[SCENE I]“All the Old Familiar Places”
Summer 2020
An open-plan apartment off Pico and Robertson Boulevards in Los Angeles, in what is known in architectural vernacular as the “dingbat style.” The neighborhood is a polyglot middle-class mix of immigrants and races. Realtors optimistically list flats here as “Beverly Hills adjacent.” Old Jewish and Persian residents, Somali restaurants, low, horizontal buildings, young people sharing apartments, and the retired on fixed incomes.
ALLIE MURCHOW, of the last category, is putting on makeup in front of a vanity mirror. The hair is blond. “I’ll Be Seeing You” plays very softly from a telephone’s speakerphone, an instrumental “hold music” version, soporific and anodyne.
Someone knocks on the front door …
WOMAN’S VOICE
(Middle Eastern accent)
Allie, darling? Are you there? Allie— It’s Dorsa! Please, if you are there? I’m going to try and make it to the market. You want some lamb shanks or some bananas? Or they may have that super-soft toilet paper?
ALLIE
I’m fine, Dorsa. Thanks, honey. I’m good.
DORSA
… Well—you can text me if you change your mind. I think they have organic lamb shanks—good for the skin?
ALLIE
I’m okay for organic lamb shanks and that super-soft toilet paper, sweetie. Also good for the skin …
DORSA
Okay … wish me luck.
ALLIE
(calm, to herself, as she works on her eyes)
Good luck. The eyes are the hardest part, always. And. Huh. Smoky eyes? Please. Now? That’s in again? But I was doing it when we worked at Robinson’s department store at the Beverly Hilton in the salon; I did it back in ’73. And that was—I mean, I did Goldie Hawn, I did Dyan Cannon. Remember? Eydie Gorme and—what’s her name? From that show—Bewitched—Elizabeth Montgomery! Smoky eye. Hah. Please, everything from my time. It’s all in again, like they just discovered it.
MR. STILL (ON SPEAKER PHONE)
Your call is very important to us here at Nick Stein Pharmacy. Please stay on the line for a pharmacy specialist.
ALLIE
(laughing)
I’ve been on the line for half an hour. Jesus, what’s a girl gotta do to get a refill and some Yves Saint Laurent Touche Éclat All-Over Brightening Concealer Pens?
MR. STILL (ON SPEAKER)
Remember, in this time of COVID-19 we are taking extra precautions, so please be prepared by wearing a mask if coming in.
ALLIE
Oh, I’m “prepared.” I have two masks, and these gloves, and these wipes with one hundred percent alcohol—
MR. STILL (ON SPEAKER)
(over her, cuts her off)
In addition to our pharmacy, we carry a full range of beauty and apothecary products.
ALLIE
Ohhhhh, those English Altoid mints and blackberry throat pastilles. I hope they are on sale …
MR. STILL (ON SPEAKER)
All of our specialists are helping other customers. Because of COVID-19, we are busier than usual and hold times may be longer. Please be patient.
ALLIE
I am soooo patient. See! The lash line, the crease where the lid folds into the shape of the eye.
That’s where you blend with care and patience. But you must vhave the right concealer because dark shadows will ruin the look, and boy, do you have dark shadows.
ALLIE sings along to hold music.
ALLIE
“… In everything that’s light and gay
I’ll always think of you that way…”
OUTSIDE, sound of SIRENS.
ALLIE
(distracted, irritated)
What’s the rest of it? What is the goddamn rest of it?
MR. STILL (ON SPEAKER)
Our staff is busy because of increased call volume due to the COVID-19 epidemic, so please press pound and wait for the beep, and leave a detailed message for the pharmacy. Someone will call you back. Due to the recent spike in COVID cases, we are not doing delivery right now. Thank you.
LOUD BEEP. ALLIE hits pound.
ALLIE
(formal and regal)
Hello, this is Allie Murchow. I should be in the system. I am trying to get ahold of three sticks of the YSL Touche Éclat Brightening Pen, and nobody has it. Nobody has them, I mean. I tried, listen, I tried. In Luminous Praline. Or Luminous Sand. I also am trying to get a refill of my Respericore. Two milligrams. Ninety pills. ————And …
(beat)
(I have the special coupons from the manufacturer for not tolerating the generic. So it can’t be full price; it should be in the records. The generic does not agree with me. In fact, I started to have severe side effects from the generic. A rash. And then other things—happen. It has to be the actual Respericore Plus. Not the generic.)
(beat)
My doctor, Hy Wexler, sent them a letter, and it explained that I was allergic to— You know some of these generic companies, they change the formula? They change it. Hah.
And it can throw you completely out of whack. I was in Du-par’s at the Farmer’s Market because they have double-dip French toast, and I was being stood up by Cody Garson, who was at the goddamn Du-par’s in the Valley, if you can imagine. Cody, who was in the 20th Century Fox Stars of Tomorrow talent program with me in 1969. He went on to Vegas to choreograph at The Sands. But I exploded on the phone when he called my Du-par’s. “Tell me, Cody. Why were you so adamant about you and I being in Planet of the Apes together? Of course, because no one could see our faces. And then you go to the wrong Du-par’s!? Who do you think you’re kidding?”
JAPHY MURCHOW enters in pajama bottoms, barefoot. He goes into the kitchen and takes out a water bottle, some snacks.
