Chapter 1
Every memory is real, but not all are based on fact. Time, forgetfulness, emotional need—any of these things can chip away at memory. But what if a memory is wrong from the start? What if what you think you saw, isn’t what was there at all?
This is why I love my camera. It is never wrong. It captures facts and stores them. This frees me to live in the moment and move on to the next with the knowledge that the first is preserved. Since coming to New York, I’ve documented snowstorms and floods. I’ve taken pictures of strangers and friends, the streets where I walk, the markets where I shop. I even photographed my way through childbirth—well, until the very end, when my doctor banished my Nikon from the birthing bed. And recording my daughter’s life? I have thousands of photos of Joy. On the first day of school each year, we look back at what she wore on the first day of school the year before and the year before that. Inevitably we’ve forgotten. But there it is in vivid detail.
That isn’t to say detail can’t be fudged. I do this every day, photographing real estate in a way that shows a home to potential buyers as something bigger, brighter, more alluring. Angles, lenses, creative lighting—these are the stock of my trade. Deceptive, perhaps. But much of marketing is.
Right now, though, after spending my working day photographing a Tribeca condo from every imaginable angle in the shifting city light, I’m playing at home. It’s just past nine at night. The skyline isn’t fully dark, not this close to the longest day of the year, but the air is heavy and moist, as early June in New York can be, turning what might have been a purple sunset into elongated smudges of gray. Fog is on the move, enfolding my building like a hug from behind, before slipping on past. As I watch, it blankets the Hudson and mists around Fort Lee on the far bank, before drifting north to the George Washington Bridge like just another commuter heading home.
My condo is on the fortieth floor overlooking Riverside Drive. I paid more for it than I should have, but a river view was a must. I’ve always needed open space, not a lot, just enough. As long as I have that, I can breathe.
Swiveling the head of my tripod lower, I focus on the steady stream of traffic, which grows more vibrant with the deepening dusk. I’ve taken this same shot hundreds of times—maybe thousands—but it’s never the same twice. Like the tide leaving ripples on sand, I think as I wait, remote in hand, for the right second.
Photography has taught me how to wait. It has also taught me how to focus on that single subject and ignore everything else. This doesn’t come naturally to me. As the middle of three children, I was born with peripheral vision—as in, an acute awareness of my sisters above and below, my parents, our home and friends, and my precarious place in it all. Limiting myself to one scene at a time, as my camera does, has been huge.
The fog thickens on the street below. I wait until diffused headlights and taillights reappear, wait again when I hear a siren, then follow the blue strobe through the shift of vehicles. When I’m content, I turn north, wait for the best mix of fog, steel towers, and double-tiered lights, then shoot again.
“What’s the bridge doing?” Joy asks from the far end of the sofa, and I smile. She would know what the Nikon and I see. We’re connected that way, my thirteen-year-old daughter and I. And this is a game we often play.
“Floating. I can’t see its legs.” Leaving the bridge, I find her reflection in the glass. With the rest of the lights off, her tiny book light is little more than a faint glow on the pink baby dolls that were her new favorites from the vintage store in the Village. But that glow isn’t as warm as it would have been reflecting off paper.
Suspicious, I slide in beside her, angled to see her book. She starts to close it, makes a small sound, and stops. She knows that I’ve already seen what she was trying to hide, that her book light is clamped to the edge of Great Expectations but that tucked inside the bigger book is her Kindle. Close up now, I see page forty-four of Garth Stein’s The Art of Racing in the Rain.
“But, but, but,” I stutter, tipping my face up to see her, “this was on our us reading list. We were supposed to read it together.” Read it aloud, actually. When Joy was little, I always read aloud with her tucked up close, and somehow I just never stopped. The books have changed, and the older she gets, the more challenged I am to make my voice fit different characters. I’d been looking forward to being a dog.
“Well, I couldn’t not read the first page, and then I had to read the second,” she reasons. “Isn’t that what you always say, that if you want to keep reading, it’s the sign of a good book? Olivia Mattson says this one’s dumb, like who wants to know what a dog thinks, but I’m not sure how she knows anything about it, because her totally self-absorbed mother doesn’t read—”
“Joy.”
