JEWISH JOKES (Chapter One)The Jewish Jokes
Early Years

Babies

Sarah has recently given birth to her first child. Sarah is also a bit of a worrier, to say the least, and she hasn't been home long before she calls her doctor in a state of panic.

"So what's the problem, Sarah?" asks the doctor.

"My baby has a temperature of 102, doctor. Is he going to die?" shouts Sarah.

The doctor, needing to determine whether Sarah was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere, says, "I hope you don't mind me asking you this question, but—how are you taking it?

Sarah replies, "Oh, I'm holding up pretty well, doctor."

Sadie is 65 years old and has always remained unmarried, yet she desperately wants a baby of her own. So with the help of modern science and with the help of a fertility specialist, Sadie has her miracle baby.

When she gets home, all her friends and relatives come to see her and meet the new member of her family. But when they ask to see the baby, Sadie says, "not yet."

A little later they again ask to see the baby and again Sadie says, "not yet."

Finally they ask, "So when can we see the baby?"

Sadie replies, "When the baby cries."

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" they say.

Sadie replies, "Because I forgot where I put it."

Rivkah went to her doctor for a checkup. Afterward the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."

As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me—'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel.' "

Yitzhak and Melvyn live in a retirement home. One day, they are sitting on a bench under a tree, and Yitzhak turns to Melvyn and says, "Melvyn, I'm 85 years old and I'm full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"

Melvyn replies, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really? Like a baby?"

"Yes," replies Melvyn, "No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet myself."

Sam had just picked up his wife Beckie and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Beckie suggested that Sam should try his hand at changing the diaper. "I'm busy," he said, "I promise I'll do the next one."

The next time soon came around so Beckie asked him again. Sam looked at Beckie and said, innocently, "I didn't mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby."

Ruth had just given birth to her tenth child in Edgware hospital. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough of the babies, already?"

Ruth replied, "Are you joking? This is the only time I get to have a vacation each year."

The time had arrived for Moshe to take his Leah to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor.

The doctor set the pain transfer dial to ten percent for starters, explaining that even ten percent was probably more pain than Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, Moshe felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to twenty percent pain transfer. Moshe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for fifty percent. Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. Leah and Moshe were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.

Miriam gets on a bus with her baby. As she goes to pay her fare, the bus driver says to her, "I've seen a lot of babies in my time but that's the ugliest one I've ever seen in my life."

Miriam is shocked and very angry at this insensitive remark. She sits down and starts to cry. The man next to her asks her what's the matter.

Miriam replies, "The bus driver just insulted me."

The man replies, "I wouldn't let him get away with it. You go and give him a piece of your mind. Go on—I'll hold your monkey for you."

Little Benjy was in his Hebrew class and was learning all about how God created everything, including humans. He was especially interested when his teacher got to the bit about how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later that day, Benjy's mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, so she said to him, "Benjy, darling, what's the matter with you?"

Benjy replied, "I have a pain in my side, Mom. I think I'm going to have a wife."

As his wife was expecting their first baby, Rabbi Bloom went to the synagogue committee and asked for a salary increase. After much deliberation, they passed a resolution that when the rabbi's family expanded again, so would his payslip.

Six children later, it began to get expensive for the shul and they decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the rabbi's salary situation. This time there was much arguing and shouting. Rabbi Bloom could take it no more, so he got up and said, "Having children is an act of God."

The chairman replied, "Snow and storms are also 'acts of God,' but when it gets to be too much, we wear rubbers."
Circumcision
"I'm getting operated on tomorrow."

"Oh? What are they going to do?"

"Circumcise me!"

"I had that done when I was just a few days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"I couldn't walk for a year."

And Moses said unto the Lord, "We are Your chosen people and You want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"

A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe.

A tax official visited a rural synagogue for an inspection. Rabbi Gold accompanied him.

"So rabbi, tell me please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burned? What do you do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replied, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city? And when you do this, what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."

Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?

A: A bris kit.

Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than eight days old?

A: A girl.

Morris was a very uneducated man, but by ruthless means became very rich. The older Morris got, the richer he got, the richer he got, the more women he had, the more women he had, the less use he was to them. One day, Morris went to the top surgeon in the business and said, "I want to be castrated."

"You want to be WHAT?"

"I said castrated, my sexual powers are failing. I insist you operate at once."

The surgeon was a bit dubious, but in view of this last statement, and for a fee of $4,000, he carried out the operation.

