim • easy rider • egg roll • eight inches of throbbing pink Jesus • equipment • El Capitan • El Presidente • elastic plastic • elephant trunk • Elmer the glue shooter • Elvis • engine cranker • everlasting gob-dropper • every-other-time • excreting eel • executive staff member
F
family jewels • fandangle • Fat Albert • fat finger • fat Johnson • fetus feeler • fiddle bow • fiddle stick • fire-breathing dragon • fire hose • fire rod • fireman Ed • firm worm • Fishhook • fishing rod • fishing tackle • flapdoodle • fleshbone • flesh bat • flesh enema • flesh flute • flesh hoagie • flesh injection • flesh maggot • flesh pistol • flesh rocket • flesh tornado • flesh trumpet • flesh twinkie • fleshy Winnebago • flip-flap • fluid spitter • foaming beef probe • foo-foo • foofer (foof) • fool sticker • footlong • fondo worm • frank’n’ beans • frankfurter • Freddy firehose • Freddy fish monger • Free Willy • frigamajig • frightful hog • fuck flute • fuck puppet • fuckpole • fuckstick • fudgepacker • full meal • fun gun • fun truncheon • fury • fuzzbuster
G
gadget • gag mallet • gap stopper • gash mallet • gearshift • general • German soldier • gherkin • giant-sized manthing • giggle stick • gimmer stick • Girthy McGirth • girthy sausage • giving tree • gleaming love sword • glo worm • gluestick • Godzilla • goo pipe • goose’s neck • governor • Grabthar’s hammer • Grandpa’s knee • granite edifice • gravy maker • great pyramid • grinding tool • guided muscle • gummi worm • gushin’ Prussian • gut buster • gut stick • gut tapper • gut wrench guy
H
hairy pencil • hair splitter • Hairy Houdini • Hairy Scary and the two bald men • ham roll • hammer of Thor • Hampton • handfucker • handgun • handwarmer • Handy Andy • hang-lo • hanging chad • hanging hag • hanging Johnny • happy worm • hard-on • hardware • Harry • Harry & the Hendersons • Harry hot dog • he-ham • he-man sword • he who must be obeyed • heat-seeking moisture missile • helmet man • Herbie • Herculean lizard • Herman the one-eyed German • Herman von Longschlongstein • hidden treasure • high pressure vein cane • his eminence • his majesty • his rig • hog • hog leg • hole cork • holy poker • holy water sprinkler • home wrecker • honeypot cleaver • honey stick • Honk the magic goose • hoo hoo • hooded warrior • hooty hoo • horse-necked clam • hose • hot beef injection • hot dog • hot popsicle • hot tamale • Hugo • humdiddler • Hung Wei Lo • hunka-hunka burnin’ love • hymen hammer
I
ice cream machine • impregnator • incredible bulk • inflatable iron • injection erection • instant sex drive lever • Inter Cuntinental Ballistic Missile • intrusion protrusion • invincible man • iron horse • iron rod • Italian stallion • itty bitty meat • Ivan the Terrible • ivory shaft
J
Jack in the box • jackhammer • Jake the one-eyed snake • javelin • jellyfish • jerkin’ gherkin • jibberstick • jigger • jiggling bone • Jim and the twins • Jiminy Cricket • Jimmy • Jimmy Wriggler • jing jang • jingle bone • jizz syringe • jizz whiz • jockey stick • Johnson • John Thomas • John Thursday • Johnny Come Early • joint • JoJo the circus clown • jolly green giant • jolly jellybean • joyprong • joystick • Julio • junior • junk
K
Kaptain Kielbasa • Ken Cracker • Kentucky horn • Kentucky telescope • Kibbles’n Bits • kickstand • kidney cracker • kidney scraper • kielbasa • king • King Dingaling • King Dong • the kipper ripper • knee knocker • knowledge stick • knob • Kojak • Komodo dragon • Kong • kosher pickle
L
