Do Unto Others
27
Decidedly Demented Things to Do in a Mall
"Welcome to Circuit City, where service is state of the art."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
A trip to the mall can be an unbearable experience. Long lines, over-friendly sales clerks, and hordes of whining children can take their toll. But malls don't have to be so grueling. There are plenty of ways to entertain yourself in these temples of consumption.
1. Go to Supercuts, ask them to "take a little off the stomach."
2. At Blockbuster, replace the movies in "staff recommendations" with low-budget drive-in movies and hardcore pornography like Hot Resort, Sizzle Beach USA, and Ebony Humpers 6.
3. Start scuffle in Foot Locker, try to get salesman to give you a technical.
4. At Barnes and Noble, hang out in self-help section, hit on vulnerable women.
5. Try to grate cheese using an escalator.
6. When department-store employees spray you with perfume/cologne sample, scream "I'm melting ... . I'm melting ... . So much pain ... Death is welcome ..."; crumple to ground.
7. At Abercrombie & Fitch, badger other customers with lengthy explanations as to why Abercrombie is far superior to Fitch; distribute propaganda.
8. Go to Kmart, buy absurd combinations of things that arouse cashier's imagination. Examples: a) a calculator, some glue, and a jar of olives b) a hamster, a fork, and some paprika c) pack of thumbtacks, a menorah, and a bottle of vodka.
9. Offer to pay for things in a) pennies b) acorns c) "tales of adventure."
10. Set up book-signing table, claim you are Art Buchwald. If you choose, write delusional and threatening notes in book copies, e.g. "The infidels shall be quashed," "Cower to my genius," and "I shall shower nougat upon your first born."
11. Stroll through toy store with electronic "Simon" in pants, watch customers' confusion.
12. Go to TGI Friday's, order a table for two. Insist that Steve Guttenberg will be joining you; feign heartbreak when he doesn't show up.
13. Ask news shop if they have the latest edition of Inhaler Aficionado.
14. Try on biker shorts that are too small for you. Stand in front of mirror scrutinizing fit, often eliciting sales clerk's opinion.
15. Teach pet-store parrots to say, "I have a prehensile penis and retractable testicles."
16. Set up soap box in arcade, preach and rant about "Pinfla-tion--the unnecessary increase in pinball scores"; blame Germans.
17. Go into Victoria's Secret, hand clerk sexy lingerie, tell her, "You look about my girlfriend's size. Could you try this on?"
18. Do the same thing, but say, "You look about my mom's size."
19. Do the same thing, but say "You look about Jack Sikma's size."
20. Go to piercing shop, ask them to pierce your pancreas.
21. At Barnes and Noble, fake like you're speed-reading Dostoyevsky at an absurd rate. Nod and chuckle occasionally.
22. Do the same, but pretend that you can comprehend the words simply by sniffing them.
23. Walk up to someone and "recognize" them as Carrie Fisher. Insist on getting an autograph.
24. Try to make mall cops laugh, as though they were members of England's Royal Guard.
25. Try to make them cry.
26. Open all jars of tennis balls, inhale fumes, tell people in a giggly slur that "Sport's Authority is so much better if you're stoned."
27. Take large, cumbersome, awkwardly shaped objects to department stores to be gift-wrapped. (Examples: stack of firewood, an inflated blow-up doll, a live mallard.)
DO UNTO OTHERS. Copyright © 2000 by Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address
