Macmillan Childrens Publishing Group

Everybody Curses, I Swear!

Uncensored Tales from the Hollywood Trenches

Carrie Keagan with Dibs Baer; read by Carrie Keagan

Macmillan Audio

MORE ABOUT THIS BOOK


INTRODUCTION


THE ENCYCLOPEDIA HYSTERICA FOR THE CURSING CONNOISSEUR


 


Cock-juggling thunder cunt.


That’s my favorite curse word. So vile, so visceral, so poetic. It feels like a Vivienne Westwood ensemble from the seventies. Rebellious, absurd, tasteless, precarious, and powerful, all wrapped up into one plaid, pleated, and politically incorrect pantsuit. You can’t get the image out of your mind just like you’ll never forget this curse word. I heard it for the first time in one of my favorite guilty-pleasure movies, the 2004 masterpiece Blade: Trinity. In it, Ryan Reynolds’s character, Hannibal King, was being held captive by a demented vampire queen played by Parker Posey. Tied up and maybe a little turned on, Hannibal spat at her, “You cock-juggling thunder cunt!” My eyes widened, my jaw dropped, I felt a slight tingling sensation, and I believe I had my very first sweargasm. It was like witnessing the triple Salchow of cuss-outs—dazzling yet dangerous—and oh, so inspiring. I immediately put it into regular rotation in my vocabulary. If you don’t think cock-juggling thunder cunt really rolls off the tongue nicely, you’re either lying or you’re doing it wrong! Like the one night I got a little elegantly elevated (aka drunk) and hit my head on a parking meter. It came flying out of my mouth so organically and effortlessly: “cock-juggling thunder cunt.” On a side note, I do find it funny that the man who helped craft Chris Nolan’s Batman trilogy and Zack Snyder’s adventures with the Justice League was the creative genius who gave birth to the cock-juggling thunder cunt, at Marvel of all places: David S. Goyer, my hero!


Before we go any further … if you’re offended by the idea of a cock-juggling thunder cunt, or that sometimes I get shitfaced and fall down, I’m afraid this book is not for you. Just close the cover or tap that [x] right now. Go back to your local/digital bookstore and choose something safer. Might I suggest the incredibly charming Games You Can Play with Your Pussy by Ira Alterman, or there’s the wonderful coffee-table book by Graham Johnson, entitled Images You Should Not Masturbate To—a personal favorite.


For the rest of you, welcome to my wonderful world of potty-mouthed depravity! By the way, most of us live in this world. The average person swears eighty times a day, according to a thing I found on Wikipedia that I choose to believe. Sounds like a lot, but it really isn’t considering it’s only about 0.7 percent of the estimated sixteen thousand words you speak all day. Here’s what eighty curse words looks like. It’s surprisingly small:


Arse. Asshat. Ass-jabber. Assmuncher. Asswipe. Ballbuster. Bastard. Bitch. Blowjob. Boner. Bullshit. Bumfuck. Bumblefuck. Buttfucker. Camel toe. Carpetmuncher. Clitface. Clusterfuck. Cockburger. Cockjockey. Cocksucker. Cooch. Cooter. Cumguzzler. Dickwad. Dickweed. Dildo. Dingleberry. Dipshit. Dookie. Douchebag. Douche nozzle. Dumbass. Dyke. Fartface. Fat-ass. Felching. Fist-fuck. Flamer. Fuckface. Fuckstick. Fuckwad. Hard-on. Hair pie. Hand job. Jagoff. Jizz. Kiss-ass. Knob-polisher. Lameass. Lardass. Lezzie. Muffdiver. Nutsack. Peckerhead. Pencil-dick. Pissflaps. Polesmoker. Poon. Prick. Pube. Pussy. Queef. Rimjob. Schlong. Shitbag. Shitface. Shithead. Shithole. Shitbreath. Shitstain. Shit-for-brains. Slut. Snatch. Spooge. Titty-fuck. Twat. Twatwaffle. Wanker. Whore.


Okay, so maybe those are the eighty creative curses I might say in a day—sometimes by 10 A.M. Truth is, I actually have a really big vocabulary for someone who says fuck so often. I’m not saying I’m sesquipedalian for sesquipedalian sake, but I happen to agree with Kelly Preston, who once told me, “People think that just because you say fuck, you have a limited vocabulary; well I say fuck that!” Don’t feel bad if your bank of bad words is slightly more basic. I’ve made a career and an art form out of swearing, so my Rolodex is kind of unparalleled. But I assure you that by the time you’re done reading this book, you just might become the most colorful person in your school, workplace, community center, synagogue, PTA, or local YMCA. And by colorful I mean blue, lots of shades of blue. So enjoy the added attention, and don’t forget to laugh when the door hits you in the ass as they throw you out.