lady dagger • lance of love • lap rope • leaky faucet • leather lollipop • Lewinski lunch • lickin’ stick • licorice stick • life preserver • lil’ buddy • lil’ Mister • Lincoln log • little admiral • the little bastard • little Billy • little bishop in a turtleneck • little brother • little colonel • little Dickie • little Dutch boy • little Elvis • little friend • little gator • little guy • little Jesus • little Juan • little man • little shepherd boy • little slugger • little Willy • live sausage • lizard • lobster • lollipop • Long Dong Silver • long John • long Tom • Longrod Von Hugenstein • Lord James D’Armais • Lord Plumber • Louisville plugger • Louisville slugger • love gun • love leg • love log • love lollipop • love meat • love muscle • loven-ator • the love pole • love pump • love sausage • love stick • love sub • love sword • love thruster • love train • love truncheon • love wand • love weasel • love whistle • love torpedo • lucky Chucky • lunch • lunchmeat truncheon • lung disturber • lung puncturer • (luscious) lollipop
M
magenta mushroom • magic Johnson • magic member • magic wand • main vein • Major Manchowder • Major Woody • man-dingler • man-milk dispenser • man-child • mangina • mangroin • manimal • man axe • man cannon • man hammer • man loaf • man log • man meat • man muscle • man pipe • man plow • man pole • man root • man’s best friend • marriage tackle • marrowbone • master blaster • Master John Goodfellow • master of ceremonies • Master Wang • mayonnaise cannon • mayonnaise pistol • maypole • meat • meat’n’ potatoes • meat’n’ (two) veggies • meat balloon • meat bat • meat cigar • meat flute • meat hammer • meat missile • meat musket • meat pipe • meat pole • meat popsicle • meat puppet • meat skewer • meat speculum • meat stick • meat straw • meat thermometer • meat train • meat whistle • meat wrench • meaty cudgel • meaty internal spine support • meaty tongue depressor • melon baster • member • menstrual miner • Midas • middle leg • midnight wangler • mighty anaconda • mighty Dolan • mighty Joe Young • mighty monkey • mighty Thor • the milkman • Mini-Me • mister • mister happy • Moby Dick • mojo • molten mushroom • monkeymaker • monkey • monkey tamer • monster • Monty’s python • morning muscle • Moses • Mr. Bendy • Mr. Big • Mr. Bigglesworth • Mr. Bo • Mr. Boing Boing • Mr. Bojangles • Mr. Clean • Mr. Eel-y • Mr. Friendly • Mr. Giggles • Mr. Happy • Mr. Jiggle Daddy • Mr. Johnson and the juice crew • Mr. Magoo • Mr. Merrymaker • Mr. Microphone • Mr. Mojo Risin’ • Mr. Mouth Missle • Mr. Mushroom Head • Mr. Pee-pee • Mr. Peepers • Mr. Potato Head • Mr. President • Mr. Rogers • Mr. Salami • Mr. Sniffles • Mr. Toad’s wild ride • Mr. Wiggles • Mr. Wigglestick • Mr. Wiggly • Mr. Willy • Mr. Winky • Mr. Wobbly • muff marauder • muffin butterer • mule • murky lurker • muscle of love • mushroom on a stick • mushroom-tipped love dart • mustn’touchit • mutton dagger • mutton javelin • mutton pole • muzzled bulldog
N
nail • Navajo hogan • the Nebuchadnezzar • needle • nightcrawler • nightstick • nimrod • nine-inch knocker • nuke
O
old one-eye • old blind Bob • old chap • old drizzly • Old Faithful • old fella • old man • old slimy • Oliver Twist • one-eyed bathtub eel • one-eyed blue-vein • one-eyed Charlie and the stink twins • one-eyed cornhusker • one-eyed cow killer • one-eyed custard chucker • one-eyed Fred • one-eyed giant • one-eyed gopher • one-eyed hip snake • one-eyed horny newt • one-eyed Jack • one-eyed milkman • one-eyed moisture missle • one-eyed monster • one-eyed nightcrawler • one-eyed snake • one-eyed superhero • one-eyed throbbing python of love • one-eyed trouser mouse • one-eyed trouser psychic • one-eyed trouser snake • one-eyed trouser trout • one-eyed Willy • one-eyed wonder weasel • one-eyed wonder worm • one-eyed wrinkle-necked trouser trout • one-eyed yogurt thrower • one-holed bologna phone • one-holed friction whistle • one hundred percent all-beef thermometer • one-string bass • Optimus Prime • organ • other head • Otis Deepthroatis • our one-eyed brother • ovarian pool stick • oyster probe
P
