CHAPTER ONE
Happily Single Comes Before Ever After
"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be."
-ELLEN BURSTYN
How Did We Get Here?
It was May 2012. One of those gorgeous Manhattan nights. Not too hot, not too cold. I was on the rooftop deck of the Gansevoort Hotel, attending a party for my network. You could see the city from every angle. As the sun began to go down it created a beautiful scene, a serene oasis in the hurricane of turmoil my life had become. Details of my divorce had just been splashed in the tabloids. I was not looking forward to facing the inevitable knowing glances, murmurs of sympathy, and, especially, nosy questions from my peers and concern from office friends, so I was hesitant about attending the event at all. Even so, I went. I had decided early on after my separation, I was going to try to say yes to everything.
I walked around the party with a chip on my shoulder. "I've got this," I kept telling myself. The articles had come and gone, and I was still standing, albeit on shaky legs. I was a newswoman and my divorce was yesterday's news. Onward and upward. I pumped my brain full of every generic bit of positivity I could muster, and shut away the sadness I was feeling. Then I looked up to see a former professional acquaintance standing in front of me looking like a slightly intoxicated grizzly bear.
We had known each other for a few years, though I was not particularly fond of him-nor he of me. In this environment, he was the last person I wanted to run into. I gave him that half smile that you give to someone whom you aren't in the mood to smile at, and said, "Hi." He didn't say a word. At six feet three-a tower of a man who, even at his most sober, stank of scotch and so often oozed the machismo of someone who had something to prove-he opened up his arms without a word and put them around me, crushing me to his chest. All he said was, "It won't be like this 365 days from now. Remember that." Out of all the sympathetic smiles and multiple murmurs of "I'm so sorry," his words were the ones that touched me the most. I remember them whenever I am trying to get beyond a new obstacle or a problem or another hurdle. "It won't be like this 365 days from now." While I still am not fond of this man, I remain forever grateful to him for his advice.
Trust Yourself First
It is important to know whom you can trust, but it's also important that you don't seek the advice from people who have competing interests, personal agendas, or on the other hand, are too kind to offer any criticism at all. My friends and family were way too nice. In fact, most of the people closest to me wanted to make me feel better, so they held their tongues when they should have just screamed at me about what they were seeing me do to myself. I found that it was important for me to have more than one sounding board as I was moving into my New Single status. My brother often kids around that I like to take polls to find out what to do when I have a dilemma in my life. Even as my marriage was coming to an end, I was constantly asking my closest circle of family and friends: "What should I do?" "Can I make this work?" "Will I be successful on my own?" "Was it my fault?"
I was lucky enough to have people who knew me very well and knew that I had a pattern of asking questions that only I could answer. I suggest as you move on and get past your breakup and evolve into a New Single that you look internally to answer these questions. Have people you can trust around you, but trust yourself first and foremost. Only you can get yourself to the next place that you are destined to be.
You Are Not Your Relationship Status
This sounds easy enough, but even in this amazingly advanced age we live in, the word "divorce" still makes people cringe. It's the way my grandparents used to refer to cancer-the c word. It's still the d word in so many circles, especially with the other c word-couples. A lot of people who are part of a couple don't love to hear about divorce. You can't blame them. I still don't love to hear about it, but this is about you and making sure your ddoesn't define you.
The first time a friend of mine had to answer the relationship question on a form in the doctor's office, she froze. She had gone through her breakup and was telling me what to expect. "I couldn't bring myself to check the 'divorced' box," she recalls. "I wasn't the person I thought I was. I ran into the ladies' room and had a good cry." It's been years since Laura was in that doctor's office, and she's now part of a stable, happy couple, which helps her remember those early days of divorce with great fondness-that they are now behind her.
Remember this. You are not a classification. Single. Divorced. Widowed. You are not a statistic. You are someone who is about to embark on a whole new dynamic of your life and a whole new relationship with yourself. If you are not there yet, it's okay, but know that you will be. I remember the day my husband moved out of our apartment. Every single item in our once-shared space reminded me of an experience, a moment, a time that we were happy. In that moment I could not imagine being an "I" instead of a "we."
I had to take it one hour at a time and then one day at a time. In fact, to be quite honest, I refused to believe our separation and divorce were happening for a long time, not because we were so happy together, but because I was so afraid to be single again. It was important for me to realize that where I was two years ago was not where I was going to be today.
