1. TO ELLIOT COHEN1
October 23, 1924
Dear Mr. Cohen—
This is the story of which I told you; it is, as I also told you, not very good. Essentially, it deals with the same matter as “Impediments”2 but it does so indirectly, ramblingly, and without much intensity or passion; it lacks all the compact “lyric” qualities that a short story should have. The people in it are very obvious and simple and not very clever. I would not so malign your alma mater as to suggest that these people are as they are merely because they are in and about Yale, nor so exalt my own as to imply that the “Impediments” people are interesting only because they went to Columbia.
Quite honestly, now that the thing is written and finished I do not consider the bare situation around which it is built to be good material for a story. As a pig’s ear it does well enough, but as a silk purse it is not too admirable.—However, I am not sending it to you as a story but as a Human Document or as a tract. In that character perhaps you can find some use for it. If the title is the only thing that annoys you, you will find me entirely agreeable to any change you may suggest.
Sincerely,
Lionel M. Trilling
1. Elliot Cohen (1899–1959) was the editor of The Menorah Journal, a magazine of Jewish opinion, where Trilling would publish his earliest stories and essays. Cohen would go on to serve as the founding editor of Commentary in 1945.
2. “Impediments,” Trilling’s first published story, appeared in The Menorah Journal in 1925.
2. TO ELSA GROSSMAN1
September 28 [1926]
The University Club
Madison, Wisconsin
Dear Evelyn Elsa:
Please, and at once, send me your picture. It is not that I would recall you to distinctness but that I would crown your image with laurel and vine, or whatever grateful foliage this place affords. Whatever dark vagueness surrounds you is fitting, for the messengers of the gods move in a darkness and you are surely one. I refer in this manner to your letter which was a large delight. It was, apart from the unending stream from home, the first answer I have received from any of mine and it contained something of the essence of New York. I think that essence was betrayed by your irritation with the city and with people. No one here is ever irritated. There are times when someone will become annoyed—humorously and forgivingly—but never so irritated as to become—as I have known myself to become—passionately irritated. Even I, with that capacity for irritation become lifted to a burning flame—find myself sitting calmly through the most inconceivable departmental meetings with only a faint and unemotional consciousness of circumambient stupidity.—And that essence is also made up of boredom. There is no boredom here. Sometimes there is nothing to do, but actual, high-spirited boredom is not known. These things I fled from, thinking them unbearable, and these things I miss.—Truly, I am not yet maudlin about New York, nor would I return—though I have the feeling of having been here years—but in time I shall woo irritation and boredom. I think I implied a slight yearning for them in my last letters—I have heard that sudden insanity among sheepherders is very frequent. To me, that is easily believable. I have watched the herd stumbling of the immense freshman class here and I have stood before them and felt their trusting, stupid faces thrust out for orders and I can understand sudden insanity. One of the subjects for their test themes was “Qualities a Teacher Should Have.” The number who demanded “faith in human nature” was surprising and pathetic. It is a curious cant phrase and one that I only half understand, but I think I know what they mean by it. I think that if they were articulate—and more sensate—this hackneyed phrase would become a terribly pitiful cry of weakness, ignorance, and helplessness, much the same cry that may be heard in any good novel if it is listened to closely enough. But in the novel the cry is sometimes expressed and in the writing of the novel something is being done; in the boredom and irritation of my clever and cleverish New York friends there is something that changes the quality of the cry and gives it a sort of meaning and validity. These people here in their dumbness are rather awful—like the great mills of Gary, Indiana, which, when I saw them, passing through, had no sign of human life to give them significance. And the tiny proportion of the effectual and semi-effectual people of the East who deal torturedly with ideas is wrapped around by the immensity of those silent and pernicious folks in a way that I could never conceive. Out here, they (the New Yorkers) seem to me as well nonexistent for all the part they play in actuality—actuality being that thing which is largest and most imminent.—But I have yawped on in my usual incoherence and have made something out of nothing at all. Though that, after all, is my business, isn’t it? Like God’s.
The man with the guts left for another university. People are taking form, however, and I am taking form for them, so that a loose sort of society is becoming apparent. That is some relief, for, as I may have explained to you, I need some sort of fairly tight social group to function properly in.—You, I imagine, do not. Indeed, I cannot imagine you easy in one, nor would you talk at all—or would you?—in a crowd.—The Society here must necessarily continue a loose one; there is so little prospect of women being added to it. The lady members of the staff are the strangest things imaginable. Evidently they are chosen much in the same way that dormitory chambermaids are chosen: to protect the morals of the men. If they are not startling in their ugliness, they twitter. I cannot reproduce it on paper, but if you’d try to twitter through a sentence or two you may yet have a notion what it is to be twittered at. It resolves itself into a very chaste and pedagogical coquettishness, the basis and foundation of a schoolmarm’s charming ideas. It is not very nice—rather obscene.
Do you suppose you could really send me a photo? I’m asking for it rather sooner than I said and thought I would, but I should like to crown it before all the leaves here become sere.