Some weeks later, Morris was drinking in his local pub, listening to the conversation at the next table. "Hey, Barney," said one of the group, "Do you think there's any truth to the rumor that if a man gets himself circumcised, it improves his sexual performance?"

Morris quickly left the pub muttering to himself "Circumcised, that was the word I've been trying to think of."

Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for New York some years earlier, returns to visit his family.

"But Benjamin, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mother," he replies, "In Brooklyn, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks.

"Mother, business is business. In NYC, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?" asks his mother.

"Mother, in New York, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

Then silence, while his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans over and whispers in his ear, "Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?"

David's watch was not working. He remembered passing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window, so he took the watch in for repair.

"Can I help you?" asked the man behind the counter.

"I want this watch repaired," said David.

"I'm sorry. I don't repair watches."

"Well, how much for a new one then?" asked David.

"I don't sell watches."

"You don't sell watches?"

"No, I don't sell watches."

"Clocks, you sell clocks then? How much for a clock?" "I don't sell clocks."

David was getting exasperated. "You don't sell watches, you don't sell clocks?"

"No, I'm a mohel," replied the man.

"Then why do you have all those clocks and watches in the window?"

"If you were a mohel, tell me, what would you put in your window?"

It won't be long now," said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.

Harry and Victor are in the men's room at Grand Central Station.

Harry says to Victor, "Are you from Syosset?"

Victor replies, "Yes, how did you know that?"

Harry says, "Do you belong to the Syosset Synagogue?"

Victor exclaims, "Yes, how did you know that?"

Harry then says, "Is Rabbi Levy, the mohel, still there?"

Victor replies, "Yes, how did you know that?"

Harry answers, "It's obvious. Rabbi Levy always cuts on a slant and you're peeing on my shoe."

Tex Cohen lived in—you guessed it, Texas. One day, he bought a round of drinks for everyone in the pub because his wife Honeysuckle had just given birth to a typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds. Everyone in the pub congratulated him and many told him that they found it hard to believe that his baby weighed in so heavy. But Tex assured them, "It's true, it's really true."

When Tex came back to the same pub three weeks later, the bartender said to him, "Say, you're the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth aren't you? So tell us, how much does your baby weigh now?"

Tex proudly replied, "Twelve pounds."

The barman could not understand this, so he asked Tex, "Why? Is he ill? What happened? He weighed twenty pounds at birth, why has he lost so much weight?"

Tex took a big swig from his beer, wiped his lips with the back of his hand, leaned into the bartender and proudly replied, "Had him circumcised."
Children
Leah gives 25c to her daughter Sarah. The little girl goes outside and returns ten minutes later without the coin. Wondering what she has done with the money, Leah asks, "Where is the 25c I gave you, darling?"

"I gave it to an old lady," says Sarah.

"Oh, you sweet girl. I am so proud. Tomorrow you shall have one dollar."

The next day, true to her word, Leah gives Sarah a whole dollar. Off Sarah goes outside and returns later without the bill.

"What did you do with the one pound?"

"Oh, today I saw the same old lady," begins Sarah, as her mother beamed at her, "and gave her the dollar so she could buy me a bigger ice cream."

Rabbi Bloom asked young Paul what his favorite Bible story was.

"I guess the one about Noah and the Ark, where they floated around on the water for forty days and forty nights" replied Paul.

"That was a good story," said Rabbi Bloom, "and, with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you think?"

Paul thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't think so—they only had two worms."

Whenever four-year-old Miriam was asked her name, she replied, "I'm Mr. Levy's daughter."

So her mother told her this was wrong and that she must answer, "I'm Miriam Levy."

Next Shabbes, after the service, the rabbi asked her, "Aren't you Mr. Levy's daughter, little girl?"

Miriam replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

Even though they were brought up strictly orthodox, Shlomo, eight, and Isaac, ten, were very naughty brothers. When anything went wrong in town, they were nearly always involved. One day, a friend visited their parents and mentioned a rabbi who was having great success with delinquent children. As they were finding it difficult to control their boys, they went to this rabbi and asked whether he could help.

He said he could and asked to see the younger boy first—but he must be alone. So Shlomo went to see the rabbi while Isaac was kept at home. The rabbi sat Shlomo down at a huge, solid mahogany desk and he sat down on the other side. For five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his finger at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?"

Shlomo said nothing.

Again, in a louder tone, the rabbi pointed at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Again Shlomo said nothing.

