Book excerpt

English as a Second F*cking Language

How to Swear Effectively, Explained in Detail with Numerous Examples Taken From Everyday Life

Sterling Johnson

St. Martin's Press

English as a Second F*cking Language
FUCKFuck is the mother of all words. Short and effective, it gets to the root of creation.The euphemisms for fuck are cumbersome and inexact. One example will make our point: 
Some Romeo! What a namby-pamby mouthful! In the time it takes to say it, you could fuck a half-dozen times. 
Fuck is sometime called the F-Word. Avoid that term. Just say fuck. 
fuckThe word's meaning, both as noun and verb, is sexual and positive. However, many of its extended, nonsexual meanings can be negative.example:Sigmund: How come you're mad at Carl?Rudolph: The no-good fuck fucked me out of ten dollars.fuck aroundThis sometimes means to fuck people other than your mate. It can also mean to engage in idle fun.example:fuck itThe non-sexual meaning is similar to "the hell with it." It's a useful term for dismissing nonessential or irrelevant matters.example:fuck upAs a noun, fuck-up refers to a botched situation or an incompetent person. As a verb, fuck up refers to the action that caused it.example
Fuck you!This is one of the most useful phrases in the lexicon of swears. It eliminates the need to argue--or even reason--with people whose purposes or opinions are different from your own.example:(NOTE: Marcel's words are italicized to indicate that he is acting them out rather than speaking them.)example:EQUIVALENTS OF FUCKThere are a number of equivalents for the word fuck. Our panel sees no need for them, but we offer a few for informational purposes.VERBSballThis comes from the expression "to have a ball"--a good time. The "ball" in this case refers to a gala event, not a testicle. However, in order to ball, you need to have the testicular type of ball. You only need one, but two is the norm.example
bangOf the many aggressive words for fuck, this is the most common. Others include boff and thump.examples:dickThis term comes from the tool used in the act.example
get it, etc.Combinations with get that mean fuck include: get a little, get in, get it, get it on, get laid, get some, and get your ashes hauled.hide the weenieThis is a jocular way to say fuck. Avoid it.layThis is a mild term for fuck, and a common one. It's based on the strange idea that people always lay down to fuck (see basket fuck in the IDIOMS section).screwExcept in a basket fuck (see the IDIOMS section) there is no actual rotation involved. Like fuck, screw can have a negative, non-sexual meaning.example:NOUNSlay fuck piece of ass quickie 
FUCK ANALYSISNight at the Opera1. Fucking-A: This is a strong affirmation.2. the fuck: This is an intensifier.3. Fucked: This is short for "I'll be fucked if I know," which has nothing to do with actual fucking. It's the equivalent of "I'll be damned if I know," which has nothing to do with damnation. In other words: "I don't know."4. Oh, fuck! This is an interjection. The Oh isn't necessary; Fuck! by itself is a complete interjection.5. fucked up: This means damaged.6. fuck: Here, fuck is used in a negative sense, similar to, "The hell with the opera."7. fuck: Here, fuck is used in its primary sense.8. fucking: A novice might think the intended meaning is: "This is a good idea about fucking." In fact fucking in the sexual sense isn't intended; the word is merely an intensifier. And a fucking good one at that. 
Copyright © 1995 by Sterling Johnson. All rights reserved. World-renowned for his innovative lectures and workshops, Professor Sterling Johnson has been teaching English as a second language for over twenty years. He now lives in Pacific Grove, California, where he enjoys a "nice f*cking day" as much as the next fellow.