December / décembre1



18th December / le 18 décembre

That was hot, baby, wanna go again?

Last night, about 4:00 a.m., wrapped in cum-soaked Calvin Klein Egyptian-cotton sheets, I realised I had to quit my first job in fashion.

It’s a fairly usual First Job in Fashion: latte runs, bollockings for eating too much at a PR breakfast, being reminded I’ll never make it in this business as I carry my boss, Eve, up four flights of stairs while she’s blackout drunk in the late afternoon. That kind of thing.

But there, last night, the cummy sheets slowly solidifying around me like a glamorous mummy, it all twigged. A postclimax sext from Eve’s boyfriend arrived on her personal phone, which was by my bedside at her request.

That was hot, baby, wanna go again?

My job title, personal assistant, turned out to be a fairly loose catch-all for a gig with a variety of responsibilities that I, an avid consumer of trashy, semi-abusive fashion reality TV growing up, totally expected. But boyfriend sexter never seemed to make the edit on those shows. That’s right: Eve goes to bed at 10:00 p.m. on the dot every night and makes me stay awake to keep texting her boyfriend while he works a night shift. She told me, very specifically, that if I wanted to keep my job, I would have to “go with the flow with whatever Jared wants.” So when he sexts, I sext back.

When I arrived in Manhattan, I was afresh with the naivety of a twenty-four-year-old drag queen and hopeful journalist on the hunt for a big break and a series of big dicks. Like Violet Sanford in Coyote Ugly, but fatter and not a dancer. I thought my evenings would provide the perfect set up for an hour or so of writing followed by seemingly endless hours out with my swathe of queer, cool, self-assured American gal-and-non-binary-pals. I’d given up on the idea of career drag upon arrival here, on account of not wanting to be broke for the rest of my life, but I’d thought I might have a little extra time for a few cash-in-hand gigs, and perhaps from there my contoured star would rise. A kind of accidental rise to fame, like those queers who populated the Chelsea Hotel some years before me.

Instead, I’ve spent my evenings trudging dutifully around a folder of my boss’s nudes on Dropbox. Never fear, they don’t run out—she constantly tops them up: buck-naked at the gym, an exposed tit in the bathroom of a Hard Rock Cafe (wtf?).2 She once sent me a close-up of her vagina and told me to study it so when I tell Jared that I’m “touching my pussy,”3 I actually know what a pussy looks like. Then she laughed. She doesn’t pay me extra for this shit. If I’m going to do sex work, surely I should be remunerated.

Well, if I’m not getting paid, I reasoned, I should at least use this opportunity as a sexual outlet for myself. Sex with strangers has always been a kink of mine anyway—probably something to do with the fact that, in my head, I’ve always imagined myself as someone famous, and thus having faceless, nameless sex is a rather joyous way to escape the paparazzi. Or it’s something to do with shame. Frankly, I can’t spend any more time on that subject, so I’m opting for the former.

As a result, then, I’ve transmogrified this traumatic sexual task into something glorious. Something hot, unadulteratedly sexual. I and many of my queer friends are quite skilled at this practice. So at night, instead of being this mistreated intern, I metaphorically drag up as my boss, my horrible boss, so horrible she could play a lead role in that horrible movie Horrible Bosses. And, no, my criticism isn’t just that classic gay male misogyny rife among many parts of my community—she’s just a categorically dreadful person. And, yes, if she were a man, I would think she was even worse, because men are, obviously, worse. So, terrified of losing my job by accidentally revealing myself as myself to Jared, for three months I’ve sexted like a boss: aggressive, power hungry, compulsively lying, with savageness coursing through my veins as I masturbate furiously in tandem with her unknowing partner, who is none the wiser.

I’m used to becoming a “her” after hours, but this is different. In my real-life drag I’m Crystal—full of love, laziness, sensitivity, with a subtly promiscuous edge and a penchant for hyperbole. As my new virtual drag character, Eve, I’m all about the power fisting—something Jared has begun to love. I keep imagining Eve being shocked and confused as he requests these darker sexual arts in real life, but that only drives my pleasure more.

Anyway, I imagine Eve’s boudoir persona can’t be much different from her boardroom persona, and for this reason I stay, because I’m enthralled by the way she works. Like anyone else in fashion, her job is many things at once—she’s part of the phenomenon of people who can do anything because they say they can, not because they actually can. She says things such as “unacceptable” and “foreclose” and “consequences” and “Forbes list” all the time, and it makes me feel powerful by proximity. Although she is the kind of white person who wears a Navajo-print poncho.