Then the rabbi leaned across the desk, put his finger on Shlomo's nose and shouted, "For the third time, Shlomo, where is God?"

Shlomo panicked at this, got up and ran all the way home. He went straight up to Isaac's room and said, "We are in big trouble, Isaac."

"What do you mean, big trouble, little brother?" said Isaac.

Shlomo replied, "God is missing—and they think we did it."

As soon as the Shabbes service had ended, little Benjy walks up to Rabbi Bloom and says, "When I grow up, Rabbi, I'm going to give you lots of money."

Rabbi Bloom laughs and replies, "That's really good to know, Benjy, but why do you want to do this?"

Benjy replies, "Because my Dad says you're the poorest rabbi we have ever had!"

Sadie goes with her young son Moshe to visit her best friend Rifka and her young daughter Hannah, as they do every Sunday afternoon. When they arrive, the two mothers send their children upstairs so they can talk about their neighbors. The children are first given a stern warning not to fight. After about an hour, everything is too quiet upstairs so Sadie hollers out, "Children, you're not fighting up there are you?"

Moshe's voice comes back, "No mum, we're not fighting, we're shtupping

Sadie replies, "That's good children, don't fight."

Sadie was making some pancakes as a treat for her two young sons, Simon and Nicky. But the boys began to argue as to who should get the first pancake she made.

"Shame on you boys," said Sadie. "If the wise King Solomon were here today, he would say, 'let my brother have the first pancake.' "

Nicky looked at Simon and said, "OK, Simon, you be King Solomon today."

Rodney Dangerfield:

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a radio and a toaster!"

"I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

Little Paul says to his father, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married."

His father says, "For that son, you have to have a girlfriend."

Paul says, "But I've found a girl."

"Who?" says his father.

"My grandma."

"Let me get this straight." the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."

"Well, why not?" says Paul. "You married mine."

One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair. Hannah looked at her mother and said, "Why have you got some white hairs, mummy?"

Her mother replied, "Well, darling, every time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother's hairs turns white."

Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, "Mummy, so how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Rebecca was a kindergarten teacher. One day, during her art lesson, as she was walking around the class observing the children while they were drawing, she stopped at little Leah's desk. Leah was working away very diligently.

Rebecca said, "What are you drawing, Leah?"

Leah replied, "I'm drawing God, teacher."

Rebecca paused and then said, "But no one knows what God looks like, Leah."

Without looking up from her work, Leah replied, "They will in a minute."
Schools and Teachers
A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day. "Be a good boy, my bubbeleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby."

At the end of the day, she's waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his first day at school?"

"I learned that my name is David."

"Hyman, you had better come over here right away. There has been some trouble with your son."

"Vy, vot's happened, teacher?"

"I can't discuss it over the phone, you had better come."

So Hyman arrives at the school. "I'm very sorry to tell you but we are expelling your son; we can't tolerate his sort of behavior here."

"But vy, vot's he done?"

"Well, to be quite frank, we found him playing with his genitals."

"But dat's not such a terrible ting, some of my best friends are genitals."

Yossi comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

Yossi says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

On her first day in her new job, Christine, a new school teacher, thinks it would be a good idea to try to bond with the children by asking each of them their name and what their father did for a living.

The first little girl replies, "My name is Celina, teacher, and my daddy is a dustman."

The next little boy replies, I'm Peter and my dad is a gardener."

But the next little boy says, "My name is Moshe, teacher, and my father is a strip-o-gram during the day and works in a gay club at night."

Christine quickly changes the subject.

Later on, in the school playground, Christine quietly goes over to Moshe and asks, "Is it really true what you said about your father, Moshe?"

Moshe blushes and replies, "I'm sorry teacher but he's a chartered accountant at Arthur Andersen. I was just too embarrassed to say so."

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand. "Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"

"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they received the Ten Commandments?"

"Yes, David."

"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"

"Yes, David, that's also true."

"And the children of Israel also fought the Egyptians and fought the Romans and built the Temple?"

"Again you are correct, David."

"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"

Mr. Henry the math teacher, enters the classroom. The students are playing around after the bell and are not in their seats, so Mr. Henry decides to teach them a lesson.

He calls, "Ivan, name a two-digit number."

Ivan responds, "56."

Mr. Henry says, "Why not 65? Sit down, you have a D minus."

Peter, name a two-digit number."

Peter responds, "18."

Mr. Henry says, "Why not 81? D minus for you, too."

"Moshe, name a two-digit number."