“It’s true. Her mother makes lots of money and can afford to buy any book she wants—can afford to buy the bookstore—and she doesn’t read? And anyway, Olivia has the mind of a squirrel, and squirrels are afraid of dogs. Besides, when Olivia doesn’t like something, I do, and here was this book, just sitting in my Kindle library? I was practically crying on page three. You know what happens?”
She isn’t really asking. She knows I know, but letting sentences end in the air started along with her period. Even beyond spoilers on Goodreads and the ardor of my friend Chrissie, there was the teary conversation about old dogs that we overheard at the Best Friends’ Animal Society in Soho.
“It’s good, Mom,” she confides. “Omigod. It’s sooo good.”
I want to talk about respecting schoolmates. But she happens to be right about Olivia Mattson’s mother, who spent the better part of fifteen minutes at a recent back-to-school night lecturing me on how to build my business into something big, how to make my brand the brand for real estate photography in Manhattan, which is the last thing I want, since it would mean hiring regular staff, relying on paid ads over word of mouth, and spending less time with Joy.
But that’s all beside the point. “What about Great Expectations?” I ask. “Your final is next week.”
“I’ll be ready, you know I will, but if you’re playing, why can’t I?”
“Because I spent six hours working today to keep you in vegan lip balm, retro clothes, and pomegranate juice, and because I’ve already graduated from middle school. Besides, I’m the mom and you’re not. I get to play. It’s a perk of growing up.”
I deliberately add the last. My daughter isn’t wild about the pressure that comes with being a teenager. Being precocious was cute in a child, not so in middle school, where social conformity is key. She wants to be either totally grown up already and able to speak her mind without being ostracized, or a child forever. We’ve had the Peter Pan discussion many times.
Rather than take the bait now, she simply says, “Do I have to stop reading this?”
I rub her shoulder with my cheek. Her fresh-from-the-shower curls, still damp and docile, smell of organic mint shampoo. “Nah. We’ll pick another to do together. Maybe one where I can be a cat,” I joke and, feeling a vibration, pull the phone from my jeans. The call is from the area code where I grew up. Just the sight of it brings a whoosh to the pit of my stomach. And at this hour? Not good. But neither my father’s name nor my sister’s appears, and I don’t recognize the number. Spam? Possibly. Or not. My father isn’t well, and given that my sister is ditsy, it could be one of his doctors. Or the hospital. Or neither.
Suspicious of the last, I click into the call expecting a robo-silence, and jerk when my name hits me fast.
“Mallory.” Not a question, but a statement in a voice that is deep and tight, familiar but not. The whoosh in my stomach becomes a twist. Rhode Island is a small state, the town of Westerly smaller, its villages even smaller. I tell myself that this voice could belong to any one of the dozens of people I’d known growing up. But my gut says something else.
Standing, I move to the far side of the tripod and say a cautious, “Yes?”
“It’s Jack.”
I know that, I think, and I barely breathe. Jack Sabathian grew up on the shore, just like us. He was my best friend once, but we haven’t talked since I left, and while his voice is older now, I feel the force of memory fighting its way through the tangle of time.
“We have a problem,” he barrels on. “Your father was just over here knocking on my door—banging on my door, like he’d break it down—and when I opened it, he let me have it.” He raises his voice to imitate. “You no-good bastard, you knew exactly what was going on, didn’t you. You probably planned the whole fucking thing with her—his language, not mine,” he puts in before becoming my father again. “You let me be investigated like I was a murderer, and you didn’t say one word, but we both know she didn’t die. Tell me where she is. I know you know. He had a gun, Mallory. He was waving a gun in my face. He swore he didn’t own one back then. So either he lied to the DA twenty years ago or he bought it after the fact, but a gun is the last thing a man like that should have. You do know that he’s sick—or are you just leavin’ the whole thing to Anne—who, by the way, is doing a lousy job, and not just with his care. The house is a mess and the bluff is falling into the sea, but unless she told you that, you wouldn’t know, because you haven’t been here to check. It isn’t your responsibility, is it? Well, hello, Mallory, it is. So here’s the thing. You need to step up to the plate. If he’s talking about that night to me, he’s probably talking about it in town. Bay Bluff may be only a tiny corner of Westerly, but the police love the coffee your sister serves in her shop. If he’s blabbing, they’ll hear—and hey, I’m all for it. He killed my mother? I want it coming out. Do you? ’Course not. So here’s a wake-up call,” the slightest pause before an accusatory, “Mallory. Either you do something about him, or they will.”