But, as is well-known to anyone who has been obscenely mistreated at work—anyone who’s been shouted at, bullied, underpaid, criticised for doing things exactly as you were asked to—there forms a strange kind of Stockholm syndrome whereby you make hundreds of nonsensical justifications for staying despite knowing a day of work will end with a round of self-care triage as you pick up the shards and shreds of your confidence and stumble home.

I’d come to New York using what was left of my pitiful overdraft4 because I had the chance for a first job that would help me break into the closed-off, elitist world of high fashion that I’d dreamed of since my grandma bought me my first copy of Vogue after church one Sunday.

Like any northern queer raised in the culturally barren land of the noughties, I dreamt of glamour, of fashion: the ultimate antidote to a childhood spent hiding. But after being here for four months it’s become apparent that those things cost too much to acquire. The constant barrage of abuse and sexting amid near poverty, the mild PTSD, a recently re-excavated canyon of fat-phobia, and a ban from every Union Market in the city (I was caught stealing an orange and a wheel of Brie a few weeks back because I couldn’t afford to eat—and now a picture of me is tacked behind the cash registers looking like the definition of haggard). It’s just too high a price to pay.

“For glamour? For fashion?” Crystal screeches into my head. “Who did I raise you to be, young theydy5? I’m horrified. I sacrificed everything for glamour: I ran away from my gorgeous family palace in Russia in 1917 and was never found again, because I could live without my family, sure, but I couldn’t live without my glamour.”

Maybe Crystal’s right. A life of abuse for a big life in New York and a green card: a golden ticket to lift me out of my regular life and deliver me to a movie set, the movie set, upon which I can set the extraordinary life I’ve planned.

With said green card I’ll finally become Carrie but not annoying, Hannah but not a racist.6 I will be the twenty-four-year-old who moved to New York, against all advice, and actually made it. It won’t be long until I am one of those rich gays with a penthouse in TriBeCa who collects art and wears tortoiseshell glasses and goes to Miami Basel every year and gets a GLAAD award and still, somehow, despite all that success, remains politically radical.

Now it’s officially Christmas break. In an hour or so Eve will be on a plane to Australia with Jared, so my nightly sext duties are suspended. I feel a little abandoned by him, to be frank.

Gonna go back to bed and wank over memories of sext conversations with Jared. Will go wash the sheets tomorrow.

21st December / le 21 décembre

Few things make a queen twirl like vintage Madonna. No, wait. I shouldn’t be reductive, because then I’m just the same as pretty much every single media portrayal of anything LGBTQIA+ or aligned.7 For some queens (and also some queers, femmes, butches, bull dykes, trans women, transvestites, faggots, trans men, asexuals, leather daddies, fisting pigs, campy twinks, aromantics, bisexuals, and radical faeries) the ideal tonic might not be a Madonna: it could be a Judy or a Lady Gaga, a George Michael or a Beyoncé, the Cure or a niche riot grrrl group who should be way more famous than they are, or a Lou Reed or an Alaska Thunderfuck.

But for me, a proud cliché: Madonna. She’s always been an escape route when things feel uncertain, going all the way back to this noise that set me aflame as a child. Generally I’ll take all Madonna, but right now it’s “Ray of Light,” to which I’ve just finished spinning around in silver lamé boots that chafe my thighs, leaving them looking like uncooked bacon. I’m wearing a red wig and a lime-green muumuu that has dried sperm down the back from a story for another time. This kind of spinning has ignited a sensation I haven’t felt for a while—a deeply sexual, emotional fury just south of my belly—and it reminds me of the first time I heard “Ray of Light,” aged seven, sitting on my dog-hair-covered lounge carpet, at home in the north of England while my siblings fought over the remote. I didn’t understand that deep-belly feeling, a naive me mistaking my genetically predetermined gay love for female icons for something more innocent, such as a strange reaction to food or nerves that one of my brothers might change the channel when I’d just discovered this thing that felt as if it were just for me.

I remember being terrified of myself. Terrified and desperate to spin so fast I would hurricane through the roof and onto a giant stage with thousands of people watching me the way I was watching Madonna. Spinning the way I am now.

So much of the queer experience is spent spinning.

I remember this song as the soundtrack to my teen years, blasting out on a yellow CD player that used to skip-skip-skip if you so much as inhaled, me sitting in my room flipping through Glamour or Cosmo or Heat with my one gay friend, Matt, who used to eat giant, curdled mounds of mayonnaise off a spoon—a whole jar on some occasions—with whom I was silently in love for most of those teen years. Humming along would be our best girlfriend, Beth, who would get so rampantly drunk she would foam at the mouth and try to kiss any and all of my brothers, revealing her giant, magnificent breasts at a moment’s notice.