You might know me best as the host and producer of VH1’s Big Morning Buzz Live with Carrie Keagan, but for the last ten years I’ve also been the co-creator and lead anchor of the groundbreaking Internet network and YouTube sensation No Good TV (NGTV.com). Before Judd Apatow made “being dirty” mainstream, before Will Ferrell challenged the world to be Funny Or Die, I was doing uncensored, comedy-driven, and raw video interviews with movie stars, rock stars, TV stars and the like. I earned the nickname “the Naughty Critic” after doing more than nine thousand of these things with every A-, B-, C-, and D-lister you can think of: young and old, highbrow, lowbrow, and unibrow. From George Clooney to Cheech & Chong, I’ve cursed with them all!


I’ve gone toe-to-toe with virtually every celebrity in Hollywood and lived to tell the “fucking” tale. And luckily, I’ve been taking notes. Here’s what I found out: Stars—they’re just like us! They have a penchant for profanity and when given the opportunity, as they are in my interviews, will come up with the most outstanding and creative swear words you could ever imagine. They spend most of their time being on their best behavior during countless other interviews they have to do, so when they’re in front of me, and I tell them that anything goes, they happily go for it. And why shouldn’t they? Cursing is the tie that binds: the great equalizer. It makes them more relatable, it makes them more human, and it makes us love ’em even more. That’s right! If you really think about it, I’ve been performing a public service by building a bridge between the fans and their idols, a bridge built with the magic fairy dust of coprolalia, which comes from the Greek kopros, meaning feces and lalia, meaning to talk … do the math!


Take Sandra Bullock. For years we couldn’t get her to sit down for an interview because she was “America’s sweetheart” and NGTV didn’t exactly vibe with her squeaky-clean persona. But in 2009, when she was promoting the romantic comedy The Proposal, her people finally gave us the green light. It was the beginning of a beautiful, filthy friendship that has, on at least one occasion, resulted in me spanking her ass on camera. Our sit-downs feel so good because, free at last, she’s able to be herself, which is, in her own words, a “drunken sailor.” For example, during our interview for The Heat, with co-star Melissa McCarthy, the conversation naturally turned to girl balls:


Me:  Is it fair to say this film is so funny, it will tickle your little girl balls?


Sandra:  Yes, it’ll wet your girl balls, as well.


Melissa:  Yes. Yes.


Me:  That’s our goal: to wet your girl balls. Everyone should be walking around with little wet girl balls.


Sandra:  I totally agree. Mine are wet now.


Melissa:  I’ve said it so many times.


Sandra:  Yes, you have.


Me:  Do they have to be little, though? Because I feel like sometimes I’m walking around with some big sweaty boy balls.


Sandra:  The nice thing about girl balls is that we don’t want them showing sometimes because of the way the outfit works, so you want to be able to just tuck.


Melissa:  She likes a discreet ball.


Sandra:  I like a discreet ball. Powerful, yet something that can be tucked away.


Me:  You were wearing Spanx in this movie, obviously.


Sandra:  My Spanx hold in my girl balls.


Me:  They hide your giant girl balls.


Sandra:  That’s right. You’re the first person to bring that up.


Me:  I’m so glad, and I don’t know how that’s possible.


Sandra:  Well, some people just don’t have the eye … for detail. It requires someone with balls themselves to see.


Me:  YES! (Cupping my fake balls in the air.)


Sandra:  My balls! (Cupping her fake balls in the air.)


These kinds of interviews are my favorite; when the words coming out of someone’s mouth defy any expectations and surprise me into a giggle-fest. I love bringing that out of people. It means that they are truly comfortable with me. To me, the mark of a good interview is when you forget you’re watching an interview because it feels like a normal fucking conversation!


(Of course when you see these interviews online or on TV, they are cut up by the promotional film clips provided by the studios, so you don’t get quite the full flavor I’ve enjoyed in person and that you can read in transcript form here.)