Lionel
1. Elsa Grossman, wife of James Grossman, Trilling’s Columbia classmate; both would be lifelong friends.
3. TO ELSA GROSSMAN
March [1927]
The University Club
Madison, Wisconsin
This, Evelyn Elsa, is the concluding—and only—couplet from one of the poems in my volume of Unwritten Works, from “Song for Late Winter”:
Sit on this stone and watch this field dip West—
Nor love nor logic gives to man his rest.
You know, you, like most nice people, are a little stupid about the composition of your niceness. You, like most of them, try to conjure with that word “happy.” There is only one use such people as you should make of the word: “a happy phrase,” you may say, or “a happy thought,” etc. But why don’t you learn that the other uses are of no power at all? That the word is a low, bourgeois one, and that Aristotle is, ethically, a low, bourgeois man and philosopher. (Using “bourgeois” contemptuously drags me back untold years. I haven’t used it so since high school.) Casting out the word “happy,” I have found that I exist in these states: defense, when I mingle with people and do not want to be touched by them; irritation, when I mingle with them too long or when I teach; inertia, when I have indigestion of the soul and need to be drunk; anger, but seldom and for too short a time; scientific interest, usually concerned in meditating on the soul of women (men’s being pretty apparent); and bliss near to frenzy, from three causes (a) from no cause at all, (b) a slow sort from doing what I like and working at it with the feeling reserved that if I wanted to I could work harder and do it better, (c) from hearing what I have done thoughtfully praised.—I suppose there are others, but these clamor most at present. Now go and see what that silly word has to do with any of these. Perhaps you will say it is the result of a proper proportioning of these. Probably not. You, I think, have not lost nostalgia. It is my greatest amazement that I have. If I see myself correctly, I am getting to be very much a son of this earth; the Platonic overtones are pretty well unheard. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t want things of the spirit; it means, though, that I want them, not desire them. Wanting is less graceful than desiring but one murmurs less.
I am at present immured with a cold (bad company) and hoping that I will not be well enough to go out to teach this afternoon but well enough this evening to hear Leon Kreisler. Instead of the Kant and Nietzsche I should be reading, my thick head is a good excuse for reading Yeats’s Autobiography. When I get so thickheaded and miserable that I cannot read even that, I reread a letter wherein Rosenthal1 writes about my story in terms of a spring day, and get amused when he tells me that he and another friend quarreled over its technique, because I never knew there was anything so awesome in it.—But then I get disgusted because I sit over one story like a hen, and do nothing about any others.
If you live with a large collection of heterogeneous souls, you are terribly torn between a disgusted hatred of them and a disgusted pitying love. You begin to have an interest in and a wonder about, and a deep concern for the nation and a despair and a hope in education. If I were simpler minded and had no other plans I should stay here and try to do something—if I knew what I wanted to do. But I have too much of the novelist to think in the flattened terms of the educator: people are too clear and tortuously stubborn for me, and besides, I haven’t any clear set of values.
I begin to long now (or I have a memory [of] longing before my cold, I have now no mind or emotions) for the New York people again. I am heartily weary of seeing the iceboats go by under my window. They were thrilling at first, all white sail and speed, but now I furtively pray that they may go through the ice. But a south wind is blowing and the willow tree is getting its sprays yellower and yellower and everybody says—Just wait till spring.—But spring is not this year as pure and ultimate a good, it is mixed up with the clipping of the wheels of the Twentieth Century (for whatever the cost, I am coming home with as much pageantry as possible) and the rail-side brush closing together and opening wide as one looks from the observation car.
Reading back, I see that it is possible that in the couplet, you will read “stove” for “stone.” Do not. I hate Browning now and more and more.
Lionel
1. Henry Rosenthal, Trilling’s Columbia classmate and friend; see here.
4. TO JACQUES BARZUN1
March 26, 1927
University of Wisconsin, Madison
Dear Jacques:
There are certain limits of rudeness that tend to fade into nothingness: if one waits long enough they do fade (I hope) and one can begin again as though nothing had happened. That is, there are aberrations so large that they cannot be noticed. There are certain things that a man can do in a drawing room so terrible that he may be sure that they will never be mentioned, never thought about, even. Probably my rudeness is of such sort. If it is, there can be no apologies for it, of course. It must be stared at stonily as though it did not exist. I beg that you will stare.
About this time of year, I learn from other pedagogic exiles from New York, one settles down into a prolonged dogged effort of patience until one falls gasping into the arms of final exams, packing, and return.—Madison is a funny town. I try to understand it and do, a little, but it still retains its droll incomprehensibility for me. It has a code and civil equation of its own, fairly sophisticated and rather presentable, but subtly and rigidly its own. It would need a novel, of course, to explain it.
And teaching is a funny business. One feels somehow like a jack-in-the-box behind the platformed desk. I don’t much like it but that is largely because the people are so stupid and undocile. Always: be grateful for Columbia. When I remember it I am almost moved to send the Alumni Committee a check. For all its faults, it is an astonishing place and one realizes that only after one has seen others.