I remember, after fights with my parents—huge, hurtling rows full of terror and bile and homophobia and underappreciation being flung like shit from both sides—running up the stairs and climbing out of a skylight onto my jagged slate roof and whirring around to “Ray of Light,” transmitted through the crappy earphones I’d kept from a flight my family took to Ibiza, our first abroad holiday ever.

I remember turning it up on the 555 bus home from Lancaster as homophobic, mean-spirited schoolkids pelted oranges at the back of my head or dropped fag ash into my hair from their endless Lambert & Butler Blues, me in a world light years away from the top deck of that bus, imagining being adored the way I had adored Madonna back when I first saw her.

I remember listening to it as I slowly built Crystal, or she built me, ritualistically piecing us both together—her backstory, her tastes, her look—in front of a shrine I’d built to (Her) Madge(sty) in my teenage bedroom. She wouldn’t be called Crystal for another seven years, but her roots began to tangle around me way back when, listening to “Ray of Light.”

I remember kissing a boy—who had a big beard that reeked of clever queer theory books and craft beers and vegan moisturisers, and who eventually moved to France with a much older guy to do a PhD in gender studies8—in my room at university while the song and my insides glittered and exploded like fireworks.

I remember all the times this song saved me as I twirl here now on my own, spilling discount rosé all over the dark wood floors of this apartment I’m illegally subletting in New York. I’m in half drag, a demi-lewk, about to go out to an infuriatingly glamorous club that once turned away Rihanna but lets my queer friends and me in so the rich people can gawp at something interesting. I might not be on the stage, with thousands of adoring fans looking up at me the way I looked at Madonna, but I am twice as wondrous as the me watching that Madonna video two decades ago ever dreamed. That me would be thrilled to be this me.

Sometimes it takes an old song, the old song, to lure all the pieces back to yourself, back to your control, back to the same place at once.

22nd December / le 22 décembre

“I would totally die for you,” Ace told me over FaceTime. We were chatting before he went down to Suffolk with his family for Christmas.

Ace is my “best friend,” the kind of “best friend” for whom you use air quotations whenever you describe them because the truth, I am certain, is that we are both, dysfunctionally, in love. We met at university, and I spent months bitching about him behind his back because I didn’t believe a gay could be both gay, attractive, and perhaps the kindest person I’d ever met after my very own mother. But he is.

That’s one of many reasons I’m in love with him. Others include great hair, fucking hilarious, when he looks at me he sees a real person rather than a loud fag who must sing for their supper, a high, tight ass, and a smile so heartfelt you can feel pink flowers grow every time his lips crack upwards.

Before I arrived at this noisy apartment on the Lower East Side splashing around a tiny puddle of cash in a city where you can only survive if you’re swimming in wealth, before I found a job in fashion that has me wanting to never pick up a magazine again, we drove around the southeastern coast of the United States together. We ate packs of biscuits and splashed out on a Cracker Barrel to break up the long drives between states. We did stereotypical gay-love-movie type things such as sit in fields full of long grass and smoke and talk about shit like Why Gay Men Love Female Pop Stars and Will Lady Gaga’s New Album Be Any Good and Can Straight People Be Queer and Our Sexual History (testing the ground of our sexual future). Of course, we did not arrive at that sexual future by the end of the trip, and now our relationship is playing out in a blur of crackly pixels three times a week.

“I would totally die for you.”

I’m not sure if it was a spontaneous expression of true love or a manipulative technique to check my allegiances after I was audibly bummed out and cold when he told me he had a date. Who goes on a date three days before Christmas?

“Sure. I would die for you, too, totally. But I wouldn’t drown,” I replied, edged by Crystal to smugly test his limits.

“Oh, charming. Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t think to save you first if a plane was going down. Like, I’d affix my oxygen mask before yours and dive out onto the inflatable slide first. Removing heels, obviously. Dying in flight is just my idea of hell. But for the most part, I’d die for you.”

Then we said goodbye. Then he hung up, bouncing offline to go on his date, which I decide is doomed. I also decide I’m being unfair because I’m the one who moved to New York “forever.” Maybe finding someone who could love me enough to die for me in all but one scenario is a better promise than monogamy, which will inevitably fall apart if statistics are anything to go by. Especially among the gays: we’re clearly allergic to intimacy.

Feeling bereft, I decided to take my sorrow onto the fire escape and smoke seven cigarettes, steeping in my loneliness. I miss Ace. I miss my friends at home, painfully, my casually confident demeanour of “I’m killing it out here” fading with every tabaccoey toke at the thought of them spread out across London, or Lancaster or Manchester or Newcastle, sitting outside bars in Soho, or at the Sun, our old Lancaster haunt, or on their couches watching Gogglebox, chain-smoking and talking about radical queer politics or whether they want pasta-pesto or a takeout for dinner, cloaked in colours and sequins, dressing gowns and slippers, no make-up, or make-up a few slicks too heavy.