I’m spared having to respond by a decisive click, not that I could have spoken, I’m so shaken. That quickly the past is here and now. And the lump in my throat? Huge. Of the many things I’ve avoided thinking of since leaving Bay Bluff, John MacKay Sabathian is a biggie, but his angry voice brings everything back. I stand unmoving, looking at the foggy city night but seeing the ocean, the bluff, my father’s boat leaving the dock and taking with it so so so much more than just Elizabeth.
“Mom,” Joy prods with an insistence that says she has called my name several times. My eyes fly to hers. “Who was that?”
I refocus. “No one.”
“No one was shouting. He was using your name. He even said bastard. I heard it from here.”
Leaving the window, I switch on a lamp. I don’t want to see the ocean, the bluff, the boat. Jack is right. I’m leaving it all to Anne.
But my daughter is mine. I’m raising her to be different from my past. And she isn’t a baby. “It was one of your grandfather’s neighbors.”
“He only has one. Anne was saying that—remember, when she was here last time with Margo?”
Oh, I remember. We were arguing again about that night—about whether Elizabeth had jumped, fallen, or been tossed off the boat by heavy gales, and whether she could have possibly survived. Joy had already known the basics, but my sisters were full-on into bickering about infidelity, deception, and abandonment. And murder. Murder was the conversation stopper, the horror issue, the visit-breaker.
Since Joy heard all that, I figure she’s old enough to hear more. “The guy who called is Jack Sabathian. He’s Elizabeth’s son.”
Her eyes go wide. “What did he say?”
I thumb in Anne’s cell, knowing my daughter will listen in. The phone is approaching its fourth ring when my sister picks up.
“Mal?” Her voice was always higher than mine, perky and bright to my down-to-earth sensible, but here she sounds out of breath. I wonder if she was outside chasing after my father.
“What’s going on?” I ask as casually as I can.
“Uh … now? Not much. You don’t usually call at night. What’s up?” She seems innocent enough, but then, my sister is always innocent, thirty-seven going on twelve. I swear, Joy is more savvy.
“Jack Sab just called.”
Chapter 2
Anne is silent for a beat before sighing an exaggerated, “Oh, God. Jack Sabathian is a pain in the butt. He is such an alarmist, you know? He’s always telling me what I need to do to the house, and if it isn’t about the house, it’s about Dad. What’s he saying now?”
I relate the conversation, minus the imitation of our father’s voice. By the time I’m done, Joy is leaning in, ear to my ear.
“A gun?” Anne echoes. “I have never seen Dad with a gun. Why would he need a gun?” A mumble in the background tells me she isn’t alone. I’m quickly annoyed, then as quickly contrite. My sister has a right to be with friends.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I thought maybe you would. Where is he now?”
“He was reading in the den.”
When I left, she doesn’t say, but that’s what I hear. So she’s out with friends. A housekeeper comes mornings, I know that much. But this is night, and apparently Dad is alone. If I ask, Anne will insist—as she’s done whenever I’ve asked—that he’s fine, that he doesn’t need a babysitter, that he likes having time to himself.
To avoid an argument, I ask, “Is he able to read?”
“Of course he is,” she scoffs. “Well, maybe not for the long periods he used to, but his nose is always in some law journal.”
We all know—at least, Joy and I do—that a nose in a book doesn’t necessarily mean reading. But that isn’t the issue now. The issue is the phone call I just received. “Would he have gone to Jack’s?”
“He could have,” she allows, and my mind sees a shrug, like it’s no big thing dropping in on a neighbor. “I mean, I don’t lock him in when I leave the house. Can you imagine if I did that and there was a fire and he couldn’t get out? I’d never forgive myself. The poor guy has gone through so much. He’s earned the right to a little dementia, you know?”
