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REAL STINKERS
What did the cowboy have to say about his trip to the bathroom?
It was an okie dookie.
How can you distinguish your dad’s poop from others?
It’s really corny.
Why did the turd never get anything done?
Because he was pooped.
What do you call a kid with a bad case of the runs?
Down in the dumps.
What’s worse than smelling a fart?
Tasting one.
What day of the week should you never use a public restroom?
Splatterday.
What song does the Lone Ranger sing when he goes to the bathroom?
“Take a dump, take a dump, take a dump dump dump…”
TYPES OF POOP
• Jaws: Things are quiet at first … but then the tension starts to build. Better get outta the water, quick!
• The DMV: Clear your schedule because this one is going to take ALL DAY.
• The Scrubber: A poop so big that it cleans your hole on its way out.
• Mount Vesuvius: Unexpected—and dangerously explosive—diarrhea.
• The Ploop: When you go and it makes a nice little splash!
• The Crayon: When it leaves marks in the bowl even after you flush.
• The Cookout: When there are visible chunks of corn in there.
• The False Alarm: When you rush to get to a bathroom only to discover it was just a fart.
• The Dentist: A poop that takes so long and hurts so much it’s like pulling teeth.
• The Hallelujah: When you finally get to poop after being stuck in traffic for an hour … and needing to use the bathroom the whole time.
What did the butt cheeks say after they lost the poop?
“It’s over between us!”
Why didn’t Robin Hood need a toilet?
He had his very own Little John always by his side.
What does the pope do in the bathroom?
Holy crap.
What is a constipated gambler’s favorite game?
Craps.
Why did the piece of poop feel so old?
Because he was turning turdy.
What’s the stinkiest city?
Pitts-burgh.
Why didn’t the baseball player have any friends?
Because he’d always try to run home.
What do you call an incompetent accountant’s bowel movement?
An income poop.
What happened to the man who pooped on the sidewalk?
He was fined for littering.
What do you call a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome?
The life of the potty.
What do you call someone who spends over a half hour in the bathroom each morning?
Dad.
What’s the crappiest candy?
Reese’s feces.
Did you hear about the diarrhea outbreak?
You should have. It’s all over town.
Did you hear about the movie Constipation?
It was never released.
What’s the grossest cookbook ever published?
Dump Dinners.
What does a liar say?
“I didn’t fart; it was the seat that made the noise!”
What did the toilet bowl say when Moby Dick took a seat?
“Make way! He’s gonna blow!”
What’s the difference between a deep-fried wiener and a post-cookout poop?
One is a corn dog, and the other is a corned log.
Did you hear about the guy whose armpits were so smelly that they made his Speed Stick slow down and reconsider?
What’s the most disgusting kids’ book ever written?
Diarrhea of a Wimpy Kid.
Where should you never step on a baseball diamond?
Turd base.
What’s the difference between a museum and a chili cook-off?
One is artsy, and the other is fartsy.
Student: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: No, no. May I go to the bathroom?
Student: Hey, I asked first!
What has nine siblings and smells like poo?
A finger.
Why did the guy get poop on his phone?
He was playing “Turds with Friends.”
What’s another name for the world’s biggest toilet?
A swimming pool.
What grows in the ground, smells like poo, and can be made into French fries?
Poo-tatoes.
Did you hear the joke about the toilet?
It’s pretty filthy!
What’s another name for a skunk?
A fart squirrel.
Why do police officers sit down when they go to the bathroom?
It’s the best way to do their duty.
What do you have after you eat a prune pizza?
Pizzeria!
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Room.
Why are constipated old men so rude?
Because they don’t give a crap.
What does Scooby-Doo do after eating Scooby Snacks?
Scooby doodie doo.
What do you call someone using an army latrine?
A pooper trooper.
Did you hear about the guy that pooped in his sleep?
He took too many Tylenol BMs.
What did the crap say to the fart?
You blow me away.
What did the toilet order at McDonalds?
A number 2.
Why didn’t the monster flush the toilet?
He didn’t need to. He scared the crap out of it.
Why was the security guard standing on dog poop?
He was on duty.
Why did Beethoven go to the bathroom in the woods?
Because he wanted his poop to decompose.
What did the man fly say to the lady fly?
Excuse me, is this stool taken?
Why wouldn’t the baseball player use public toilets?
Because he liked home runs.
What’s brown, smells horrid, and got all over the king’s horses and king’s men?
Humpty’s dump.
Real movies that sound like something you would do in the bathroom:
Splash
Free Willy
Fire Down Below
What Lies Beneath
That Thing You Do
Unfinished Business
Goldfinger
Private Parts
Sudden Impact
Peewee’s Big Adventure
Hot Fuzz
Blown Away
Forces of Nature
The Remains of the Day
Children of the Corn
Gone with the Wind
The Blob
Dirty Work
Something’s Gotta Give
John: What is purple, has spikes, and can sing a beautiful tune?
Lou: I don’t know. What?
John: A dookie.
Lou: What? A dookie is none of those things!
John: I know. I just wanted to make the riddle difficult to solve.
What did the food poisoning do to the man’s bowels?
It rectum.
What did the serial killer do to the toilet?
He murdered it.
What do you call a telephone worker who took too many laxatives?
A smooth operator.
Did you hear about the jogger looking for the bathroom?
He had the runs.
Why did the car with a dead battery and the constipated kid have in common?
Neither one could go.
What is the worst air freshener to have in the bathroom?
Poo-pourri
What do you call a toilet wearing a fuzzy seat cover?
A costume potty.
Do you want to hear a secret?
Is it that you have bad breath? That’s no secret.
What do you call poop on a stick?
Shish-ka-poop.
How does poop surf the internet?
They log on.
What’s tight, white, and full of holes?
Dad’s underwear.
Copyright © 2018 by St. Martin’s Press