I hope with a bursting wishfulness that they are thinking of me.

23rd December / le 23 décembre

I’m going out tonight so I spent the better part of the afternoon getting into a full face. Day to day I’ve been wearing less face than usual—a lip stain here, a highlight there—probably because Eve enjoys taking a verbal jab whenever the make-up gets a little cakey, which it does. But it’s the big one tonight before the scene shuts down for Christmas, so I wanted to do full drag-queen-with-a-beard realness. I left myself three and a half hours, and for the first time in my life, I’m ready early.

So I’m sitting, staring at my make-up bag—messy, glitter coated, jangled from four years travelling coast to coast, across the ocean, in and out of makeshift dressing rooms that are actually loos, up and down stairs, in the boot of countless cars. I love my make-up bag.

My make-up bag. The passport that contains a bunch of crèmes, potions, polyfilla, and over-the-counter drugs that diminish the muscles of an overbearing gender binary, allowing me to wrestle it down, even just for a night. These tools are the hardware that allows me to finally live out my childhood fantasies, every one. They’re also margin comments in a history book, connecting me to the radical queens, queers, butch dykes, and trans folk who fought for me to be able to paint my face the way I want to paint it and wear it out in the world. In my make-up bag are thousands of tricks for me to cover the scars of my teenage acne, or the slice on my chin, from a homophobic attack, that has never quite healed. I love the scars in some ways, but having the devices to cover them allows me to dictate their mark upon me.

In my make-up bag are missing pieces and extra bits—given, received, and shared between my drag sisters and me like heirlooms, like gifts from Christmas crackers. We are reminded of one another whenever we use them. In my make-up bag are hairs cut from the long hair of a drag king friend to make a beard, strewn, unwanted, but so integral to the history this kit holds. In my make-up bag is a kind of self-care that makes you totally healed, a complete person, even if just for a night.

In my make-up bag is an ode to the women who gave me a femininity to explore but not to parody (that’s just terrible, lazy drag). In my make-up bag is jewellery given to me by my friend who was so desperate for me to be kinder to myself that she found things to make me sparkle. And while it’s so easy to talk about colours, powders, primers, highlighters (yum! fave!) with a kind of Zoella level of soullessness, make-up is—to me, to many of us—not an extravagant stockpile of excessive frippery but something that unveils my glory as it veils my face. In a world where power is usually taken from us, make-up lets us draw our battle lines.

Make-up is also a means to writing in a secret language, misunderstood and disregarded by boring dudes who think make-up is “gay,” which allows us to communicate with one another silently or with floods of Facebook messages about Kat Von D’s new matte lipstick. My make-up bag is a kit that allows me to create an illusion that is closer to the truth than the face I was born wearing. While people question whether wearing make-up is antifeminist (much like they question drag), make-up is, ultimately, about choice, about allowing yourself to choose how the world sees you. The same can be said for not wearing any, especially if you’re expected to by society. People bandy about terms such as fake, but choosing how you want to look is the definition of authentic.

PERFORMANCE MEMO: Amanda Lepore said to me, in a club last night, “Most icons are dead and their image is frozen in time, so I froze mine—blond, red lips, body. Now when you see even this silhouette, you know it’s me. And that’s iconic.”

24th December / le 24 décembre

Last night was glorious. We ran in a big bunch and circled the bars and the loos and the dance floor like a murder of spangled crows, ready to pick off anyone who shot us even the faintest hint of a stink eye. After I was dropped off by a few friends who were headed my way, I walked one block alone and instantly felt the real world prickle back into existence.

In a single block I was met with nearly every type of response a drag queen alone on a night-time street seems to invoke. From “Yassss, quaine!” to “Jimmy, check out that fag,” from a popped tongue to a head shaken in disgust, I kept pacing, urged to safety by Crystal, who, through necessity, has become a pro at escaping attacks.

“Keys between the fingers, queen. And if one of them comes close, aim the stiletto heel for the eyeball,” she instructs as my heart near tears through my red-sequinned dress.

A lot of things change when you’re in drag. Of course, the way you feel about yourself changes. Yes, I feel empowered to take up space; I feel momentarily at peace with my gender; I feel emotionally in sync with other femme and non-binary bodies around me and before me; I feel grateful for my forebears. But perhaps, most prominently, I feel scared. Especially when I’m on the street.

The problem is that when you paint on this barrier, people no longer see you as a person: in drag you’re either sub- or superhuman. By building a new face and transgressing binary lines of gender, you become a visible outlier. People assume many things that they wouldn’t assume about other, plain-clothes folk. And they have the gall to comment on it. People assume we’re all fabulous; we’re all loud; we’re all here for your consumption and entertainment; we’re all here because we aren’t good at other things, because we couldn’t get a real job—yet they expect you to turn a show or a look better than any other person who enters the club.