package • pajama python • Palm Pilot • Panda Express • pants snake • papa’s poker • passion pistol • passion pump • peacemaker • peanut • pearl diver • pearl pole • Pebbles and Bam Bam • pecker • Pedro • pee-pee • Pee-Wee • peener • peenie • pelvic punisher • pelvis thumb • pencil • pendulum • peni • penial • Pennis the Menace • Pepe • Peppito • Percy • perpendicular pickle • the Pete(r) • Peter the Great • petit Jesu • phallus • piccolo • pickle • pied piper • piece • piece of pork • pig in a blanket • pigskin bus • pigsticker • pikestaff • pile driver • pillipacker • pimp cane • pimpin’ stick • pink cigar • Pink Floyd • pink oboe • pink-seeking missile • pink torpedo • pinkle • pipe cleaner • piss pump • piss handle • piss whistle • pisser • piston rod • placenta poker • pleasure missile • pleasure pickle • pleasure piston • plonker • pocket pool stick • pocket rocket • Polish kielbasa • polished pine • plum-tree shaker • pocket otter • pocket perch • pocket rocket • Poka-her-hontas • pogo stick • pointer • pole • polvo • polyphemus • pompadoodle • poon farmer • poon prod • poon wrecker • poontanger • poozle weasel (woozle) • Pope John Pole III • Popeye • porcelain plumber • porridge gun • pork knife • pork sword • pork truncheon • porkeroon • porksicle • porn prong • porridge pump • power rod • power prawn • premeditator • presidential podium • prick • prickolo • pride and joy • primus pilus • Prince Charming • Prince Everhard of the Netherlands • private parts • probe • prong • protein spicket • protein torpedo • pube kabob • pubic bong • pud • Puff the Magic Dragon • pulsating python of love • pulsating woodwind • pump-action yogurt rifle • pump handle • pumping pole of penile power • pup tent • puppet Jack • purple avenger • purple bulb • purple-headed bed snake • purple-headed belly ripper • purple-headed cum shooter • purple-headed custard chucker • purple-headed love truncheon • purple-headed meat scepter • purple-headed pirate • purple-headed punisher • purple-headed warrior • purple-headed womb broom • purple-headed womb ferret • purple-headed yogurt slinger • purple-helmeted soldier of love • purple-helmeted Nazi of love • purple-helmeted warrior • purple muffin • purple mushroom • purple pile driver • purple pork chop • purple pulsating pillar of power • pussy duster • pussy piston • pussy plumber • pussy plunger • pussy poker • pussy pounder • pussy stretcher • pud • putz
Q
quarter master • quarter pounder with cheese • quickshot Sam • quim-tickler • quivering member
R
rainbow roll • Ralph the fur-faced chicken • ramburglar • ramrod • ranger • real deal • Reaming Tower of Penis • red ender • red-helmeted love warrior • red-hot poker • red rocket • rhubarb • Richard and the twins • Richard Cranium • Richard Head • Rick Hard • ring stinger • rising cedar • rocket to Uranus • rod • rod hard ride • rod of lordly might • Rodney Stickshift • Rodzilla • rogering ramjet • rolling pin • Roman soldier • root • root of all evil • Roto-Rooter • round steak • ruby-headed love dart • ruddy sausage • rump wrangler • Rumpleforeskin • Russell the love muscle • Russell the one-eyed (wonder) muscle
S
salami • salami grande • salty dog • sausage roll • scabby mayonnaise revolver • scepter • schlong • Schlongmaster 2000 • schnickel • schnitzel • schvance/schvantz • schvontz/schwantz • Schwartz • Scooby snack • schlort • schmeckle • schmuck • seed shooter • Señor Happy • Sergeant Stiffy • serpentine • sex pistol • shaft • shaft of Cupid • sheep shank • sheep shifter • shift stick • shit hook • shit stick • short arm • shrimp boat • silk shocker • silly Willy’s stick of mayhem • single-bore mayonnaise pistol • Sir Martin Wagstaff • Sir Spanks-a-Lot • six shooter • skin boat • skin bus • skin diver • skin flute • skivvies lizard • skippy • Sleeping Beauty • Slick Dilly • Slim Jim • slim reaper • the slippery love dolphin • sliteyed demon • slong • sludge pump • slut stick • snappy beef stick • snot sausage • soldier • solicitor general • soul pole • soup can • sour cream rifle • snake • snapper slapper • snoz wanger • spackle hammer • spam dagger • spam javelin • spanky • spelunker • spelunking sausage • sperm burper • sperm spitter • spermin’ Herman • sperminator • spigot • spike bit • spitting python • spitting snake • split-ass