The Second Family

"New, fresh ideas by a therapist who really understands teens."—Mary Pipher, Ph.D., author of Reviving Ophelia

"Ron Taffel really 'gets it' . . . The Second Family offers parents insight, reassurance, and excellent suggestions for staying connected to their growing children."—Michael Thompson, PhD., author of Raising Cain and Speaking of Boys

"[Taffel] helps parents understand that teens are seeking comfort and acceptance in the second family, which, he contends, isn't a completely malevolent force . . . a valuable resource for parents."—Booklist

"Twenty-five years as a counselor did not prepare Taffel to deal with this country's latest generation of teenagers. In this eye-opening work, he tracks adolescents' defection from the 'first family' (Mom, Dad, and siblings) for the 'second family' (the peer group and pop culture). This is not, he argues, an angry or rebellious culture but a comfort-seeking one, be it with sex, drugs, recreation, body sculpture, and consumer items. Taffel is at his best explaining why today's teens are so disdainful and disconnected from their families. Using a blend of compassion and consequences, parents need to listen to their teens, to try to understand their wants, and to balance those wants with responsible family behavior. Though open and accepting in tone, Taffel does not endorse rude, amoral, or vulgar behavior. He recognizes where teens have gone wrong but also acknowledges their progress: fewer trends separating the sexes, an openness unheard of 20 years ago, and a real sense of altruism. This is a probing look into the often misunderstood phenomenon of teen culture, coupled with good answers for uninvolved, oh-let-them-have-what-they-want parents."—Kirkus Reviews

"In the wake of the massacre at Columbine High School, child and family therapist Taffel and writer Blau contend that parental anxiety about teen violence is misplaced, when the real danger is that 'children are somehow slipping away.' Packed with gripping stories drawn from kids he's helped in his private practice and from more than 200 interviews, Taffel's book explains why it is imperative that parents extend 'the empathic envelope,' or balance empathy and expectations, to reach their kids. The culprit, as Taffel sees it, is not peer pressure per se, but the enticements of what he terms 'the second family,' or the combined effects of pop culture and peers. For kids on today's so-called Planet Youth, belonging means not imposing one's values, and fun and comfort are paramount. Despite the pervasiveness of teen lying, the allure of sex with many partners and the easy availability of drugs and alcohol starting in the sixth and seventh grades, Taffel holds out hope to struggling parents that it is possible to rein in out-of-control teens. He encourages parents to 'listen without judging,' and to regard phone time, e-mail and privacy as privileges that can be withdrawn as punishments. In today's fast-paced world, he believes parents shouldn't wait for big red flag issues, like lower grades, before they get to the heart of what's going on with their kids. Taffel's suggestion that parents carve out comfort time, as opposed to quality time, may seem like old-fashioned advice, but his frank quotations of real, R-rated teenage talk prove that he's in tune with the pulse of contemporary, urban teenage culture."—Publishers Weekly