People assume we’ll take any sexual advance we can get, while also assuming that we’re too freaky to be sexual with—often evidenced by men in cars who kerb-crawl you, then shout at you the moment you tell them to back off. People assume that we’re a little dumb, an accessory, a stunning prop for a brilliant Instagram post. People think we want to go shopping, that we live in hovels underground (although, to be fair, given the economics of performance work, most of the queens I know do), and that we’re self-involved—bitchy, even. Sure, the face of drag is resilience and strength. The face of drag is funny. The face of drag is powerful. It’s critical and catty and mean and often problematic. But the heart of drag, in my experience, is something warm, kind, healing, and vulnerable.

* * *

I arrived home, make-up peeling off from one-block’s worth of adrenalised sweat. I raced up the stairs of my Lower East Side sublet, terrified I’d meet an attacker in the stairwell. Keys, door, lights on. Check every single cupboard and cranny for potential attackers. Crystal has had many hits out against her, and that paranoia often creeps into my reality.

“When you’ve had eight high-profile divorces and have been through the witness protection program seven times, you know to check the cupboards first, darling.”

Text the others to tell them I’m home safe, and they all text back. Going out in drag is great, but getting back unscathed is even better.

25th December / le 25 décembre

Every year I think how funny it is that so many Christian denominations (not all, I know) hate gays but love Christmas. Like, aren’t they basically the same thing? Tinsel? Gay. Gifting? We perfected it. A guy with major abs on a cross? That’s gay BDSM 101.

It’s a weird time for queers, really—the whole day, the whole tradition built around a religion that some use to perpetuate the idea that gays aren’t chill. Love the sinner, hate the sin, you know. Add to this the fractious relationships so many queer and LGBTQIA+ folk have with their families, and the Christmas turkey tastes much, much drier for us ’mos.

Many of us don’t even have family to go to on account of severed ties, chopped messily by the homo-, trans-, bi-, queerphobia that often abounds from the families of people like me. For something so camp, so apparently joyful, Christmas can be as emotionally tangled as the fairy lights you chuck in the bottom of the decorations box year on year.

I’m a lucky queer in that over the Christmases of recent years, after the spiral-of-existential-desperation-to-click-my-heels-and-disappear-dread that was my teens came to a close, I have developed a special relationship with my special family. I’m fortunate to be tight with my close relations, but the holidays proffer a different kind of loneliness, one brought on through everyone’s misunderstanding of who you are. It’s nobody’s fault, but the more I progressed into life as a full-on queer, the more it became evident that some integral parts of me were not to be mentioned at the Turkey Table. While we all chat kids and weddings, we don’t chat HIV activism or the powers of radical sex; we don’t chat gender or whether RuPaul’s transmisogyny renders her legacy obsolete.

All the burning queer politics or the nights spent in repeat motion—unsticking your wobbly heels or battered Docs from the Red Bull– and ecstasy-plastered dance floors of gay bars, hoping to suck anyone’s dick—disappear around normative folk. A very Wizard of Ozzy kind of concussion. You feel infantilised and misunderstood, as if you’ve got a thousand secrets scantily concealed just under the surface, because even though everyone knows you’re the things you are, they don’t know the things that come with who you are.

But this year I’m here in New York and, like some kind of Christmas cliché, missing my family. I especially miss my dad, and my mum and her Christmas dinner. Her four different types of potato, two types of carrot, parsnips, two types of stuffing, bread sauce, and, even the worst bit, the turkey. One time, when I worked on a farm for pocket money, I had to wank off tons of male turkeys (toms or gobblers, as we call them in the trade) to get them to spaff their loads into rubber tubes. Turns out fattened Christmas turkeys can’t and/or don’t have the energy to fuck, so we had to do it for them.9 It sounds humiliating, but weirdly, once you’ve wanked off one turkey, you just feel proud to be part of the circle of turkey life, the wonder of the Christmas mass-slaughter.

I spent the day alone, watching bad Christmas movies and masturbating over Heath Ledger as the Joker, which is deeply unfestive and probably problematic. I facetimed my family while they ate Christmas dinner, but that just made me feel farther away, so I ate some fried chorizo and hummus and thought about home. I popped out to the diner on the corner of my street, Norfolk and East Houston, but it was closed, so I walked around the Lower East Side and chatted to two homeless women for about twenty minutes. They were genius, drunk and singing “Fairytale of New York,” to which they knew none of the words except “faggot,” “maggot,” and “NYPD choir.”