A-TEAM FEATURE: Regaining Your Confidence
My friend, Dr. Diana Kirschner, is a psychologist, a PBS love expert, and a best-selling author. She's helped thousands of singles and couples find the relationship of their dreams. Dr. Diana is the author of Find Your Soulmate Online in Six Simple Steps; 30 Days to Love: The Ultimate Relationship Turnaround Guide; Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love, and the best-selling dating book Love in 90 Days, which is the basis for her one-woman PBS TV show, Finding Your Own True Love.
DEFINE YOUR CONCEPT OF CONFIDENCE.
Having a sense of self-worth, deservedness, and self-love so that you feel connected to others and attractive, lovable, loving, and successful as a person and as a woman.
WHAT ARE WAYS THAT LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE MANIFESTS ITSELF IN NEWLY DIVORCED/NEWLY SINGLE WOMEN?
Mourning for the relationship or longing for your ex.
Feelings of depression.
Loss of appetite.
Difficulties in concentrating.
Insomnia.
Aches and pains (physical and emotional).
Crying jags.
Loss of interest in usual activities.
Isolation from others (a BIG problem!).
Almost always negative self-talk about many or all of the following:
Being too old, over the hill, too fat, unlovable, damaged goods, or unattractive
Feeling bitter or untrusting of yourself.
Self-pity, a feeling of victimhood.
Judgments and resentments about all men being jerks.
Loss of faith in people, in yourself, or in love.
These kinds of reactions are perfectly normal and not to be resisted or judged. It's all right to feel this way. But if you stay in these reactions you will hurt yourself by continuing a cycle of loneliness, low self-confidence, and low self-esteem. Women who hadn't gotten over a relationship by sixteen weeks after the breakup had decreased activity in brain regions associated with emotion, motivation, and attention. This is a physical change in the brain. That's why it is so hard to concentrate on anything-so hard to get up and go. Do not let yourself go this length of time without intervention (see below).
HOW DO YOU REBUILD CONFIDENCE?
SHARING Talking about your negative feelings has been shown to lessen the activity in the pain-feeling part of the brain, and being with close friends causes the brain to release natural opioids, which are like the painkillers found in opium. A trusted friend can also boost your self-confidence. The same holds true for talking to a good therapist or relationship coach. If you need a coach who is an expert at helping women recover from a breakup you can find one at www.lovein90days.com/dating-coach/.
MEDITATION/RELAXATION Johns Hopkins researchers recommend practicing relaxation techniques to get rid of heartache. These include meditation, deep breathing, or journaling out your feelings. This process will speed the return of your self-confidence.
SLEEP is very important in helping to elevate mood. When you're depressed, however, sleep may be hard to come by. This is another reason to consider starting a regular relaxation or meditation program-these have been shown to help people sleep better. You can also try a warm bath with lavender oil and/or cutting off stimulating activities like checking e-mail, watching TV, or surfing the Web a few hours before bedtime.
EXERCISE releases opioids, those all-natural painkillers. Hitting the gym regularly can help you feel good about yourself. To start, just try ten minutes of walking, stretching, or any kind of physical exercise and see what happens. Those ten minutes can carry you forward in every way!
IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR EX People who have imaginary conversations with their partners, which help them to say good-bye, have more relief from grief than those who don't. You can write a letter you don't send or have a conversation with a pillow in a chair that represents your ex. You may want to do this in a session with your therapist or coach.
HOW CAN WE BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE?
Here is my 180-Degree-Turn Exercise for Building Self Confidence, excerpted from my new book, The Diamond Self Secret: Say Goodbye to Your Inner Critic and Hello to Self-Acceptance, Serenity, and Lasting Love. It really works if you work it!
Read each section and then close your eyes, taking your time to do each step of the exercise.
1. Remember a time when you felt good about yourself-alive, real, attractive, connected, LOVING, and LOVABLE. You can go all the way back to some innocent time in your early childhood if you need to. Just find the most self-loving experience you ever had. Put yourself in the picture so that you are looking through your own eyes. Feel that completely.