Thank you very much for the Varsitys. I think they are a decided improvement over last year but as a Morningside man can I speak undiluted good of Varsity?2 Nevertheless, its faults are not due to anything you have control over and if you can’t get the desired grade of writing from your people, you just can’t. But the improved tone is something to be remarked and praised.—By the way, a perusal of the last few Wisconsin Cardinals (the daily paper) might be interesting. We are awful damned liberal here. They are in [the] Spec office, aren’t they?
Please give my regards to all worthy persons known to me in the dear, dead days.—I should like to ask how Morningside is, and request you to ask the editor to send me some, but I fear to. Can I expect Varsity to continue coming? And will you write again?
Sincerely,
Lionel
P.S. Please excuse the sleazy envelope. I have no swell ones.
1. Jacques Barzun (1907–2012), historian, biographer, and essayist. Trilling and Barzun met as undergraduates and would remain lifelong friends; as colleagues at Columbia, they taught a seminar together for many years.
2. Morningside and Varsity, Columbia student publications.
5. TO HENRY ROSENTHAL1
August 8 [1927]
Dear Henry—
This is chiefly to commemorate the completion of Daniel Deronda. “Herculean” might possibly be the word. If I had not been forced to intersperse the last four chapters with Charmides, Lysis, and Laches, I might say “Lindberghian.”2
Vacuity continues, I fear, but I do my best not to get jumpy and hysterical. Find it almost impossible to talk and generally content myself with grimaces. Perhaps I shall evolve a new art of communication. Marjorie Johnson gave me the only good evening in a very long memory. There is something more believable in her (for all her incredibility) than in most actual people.
Wyndham Lewis says Gertrude Stein reverses the Shakespearean line: she is the Monument on Patience. In his review, The Enemy (of which I own a copy now worth $15 I am told), he has some things to say about Joyce that seem quite thick. But he is a clever man.
Growth, we know, is cyclic. I felt in Madison at the end of the year that the growth of that period was over. Returned, I wonder what growth there was, though I think there was some; I cannot discover it, for the year seems a Xmas vacation. And here I am now with a dry skin about me ready to be shed and no new one yet grown. And if I cast a [word unclear] eye over people and activity I get only a sense of dryness and brittleness. If this present (very real and not at all romantic) hopelessness had hit me a year or more ago, I should have been pretty well knocked out. Jimmy3 has always had this, hasn’t he? It’s very important, I guess. It seems to demand the immediate investigation of what I expect and should expect—what a good book or a bad book should mean to one, what a pretty leg or a fine breast, what human despicability and human virtue, what an emotion, what a sensation, etc. etc. When that is arrived at, I may be static and old in a bad sense and ahead of time, but with a point of view and the ability to write a book.
Next summer I mean to go to Germany if I have to mortgage my teeth.
Say Hello to Rachel for me. Write again.
Yours
Li
P.S. I read The Sacred Wood. It is remarkable criticism but I do not understand the hymns you made to it. I think I shall write to England for a copy. No doubt you will want one, so I shall try for two. It ought to be available in London. […]
1. Henry Rosenthal, rabbi and later professor at Hunter College, was a close college friend of Trilling’s and officiated at his wedding in 1929. Their friendship ended in the early 1930s.
2. Charles Lindbergh made his solo flight across the Atlantic Ocean in May 1927.
3. James Grossman.
6. TO HENRY ROSENTHAL
July 10 [1928]
Dear Henry,
Oddly, I had been planning to tell you of a dream. I am very proud of mine because I made a bon mot in it, an extraordinary occurrence certainly. I was so impressed in the dream that I should be witty in a dream that, a pencil and paper being by my bed, I awoke and set down the sentence. It was there and plausible when I awoke in the morning. The circumstance was that Rachel,1 another person, and I were in a room and I wanted to tell something to the other person which I did not want Rachel to know. So I spoke in French. “Sshh,” said the other person. “She understands French.” “Don’t worry,” I said, “she can’t understand my French.”—And again oddly, last night I dreamed of The Nation. Somebody had inserted an ad in the form of a letter urging liberals to support Prohibition whether or not they believed in it. “Why? Because 10 cents of everyone will then go for bacon and so the rabbis will be defeated.”
There has been purpose and a deep lesson for us, in Rachel’s illness for you and in my own for me. Or perhaps you had no need of it. But I had. “Look” runs the meaning of the gentle tap we have got “just look what can be done to you. You didn’t quite believe in such things, did you?” Well, I for one didn’t, and now I do and it scares me. I understand why my mother declares all her plans with “With the help of God.” A necessary lesson maybe. The doctor tells me to “concentrate on my health” this summer and I actually want to do just that. I want to be as well as hell. Now I feel lousy: not sick of course but quite squeezed and despising myself for it. I sit up a few hours a day. I am irritable and find myself constantly fretting and worrying. About twice a week for the last three weeks I have been getting quite black fits at night with lots of real despair and shocking fear. They have usually taken the artistic form of long unwritten letters to you. I expect they will stop soon. However, I am at present very flat. There is nobody whom I actively want to see save you, whom I have been missing; your letters were very useful. I am very sick of women. I seem to be and to have been actively surrounded by women all year at every turn. I should like to spend a month in the company of quiet men. The strain of women loving, needing, tending, wanting, resenting is a great one, culminating as it has in the present tyranny of a mother and a nurse. Don’t tell Rachel of this; she will certainly break me into twenty-two pieces for it, though she is probably the only woman I should now like to see.