I got home and it was dark and I sat on my fire escape for a good hour, thinking of nothing but thinking that if anyone could see me, they would think I was thinking about something big. I sent a few of my friends Happy Queermas texts, offering some queer solidarity on this strange old day. Glamrou, my sister in Denim, my drag troupe back in London—one of my best friends, and an Iraqi immigrant drag queen who hates Christmas more than me, responded with “Happy Queermas baby! It’s such a fucking white queerphobic day. Have been feeling lonely throughout. Thinking of you xxx.”

It made me feel less lonely knowing someone else was feeling lonely, too. Gonna go to bed and google Tumblr big dick windmill.

27th December / le 27 décembre

Sometimes when I’m on my own, I eat my bogies. Of all the things in my life, I think this is the thing I feel most shame about. And I once made out with my dog, in a genuinely sexual way, when I was eleven.

29th December / le 29 décembre

Laurie is this guy I’ve been fucking for the last two days—since yesterday morning, when I got so bored that I trotted right to Grindr and met this guy who’s a “shoe designer” between seasons.

Everything about Laurie is everything I hate about people: he’s incredibly self-involved, he loves craft coffee and honestly has fifteen different ways of making it, he can’t design shoes for toffee but describes himself as if he’s as important to culture as Samantha Mumba or Jenny Holzer. He has loads of tattoos—none of which are ironic, all of which he describes as “pieces” with genuine earnestness—and he wears cycling hats even though he doesn’t cycle. Pros, although few and far between, are that he’s got a perfect six-and-a-half-inch dick with girth that seems custom-designed to tessellate with my once-tight (now tightish) bum hole; he has a nice dog10 and an interesting collection of zines; he has enough money to order us takeout so we don’t have to leave the house for literally two days; and he doesn’t seem to take issue with my being a drag queen, even though it’s clear he doesn’t like me either.

But the fucking. Neither of us can deny that the fucking feels better than your parents telling you they’re proud of you. It’s all so base: pissy, cummy, sweaty, pounding, and both of us cumming a minimum five times a night. It’s full of sexual aggression, to which we are both consenting: he asks, I say yes, he spanks me with a steel-toecap boot, and I push back in a way that reads “harder.” I’ve lost count of the times he’s choked me with his perfect cock and punched me in the face while doing it.11

Earlier this evening, the door clacked. It was Laurie, wearing a pair of his own shoes—one of which featured an appliquéd picture of a screw and the other of which was appliquéd with a giant letter U (get it?). I looked at them trying not to gip, then looked him up and down, realising it was the first time I’d seen him dressed and he was wearing boot-cut jeans. “Get them off,” I said, 20 per cent because we were about to fuck, 80 so I wouldn’t have to look at them anymore.

We opened the wine he brought, a claggy red, and drank it on the bed from the bottle. Then things got weird. He undressed, I undressed, he asked if he could keep his shoes on. I said, “Ah, I’m worried about the sheets,”12 so he flicked them off. I was hard, he was hard, and I was getting ready to take his wonderful gift in my wonderful gift receiver, when he put a finger to my lips and murmured, “Wait a sec,” in his nasal Ohio accent, and dashed to the bathroom.

I waited, as told, with my finger pressing on my bum hole, in truth thinking about Ace and not even a bit about Laurie.

Lo and behold, Laurie reemerged in the doorway to my bedroom in a grease-smudged head-to-toe gimp outfit13 in deep black rubber, a funnel and a tube to his mouth for me to—so he hoped—urinate into, and a zip from the belly button to the lower back offering access to all areas.

My first thought was that he hadn’t brought a bag. “How did you get that here?” I asked, to which I heard a rubber-muffled, “Hmm mmmmh cuhmmtp ppmmmkt,” which I translated as “In my coat pocket.” I then wondered why that was the first thing I’d thought about—the practicalities of the transportation of the piss-funnel-gimp-suit he hadn’t even taken the time to polish, rather than that he wanted me to get gimpy with him. Disclaimer—I’m not shaming gimps here; I love a gimp suit. What I’m shaming is his audacity in not even checking whether I was up for a good gimping.

“I lived as a gimp for fourteen years,” Crystal reminds me, as I lie here in shock. “For a president, actually. Won’t say who, but let’s just say … Watergate. What a wild ride.”

Before I knew it, Laurie had launched himself onto my sheets, which I was at this point genuinely worried about, and was holding both of my legs up in the air as if I were a roast duck hanging from a meat hook in a restaurant in Chinatown. How was he lifting half my body weight? Why was I thinking that? His cock started poking out of the zip, like a snail from its shell, and he was about to ram it in me, no lube or anything.

I asked him to stop—“It’s all got a bit flustered”—but he carried on. I don’t know if it’s because he couldn’t hear me through all the fucking rubber, but I asked him three times and he was still teasing my hole with his big purple bell-end, ready to thrust it in there quicker than you can say any safe word.

