1
Monday Lunch
I am sitting in the cafeteria at school on a Monday, minding my business.
And I’ve got a lot of business to mind.
“Hey, girl.” Sophie Nelson, vice president of the seventh-grade student council, slides into the newly empty seat next to mine and puts her hand on my arm, as though we’re friends. “I have a favor to ask…”
Taye, our class’s designated Hot Guy, has been standing in front of my table. When Sophie sits down, he crosses his arms over his chest and glowers at her. “Uh, Sophie?” he says. “I was waiting…”
“Hurry up,” urges Jasmine, band geek, standing behind Taye. “There’s other people waiting, too.”
Business is always brisk on Mondays. Fridays, too—there’s the rush before the weekend, then there’s the rush afterward. Midweek, I’m eating lunch alone, or with Harry Homework, who’s on the same schedule as me: super-popular on Mondays and Fridays, yeah-whatever the rest of the time. Looking to my left, I see Harry’s line is as long as mine. Why can’t anybody need a favor on a Tuesday?
We’ve got to move this crowd along, or Ms. Schellestede’s going to notice. Out of the three people in front of me, I like Jasmine the best, and I want Sophie to like me the most.
But Taye has the next spot in line, and I’m curious what he has to say.
“What do you need?” I ask him.
Sophie and Jasmine roll their eyes and move a few feet away, as Taye sits down in the spot Sophie just left. He puts his backpack on the table in front of us and scoots closer to me so we’re (mostly) blocked from view.
“Hurry,” Jasmine insists. “We only have ten minutes left.”
Ten minutes left for lunch, and I haven’t eaten half of the hummus sandwich I made this morning. I pick it up and take a huge bite, alfalfa sprouts falling like shriveled four-leaf clovers in my lap.
Taye drops his voice to a murmur. “I need you to slip this box of chocolates into someone’s bag.”
Ooh! Taye has a crush. From the front pocket of his backpack, he removes a small square box. There’re maybe four chocolates in there, but they’re the really good kind, you can tell from the box. It’s glossy bronze with a purple ribbon and surprisingly hefty in my hand as we make the transfer. I wouldn’t mind if somebody gave me a box of chocolates like that, and I allow myself a brief fantasy where I’m Taye’s crush before I snap back to reality and stash the box in my bag.
My first question: “Who?”
Taye cups his hand over his mouth and whispers a name. I’m surprised, but I don’t show it. I keep my face and voice neutral as I ask the rest of the basic questions: What does the bag look like? When does Taye want it done? Where does the Target go after lunch?
I don’t ask him How. The How is up to me. And the one question I never ask a client is Why.
Taye fills me in and I confirm the details, but he still looks nervous. “You won’t tell anybody, right? I don’t want them to know it’s from me.”
“No way.” I take my position very seriously. For me, being a problem-fixer is like being a priest, or a therapist—anything you tell me is confidential. I remind Taye of my pledge: “I know nothing, I remember nothing, and I delete everything.”
Taye’s face relaxes and he grabs his pack and rises to leave. “You’re the best,” he says, shooting me with finger guns as he departs. “I owe you one.”
I wave Jasmine over, and she takes the seat Taye vacated. She’s practically chewing through her lower lip with anxiety.
“I need an excuse,” she says quickly. “Like, right away.”
Jasmine explains that she skipped band practice last week. Which is weird, because Jasmine loves playing the drums. Every teacher in our grade has a drawerful of drumsticks, chopsticks, pens, paintbrushes, and rulers they’ve confiscated to stop Jasmine from drumming in class. I wonder why she would purposely skip band. But I don’t need to know her reasons for skipping band. I just have to solve her problem.
I quickly review the classic excuse options:
1. Illness/personal injury
2. Family tragedy
3. Transportation woes
4. Other appointment
Options one through three have been used on teachers since school was invented, so we’ll go with the rarest and the finest: other appointment. But not a dentist or doctor’s appointment—Jasmine doesn’t have a note.
Jasmine’s leg jiggles and Sophie makes little frustrated grunting noises from her spot a few feet away. I know they want me to hurry, but I can’t just pull something out of thin air. That’s not how I work.
Here’s how I work: I concentrate on our music/band teacher, Mr. Gerber. Gerber used to play bass guitar in a real rock band, before he had kids, and he still wears one earring and a leather jacket. He tries to be the “cool teacher,” saying things like, It’s lit up in here, or Hashtag goals, while everyone sits there quietly burning to a crisp with the embarrassment he’s too clueless to feel. What Gerber wants more than anything is for kids to think of him as a friend.
Aha.
“Okay,” I begin, as Jasmine looks at me eagerly. “You were auditioning for a garage band some high school kids are starting. But your mom’s against you joining the band, so you didn’t tell her about the audition, so she didn’t write you a note. And Gerber can’t call your mom to check your excuse or he’ll get you in trouble and ruin your chance to be in the band.”
Jasmine’s jaw drops so far, the rubber bands around her braces nearly fly off and ricochet around the room. “That’s … that’s perfect,” she says gratefully. “You’re incredible. Thanks, G. I owe you one.”
“No problem,” I say, and I actually mean it. I enjoy doing things for people I like, and I glow with the satisfaction of a job well done. Jasmine jumps up from her chair and dashes off to deliver this freshly baked excuse to Mr. Gerber.
Immediately, Sophie takes over the seat. I bite into my sandwich and motion for her to begin.
“So this favor…,” says Sophie. “It’s not really a favor for me? It’s more for a friend.”
Asking for a friend. LOL. As much as I would like to believe that one of Perfect Sophie Nelson’s snobby friends needs my help, I know better. Of course the “friend” Sophie is talking about is herself, but I’m not going to force her to admit that.
Sophie continues, “So … my friend, she borrowed something, and she has to give it back.”
Uh-oh. This is the second time Sophie’s come to me because one of her “friends” needed to replace or return something. Not coincidentally, this is the second time Sophie has talked to me.
Last month was the first time. Liz Kotlinski’s silk scarf went missing, and Liz was threatening to personally search every single student’s locker and bag until she found it. Sophie had grabbed me in a panic between classes—“Hey, I need your help”—then thrust a paper bag containing the scarf at me. Apparently, one of Sophie’s “friends” had taken the scarf “by mistake,” but neither Sophie nor her “friend” wanted to be the one to return it to Liz, because “it might look weird.”
I call these jobs “reverse retrievals.”
I nod in understanding and motion for Sophie to hurry up and get on with it. Kids around us have started packing up and throwing away their trash; we don’t have time for her stalling. “What can I do for your friend?”
Sophie cringes like she’d rather not say. I notice her flawlessly manicured nails digging into the palms of her hands. She leans in and whispers in my ear.
I have a hard time keeping a straight face when I hear her request. Sophie’s not making a life-or-death request, but what she’s asking is nearly impossible.
Sophie needs a big, big favor.
Copyright © 2019 Janice Erlbaum