There are lots of other things quite cockeyed about me but I shall not burden you with the listening nor myself with the recital. Simply, I don’t feel good and I insist upon feeling good. There are two ways, I have discovered, of wearing despair. One is over all your clothes, a great vestment hanging well over your shoes and liable to trip you; the other is to tie it about your middle like a Cordelier’s rope—only under your pants—to make you keep your belly in.
Had you heard that I have a mustache? I don’t much like it.
Allowed only three cigarettes a day, I have taken to English Virginians, very delicious.
Everybody was amazingly nice to me. I received no end of flowers and presents, including a suit of orange, white, and black pajamas. Thank you for The Possessed. I didn’t read it, The Magic Mountain did quite enough to me. It is a great book, but misses somewhere. I am too lazy to find where.
I had the strangest love affair (as my quite keen and very nice nurse discovered for me) with a flower.2 Someone sent me some roses unlike any I had ever seen—colored red and yellow. One of them opened into one of the very few perfect things I have ever seen. It was flawless in shape and the colors blended to look like some transcendent flesh. I could look at it for hours and it was funny to see how the nurse fell into the idiom of teasing one uses to a man who has actually fallen in love. I felt like a Greek myth.
[…]
Love
Lionel
1. Rachel Rosenthal, wife of Henry Rosenthal.
2. A similar experience would be given to John Laskell in The Middle of the Journey.
7. TO DIANA TRILLING1
January 2, 1928
Dearest,
It has been a mean little January day, very suited and comfortable to be in bed in, and passing very quickly and unnoticed. I am not going out tonight to teach having run two degrees of fever, but I feel far better than last night. At present I smell like a tongue sandwich, having just had a mustard plaster. Did you arrive safely? And I hope you are settled and comfortable by now. Is it nice country?
I puttered at my story. There are some things in it still weak and unresolved but tomorrow if my nose does not attempt to imitate the glacier descending North America I shall adjust them and type it. Tentatively I call it “Round Trip” from these lines of Hardy:2
I travel on by barren farms,
And gulls glint out like silver flecks
Against a cloud that speaks of wrecks,
And bellies down with black alarms.
I say: “Thus from my lady’s arms
I go; those arms I love the best!”
The wind replies from dip and rise,
“Nay; toward her arms thou journeyest.”
I should like to give you the end of the story which for some reason I like though I do not find it exceptional.
… “He felt not happy, not eager, not sternly strong, but complete. He was complete not as a story is complete that a writer sends to the printer, but as the idea for that story becomes complete in the mind of the writer over many months; for the idea will come to the writer perhaps as a bald little sentence or a mere static situation, and as it rests in his mind it begins to take on little additions of significance, of which it drops some and cultivates others, growing and forming itself until the writer finds it sufficiently full to begin to translate upon paper. But as the writer sits down to the paper, he knows and is afraid that, however complete and promising seemed the idea, words will perhaps betray it, will probably expose it cruelly, will certainly change it, and so he writes with the probability of failure on his pencil. But as he sits down, though he is not elated, nor happy, nor has he time for any posture of heroism in the face of this fear, he knows that his thus sitting down and beginning his first paragraph is the only thing he can do and the best moment of his life.”
There is something like an inaccuracy here for “he” becomes both the “idea” and the “writer,” but perhaps you will not have noticed it. I did not notice it until just now and perhaps it will have to be changed but I think not. But do you like it?
I have been wondering for a good part of the day why I find so much satisfaction in your being away: when I woke at ten this morning and remembered that you were gone I was very pleased, immediately. And I think I have the reason. It is that for a few weeks now we have not been alone but have been submitting to company, to scrutiny, to appraisal. This submission I can find necessities for, even interesting necessities, but this does not lessen my resentment. I resent even such a thing as Henry’s or Rachel’s approval of us and their liking for you. Now that it has largely gone I find our first secrecy precious for it seemed to conserve us in a dark strange way. Your being away removes you again and makes you again solitary and complete. Perhaps subconsciously that is why I wanted you to go away. Had I not so thick a head now I could tell you more of this; and I will, later, if you care to know. But now I am so completely loggish, and the thing is delicate, interesting, and, I think, important.
Today I read in D. H. Lawrence and was strangely encouraged by myself. For there are, for me, four transcendently great novelists: Dostoevski, Proust, Cervantes, and Dickens. (I omit Rabelais for his book is perhaps not rightly a novel.) Dostoevski has always depressed me by seeming to be scarcely human; Middleton Murry3 says, rather preciously, that by several tests he does not write novels but something beyond. At present Dostoevski has no applicable meaning for me and I do not read him, but his power I remember as something never again to be attained by anyone and as making effort futile, for somehow, though temporarily I have rejected him, his seems the greatest sort of thing to do. Proust I can see at work; I understand him pretty completely and so can control my feelings about him; but he, in fertility and strength, can too discourage me. (We never understand enough the tremendous originality and courage of his method.)