mechanic • split-headed bishop • splooge moose • spongey-headed warrior • spoo shooter • sprout • spunk spitter • spunk stick • spunk trunk • spunker • Spurt Reynolds • squinty blowpop • squirmin’ Herman the one-eyed German • staff • staff of life • stain maker • stallion • standing Hampton • Stanley • Stanley the power tool • stick o’ salami • stick • stick shift • sticky shooter • stiff one-eye • stiff sausage • stiffy • stink hammer • stomach wrench • strawberry snake • stretchy and the twins • strumpet thumper • stubby • sugar stick • super schlong of love • suspect • sweet meat • swelling mushroom • swingin’ death • swingin’ Dick Nixon • swingin’ sirloin • swizzle stick • swollen blood bomber
T
taco warmer • tally whacker • tank slapper • tapioca sprinkler • tassle • teeter • Tennessee throat warmer • tent peg • tent pole • Texas trout banger • thadge navigator • thingamabob • thing(y) • third arm of justice • third leg • Thomas • Thor’s hammer • three-inch punisher • the Three’s Company • thrill drill • throat choker • throbbing blood sword • throbbing horse cock • throbbing purple pneumatic drill of love • throbbing purple spear of destiny • throbbing python of love • thumper • thunder stick • tickle tail • tickle Toby • tiddlywinker • tingler • Tinky Winky • tiny Elvis • Tiny Tim • titmouse • Tobias the cheeky monkey • Tom Jones • Tom Slick • Tonka • tonsil tickler • tool • tool of the patriarchy • torch of Cupid • totem pole • tower of power • tree of life • trembling torpedo • trombone • troublemaker • trouser flute • trouser hog • trouser Mauser • trouser mouse • trouser snake • trouser tortoise • trouser trombone • trouser trout • trout baster • tuba • tube steak • tummy banana • tummy buster • tuna baster • tuna fisher • the tunnel tickler • turgid member • turkey neck • turtle • twat expander • twat torquer • twat torpedo • twat washer • tweeder • twelve-inch train of pain • twenty-first digit • twig • twig’n’ berries • twig’n’ giggle berries • twinkie • twizzler of love • the two-legged sword • two pebbles and a twig • two pounds of swinging meat
U
ugly brother • ugly stick • Uncle Chunk • Uncle Dick • Uncle Reamus • Uncle Richard • Uncle Spunk • Uncle Throbby • Uncle Wiggly • unemployed • unit • upright citizen • upright organ • upright uncle • uterus unicorn
V
vagina miner • vaginal dilator • vaginal explorer • Vaseline machine gun • vein-laden meat pipe • vein-laden meat stick • veinous maximus • veiny bangstick • verga • vertical dangler • verve pipe • Viagra baby • vicious dink • virile member • Vlad the Impaler • vomit rod • vomiting dummy
W
wacker • Waldo • Wally • Wally the one-eyed wonder wiener • wand of light • wang • wanker • wanker spanker • war hammer • the waterspout • wazoo • wedding finger • wedding tackle • wedding wrecker • wedge bone • Ween • weenie • wee-wee • Wee Willy Winky • wee wonder stick • wenis • whamadoodle • whammy bar • whisker slitter • whistle • whistle stick • who-who • whopper • whore monger • whore pipe • whore thermometer • wicked scepter • widget • wiener • wife and kids • wife’s best friend • wife’s worst enemy • wigga wagga • wiggedy wang • wiggity wang • wiggle stick • wiggling worm • wilbert • Wilbur • Willard • Willy • Willy the one-eyed wonder worm • Willy Wonka • wing-wang • winkster • winky • Winky the milk-spitting tunnel ferret • wizard’s staff • wobbly warhead • womb broom • womb hammer • womb raider • womb scud • womb warrior • wonder down under • wonder weiner • wonder wick • wong • wonga • wood • woodle • woody • wookie • worm in a roll-neck pullover • Wormy McJuicemaker • wriggling pole • wrinklebeast
X
Xcaliber • XTC Stick
Y
yam • yang • yard o’ beef • ying yang • yogurt shooter • yogurt slinger • Yul Brynner • yum-yum • yummy hummer
Z
zamboner • Zamboni baloney • zapper wrench • zipper ripper • zipper trout • zipper wookie
THE MAN BOOK. Copyright © 2008 by Otto DeFay. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.