JAPHY
You leavin’ one of your looooooong Cody messages? To whom, this time? We’ve talked about this, kiddo.
ALLIE
(shushes him)
Japhy, you know the whole ugly episode, so knock it off!
(to phone)
As I was saying, Cody went to the Du-par’s in Studio City, and when he called my Du-par’s— Well, there was a rather big scene. A meltdown of sorts. I ended up hospitalized at Cedars-Sinai. It was all because of Cody. And those generic medications. Set me off. So please have someone call me back because I have run out of my good medications.
JAPHY
(an energized idea)
Sis, I’m in the mood for those cold sesame noodles. How about it?
ALLIE
(gestures—shut up)
And now you don’t deliver! Because of the—the disturbances?? And I am just south of Pico and Robertson, which is very close. I don’t want to go out right now. With this terrible virus.
JAPHY sits near her with his snacks and water.
JAPHY
… And the unrest—
ALLIE
And the unrest. The problems. The breaking windows. The— I don’t, of course, blame any of the people doing it. But. There was a shiva for Lenore Katz from book club. Now there can’t be a real shiva. They tried it on the Zoom, but it—it just—fizzled. I saw the protestors outside. I saw them. No masks. And—and—look. Let’s face it. To this neighborhood? My neighborhood! We didn’t do anything— We—
A LOUD BEEP.
MR. STILL (ON SPEAKER)
If you are satisfied with your message, please press pound to deliver. If you would like to rerecord it, please press one and then pound and wait for the beep.
JAPHY
(patiently)
Come on, Allie. Rerecord. And get to the point! Meds!
She presses 1 and pound. BEEP.
ALLIE
(exercising control)
Hello, this is Allie Murchow. I should be in the system. I am trying to get ahold of three sticks of the YSL Touche Éclat Brightening Pens and nobody has it. Nobody has them, I mean. I tried … listen, I tried. In Luminous Praline. Or Luminous Sand. And a refill of my prescription.
(trying to remember)
Respiriloc Plus. Two milligrams times 90 or 180 or—I have a special coupon.
More SIRENS. ALLIE frozen.
JAPHY
Jesus, Allie? Wow. Ooph. What a moron. Get it straight. Is it Respiriloc or Respiricore Plus?
ALLIE
You know, you’re my pharmacy. I’m Allie Murchow. My family has been using this pharmacy for … I mean, Nick used to joke around with me, my only pharmacist since I’m fourteen—and my late parents and my brother …
JAPHY
Preach, Reverend Allie!!
ALLIE
I’m—it’s really not right not to pick up. The YSL Touche Éclat is a concealer and a foundation. It is vital—
JAPHY
Totally vital!
ALLIE
You need it for smoky eyes, which I practically invented when I did Dyan Cannon at Robinson’s department store at the Beverly Hilton around the time of the movie Shampoo, which I was background in because Dyan was friends with Hal Ashby …
JAPHY
(egging her on)
And you told Mom and Dad …
ALLIE
Yes, I told my parents, and they were so proud that I was an actor, even though it was background, which you can see one hour six minutes or so into the movie, when Warren is cutting someone’s hair. Not really, though. And I got Cody in it too. He’s one of the waiters at the benefit at the Bistro.
JAPHY
(compassionate)
Then Cody went off to Vegas! To help choreograph … Shirley MacLaine’s show with all the cute chorus boys …
ALLIE
And girls. I mean, yeah, after the whole Du-par’s incident, which he caused by going to the wrong Du-par’s. Who goes to the Du-par’s in the Valley? I realized I needed to move on even if it meant breaking Cody’s heart.
JAPHY
Tell him about the El Cholo dinner.
ALLIE
My dad worked at MGM in the cutting room. A cutter. He ran the whole damn thing. And my mom—she was in the costume shop at Paramount—and my dad, that night, after I shot, after I shot out of Shampoo, and my mom, we danced!!! They took us for Mexican at the old El Cholo, and we sang, and the three of us danced because they had this Mexican trio and they did “I’ll Be Seein’ Ya” in Spanish at our table! It was a glorious evening of celebration—
JAPHY
At the end of which, dear ole Dad says, “Allie, don’t get your hopes up too high. You’ll always be a cutter. Just like me. Behind the scenes, but … never in them.” Did I get that right, sis?
(sings in Spanish)
“Te estaré viendo
en todos los viejos lugares conocidos,
que este corazón mío abraza
durante todo el día.”
ALLIE hums song. There is a BEEP.
MR. STILL (ON SPEAKER)
If you are satisfied with your message, please press pound to deliver. If you would like to rerecord, please press one and pound and wait for the beep.
JAPHY
I think you need some sleep, sis. I mean a good sleep. What pill will make you sleep? Or better yet, what pill will wake you the fuck up? This could be your moment. It’s all coming together. Lots of decisions to make!!
She presses 1 and #. BEEP.
ALLIE
Hello, this is Allie Murchow. I should be in the system. I am trying to get ahold of three sticks of the YSL Touche Éclat Brightening Pen. And. I need … I need … please call me back … Okay? I need a refill of … of … I’m just going to listen to your music for a while alone.
JAPHY exits. ALLIE peers out the window. Sirens. The red light of the police flashers floods the apartment. ALLIE is frozen.
Copyright © 2023 by Jon Robin Baitz