2. Imagine yourself better, even better. Imagine yourself five times better.
3. Now take that image and bring it closer to you. Make it brighter, clearer. Give it a great sound track, magnify all those good feelings-make them stronger. This is what I call your self-loving Diamond Self (DS). Give this self a grand or playful nickname that includes your real name-like Beloved Susan, Lovable Little Tami, Annie Adorable.Have fun and give yourself permission to be outrageous with this! Say your self-loving DS name to yourself.
4. Shrink the image of your self-loving DS and make it as small as a real diamond. Then put that image aside.
5. Get an image of yourself at a time when you felt self-doubting, self-critical, anxious, undeserving, invisible, rejected, abandoned, or unlovable. When you were overrun with negative self-talk. This is your Disappointing Self.
6. Take your Diamond Self, make it the size of a hand grenade, and imagine throwing it right into the center of your Disappointing Self, watching it explode, and completely destroy the Disappointing Self.
7. Now, instant replay. Imagine your Disappointing Self, throw the Diamond Self grenade into the center, and blow the Disappointing Self up again.
8. Speed the whole thing up and do it several more times.
Do this powerful exercise until you cannot get a clear image of the Disappointing Self. You will be shocked at how it frees you from your suffering! Do a quick version of this process whenever you need to feel better or be more comfortable and at ease with yourself (the MOST IMPORTANT person) or get ready for a date or anything else that feels challenging. The bottom line is, no matter how bad you are feeling now you can recover from heartbreak, rebuild your confidence, and come back better than ever!
EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING CONFIDENT AND BEING EGOTISTICAL AND SELF-CENTERED
When can we recognize we are indulging our egos instead of being confident and "outer directed" (when we are sad we may have a tendency to wallow, which is self-indulgent and not healthy).
Get Personal With Yourself
Chapter Four is devoted entirely to self-care, a critical element of surviving your divorce. At first I was not sure how personal I wanted to get in this area; as it turns out, it's important to get pretty personal. So bear with me. This is the time you are building a foundation. Whether you are relieved to be single again or you are devastated by the idea of being alone, this is not a time you can afford to let stress get the best of your health.
Yes, you will have sleepless nights. Yes, the sight of food may disgust you. Yes, you will skip your shower some days (I will admit to this one-only to you). There will be days when all you want to do is just stay in bed. Even the toughest of women out there, who wanted the divorce and were anxious to put the marriage behind them, feel this kind of stress from time to time.
WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS TO CONSIDER
Not only are you dealing with your own well-being, but your childrens' as well. You cannot take care of your children by neglecting yourself. You are no good to them if you are not whole yourself. This is a time that many children inadvertently learn to take care of themselves. They often grow responsible faster and learn that they, too, are individuals. So, be the best you can for yourself and for them, but try not to sacrifice either in the process. With those goals in mind, it leaves less time to mourn the loss of your breakup or divorce and gives you a clear purpose to forge ahead and make a new life for yourself.
Accept Your Life Is Different Now
As time went by, I realized that I was part of a community of single women who were successful in their careers and able to meet any challenge work threw at them, but they were perplexed about the next steps in their new personal lives. We all wondered about how to start dating again, how we would get beyond the breakup, and, most of all, how to gracefully and healthily move into this new phase of our lives. A woman I met through a networking group, Gina, who is the owner of a trendy Brooklyn clothing shop, put it: "I look like I'm ready to get back in the game, but I can't remember the rules." By this Gina meant not just dating, but participating in the little everyday rituals at work and out and about: water cooler chat about what happened last night, remembering to buy three ounces of ground beef instead of six-the little things.
I faced this dilemma by compartmentalizing my life so that my personal problems did not bleed over into my career. I was very careful talking with people about my divorce, including who was at fault, what my ex was doing now, or what I was doing. It's easy to get sucked into those conversations, and I caution against doing so. Don't talk about your ex at work. It is unprofessional and can snowball into unpleasant and harmful gossip. In fact, I could count on one hand the number of people I spoke to at work about my personal life.
At the water cooler I made it a point to keep the conversation about those around me, and not myself. I just didn't want to be in a position of wallowing in my own misery, or feeding off the pity of others. This was essential for peace of mind. At the time, I was waking up at 2 A.M. to be on the air at 4 A.M. for the news. I made sure the moment I hit the door at work, I was not calling, texting my ex, talking to him, handling personal problems, scouring his social media pages, or asking anyone about him. Out of sight, out of mind, definitely worked for me.
