1
The guard was laughing at me.
This was not part of the plan.
We’d only just begun and already this heist was heading south. Or this job, as my family phrased it. Heist sounded too unethical, and after all, the point of a job was to make money—and that’s what we were doing. Making money. Whether or not it was legal … well, that was inconsequential.
Today’s illustrious venue: the Solar Hall in the Grand Treasury of the icy planet Vaotis.
The plan: While my parents and cousins were busy doing what they did best—skulking in the catacombs, preparing to pull off the biggest robbery in Saros family history—I was in the lobby, doing what I absolutely did not do best, despite my mother forcing me into the role during a shouting match this morning over breakfast. I was given the arduous task of distracting the head security guard. And I was failing.
Hard.
I often thought of my family’s crime empire as belonging to a secret club, and right now, I was dangerously close to having my membership revoked.
“Just hear me out, sir, please. I’m not trying to sell anything, just take a pamphlet.”
I shoved a stack of freshly printed flyers at the guard’s chest as he loomed over me. All the inhabitants of Vaotis were tall enough to double as skyscrapers, their skin the brownish gray of sludge, thick enough to combat the harsh elements outside the opulent treasury doors. “You may be unaware, but Vaotis is neglecting thousands of innocent creatures every single day. We at the A.R.S.E., that is, the Alliance for the Rescue of Slugs and Eels, are giving a home to the homeless, a voice to the voiceless. They make excellent companions, you know, and we are encouraging all citizens to consider adopting one of these cuddly, docile—”
“You’re wasting my time is what you’re doing,” the guard said in garbled Isolat, the common universal dialect. He ripped one of the flyers into a dozen pieces and scattered them at my feet. Irritation sizzled through me. Slugs made me gag. Eels made me cringe. But stars, I had worked hard designing those fake posters, too hard to stand idly by and watch them be desecrated.
The guard sighed. “I don’t want nothing to do with your arse—”
“A.R.S.E.,” I retorted.
“Right. That. It’s ludicrous. Girl, the last solicitor who couldn’t take a hint and leave when they were ordered to mysteriously found that their head had come unattached from their body.”
Beeeeep! At the mention of decapitation, a tiny, frightened sound rose up from behind me.
“What is that?” The guard’s lip curled as he finally noticed the little robot hiding behind my legs. “Is that an EL-102.5? That model is ancient. You’d be better off junking it.”
“How dare you!” I drew Elio against me, clapping my hands over his long, floppy ears. His appearance was humanoid from the neck down, but the rest of him resembled an Earthan bunny rabbit, with a bulbous silver head, a black button nose, and huge blue sensors for eyes. He had been a part of my family for decades. Most definitely long enough to make him incredibly sensitive about how outdated his android body was.
I tensed as the guard reached out to poke Elio’s dented forehead. “Where did you get that thing, anyway? Definitely not on Vaotis.”
“Neptune,” I blurted before my mind could catch up with my mouth. “The dark side. At an antique sale last year.”
Elio twitched at the word antique.
The guard stroked his pointed chin. The dark side of Neptune was a dismal wasteland, not exactly a prime destination for … antiquing. While he mulled that over, I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall above the doors, wondering when I would receive the comm on my wristband letting me know that my family had made it into the vaults below the treasury. They should have been there by now.
“Wasn’t aware they sold bots on Neptune,” the guard grunted. He placed one hand lightly on the blaster strapped to his belt, and I felt my pulse quicken. But he only chuckled. “Get out of here, child, while I’m still in a good mood.”
“But wait! The A.R.S.E.—”
He turned to go. “I’ve had enough of your arse, girl.”
“No, wait! I don’t think you understand just how dire the situation is.” I hurried after him as he headed for the security desk, which displayed a whole slew of monitors that I really didn’t want him looking at right now. “We’re raising awareness for the Relief of the, uh, Alliance … No, wait. The Alliance Rescue for the…”
Oh, crap. What did I name this fake organization again?
“Alliance for the Rescue of Slugs and Eels,” Elio whispered behind me.
“Yes!” I snapped my fingers. “That! Listen, sir, I know that as a species they may be a little slimy, but they’re really quite sweet and desperately in need of your attention. In fact, if you’d just review the pamphlet again, you’ll find that arse—”
“I thought it was A.R.S.E.?” Elio whispered urgently.
“Not. Helping,” I hissed back at him.
I slammed my hands on the guard’s desk just as he started to examine the cameras. “Hey! Listen to me!” I screeched, forcing a group across the lobby to pause and watch the spectacle. The louder I yelled, the more guards would be drawn to the lobby to detain me, and the better chance my family would have of making it in and out of the vault undetected. Hit ’em when they’re not looking, that’s what my mother always said.
But it was one thing to be a nuisance, to be the reason that ten million ritles of gold would successfully vanish into my family’s hands without a trace—it was another thing entirely to do the job well.
My hands shook as the guard eyed me up and down before switching his beady gaze to Elio. The aura around the Vaotin flickered in shades of deep mulberry, telltale signs of frustration. My stomach balled into knots; if Elio and I pushed him too far, if we got on his last nerve and he actually had us arrested, we were going to be so screwed.
“Elio.” I cleared my throat, glancing at the guard’s name tag. “Tell this nice man, uh, Roo, all about your experience with A.R.S.E.”
But it was official, Roo’d had enough of us.
“Look, strange child, junky android, if you don’t walk out those doors right now I’ll—”
Beep!
Copyright © 2020 by Danielle Banas.