You might be asking: What’s so hard about that? My answer: Have you ever tried to wash a cat? Well I have and it’s pretty fucking hard! And, I have the scars to prove it. Pretty much all celebrity interviews, especially the A-list, take place as part of the well-oiled PR machine that is show business. There is a structure and a format for everything, and all of it takes place in a completely controlled environment behind a towering, burning wall that is impenetrable to all but a select few lucky journalists affectionately referred to as “junketeers.” I think of us as a lovable group of misfits, hustlers, and pop-culture poets. Now, who gets to go behind this wall and how they do it is, if we’re being brutally honest, an entire book unto itself. Think Fifty Shades of Grey meets The Little Engine That Could. So we’ll save that for another time.


Now, once you get past the wall and enter this exclusive media speakeasy, you become keenly aware of the rarified air you’re now breathing, the incredible access to talent you’re getting, and how much you don’t want to fuck this up by doing something stupid. The last thing you’d want to do is cross the gatekeepers of this sacred cabal and risk an expulsion handled with the cold indifference of a greeter at Soho House. Trust me: Nobody knows how to make you feel like shit like the low paid, self-entitled misanthropes suffering from club-bouncer syndrome at Soho House. So my personal mission of reinventing the wheel was about to go face-to-face with the inventors of said wheel. The prognosis was murky at best, and by murky I mean I’m bleeding so heavily in the ocean that I can’t even see the great white shark blowing air bubbles in my face.


You see, for the most part, celebrity interviews are a bit like bananas. They all kind of look the same. They all kind of taste the same. Some are sweet and mushy while some are noxious and rotten but they all come in the same neat, familiar little package. They are easy to consume, easy to dispose of, and leave very little mess. That’s why it’s called the perfect fruit. Show business thrives on the comforts of familiarity, and I don’t blame them. There’s too much money at stake, so there’s no room for apples, oranges, or the occasional wild cucumber. I’ve been doing this for well over ten years, and I’ve seen them all come and go. I still shed the occasional tear over the wild cucumber. But in the end, you must respect the banana!! The banana is life.


What you may or may not know is that most news and entertainment outlets in the world are banana farms, so this is a perfect system. Everybody gets what they want. My company, No Good TV, and I were new to the scene, we were more “colorful” than most, and we needed to differentiate ourselves if we were to have any chance of surviving. So the challenge was how to stand out in this game of One Banana, Two Banana. We found our answer in a riddle: When is a banana not a banana?


The answer: When it’s an apple banana.


So instead of reinventing the wheel, we merely altered the chemistry. My interviews look like a banana, they feel like a banana, they pretty much have the consistency of a banana, but they taste like an apple. And guess what? I discovered that at a typical junket or press event, after a day of being served the same banana, the talent couldn’t wait to taste the crisp and refreshing bite of my apple banana. I had become one with the banana, and everybody wanted a nibble.


“My favorite curse word ever is cocksucker motherfucker! That’s all I’m sayin.’”


—Cameron Diaz


Keep an eye out throughout the book for more of these wonderful Swear Jars featuring even more celebrity cursing favorites as told to me by the celebrities themselves!


I know that a lot of people question what I do and how I do it. I’ve been called vulgar, crass, sophomoric, offensive, dirty, and dumb. And that was just in one article. But, honestly, I don’t give a fuck. Those words can never hurt me. I have made a career out of giving people a fun and safe place to verbally let their hair down. And the audience loves it! My interviews for NGTV have more than TWO BILLION views online. So how does my banana taste now, haters?!


I worked really hard to get those two billion views. How did I do it, you may wonder? It’s about more than my boobs, but thank you for noticing. Some women fucked their way to the top, but I literally “fucked” my way to the top. My journey is no blueprint; it’s just my journey. I didn’t have it all figured out. In fact, I didn’t have any of it figured out. Along the way, my weaknesses became my strengths and my ignorance became my edge. You see, I’m not a trained journalist in the classic sense, or in any sense, and I don’t know all of the “DOs and DON’Ts” they teach you in broadcast journalism school. I didn’t know much about the decorum of an interview and how things were supposed to be done, and I had no fear because I didn’t know any better. All I knew was how to be me. Someone who loves to talk about anything, someone who loves to swear, someone who loves to drink and have a good time. To borrow the immortal words of Andy Samberg from the movie Hot Rod, “My name is Carrie and I like to party!” I figured if I could bring who I naturally was into these interviews, I was going to have a lot of fun, and I just might make it out alive.


