PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE
* * *
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Dear Best Friend,
It is with a heavy heart that I write the first of what I can only imagine will be hundreds of emails detailing every second of our college-bound lives. I am extraordinarily proud of you and can’t wait for the entire city of Boston to both love and fear you. Just remember that NO ONE will ever love (or fear) you like I do.
Grow! Flourish! Experiment with things so I don’t have to. I will miss you every second of every day until you graduate a year early (hopefully) and return to me and the dry heat of the West Coast. Journalists can work anywhere, so don’t try to pull “I need to move to New York” four years from now. You know I barely survived during your summer program in Temecula.
I can already tell that I will hate everyone but you.
Sincerely,
Ava Helmer
(that brunette who won’t leave you alone)
P.S. My mother wants to make sure you bought a winter jacket. If not, she will ship you one using Amazon Prime.
Re: PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE
* * *
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
We’re still in the same room, you weirdo.
Stop crying.
G
(the blonde who is really uncomfortable with large displays of emotion)
11:45 AM PST
Are you at the airport?
Hello?
I hope you’re at the airport because your flight takes off in 20 minutes.
Maybe your phone is dead. I hope your phone is dead and you are not dead.
8:51 PM EST
Landed.
Oh, thank God! I called your parents.
Sry. Phone died. Charged it. Fell asleep.
How was the flight? Do you want to come home?
Maybe in 4–6 months?? Hit on the steward & got some free peanuts.
Nuts are always free.
Depends on the kind …
Genevieve! Gross.
Did not blow the steward in the bathroom. If only for ur sake, my precious baby angel.
Plus he was gay.
I have to go pick out bedding with my mother. Call me when you get to your dorm.
I’ll text u.
Get something stainproof.
Just saw that. GROSS!
YOUR REPLACEMENT
* * *
Gen Goldman <[email protected] >
to Ava
Just kidding. Shannon could never replace you. Mostly because her parents must be mental to name her Shannon. How are the Helmers BTW? Do they miss their favorite should-have-been daughter? Your dad emailed me Boston tips from his one business trip five years ago … Apparently, the Marriott bar has KILLER chicken wings.
Still haven’t heard from my parents. Hopefully they read my note. Can you be a runaway if you run away to a liberal arts college?
Back to my new BFF, Shannon. I hadn’t even put my bag down before she stood up on her bed, popped open one of the ceiling tiles, and pulled out a bag of weed. I can already tell that she is going to be a lot of fun. But only when she’s high.
Emerson isn’t really a college campus so much as two buildings and a theater. Which is perfect, because I didn’t even want to go to college. My RA says that the Boston Common (a big park) is our unofficial campus, but I’ve never seen a campus with so many meth heads.
I already love it here. I think I would blow my brains out if I was gated in somewhere with school spirit and a football team. It barely feels like school other than the optional classes. (JK. I know class is heavily encouraged.)
G
P.S. Don’t be mad, but I took a Lyft to the airport. The driver was not a creep but he did hug me good-bye so it was basically the same as having a going-away party.
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
* * *
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
You took a Lyft to the airport?????
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
* * *
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
On second reading, the horrible saga of you going to the airport by yourself isn’t even the worst part of that email. You can’t let Shannon keep drugs in your room! Do you want to get expelled?? Because you will! I read the handbook for you.
I’ve been nervous reading all day. I now know far too much about how to properly brew tea from some weird booklet my mom refused to throw out. I move into the dorms tomorrow. Part of me wants to get there super early and sanitize the entire room and the other part of me doesn’t want to go at all.
I know USC is only 13.1 miles from my house, but that’s like an hour and a half in traffic.
Is it too late to get homeschooled? Or does that not work for higher education?
Just kidding. I’ll be fine. Or I won’t be fine and then I’ll have to drop out and live in my parents’ guesthouse until I sell my first script about living in my parents’ guesthouse.
Thank God writers are meant to be crazy!
Ava
P.S. Flush the drugs. Seriously.
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
* * *
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
You’re not crazy. And I’m not flushing the drugs. They’re not my drugs to flush. I already snorted, ate, and mainlined all of MY drugs.
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
* * *
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I can’t believe my parents didn’t trust you for two and a half years.
A
P.S. What do drugs taste like? Asking for a friend.
Re: YOUR REPLACEMENT
* * *
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Please refer to this video of Prince performing “Purple Rain”:
http://bit.ly/purplerain
Copyright © 2017 by Gaby Dunn and Allison Raskin
Excerpt from Please Send Help copyright © 2019 by Gaby Dunn and Allison Raskin