As for Cervantes and the great parts of Dickens, they are primal, from the very beginning; they just are, and allow no comparison or categorizing. But Lawrence is pretty great, I am sure; he is not Dostoevski, but there is as much validity in him if not so much terrible greatness; and by being great as he deals with the things of this world and not of some other—and more important—world which is Dostoevski’s and which I cannot conceivably touch, he allows in me the presumption that I, too, etc.—In short, he assures me that by using what good methods are at hand and by seeing clearly and deeply at eye level I may do something first-rate. I think if that is so it cannot happen for some time yet—not until I get blasted free: I am a good river, I think, but I am frozen down my length if not at my source, and I need that blasting.—Well, is this not a laying bare? Are you bored with this so-spontaneous confession of the young man’s shy hopes? I think you perhaps are not but that you are furiously angry that I asked if you were. Oh, darling, I love you so.
Coleridge wrote a sonnet to Linley upon the singing of some of Purcell’s music. I have just remembered it, and as I remember it, it says that almost he does not want to hear this music which can make him forget the bleeding and suffering of man while he himself is young, happy, loved, and safe; he wishes that it could be saved for when he himself is old, friendless, and at the point of death. It sounds flat so, I guess, but I will find it for you.—Have you ever sung Purcell? Did he write Dido and Aeneas?
I love writing to you. I knew I would and I do. Even though I am perforce illegible and prosy. It is nice being ill and having nothing to do save to think of you, and of you quite alone (or with only that nice girl, Bettina, to whom my greetings) and to write to you, being quite Diana, entirely Diana, so lovely a thing to be.—Write me soon, beloved. I send you all my love. It is a great deal.
Lionel
A Voice has come to visit my mother. Ah, but a voice! You should be vibrating in a constant shudder. There is nothing in words; it is all voice. A sensitive novelist therefore can never do “types”—or not with a surety of success or without a tremendous amount of explanation. But I love you anyway, Diana dearest, dearest, Diana beloved.
1. Trilling and Diana Rubin met on Christmas Eve 1927 and were married on June 12, 1929. As Diana Trilling, she would become a prominent critic and essayist and a central figure in New York intellectual life. Her memoir, The Beginning of the Journey (1993), offers the fullest available account of Trilling’s early life and career.
2. From Thomas Hardy’s poem “The Wind’s Prophecy.”
3. John Middleton Murry (1889–1957), English literary critic.
8. TO DIANA TRILLING
[1928]
Darling,
[…]
Got up early this morning. Headache gone, though I am still looking for the piece of skull it took off last night.
You can’t imagine how much I love you. I get a sentimental pleasure from contemplating the fact that I have only to stop and think about you to understand that I do it (love you) in a romantic, excited way and not calmly and evenly out of mutual “adjustment” and companionship which I had feared childishly would happen, just as when I see you from a distance I never say There’s Diana but There’s a good-looking girl; could I make her?—Have been reading New Grub Street, which is literary life in the ’80s, and there’s a writer’s wife in it, not very nice, so I’ve also been lost in admiration of your moral charm and wondering if there ever was another girl like you. And knowing there wasn’t.
[…]
I bet you think I’m writing now just to do a “screw-letter” but no. But it would be nice to have you back before incapacitation.
See you soon, Beloved—
Lionel
9. TO DIANA TRILLING
[December 1928]
Dearest Diana,
I am writing to you for quite no reason at all save that thinking of you half an hour ago—and for all the half hour, and now, of course—I was so strangely joyous that I wanted to make sure of your reality by reaching out to touch you, and this is the nearest I can come to doing it. Often I want to make a big literary gesture to you, a superb piling up of the best and truest words I know: someday maybe I shall be able to do that, to let all the splendid words come out as they want to, and give them to you. But now I am glad to say almost any words, so long as you are glad to receive them, and satisfied to say only “dearest” and “Diana.”—It is funny, it is superbly and terrifyingly curious how you seem to be a stiffening to all the tenuity and the necessary weakness of every sort of book.—Probably this will come to you by the morning’s first mail: and that, for no reason that I can discern, gives me pleasure.
Lionel
10. TO DIANA TRILLING
[1929]
Darling,
I had meant to write and send this last night but I had been seeing people every minute of the day and the last one, Jimmie, did not leave until 3:30 this morning.
Kip1 spent the afternoon here. He read the story and seemed to like it very much, finding it less good and significant in some places than in others but on the whole interesting and meaningful and somewhat important. Henry, who finished it last night, seemed rather moved by it and thinks it beyond anything I have done. He said some swell things. Kip’s professional and technical approval, and Henry’s emotionally critical reaction very much relieved the feeling left by Jim’s and Elsa’s comment and attitude. Perhaps you will wonder why I should be so much affected by these. Well, Jim used to be an important critic, and a careful and assiduous one, for me; and Elsa is an intelligent girl who has liked some of my work. My story—it is not rightly a story but something more and less—had, I thought, a great many implications. Purposely, I kept many of its significances veiled so that the reader, trying to find the meanings, might be free to find whatever he wanted to. For instance, the story is divided into three parts, though it all takes place in an hour—two incidents, and an incident-essay on a man’s attitude to Jewishness. Seemingly there is only the faintest relation to be seen linking the three, but I intended a very deep one. And all that Jim and Elsa could see was that it was a disjointed story with an essay on Judaism to sell it to the Menorah. This judgment reduced the MS to blank blue lines on blank white paper: it killed all my potency and I was quite certain I should never be able to convey another meaning in my life. It took Kip’s and Henry’s praise to restore the story to life. It is an emotion I never feel but I was what is called “hurt”—what Henry would call “betrayed.” I was devastated that I would have to show this blank blue-and-whiteness to you and that all my life I would teach freshman composition. It was really quite horrible. I am sorry to have bored you with this but I had to get rid of it somehow.