TAMSEN'S TIPS: How to Not Contact Your Ex
1. Don't tell yourself you can just be friends. It is too soon.
2. Remember he won't give you closure. Only you can do that for yourself.
3. If he reaches out about the kids-of course that is a reason to talk.
4. If he reaches out about financial matters-leave that to your attorney or your mediator or answer the question and quickly move on.
5. Write down the "one more thing I have to tell him." Then throw the piece of paper away.
6. If he missed "his stuff," he would have taken it. Put it out of sight.
When I left the television studio each day, I made countless to-do lists that organized my time and helped me form new habits based on my needs, not the necessities of a couple. I know it sounds a little dopey, but the fact is those lists in the early days after my divorce kept me focused on learning to respect and meet the physical and emotional requirements of being the New Single.
Keep Your Breakup Out of the Places It Doesn't Belong
There are days your breakup or divorce is simply never going to be far from your mind. Yes, you will get through them and move on from there. There will be the moments you laugh about much later on, but this is a pivotal time in your life, and there are some days that will live with you forever. I am about to describe one of mine. It was the day I realized I was truly alone in New York City. I no longer had a partner and I was about to start over in the scariest place ever. BY MYSELF.
It's Better to Be Alone Than Lonely With Someone
When my father first gave me the advice in the header above, I was utterly confused. One of the major reasons we stay in unhealthy relationships is that we are afraid to be "alone." The idea of walking into a restaurant and having to approach the hostess with "Just one, please" is a daunting, terrifying, and depressing thought for many of us. It was for me.
The truth is that we are not afraid of physically being without someone, but that we are often afraid to be alone with our thoughts and our feelings. We are afraid of what we may discover about ourselves we don't like, or, worse yet, our fears and vulnerabilities will surface and we won't be able to cope with them. It's also true we convince ourselves that others, smug in their coupled state, are secretly laughing at or pitying our singleness, and are judging us.
My time alone was impossible at first. I would do anything not to be by myself simply because I believed I was not going to be able to deal with all of the thoughts and feelings I was working so hard to suppress. It took some work, but before long I realized that suppression wasn't working anyway, so it made no sense to worry about the inevitable.
It also helped me to turn to a close friend, Nancy, who had never married. She always seemed happy with her life, and certainly never missed a chance to see the latest movie or try the trendiest new restaurant. I asked her if she ever felt funny doing all the things I had thought of as "couples stuff" by herself. She gave me some incredibly helpful advice that I will pass on to you. But first she gave me a lecture: "Life is all about choices," Nancy said. "You have a choice: do you want to indulge your passion for foie gras and Chateau d'Yquem served by a hunky waiter, or do you want to sit home and make do with a liverwurst sandwich washed down by white zinfandel? Do you want to see The Book of Mormon, or watch a Frasier rerun for the forty-seventh time?" When she put it that way, the choices seemed pretty obvious.
Nancy's advice was as simple as it was direct: you are responsible for your own happiness. The couple at the next table is responsible for theirs. It does not matter the least to them if you are alone at your table, with someone, or at home. They are not paying attention to you. You have that privilege-and it is a privilege-so take advantage of it!
Nancy encouraged me to understand that "being alone" is not the same thing as being lonely, nor it is a disease from which one must be cured. In fact, being alone can open a whole new, exciting world. It allows you to start redefining your moments all over again. In my case, I began to travel to places I'd always wanted to visit, but my ex did not. In a very short period of time I went to Italy, France, Dubai, and back to Italy again. I don't know if it was necessarily my Eat, Pray, Love trip, but it was definitely exciting, it opened up a whole new way for me to think, and made me excited about the future.
I am a firm believer that you cannot and will not find the right person if you are not the right person already. You have to know who you are and what you want and what you need before you can ever find the person who will be right for you.
I learned that I didn't want to be with someone who isn't curious about the world. I love to learn. I can't wait to discover something new every day. I love to travel. In my marriage, I made very few trips. As a New Single, I have been filling up my passport as much as I can without apology. I will continue to do this, even when I find someone I want to share my days and nights with. Traveling grew me. It made me feel whole again. It gave me confidence. And, perhaps most important, it reminded me what I love to do and what made me Tamsen. Please find what makes you (FILL IN YOUR NAME). It will be the best gift you ever give yourself.