“Knee to the balls, baby! It worked on James Dean.”

Fourth time: “Stop.” Fifth time and I was feeling edgy. Sixth time, “Stop,” and I felt his bell-end beginning to push through the tightish resistance of my now totally clammed-up butt hole.

I swiftly jerked backwards and started slapping his cock hard while shouting, “I!” Slap. “Said!” Slap. “No!” Slap. “No!” Slap. “No!” I chased him across the room as he backed out of the bedroom door, the sticky rubber pulling the expensive Calvin Klein bed blanket—that’s, frankly, scratchy—that I was entrusted with looking after at all costs with him as he went, his sight obscured by the two tiny holes in his gimp mask.

He left, quickly.

“How did he get changed in such record time? It’s like that time I won the gold in the hundred metres for Bavaria.”

I have no idea, but I think we need to stop thinking about things that aren’t immediately important, especially when I have a gimp coming at me.

Then, a good three minutes later, he came back, knocking at the door—I shit you not—to get the remnants of his wine.

Looking back on all my close encounters of the anal kind, I can’t remember any of their faces, names, bodies—dicks, I can remember the dicks—or any of their defining features. Laurie’s, too, will disappear in a week or so. What I can remember, however, is how I felt when I did the deed. Like when I was upset about this guy not texting back so I got hammered and swallowed the cum of three men aged sixty-plus, one after the other, in an alleyway near my house. Or the time I fucked a primary-school teacher in Hong Kong who offered me “ice” (which I declined even though Crystal was up for it), then took me into a custom porn-making room where we made a keepsake DVD of him fucking me doggy-style,14 and I remember nothing about him or it; I just remember feeling particularly thin that day, and hence I jumped at the chance to make a DIY home porno.

I think about the straight boys at university, high school, even primary school, who took advantage of my evident gayness to try to solve the puzzle of their sexuality, how I just felt glad to be someone’s receptacle, that someone would want me in that way even though once one of them spunked in my mouth and eye during lunch break, then told me, “I’ll slit your fucking faggot throat,” if what we’d done ever got out. I still don’t remember much about him, just the pleasurable mix of shame, power, and terror he left in his wake—feelings that stayed at the forefront of my wank bank for years to come. Funny how shame can be pleasurable.

“But then again, so can bathing an anal herpes sore, and that’s not good for you, is it, honey?”

My sex life is so rooted in shame: seeking acts that will cause me some great feeling of pain or worthlessness because, I dunno, perhaps I think I deserve it. Then I tell the story to friends who’ve lived similar things in order not to internalise it.

But kicking Laurie out was growth, I think.

I went into the bathroom to wash my face and the sweat off my butt hole, and there on the floor was Laurie’s funnel, and for some reason the sight of it made me instantly erect.

30th December / le 30 décembre

It was fucking freezing this morning so I smoked inside, which was a terrible idea because I then had to leave the apartment to buy air freshener, for which I had no money. But then I found a fucking ten! In the corridor outside the door. I thanked a God I don’t even believe in. Lily finally picked up the phone. She was getting ready to go visit her “academic friend in Boston,” who is this Harvard PhD guy who’s obsessed with her, and who wants to take magic mushrooms with her and have wild, trippy sex with her.

I first met Lily on the street outside the Natural History Museum uptown, just after I’d arrived in New York. She’d just taken a bunch of mushrooms and was sliding out on a bench just off Central Park, and I was getting to grips with the city, which essentially meant walking around and thinking about all the gays who’d had sex here, what scene in Sex and the City happened where, and trying for the life of me to work out why everyone thinks Bloomingdale’s is any good.

As we sat there on a bench just outside Central Park, Lily spilled the tea on everything New York. “The park is for rich people and tourists, unless you’re a leather daddy who wants to bum or be bummed. Are you?”

“Maybe,” I’d said.

“Ummm, fucking definitely,” Crystal said.

I didn’t know. I was just trying to seem chill about everything, up for anything, but, to be totally honest, I wasn’t searching for leather daddies because I was burning for Ace. Turns out, some weeks later, I would find myself getting ravaged in the ass in the park: in an unexpected twist I found myself in the Ramble, where I picked up a leather daddy (Lily was right) who took great pleasure in “pounding that chub hole.” I was pretty slighted by his liberal use of the word chub—“C’mon, chub, suck daddy’s cock,” “C’mon, chub, sit on papa’s dick,” “C’mon, chub, you want daddy’s load?”—as I was feeling particularly thin that day, but I took it nonetheless because I was living for the whole Louis-getting-bummed-on-the-Ramble-in-Angels-in-America-degradation-realness-vibe. Thinking the whole time, “God, I’m so New York!”—as this chub-loving daddy worked out his baby issues on my booty.