For your reading pleasure, I’m about to share my journey from bullied kid in Buffalo to Hollywood’s most fearless host (it was actually kind of an accident). You’re going to get all the juicy, behind-the-scenes stories from my candid interviews, but there are a few more extremely important lessons I’m hoping you’ll take away from this book. I’ll put them in a listicle because that’s what all the kids are doing these days:


1. Cursing is as old as time, and like prostitution, is not going away anytime soon. There are entire books written on the history of cursing, and from what I can tell, words like bloody, bugger, and shit were some of the OG cusses. Fuck is relatively new, gaining popularity in the late 1900s and never looking back.


2. Cursing is FUN. I’ve got a bucketful of words and a laundry list of celebrities saying them to make my case. I mean, when you’ve got Robert Downey Jr. gleefully shouting out, “You son of a cock-loving whore!” or Leonardo DiCaprio bustin’ out “fuckin’ retaahded” in a heavy Boston accent, that’s some seriously good times. And don’t just take my word for it either. After Jennifer Aniston busted out, “Go see the fuckin’ Millers!” with a cute smile on her face to a roomful of laughter, I responded, “It feels good, doesn’t it? It makes us just feel good all under,” and she replied, “It’s tingly!!” with an uncontrollable quiver.


3. Cursing is cathartic. Sometimes the most effective way to communicate a thought is to just let it fly like Kaley Cuoco’s “You can say ‘fuck’?? Been waiting all day!” or Gillian Anderson bustin’ out, “Fuck you, you fuckin’ fuck!”’cause she needed to get it out of her system or director Terry Gilliam, who couldn’t help but exclaim, “Fuckin’ awesome!” when he realized we were uncensored.


4. Cursing makes you a human thesaurus. Pulp Fiction star Samuel L. Jackson believes “motherfucker” is one of the most versatile words in the English language. “It works for so many things,” he told me. “I’m on the golf course; people three fairways away know that if I hit a bad shot, ‘MOTHERFUCKER!’ Or if I hit a great shot it’s, ‘YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER, YEEEAH! That’s my friend … that’s my motherfucker right derr.’ ‘Ay, motherfucker, what’s up?’ That’s cool. And then you can say something that’s really bad. ‘Aw, that was a motherfucker … horrible.’ Or if it’s really cool: ‘OOH! That shit’s a MUTHAFUCKA! Sometimes you have to go ‘muh … thur … fuck … er’ and sometimes you go ‘muh-fuhkah.’ You know it works.”


5. Cursing instigates thoughtful philosophical discussions. Once I interviewed prolific writer Aaron Sorkin about his Oscar-winning script The Social Network. In the movie, Facebook-founder Mark Zuckerberg was called a dick and an asshole. I didn’t want to do the same standard questions Sorkin had heard before, so I, naturally, asked him, “What’s worse? Being a dick or an asshole?” Instead of being disgusted and walking out, he laughed, and we totally engaged in a tit for tat over the merits of the D and A. At the Argo junket, in response to whether you can unfuck a fucked situation with carefully crafted bullshit, Ben Affleck responded, “Yeah, most things in life require carefully crafted bullshit, it turns out. At least in Hollywood. ’Cause that’s what we do. We make bullshit and we ship it to the world.” That’s the beauty of cursing … and democracy.


Cursing isn’t evil. They’re just words, and I’ve always believed that language should never be a barrier. Having said that, you’re still going to run into a few jackasses out there who see being uncensored as an opportunity to showcase their hate and ignorance. But it’s not about the words; it’s about the meaning. It’s not about the use; it’s about the intent. I’ll admit I have interviewed more than my fair share of “geniuses” who throw around f****t or n****r like confetti. It’s very odd to be so ignorant, especially after being so media-trained and living at a time when we’re supposed to be a bit more enlightened. There are two actors that specifically come to mind. One, in particular, is a very well-known white actor who has to be the biggest offender of the N-word, but he appears in like every African-American movie and has adopted a false sense of entitlement to the word. As if, somehow, that makes it okay? WTF! I mean, look how well it worked out for Paula Deen. Another is a moderately famous white TV actor from a former prime-time soap, who shall also remain nameless, who uses the N-word with abandon because, it seems, he’s out to prove that just because you’re famous, it doesn’t mean you’re smart. Without his knowledge, we totally saved his ass and edited around his colorful personality. You’re welcome!