Kip was here yesterday for a long time. We spoke of you, he with high terms of apt admiration, and I—well. He spoke nicely and practically—as he would—of us. He conceives a most tortuous relationship between you and him: that you despise him, that he is angered and injured by your despite, that he scorns it, and some more: all this quite casually, of course. He seems to have been once infatuated (his word) by you. He so often assures me that there has been nothing between you that I must ask—but in parentheses—(What in hell was there between you?) (Do you mind if I write closer? I shall not have enough stamps at this rate.) He spoke of him and Polly2—hopelessly but without much dramatization—and I told him what I have always wanted to, that it would help him and spare his friends not to jar publicly. It is all horrible, I guess. He spoke of his talent with the same awful hopelessness, made me ill by envying me my talent and my use and development of it—he could be twice as good as me if he wanted—and refusal to be comforted. I am no good at argument, especially with a man’s devils, so I was of little help—not that he wanted any. But it was all—not shocking for we know it all—but tragic as tragedy must, I suppose, now be understood.
I felt much as Kip used probably to feel when he acted confessor to most of the college, for in the evening Rachel gave me the copies of some tremendous and affected letters which she and Henry wrote to try to adjust their relationship to Henry’s sister, and later Jim came to talk about Elsa. New Year’s Eve was, by the way, the first he knew of her California plans, he at the same time with the rest of us, a circumstance that, at least, implies culpable stupidity. I feel that somehow I am mixed up in that thing, though how I do not know. She is bitterly angry, I am told, that I never see her, and Jim wants me to go because she thinks I do not think well of her, and (according to Jim) she thinks then that she is really not much and that Jim’s opinion of her is not important but is merely the opinion of one who, not having known many women, is not fitted to judge. What people!
Yesterday and the day before I felt astonishingly weak but today I am quite well. It is not possible to express the irritated chagrin I have been feeling at not being able to get up to you. Did it rain there immensely as it did here?
Night before last, I fussed around and found your letter to me from Rio. How delightfully you write! Darling, I love you for your literary skill. That is reason 27 I think or more. Hey—I want to see you. You have not truly been away weeks, have you? Did you get the book and the letter? I love you, Diana, and I love you.
Lionel
1. Clifton “Kip” Fadiman (1904–1999), writer, editor, radio and television host, was another of Trilling’s friends from college.
2. Pauline “Polly” Fadiman, Clifton Fadiman’s first wife, was a high school classmate of Diana Trilling’s.
11. TO DIANA TRILLING
[1929]
Dearest,
There is in me so much confusion, so much that is like shame and humiliation, so much of a nervelessness that is yet endlessly sensitive, and so much of unreasoning despair, that I hesitate to write to you. And yet I must write to you and the reason for my hesitation is the same for my writing. I think you have never seen me so: I have never exhibited it to you and indeed, though I sometimes—often—get so, all this year I have been untouched, and because of you, I know. Were I now to see you, it would be certain to disappear, this quite absurd state, and it would not have to be mentioned to be exorcised. But though I thought to call you at your teacher’s to try to see you again today, I find it is too late. So that write to you I must (though I think you will not like the gesture) partly because it seems sometimes natural to some to make a gift in love of their own misery (I shall not do it often) and partly because the feeling came when I left you after our few minutes today and because I cannot help tracing it to that few minutes. I met you, I fear, rather ready for misery, with a weakness in my thoughts and that strange internal hand that sometimes closes ever so lightly on my vitals, not at all heavily but ready and warning to grasp and constrict and take from me all power. This you could not know (and why should you?) and you could not know that casually and lightly you made the hand come tighter, much too tight. I am sure that it was nothing essential in your manner, nothing important, that gradually began to touch me hurtfully; probably it was only the usual playful brusquerie that we like (am I not absurd!), perhaps it was that I wanted to be deeply noticed and that I wanted you to know that I was on the edge of misery, and was frustrated that I could not tell you. Whatever it was (and oh my dear, it was no fault of yours!) I desired, when I left you, to see my body dissolve on the pavement. All the world in this false and terrible weather was (trite word but here true) a mockery, and every shopping woman and every perambulated child was a denial and a wickedly comic disease.—Let me go further, Diana my beloved, and perhaps when I have done I shall have quite overpassed this mean malaise which I thought I had forever done with, and if anything I have said or say annoys or disgusts, you will forgive me, please, and quite forget about it for it is certainly but momentary. And I think that what I would say is that now for several days I have been feeling—dimly, most of the time—that somehow, in some quite indefinable way, I have been losing—not importance, nor meaning—but (shall we say?) figure and form for you: that I was losing sharpness and acquiring typicality and a conventionality. More than probably this is not any thing in you (if it be true at all) but in me: and another and simpler way of saying it is that I have been dull, and affected you only in old molds of impression. If this is true, my dear, please do not be too impatient of it. Certainly it will pass. True, it frightens me a little, for because of it I think I feel you combating and resenting something in me.
