THE END
THE END. It was really the end. My right heel tapped away as I sat among three hundred Clairemont High School graduates and watched Nora Engdahl, our valedictorian, stride confidently to the podium. Nora, who’d never gotten a B in her life and was headed to Stanford, paused and brushed back her straight blond hair as she looked around the gym.
“She’s hot.” Garret Frampton, who’d started drinking early, announced the obvious.
“Definitely.” I rubbed the sleeve of my shiny blue robe.
“Party out at the Land tonight,” Frampton said. “Be there.”
I half listened to Nora tell us that graduation was only the beginning and that we were all embarking on the great adventure of our lives, but that wasn’t how I was feeling.
High school graduation was the end. Unlike my friends, who were excited about their fall plans, I was carrying a secret. And as Nora continued on about pursuing our passions and creating a brighter future, that secret weighed on me, heavier than ever.
* * *
LATER THAT NIGHT, after pictures, congratulations, and parental warnings to be safe, Jett Morrison and I ran down the path through the woods on Frampton’s dad’s land.
“We’re free!” Jett hollered as he approached the crowd gathered around the keg in the clearing.
I chased after him but didn’t feel free.
Frampton handed me a red plastic cup of beer and took a drink from his tequila bottle. “Lockermates for seven years.” Frampton banged his bottle against my cup and beer sloshed out.
“Yeah,” I said, trying to get into the spirit of the warm summer night.
“Going to miss you, dude.” Frampton stretched out his arm for a half hug. I slid over to avoid spilling more beer as Jett moved over by the big rocks to talk to Nora and her friend Teagan Kleist.
“I had to work so hard to get into Madison.” Frampton hit me with a blast of tequila breath. “Now I’ll party all freshman year.”
I stepped back and tripped on a root. College was the last thing I wanted to talk about.
“I’ll be paying off student loans forever, so I’m gonna get my money’s worth.” Frampton took another drink. “Madtown gets wild.”
I took a sip of beer. “Hey, Framp, I gotta talk to Jett.”
“Party ’til it’s light.” He lifted his bottle as I walked away.
“Yeah.” After talking to Frampton every school day since sixth grade, I didn’t know when I’d see him again.
“Congratulations, Cray!” Kenna Laughlin waved. I’d gone out with her a couple of times at the start of the year without it turning into anything.
“You too.” She was one of those girls who was friends with everybody—that was why she was class president—and she was smart. She’d applied to about twenty different colleges, gotten accepted at most of them, and chose Cornell after they gave her a ton of money.
“So you’re all set for premed at St. Luke’s.”
“Not quite.” I hugged her and moved toward Jett as moonlight filtered through the pines.
“Nice speech, Nora.” I raised my cup and she lifted hers in a toast.
“It wasn’t that great.” She adjusted her bra strap as Jett watched. She was a star volleyballer and Jett had been after her all year.
“Can you believe we’re finished?” Teagan shook her blond bangs and held a big smile. “Make sure you all come to my graduation party Saturday. We’ll have tons of food.”
I took a gulp of beer. Mom had been all over me about making plans for my party.
“We did it.” Jett high-fived everybody. He didn’t drink, because he had a basketball scholarship to Duluth. He was the first in his family to go to college, and he followed training rules year-round.
“And we’re all off to different schools in the fall.” Nora grinned like she couldn’t wait to start.
I didn’t have the guts to tell the truth. I turned away to watch some theater girls down by the creek singing the school song. I couldn’t keep my secret much longer, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it, so I tried to lose myself in the party.
After that, everything blurred together. Jett left with Nora and didn’t come back. There were bonfires, beer, and vodka shots. People paired off and disappeared into the woods. Others got totally smashed and hugged one another, promising to stay connected forever. I did my best to pretend I was into it, but my fear of telling my parents about my decision tugged at me.
* * *
TEAGAN DROVE ME BACK AFTER THE ALL-NIGHT PARTY, her pink fingernails flashing against the steering wheel as the sun rose above the trees. “I’ve been accepted at Beloit, but I’m on the waiting list at Carleton.” Teagan talked fast. “My aunt went to Carleton and really wants me to go there, but my parents say I should let it go and focus on Beloit, but I can’t. Carleton’s a better school and I love Northfield, but if Carleton says yes, I don’t know if they’ll give me the same financial aid. I feel trapped in between. The whole process is crazy.”
I tried to listen but was colleged out. I wanted a different topic, anything else.
“What do you think I should do, Cray?”
“Me? I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“Go to Carleton. But they don’t want me. I did everything I was supposed to do: got involved in clubs, stuck with gymnastics even after I tore ligaments, did well on my tests, got good grades, and wrote an interesting essay, and I still didn’t get in.”
She looked at me expectantly, but I was the last person to offer advice.
“I feel like a failure,” she said.
“You’re not a failure, Teagan. You’ll do fine wherever you go.”
“Thanks, Cray.”
I asked her to drop me off at the gas station by the university since it was too early to go home without risking running into Dad.
When she stopped the car, she beckoned me with her pink-tipped finger, like she had something to whisper. I unbuckled my seat belt and leaned in. She grabbed the back of my head and pulled my face to hers. Teagan’s hair smelled of cigarettes and beer, but her breath was cinnamony fresh as our lips met. Her tongue darted around my mouth as I shifted my position to get a better angle. She kept her eyes closed, so I did, too, and her lips pressed harder against mine.
Just then a car pulled into the spot next to us and Teagan straightened up. I watched the old guy who’d interrupted us take forever to turn off his engine and open his door. He stuck a wooden cane out the door and it took even longer for him to stand, the slowest guy getting out of a car in history.
I turned to Teagan, who was adjusting her bangs in the rearview mirror, and wondered if we’d go back to what we were doing, but she acted like she’d already moved on.
“I’ve got to go, Cray,” she said breezily, as if the kiss hadn’t even happened.
“Thanks for the ride.” I opened my door.
“Happy graduation,” she called.
“Yeah, you too.”
I wandered the empty aisles of the store thinking about the kiss. My breath probably tasted like a mix of beer, pizza, and Doritos. No wonder Teagan wanted to stop kissing. I bought three glazed doughnuts and two packs of gum. My head throbbed from the beer, the bright fluorescent lights, and being up all night, but I couldn’t go home. Dad would still be getting ready for work.
I devoured the doughnuts as I walked across campus. I stopped at a water fountain for a long drink. My first day with no school felt kind of empty as I wandered down to the river and popped gum into my mouth. I stood at the edge and watched water splash against rocks and lost myself in a trance. After a while, I climbed the steps to the dirt path that curved downstream.
At a bench, I sat and listened to birds chatter away before humans got up to claim the day. Exhaustion pulled me down as I checked the time on my phone.
Even though I didn’t want to, I had to get it over with. I had to tell my parents. But first, I desperately needed some sleep.
I headed home, hoping it was safe to do so.
Copyright © 2016 by John Coy