But, again, they’re just fucking words. If you take away all of the outside noise, they mean nothing. They only matter if the people whom they are directed at are offended, and they have a right to be offended if they want to be. Personally, I never use either of those words. On the flip side, I have a lot of gay male friends who call each other f****t affectionately. In fact, my best friend and wardrobe stylist, Quentin Owens, is African American and gay (what a drunk Mel Gibson might call “a double threat”), and he and his friends call each other f****t as a term of endearment. When anyone says he’s black or crosses the line and calls him the N-word, he simply shuts them down by saying, “I prefer to be called colored.” He decided to own all of it. There’s nothing I love more than when people take something that was intended as an insult, reclaim it, and turn it into a powerful statement. Oprah and Jay Z had a big beef about the N-word. Oprah says it shouldn’t exist; Jay Z says they’re taking the word back from the white man, just like how my gay friends are reclaiming f****t and changing the meaning. Fun fact: Did you know that the word “coffin” used to just mean box? But it became so associated with dead people being in them, it ended up only being used in that context. So, if you want to say, “Think outside the coffin” in your next meeting, you wouldn’t be wrong.


Anyway, the message I’m trying to convey here is that it’s all about context and intent. To borrow from the old adage “It’s not the heat; it’s the humidity”: It’s not the words; it’s the stupidity. Remember, curse words are not exclusive nor do they discriminate. Unfortunately, people are, and they do. But we can’t allow the ignorance of the few to ruin the verbal bliss of the many. When we have so many beautifully descriptive and cathartically wondrous words to choose from in our lexicon of rudeness, why wouldn’t we use them all?


Speaking of, we haven’t even talked about the word “cunt” yet, and I’m warning you, it’s all over this book! Relax, I don’t mean literally! I once read this piece about cursing in The New Republic, and it said, “Etymologically, cunt is more feminist than vagina, which is dependent on the penis for its definition, coming from the Latin for ‘sword sheath.’ Rather than being a taboo word, cunt was the general descriptive term for the vagina.” Note to self: Use “sword sheath” in my next sext or phone call with my gyno.


Used in an aggressive way, “cunt” can be scary, but, then again, so can any word. Any word can also be dirty. It can be whatever you want it to be. In fact, ever since Steve Carell wooed Elizabeth Banks with “Hope you have a big trunk, ‘cause I’m putting my bike in it” in the film The 40-Year-Old Virgin, let’s just say sliding your dandy horse into a dickie has never been the same! Case in point, when I interviewed Demi Moore and David Duchovny for The Joneses, not one traditional curse word was uttered, but the interview was filthy and engorged with possibilities:


Me:  So, the whole gist of this film is you have to make very sure that there’s a very strong UNIT. Is that true?


Demi:  (Laughing.) That our UNIT is working!


David:  (Smiling.) Ya coined a phrase.


Me:  Does the size of the UNIT matter?


David:  (Smiling.) Oh boy!


Me:  Mmhmm.


Demi:  You know it’s all in how (Starts laughing.) you use it (Then loses it.) … okay. (Collecting herself.)


David:  (Playing it up and pretending like his unit is being judged.) If you guys wanna talk about shoes, I’ll leave the room … it’s fine.


David:  (After taking a second to make him feel better.) We kind of become, oddly, a real family, you know.


Me:  You become a bigger UNIT?!


David:  (David and Demi start chuckling again.) Yeah, we become a bigger UNIT.


Demi:  That’s the heart of the movie and it’s the dysfunction that … um … (Starts laughing realizing she went right back into the hole.) I think everyone relates to …


Me:  Nobody wants a dysfunctional UNIT, Demi!


Demi:  I don’t want a dysfunctional UNIT!


David:  I am drawing the line here. That’s decadent. (Demi and I start laughing again.) There we have it.


Me:  (Triumphantly.) This is what happens when things go wrong with the UNIT!


As you can plainly see, much like beauty, cursing is in the eye of the beholder.


One thing you should know about me is I curse out of love, not hate. I choose to make curse words fun and funny. It’s not always easy. During a press junket for The Departed, starring Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jack Nicholson, I had to make a conscious decision about how to make something funny instead of just raunchy. The movie was a serious Oscar contender for Best Picture, so everyone was taking it all very seriously. There was a scene where Jack Nicholson’s character pulls out a big black dildo in a theater, and there was no way I wasn’t going to ask about it! It was a big question in my head: Do I specifically say in the interview, “Jack pulls out his cock,” or do I refer to it in some other way? “Cock” could come off a little extreme in this sensitive scenario. In the end, I asked Matt Damon about “Jack’s junk.” The alliteration made it cute instead of crude. He got so excited to talk about “Jack’s junk” that it ended in him doing an impersonation of Jack in that “Jack voice” saying, the scene could use a big black cock! It ended up becoming this beautifully blue moment. A toast to Jack’s junk and … a little creative cursing!