Dementia versus Alzheimer’s—Anne and I are on opposite sides, but I’m not touching that now either. “Have you heard him talk about what happened that night?” That night was a euphemism for what the rest of Rhode Island called the Aldiss-MacKay affair.
“No,” she insists. “I told you. He doesn’t talk much.”
“You said he goes off on rants. What about?”
“Old cases.” She brightens. “It’s amazing what he remembers, Mal. He can’t tell me who came to see him yesterday, but those old cases? He’s a gold mine of legal history.”
Tom Aldiss had once been a respected judge on the Rhode Island Superior Court. He resigned from the bench six years ago—“resigned” being the word Anne uses, though given his mental decline in the years since, I suspect he was forced out. At seventy-four now, he is often confused. I see him when he and Anne come to New York for the theater, but I don’t go to Rhode Island, and he no longer travels well.
“He remembers everything,” Anne is saying, “lawyers’ names, defendants’ names, charges, findings. When he rants, it’s in that tone, like he’s wearing his robes up there on the bench and is charging the jury on a critical case.” Wistful now, she adds, “He was the best judge. These cases haunt him.”
The case of the disappearance of Elizabeth MacKay haunts us all.
Hearing that thought, Anne says, “No, Mallory, he doesn’t talk about Elizabeth. With all the ranting, he does not. That’s why I have trouble believing Jack.” Her voice lifts. “Dad comes to the shop a lot now, did I tell you?”
Anne owns a breakfast place in the square that is the heart of Bay Bluff. Sunny Side Up, she calls it, apropos of her approach to life, and although I’ve never been there myself, to hear her tell, it’s the place to be.
“I’m glad,” I say. “For a while there, he wasn’t getting out much.”
“He walks down from the house, and, okay, sometimes he winds up at the Clam Shack or the bookstore, but they always point him back to me.” She laughs. “Once he came down in his pajamas, it was cute, really. When Joe—you know, from the jeans place, well, actually you don’t know because it opened after you left, but trust me, Joe is God’s gift to tourism because he carries things tourists don’t know they need until they need them—when Joe saw him on the sidewalk in his pajamas, he pulled him inside and dressed him in a shirt and shorts so he was looking pret-ty spiffy when he got to my place.”
She seems amused. I am appalled. The Tom Aldiss we’d grown up with was a formal man who would never have left the house in his pajamas. He didn’t even come down to breakfast at home in his pajamas.
“He has a favorite table,” Anne cruises on, “and he heads straight there. I mean, it used to be a problem if it was already taken, but by now pretty much everyone knows that it’s his, so they leave it open.” Half to herself, she says, “That could be dicey with summer people. Maybe I should put a RESERVED sign there. But the shop isn’t big, and he doesn’t come every day, so I hate to waste the space.” She returns to me. “He loves the new girl I hired—did I tell you about her? She’s been in town maybe a month, but it’s like she’s been here forever. Dad gets all quiet when he sees her. If someone else has taken his table, she calms him down, sets him up at the counter, and brings his coffee and his bacon and eggs and cinnamon toast. He doesn’t take his eyes off her.”
“What about his hands?”
“What?”
“Sexual harassment.”
“Right,” Joy whispers. Her school is big on discussing that.
“Christ, Mallory,” Anne cries. “She’s barely twenty. He doesn’t touch her.”
“God, I hope not. He was a judge. People know him. They remember that night.”
“You remember that night,” my sister argues. “It’s all you have to measure life here by, but those of us who live here have moved on. No one talks about it. Trust me, there’s plenty else to discuss.”
For me, as well. “Annie, about tonight. Do you think Jack was telling the truth?”
She grunts. “Who knows. The guy has a major chip on his shoulder when it comes to our family, like we personally ruined his life or something.”
“If Dad did have a gun that night—”
“No, Mallory. He didn’t. If Dad stands for anything, it’s the truth.”
“Right.” I roll my eyes. “The whole truth and nothing but.”
“You and Margo can make fun of those words, but he lived and breathed them. If he said he didn’t have a gun that night, he didn’t have a gun. Jack has it in for us, is all. Okay, okay, his life changed that night. But so did ours.”