I helped Lily pick outfits for her trip, over the phone.

“There’s the black latex, which looks good with the purple marabou jacket?” she puzzled. At that, I told her I was having a slightly off moment with latex and explained what had happened with Laurie.

She insisted on coming over. I protested, but she insisted. We ate almonds and pears and split a Butterfinger (my favourite) and talked about different awful experiences we’ve had with sex—some hilarious, some heartbreaking—and what they each stem from in context for her as a heterosexual trans woman, and for me as a non-binary homosexual drag queen.

“For me it’s this constant fetishisation,” Lily complained. “People on these dating apps are always obsessed with what I’ve got down there—which is none of their goddamn business. Like, if you get that far, you should be so fucking lucky. And the number of men I’ve had call me a ‘chick with a dick’ or ‘their fantasy’ or approach me to do porn … is … it’s fucking outrageous.”

Lily is an incredibly beautiful woman. Today she was wearing thigh-high Balenciaga spandex boots in black, at which we both frequently stared in silence, interrupting our conversation. She has perfectly manicured nails, beautiful silky underwear, and her long black hair is always blown out, and each one has the width of a piece of spun silk. She’s very aware of her passing privilege as a trans woman, explaining that she feels both overwhelming guilt and overwhelming pride at what her transition looks like. She has impeccable taste. I always wonder what it would be like to have grown up with impeccable taste—a wardrobe full of archive Margiela tabis and the lipstick-print skirts from Prada SS00. I guess to do so you need a little money, and my family was pretty cashless. I spent a good few years developing my personal style—but little money and less taste resulted in a kind of Only Gay in the Village style, there in my northern, not-quite-a-seaside town.

“I feel like a trick—like I’m either tricking men into sleeping with me, or like I’m a trick they can bring up with their friends to prove how kinky they are. It’s fucked—I want intimacy, like, not just a shag and a token pair of Miu Miu sunglasses as a thank-you; I want to be touched, like, emotionally.”

“At least you get Miu Miu,” I gassed, before asking her about Jeremy.

“He’ll never leave his wife. She and the kids get Daddy for the weekend, and I get Daddy in the week—I get Daddy in the office, Daddy in the shower, Daddy in the bedroom, bathroom, living room, in the pussy and in the butt hole.” Truth is Jeremy’s a total arsehole, but he’s good to Lily and so I let it lie.

We smoked a spliff. Then I was sick because we’d had wine and weed and I did what I always do, which is what they call a whitey. Last time I pulled a whitey was on my road trip with Ace, which was the first and only time I revealed that I love him, while vomiting into the lap of my drop-hem floral skirt, while he tried to find a place to pull over. We never talked about it again. After I vomited up all those nuts and Butterfingers, Lily lay down in bed next to me—asking with alarm why there were crispy patches on the sheets.

31st December / le 31 décembre

Woke up to a text from Ace:

Hi my queen! Will have to miss FaceTime tonight as I’m going to a New Year’s party with William of all people…! Unsure whether it’s a date, will report back tomorrow. Love you lots, Happy New Year beautiful xxxx

William is Ace’s ex of four years ago, an ex who seems to crop up everywhere. He’s an incredibly handsome, thin, floppy black-haired, very cool East London boy whose demeanour flexes towards the masc, and he’s read a lot of books, which I, unless they’re by Jackie Collins or another niche gender philosopher, haven’t. He’s essentially the polar opposite of me: a northern drag queen with a flabby Lancashire accent and an even flabbier belly. As I spiral into self-hatred, the following thoughts do backflips about my skull:

Maybe I’ve made this whole romance thing up? I’ve done it before.

Why would someone like Ace want to date me? He’s got a six-pack, for God’s sake.

Why didn’t I take the chance to kiss him ages ago before I was, most definitely, friend-zoned?

Am I mad? I’m mad. Well, he doesn’t deserve me.

Maybe I am just, at the heart of it all, completely unlovable.

“William is fucking boring compared to you, so Ace can make his bed and fucking suck a dick in it.”

Crystal’s advice is often terrible, or at least totally financially impractical, but in times such as these she smudges her drag lens across everything, reminding me I’m a star, I’m iconic, even if nobody else sees what she sees.

She’s me, of course, all of these thoughts coming from the same place, but in my head are two distinct inner monologues, one of reason and one of stardom. When they converge, it’s perfect, but when they don’t, it’s often because she’ll be pushing me to do or say the thing I really want to say, and the “real” me doesn’t dare say it. Drag is arduous, tiring, expensive, but I’m so glad I built that extra inner me.


Copyright © 2019, 2020 by Tom Rasmussen