Diana, whom I so much love, has this letter tried and annoyed you very much? I love you so and I have my love for you at present so much wrapped about with unhappiness that I am everlastingly frightened for our love, and when I offer you mine it is too likely to be still stuck with the unhappiness enclosing it. Oh my love, believe again, completely again and at once, that I love you well and you will forgive this letter and not find it too much lacking in that dignity you prize. It has been good to write you, even in this way, and it has made me happier. Goodbye, dear, and love me.
Lionel
12. TO DIANA TRILLING
[1929]
My beloved,
Your letter was—is, will always be—so good, and so dear and important to me. It is—but this is almost fatuous because of the sweet things about me in it—so wise: it has so much the grace of wisdom everywhere about it. It is too bad that I am now abysmally and absurdly tired—I think it is my shoes: I shall not be the same until I get back from the cobbler my proper shoes—and cannot tell you as I would how deeply I received it. But when I see you.
I am glad that you found something to jib at. I hope to write an article on Jewish fiction—which can be made a more subtle subject than it sounds—and if I may I should like to quote your objection to the fact and logic which I do not explain that lies in the idea “Jew.” I am sorry I did not get the letter this morning so that we could talk of it. Now I shall not explain why I do not make the intellectual clinch, though I shall explain in the article, but I am not hedging when I say that I allowed the omission purposely. I did not want to define the concept “Jew”: I was sure that there would be enough meaning for everyone in the word of a sort that would make clear its effect in the story. But more when I see you.
Of course you “may” point out the bad sentences. I regretted, giving you the story, that you did not yourself write so that you could have that vision into the functional structure of every sentence which writing alone, I guess, gives: just as I have always been afraid to press you to sing for me because I might completely miss the significance of each of your different efforts and find importance only in the effect, and miss often the true effect: simply, our technical snobbism, but I am tired and have got the sentence confused.—Bettina would triumph and gloat at this but our sentences have very analogous rhythms.
I want this to go by the last collection but I cannot help quoting this from a swell book I have just discovered, Coleridge’s Table Talk:
“The best way to bring a clever young man, who has become skeptical and unsettled, to reason, is to make him feel something in any way. Love, if sincere and unworldly, will in nine instances out of ten, bring him to a sense and assurance of something real and actual [italics mine]; and that sense alone will make him think [italics the author’s] to a sound purpose instead of dreaming that he is thinking.” Which I said something like to you before, I think; in particular, if the story is the best thing I have done etc.—And therein lies the truth about Kip and a great man said it.
I kiss you goodnight.
Lionel
Forgive the envelope it is the only one in my desk.
13. TO DIANA TRILLING
[1929]
Beloved,
I am so ill! I am all a whimper and a snivel. I am not fit to write you a letter; but I have been trying to name the strange physical warmth and strength that has been girding my waist (almost I could put my finger and say “there it begins and there it ends”). I get from you the feeling often; as though I had been buttoned up warmly and lightly. It is not as though some woman had so buttoned me up so comfortably—some mother, or maternal aunt, or a wife—but as though an old general should say to a young soldier, “Here, wear this—so. You will find it good.” Do you at all follow what I mean, Diana, for I am not sure I do entirely? But I think I do.
I am always trying to find words for my love for you, and you know I cannot. Perhaps that is just as well, because if I could it would become crystallized and controllable. I do not want to be able to control it. I want it to control me, and I am willing always to stammer about it. But you must know about it as maybe you do, with all generosity guessing it.—I cannot get the word for it but sometimes I get pictures of us. Just now I do not see us together, but each of us grasping hard to either end of a stout rope. Do you remember how children do that, lean backward, and then move in great circles with scarcely any effort? I see us leaning back so, moving so, at either end of the rope, and on the tight-stretched rope are hung the particles of the world. So long as each keeps the rope tight, we move with ease, and the particles of the world stay in alignment. But if the rope is let slacken, they jumble; and at least one of us falls down.
But that is but one picture. My dear, you have so grown into me—so organically become a part of me. I wonder if you still resent and fear this, as you once did? I think perhaps you do. But you need not. It is scarcely a demand upon you, and not at all a weakening of me.—Darling, and I have not said anything to you!
Two little girls have finished their exams and are acting like a pair in The Wild Party.1 They should live so long!—in the jungle where I spent my youth learning to look lean, mean, keen. One is black-haired and one yellow, and the yellow one is called Weinrib, Miss Weinrib. Dear, two spiritually snotty girls can get a great deal of low fun watching their instructor being actually and materially snotty.
Didy darling, please feel well and eat a big breakfast. I’ll see you soon.