Moshe responds, "33."

Mr. Henry says, "Why not—Moshe! Stop these Jewish tricks at once!"

A young, popular, but controversial teacher tells her third-year class that she is an atheist and asks if there are any other atheists in the class, that they put up their hands. Not really knowing what an atheist was, but wanting to follow their teacher, all but one of them immediately put up their hands. The exception is Natalie. The teacher asks Natalie why she wants to be different to all the others.

"Because I'm not an atheist," she replies.

"So what are you then?" asks the teacher.

"I'm Jewish."

The teacher asks Natalie why she is Jewish.

"I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mother is Jewish and my father is Jewish, so I am Jewish."

"That's not a good enough reason," the teacher says loudly "What if your mum was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

"Then I'd be an atheist," says Natalie, smiling.

Little Sarah is attending her very first sex education class at her school. During the lesson, she asks her teacher, "Miss, do you think my mother could get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother, Sarah?"

Sarah replies, "She's 38 years old, Miss."

The teacher then says, "Yes, Sarah, your mother could get pregnant."

Sarah then asks, "Miss, can my big sister also get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister, Sarah?"

Sarah answers, "She's eighteen, Miss."

The teacher says, "Oh yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

So Sarah then asks, "Can I get pregnant, Miss?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you, Sarah?"

Sarah replies, "I'm seven years old, Miss."

The teacher says, "No, Sarah, you can't get pregnant."

Little Maurice, who is sitting behind Sarah, gives her a poke in the back and says, "See, Sarah, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Little Moshe is doing his homework. As his mother walks past his room, she hears him saying, "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two. Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four. Three and three."

So she asks him, "Darling, where did you learn that way of doing sums?"

Moshe replies, "My teacher, Miss Anderson, taught us that way, mummy."

Next day, Moshe's mother goes into his classroom, confronts Miss Anderson and tells her about Moshe's "different" way of doing arithmetic. Miss Anderson is shocked. At first she can't understand why Moshe would say that she had taught it, but then suddenly it dawned on her.

"I know why," she says, "in our class, we say, one and one, the sum of which is two."

The Student Letter and Its Reply

Dear Dad

Univer$ity life i$ really great and I'm beginning to enjoy it. Even though I'm making lot$ of new friend$, I Still find time to Study very hard. I already have $ome Stuff and I Simply can't think of anything el$e I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t Send me a Simple card a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, your Son,

Mo$he

His father replies:

Dear Moshe

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are

probably NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOrs student busy. But

do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and

one can never study eNOugh.

Love, your father,

ArNOld

Two yeshiva students are discussing whether it is allowed to smoke while learning Torah. But they cannot reach any agreement. So Yankel says to Moshe, "We will go and ask the Rebbe."

When they find the rabbi, Yankel asks him, "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"

The rabbi replies in a severe tone of voice, "Certainly not!"

Moshe then addresses the rabbi, "Rebbe, let me ask you another question. May we learn Torah while we smoke?"

The rabbi immediately replies, with a warm smile, "Yes, of course!"

Just before the class took their math exams, their teacher asked them the following problem to test how well they would do in the real exam:

A rich man dies and leaves $440 million in his will. One-third is to go to his wife; one-fifth is to go to his son; one-sixth to his chauffeur; one-eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?

After a long silence in the classroom, Saul raised his hand.

"Yes, Saul," said the teacher.

"A good tax lawyer!" he replied.

Jacob from Russia had just completed a training course entitled "Improve your English" and was taking an oral exam. The examiner asked him to spell "cultivate."

Jacob spelled it correctly.

Then the examiner asked Jacob to use the word "cultivate" in a sentence.

Jacob thought about it for a while, then replied, "Last vinter, on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for de bus but it vas too cultivate so I took an underground train home."

Rifka told her daughter. "You should read your Bible, Sarah, just like Grandma does."

Sarah replied, "I don't have to yet, mummy. Grandma's studying for her final exams."

Q: What's a genius?

A: An average student with a Jewish mother.

One morning, the teacher asks her class, "All those who want to go to heaven, please put up your hand."

Everyone raises their hand except Benjamin, so the teacher asks, "Why don't you want to go to heaven, Benjamin?"

"Because," he replies, "I heard my father tell my mother, 'Business has gone to hell,' and I want to go where the business went."

It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the cafeteria. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message: "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching."

At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies. Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."

JEWISH JOKES Copyright © 2005 by David Minkoff.