A-TEAM FEATURE: Otherhood
If you are single and do not have children or thought you were going to have them with your ex, this breakup can feel like a double loss. I spoke with Melanie Notkin, author of Otherhood. Her book is a great resource for women who expected love, marriage, and parenthood, but instead found themselves facing a different reality-no child of their own. I have known Melanie for years and asked her to share her advice.
WHERE DO YOU START THE ACCEPTANCE PROCESS OF BEING WITHOUT CHILDREN?
If one wants children and feels like her last chance has come and gone in the aftermath of her divorce, it can be devastating. It can be heartbreaking if the man led one on to believe motherhood would come, one day. But now you know he was never honest about that, even though you hoped and prayed and believed he would change his mind on parenthood. Perhaps you wanted the relationship to be secure before having children and, as much as you tried, the marriage or relationship failed and now you have neither.
Here's what you need to know: regret is behind you. Life, and the man you will love next, is ahead of you If you stay in the past, thinking about what might have happened if things were different, or if you don't move forward from the present, stuck in indecision or despair, you'll never meet him, your next love, up ahead. He's there, waiting for you.
For most of us, especially those of us with siblings and married friends, kids are all around us. You cannot (and should not) attempt to appropriate your nieces and nephews, or your best friend's daughter, but you can certainly participate in their lives-share their joys, cluck over their sorrows, share little jokes with them.
And while time may be ticking, or if time for motherhood has run out, know that you have chosen to find love again. And how that love manifests itself, when it manifests itself, and with whom, will help determine what happens next.
HOW TO ADDRESS THE QUESTION-"DO YOU STILL WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN?"-ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE A LITTLE OLDER
The first thing to do is answer the question for yourself. Maybe the truth is that no, you no longer want children. You did when you were part of a couple, younger, able to conceive with relative ease and, most important, able to provide your child with a stable and loving two-parent family. You are not part of a couple now, and you may be past the point where conception happens naturally or if it happens at all. Life does not always happen the way we expect.
When others ask you this question, how you answer depends on how you feel toward them. You might bawl your eyes out to a close friend as you pour out your disappointment, or you might simply shrug and change the subject if somebody else asks you. You are under no obligation to answer any question from a nosy acquaintance, no matter how "well-meaning" she seems to be.
Eat, Pray, and Unplug
About a year before my separation, Eat, Pray, Love came out in theaters. I knew what the book was about, but at the time it was published, it didn't really apply to me. Fast-forward to August 2010, when the film version hit the big screen, and suddenly things had changed. It was difficult for me to watch the movie. I had not reached a place of acceptance at that point. I do remember, though, Julia Roberts on her knees at the beginning of the movie, delivering her poignant soliloquy: "I'm in serious trouble. I don't know what to do. I need an answer. Please tell me what to do. Tell me what to do and I'll do it." To this day that scene strikes a chord in my heart.
Julia's words are words that I had said often by then. They are words I continued to say months later. The similarities ended there. I did not have the time for a yearlong sabbatical to find myself. I ate, but truthfully had very little appetite.
What I did do was learn to unplug-for an hour at a time. As a social media lover and a tech geek, this was not easy; yes even an hour can be difficult. But it was something that allowed me to just sit in silence. It's okay to just be still, to unplug and enjoy yourself. You are going to be with you for a long time, and the sooner you get to know yourself the better off you are. If you are going to be moving forward with renewed energy and strength and clarity for a restart on life as you knew it yesterday, I found that to unplug helped me tremendously. It allowed me to be still and it allowed me to look around at what I like to do: read, walk, explore, organize, and most important, have some quiet time to get ready for new challenges. Once you know who you are, you will know what you can and cannot accept for the future.
LESSONS FROM SMART WOMEN
"A journey is over when the destination is reached. And that is how it works even in relationships. Two people come together and co-create an experience. They learn from each other and become each other's lessons. Once the lessons have been learned, the relationship dissolves. The soul contract is over. There is grief here because of the transition and that is the invitation for both to move to the next level in their spiritual evolution."
Uma Girish, grief guide, certified dream coach, and author
Copyright © 2015 by Tamsen Fadal