Cursing is all about being inventive. With all the interviews I’m doing, I’m always learning new ones. When I hear something I’ve never heard before, it’s a wonderful moment of discovery. Like I recently learned fartleberry and shitweasel and had to share them immediately on Twitter. Being a mentor is very important to me. I welcome you all to follow me and learn the way of the filth.


With that in mind, if you’re a beginner itching to dip your toe into the desert hot spring spa of swearing but are struggling to get comfortable bringing the words to your lips, have no fear for I am here. Start off by learning some harmless words that sound incredibly vulgar. Words so innocuous you can easily incorporate them into your everyday conversations with your boss, your parents, your kids, and even your pastor. Words like bumbailiff, bumboat, bumfiddler, clatterfart, cockapert, cockchafer, cockbell, dik-dik, dreamhole, fanny-blower, fartlek, fuksheet, fuksail, fukmast, invagination, jaculate, jerkinhead, kumbang, kumpit, lobcocked, nestle-cock, nodgecock, pershittie, pissasphalt, sack-butt, sexagesm, sexangle, sexfoiled, shittah, skiddy-cock, tetheradick, tit-bore, tit-tyrant. Daily use of these words will help you perfect your new verbal toolbox in a guilt-free environment. Think of them as training wheels for your brand-new verbo-cycle! And, in no time at all, you’ll graduate from tying a fuksheet to the fukmast to becoming a master of “fucking shit up!” Trust me when I tell you that a dip in the Jacuzzi of juvenile jargon is good for the spirit.


My love of cursing has led me on a quest to find the most original and hilarious swear words. Believe it or not, sometimes I’ll sit in my office and write a bunch of swears down to see if anything catches my eye. I know, I know, I need a hobby or a boyfriend. I’d prefer a boyfriend who is a hobby but that’s a different book, too.


I like making up new swear words and you can, too. Not feeling that inspired? You’re not alone. Facebook actually did a study of their users and found that simple ol’ shit is the most popular swear word used on their site. Here are some other fascinating stats from their research:


• In a three-day period, shit appeared 10.5 million times, fuck 9.5 million, and bitch 4.5 million. Douche only got forty-five thousand mentions (and they were probably all about Justin Bieber but that has not been officially tabulated).


Pussy and dick are more common with guys; cock is more popular with the ladies.


Fuck is more popular in the West, the only region where it outranks shit.


Dick and pussy rank highest in the Northeast.


Cock and pussy are more popular in the South.


Asshole is the word of choice in the Midwest.


• The older you are, the more likely you are to use darn, crap, and shoot.


We can do better than this. And to help you, I’ve developed …


THE SWEAR GENERATOR!!!!!!!!


(FYI, when you read that, you should hear a very deep voice that echoes.)


THE SWEAR GENERATOR!!!!!! (You definitely heard the voice that time.)


That’s right, just like the Web site that will generate your Wu-Tang name, I invented something that works 99 percent of the time. I figure anything that works at a higher percentage than condoms is okay to unleash on the public. It’s really simple and fun for the whole family. Well, it’s fun for my whole family. I can’t assume everyone is as twisted as we are.


The generator works like this …


Pick two curse words, a verb, and an adjective. Then arrange them like you see below.


Swear, verb (with “ing” at the end), adjective, swear.


Here are a few examples:


Fuck and cunt (two swears), jump (verb), and blue (adjective).


Fuck-jumping-blue-cunt.


That is a pretty good one for our first try! I actually horse laughed by myself at my desk. Let’s try one more.


Ass and motherfucker, punt and sweaty turns into …


Ass-punting-sweaty-motherfucker.


An ass-punting, sweaty motherfucker is definitely not someone I want to have lunch with, but it is now in my top ten swears of all time.


This is a good time to bring up the one rule that you should remember when plugging a curse word into the generator. Any time you use swears like motherfucker/cocksucker/assmuncher they should come at the end, never at the beginning. Look at me giving lessons in swearing. In the past three months, I’ve called everyone I know and told them to pick two swears, a verb, and an adjective, and when they spit out their own personal swear, they are way happier than they probably should be. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Like herpes, only way better.


Have fun with the Swear Generator and reading Everybody Curses, I Swear! If you see me on the street, definitely come up and teach me a new one!


—CK


 


Copyright © 2016 by Carrie Keagan