1
FUNNY BONE—Zombies, Skeletons, Ghosts, etc.
What kind of story would a ghostwriter write?
A spooky one.
What do you call it when a baby vampire crawls?
A little creepy.
Why do zombies walk so slow?
Because they’re dead tired.
How do you know if you’re a ghost?
When food goes right through you.
What do baby zombies wear?
Die-pers.
What do you call zombie phones?
Dead ringers.
How do you know when two zombies are talking?
It’s dead quiet.
What do little spirits like before bed?
Ghost stories.
What does a ghost say when you knock at the door?
Boo is it?
How do you know when a poltergeist is scared?
He’s white as a ghost.
How did the skeleton get in the house?
It used its key.
What do you say to a zombie without a brain?
Nevermind.
How can you be sure when a zombie isn’t right?
When they’re dead wrong.
Why couldn’t the stone be a grave marker?
It couldn’t get a head.
What did the skeleton think of the grave?
It was a little shallow at times.
What would happen if someone took everything out of the freezer?
Ice cream.
How did the glass know everything was going to be all right?
There was a light at the end of the funnel.
Why does it take longer for a two-headed monster to answer a question?
It has to think twice.
How did the milk know its time had come?
It was ready to expire.
Why couldn’t the skeleton laugh?
He was missing his funny bone.
What do you call someone with a hat made out of bones?
Bonehead.
Why did the zombie stop its car?
It reached a dead end.
Do zombies ever rest?
Of corpse they don’t.
What do a bunch of ghosts playing baseball have?
Team spirit.
What is a skeleton’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?
The wishbone.
What do ghosts read in their spare time?
Booooooooks.
How long was the rabbit gone?
The hole day.
Why were the skeletons shocked when they looked in the grave?
No body was there.
How did all the colors become extinct?
They all dyed out.
What do you get when you cross a skeleton with a genie?
A wish bone.
What was the alphabet’s favorite food?
Soup!
Why can’t anyone sleep at a funeral?
Because it’s a wake.
Was there any sign the candle was alive?
Just a flicker.
Why was the broom confused?
It didn’t know which witch was which.
How did the hair feel about being put in braids?
It dreaded it.
How did the power cord feel about seeing a ghost?
It was a shock.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster such a good dresser?
He was always put together.
What did the bucket look like when it saw the ghost?
It was very pail.
What is a ghost’s favorite fruit?
Boo-berries!
How do you feel when you have lice?
Lousy.
What is a skeleton’s favorite food?
Spare ribs.
What did the bunny think of the scary movie?
It was hare-raising.
Why wouldn’t the wood go into the haunted house?
It was petrified.
Do cemetery workers like their job?
They dig it.
What did the snake do when it saw the ghost?
It jumped right out of its skin.
What happened when the vampire dropped his dinner?
He made a bloody mess.
How did the building know the ground was scared?
It was quaking.
Why were the two bears so different?
They were polar.
What were the turkeys so scared of?
The goblin’.
Who did the crying ghoul want?
Its mummie.
How come nobody wanted to hang out with the vampire?
He was a pain in the neck.
Which subject are witches best at?
Spelling.
How come witches’ hats make them so clever?
They get the point.
Who was the nose the most afraid of?
The boogie man.
How come vampires are never late for dinner?
Because they’re punctural.
How come nobody likes to have dinner with a vampire?
It’s too draining.
What did the wolf ask the moon?
Howl we ever get there.
What did the zombie do when it walked into a ceiling fan?
It lost its head.
Why did everyone laugh at the werewolf?
He was a howl.
What did the water do that was so scary?
It roared.
How did the ghost feel about the love of her life?
She was errie-sistible.
How did the witch put a curse on the hive?
With a spelling bee.
Why was the Wicked Witch sent to her room?
She had a meltdown.
What do you do with a hot ghost?
Phantom.
What did Frankenstein’s monster think of his bolts?
They were a pain in the neck.
What do you call a really scared cow?
A Coward.
Why did the ghosts have to leave the ball game?
They were booing everyone.
What kind of shampoo does Medusa use?
Snake Heads and Shoulders.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a beagle?
A bloodhound.
Why was the Minotaur so stubborn?
Because he was bullheaded.
Who is the biggest horse fly?
Pegasus.
How does Bigfoot tell time?
With a Sasqwatch.
What did one unicorn say to the other?
I get the point.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster so unhappy?
He had two left feet.
How do ghosts handle their problems?
They try to see through them.
How did Frankenstein’s monster feel about his surgery?
He was scarred for life.
How can you tell when a leprechaun is jealous?
He’s green with envy.
How come no one likes to listen to Puff’s stories?
Because he would always drag on.
Why didn’t anyone invite the dementors to the party?
Because they sucked the life out of the room.