Lionel
1. Narrative poem by Joseph Moncure March, published in 1928.
14. TO RACHEL ROSENTHAL
[1929]
Dear Rachel,
You will, I know, forgive me for having waited so long to write. To use a phrase much current in my family, “after what I have been through”—which implies, though it is never said: “Just nothing must be expected of me.” However, it was not nearly so bad as I expected it to be. I sailed through with considerable composure, sufficient to convince that there was nothing to be done about the crime I was committing, and after a few days the idea became for them quite bearable. Now, as Henry predicted, it is even exciting. A family dinner went off well enough and save for the annoyance of wedding discussions from which Diana suffers a lot, everything is smooth. All the sensible unsentimental people have been at mother saying not only that it is not an intolerable thing, but, either charmed by Diana herself when they have met her or by the report of her and the idea of a rich girl giving up having breakfast in bed to marry a poor writer when they have not met her, have actually been convincing mother that it is a good thing. Harriet1 has been behaving quite well: indeed, in a far better way than I expected. She is undoubtedly hurt by it, and scarcely romantically excited, yet she is being most sensible and strong, and not unintelligent.—All this has been a very grateful release from the tension of secrecy and waiting.
Yet everything is not quite adjusted, nor, I suppose, will it be until June—and perhaps for several months after June. The situation is creating emotional consequences in me (I will not speak of Di) and requires emotional adjustments such as, of course, I have never had before. In themselves I do not resent them too much and my rather full consciousness of them gives me a control over them that is actively reassuring, and yet they are painful.—The primary reason for them—the fertilizer of them, rather—is, of course, the absurdly anomalous position we are in. Had we not to shudder up into ourselves to resist the interference and handling that we must get and did not that resistance carry over often to each other, I think there would be nothing at all painful. But in taking reality from all other things in defense, we are likely to become a little abstract to each other. This, I think, is true of both of us, but for me there is also the worry that comes from a complete loss of the sense of any power. Partly, it is from the business of family again: I get the sense that I have delivered Diana over to them, and they, very kindly, have allowed me to have her. Too, there is the necessary humiliation of having to be “sonny dear” when Di is present, the little boy who so precociously and so poetically is taking a woman. To this situation, the annoyance and sterility of my teaching job contributes; and far from unimportant is my status as a student which I hate and resent, a feeling intensified by an academic disappointment recently; at the present time the unbenevolent paternalism of my professors is detestable and harmful, but this I foretold long ago, and it was one of the reasons I did not want to marry before I had passed my examination. But perhaps the most important and the most interesting factor of all is the result of the very relationship between Di and me. Now, as, more than ever, I begin to love her more and more every day, with a frightening depth and completeness, and as I acquire a painful sensitivity to her, an almost complete consciousness of her (though still a little stopped and hindered by past habits of thought and feeling), I find asserting itself subconsciously a resentment against myself for many things in our curious past relationship. That she felt importantly about me before I did about her, that I was once casual about her and clumsy, that perhaps I hurt her a little, and that once there was a relationship between us in which I was a dolt and a close-eyed and vulgar dolt, not seeing half of what I should have seen, gives me a sense of guilt, not conscious in the least until it is sought for, and a not-conscious desire to take punishment for it.—All this is driving me to a sense of weakness and incompetence, absurd but sometimes agonizing: to a devastating fear of myself, to worry about Diana and our relationship, actually to a chaotic and nameless jealousy. And as I seem to shrink, Diana seems to grow, so that there sometimes seems to me an intolerable disparity between us which I fear she will at any moment recognize. This fear her admiration for strength intensifies, so that last night I had, after I left her, partly when awake, partly when asleep and in a dream, a most terrible time—from a picture! It is almost too neat, like a story. We had come from my house and walked down the park to take Di home. I suggested going in to see Henry and we did and had a good hour talking. As we left I saw a book I had lent him which had in it a picture I had wanted Di for a long time to see. It was a photo of a statue of a Samnite warrior, of an art I did not know—early inhabitants of Italy I presume—and one of the most beautiful things in the world. It is hard to describe here: a terrible face composed in beautiful linear masses, a body all clean lines, the armor part of the body, the mightiest arm from great shoulders, long gleaming legs in stride. It is very sophisticated for all its primitiveness—it has the craft of strength—and as a composition, abstractly, astounding—at once bizarre and classic. We admired it and talked about it for some time. Even while talking I felt somehow beaten by it and I could dream of nothing but Diana and this thing together.
Of course, all this state is completely subjective in me. Di sees manifestations of it, resents them, and has interpreted them cleverly but incorrectly. That it will pass I have no doubt, but it must pass soon.
But four pages is quite enough for my neurosis. No one ever taught me that life was easy and uncomplicated, yet I am always surprised when it is not. Diana grows lovelier every day in strange ways. She is tired and irritated by all the absurd adjuncts to getting married. I wish she could go to sleep until June.
[…]
Yours, with love,
Lionel
1. Trilling’s sister, Harriet (later Harriet Schwartz).
Copyright © 2018 by James Trilling
Compilation, editorial work, and introduction copyright © 2018 by Adam Kirsch