How come no one took the centaur seriously?
Because he was always horsing around.
2
ANIMAL INSTINCTS—Stinky Animals, Bathroom Jokes, etc.
What do you call a monkey that farts in church?
A badboon.
Did you hear about the lion with diarrhea?
It was a cat-astrophe.
How can you tell the difference between elephant and rhinoceros poop?
Elephants work for peanuts.
Why do lap dogs have the worst-smelling poop?
Because they are so spoiled.
What does a dog call a litter box?
All-you-can-eat buffet.
What do dogs call fire hydrants?
Public toilets.
Did you hear the joke about squirrel poop?
It was really nutty.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the bathroom.
What’s invisible and smells like bananas?
Monkey farts.
What dog has the most germs?
Bac-terrier.
What do a race track and your little brother’s underwear have in common?
They’re both covered in skid marks.
Why do worms make good detectives?
They know how to get to the bottom of things.
Where does a baseball player rub toilet paper?
On his bat.
A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit, “Do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur? The rabbit, a little confused, replied, “No.” “That’s great!” said the bear as he grabbed the rabbit and started wiping.
Why do animals eat their meat raw?
Because they are terrible cooks.
Why did the pig pee all over his pen?
He wanted to go hog wild.
What’s another name for cow poop?
Beef patties.
What does pig poop smell like?
It stoinks!
What do dogs call vomit?
Second dinner.
What smells like ham and filth?
Pig farts.
What’s red, chunky, and smells like a gazelle?
Cheetah puke.
Which monster will make the biggest mess out of your bathroom?
The Loch Mess Monster.
What does a skunk say when you turn it inside out?
“Ouch!”
What gets better with age?
Dog poop.
What does bear poop smell like?
Unbearable.
What did the circus monkey say when the clown farted?
Nothing … it smelled so funny he couldn’t stop laughing long enough to say anything!
What do you call a dinosaur that farts too much?
Stinky-saurus.
How do chickens know it’s time to poop?
They use a cluck.
What do dogs call it when they poop in their crate?
Midnight snack.
What are grizzly bear farts like?
Silent but violent.
Why do horses fart when they gallop?
They wouldn’t achieve full horsepower if they didn’t.
Why didn’t the pig laugh at the loud fart?
Because he was being a real boar.
What is orange and smells like peanuts?
Elephant puke.
How did the skunk feel after being run over by a car?
Smelly and tired.
What is a fly’s favorite dessert?
Cow pie.
Two girls were walking in the woods. They came across a pile of dog poop. “Is that dog poop?” the first girl asked. “Smells like dog poop,” said the other. Then they both put their finger in it. “Feels like dog poop.” Then they both said, “Tastes like dog poop. Good thing we didn’t step in it!”
Why did the vampire eat the dog?
He loves pupperonis.
What do cows read when they’re in the bathroom?
Cattle-logs.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots and cabbage?
Rabbit farts.
Why did the cheetah eat the gazelle?
Because he loves fast food.
Did you hear about the girl who found electric eels in her toilet?
It was a shocking discovery!
How did the T-Rex feel after vomiting all night?
Dino-sore.
How do you make a pig fly?
Feed it a bowl of beans.
What do you call it when a dinosaur urinates?
Pee-rex.
What do cows pee?
Cheese Whiz.
Have you heard the one about the constipated lion?
Get ready to roar!
What did the skunk say to the farting man?
“No need to make such a stink, I’ve got you covered.”
What should you do if pigs start to fly?
Get an umbrella.
Two bats hanging in their cave. The first bat asked the second, “Do you remember the worst day of your life?” The second bat replied, “Yeah. The day I had diarrhea!”
What do you call poop you can’t push out?
A frightened turtle.
Why was the crocodile’s pee so yellow?
He drank too much gator-ade.
A bird in the hand … will probably poop in your hand.
Did you hear about the turkey with a flatulence problem?
It shot stuffing all the way across the Thanksgiving table.
How is a scientist like a fly?
They are both attracted to stools.
Why did the bear throw up after eating George Washington?
Because it is hard to keep a good man down.
Where do pigs “do their business”?
In a pork-a-potty.
What’s green, slimy, and smells like peanuts?
Elephant puke.
Why did the pig farmer go to the hospital?
He caught a bad case of pink eye.
Why do fish record how much they pooped?
They always have scales.
Why did the turkey need a bath?
It smelled fowl.
Did you hear about the T-rex that didn’t have the ability to fart?
It faced ex-stink-tion.
What animal always throws up after it eats?
A yak.
Did you hear about the sheep that went to the bathroom together?
They were tightly knit.
Why did the sick chicken cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Did you hear about the cow with diarrhea?
It was an udder disaster!
Copyright © 2019 by St. Martin’s Press