“He lost his mother.”
“Our parents broke up.”
“At least we knew where they were,” I reason and am gratified when Anne concedes.
“True. Not knowing what happened to her has to be bad. But at some point, you accept and move on. Jack spends hours on the beach near his boat. It’s like he wants to be ready in case he sees his mother in the waves—can you imagine, after twenty years? I feel sorry for the guy. He’s delusional. And he says Dad’s demented? Sheesh.”
“Jack can’t be all that demented if he’s a successful veterinarian.”
“Who told you he is?”
“You. How else would I know about Jack?”
“Margo,” Anne says. “She always liked him.”
I sigh. “Annie, Margo is living very happily with her husband and sons in Chicago. I doubt she’s keeping up with Jack. By the way, the Sun Times loves her. Her blog is huge. Do you ever read it?”
“No.”
It is a period meant to end the discussion, and even though I want to pursue it—to pursue anything that might bridge the gap between my sisters—this isn’t the time. “Jack said Dad was referring to Elizabeth. Does he ever do that when he’s with you?”
“No.”
“What about the house? Jack said it needed work.”
“I’m telling you, Mallory, Jack is as clueless as Dad. The house is fine. I have someone who does upkeep. He was in last week working on the plumbing, which, of course, good ole Jack Sab can’t see because no way would I let him in the house. My guy can do anything.” There is another murmur in the background, then Anne’s muffled, “You can,” before she tells me, “He’s a jack-of-all-trades, Dad would say.”
The murmur had been male, and unless my inference is all wrong, the male Anne is with is her jack-of-all trades in the flesh. That thought, paired with her breathlessness at the start of my call, brings a more worrisome one. When it comes to men, my sister Anne has notoriously poor taste.
Trying to tease, I say, “Okay, Annie, who’s there?”
“No one.”
“Bill,” comes the low voice, apparently with an ear to Anne’s phone as Joy’s ear is to mine.
“Bill who?” I ask.
“Houseman,” Anne says a little too innocently and adds, “Do you remember him?”
“Billy Houseman?” How can I not? Billy Houseman had been bad news around town from the time we were kids. “Anne,” I warn.
“He’s Bill now, new name, new leaf, new image. He’s a good guy, Mallory. But, hey, I gotta run.”
“Home to check on Dad?”
“Hint, hint,” Joy breathes.
Anne says, “In a bit. Don’t be a worrywart. I’m on top of this. Plus, you’re not here, your choice. So don’t criticize me, okay?”
She has a point there. But so do I. “I worry about you, Annie.”
“I’m fine, okay? Try trusting me for a change?” Billy—Bill—says something, but I can’t make it out, and then Anne says, “Talk soon. Bye,” and ends the call.
I stare at my phone, then at Joy. “Why is everyone hanging up on me tonight?”
“Maybe because you’re not going along, so now you know what it’s like for me,” she charges. “People want you to say what they want to hear, and when you don’t, they forget being nice.” Her brashness withers, face grows worried. “What if he does something? You know. Papa. With a gun.” Her green eyes have gone forest-dark.
“We don’t know that he has one.”
“Your guy said he did. Is he more reliable than Anne?”
“Most anyone is,” I remark and immediately feel guilt. “Anne means well. She just sees the world in a way that isn’t always realistic.”
“And the guy?”
“Jack was always honest.” Brutally so. Which is why he and I haven’t talked in twenty years. Our parting was brutally bad.
“So if Papa has a gun,” my daughter says, “there could be trouble. We need to go there, Mom.”
I go there all the time. Thundering waves are a soundtrack for every dream I have. The thought of physically going there, though, gives me heartburn.
Setting off for the kitchen, I call, “When? This is not a good time to travel.”
Joy is close behind. “Why not?”
“You have finals, for one thing, and for another, I have work.” I run the sink faucet hot. Dinner had been takeout of a veggie quiche, whose melt-over had burned onto the rim of the pie plate in which I’d heated it. I’d left it soaking, knowing it would be a hassle to clean, but I’m suddenly in the mood to scrub.
Joy leans into the counter, which means very close to me in our tiny kitchen. She is barely an inch shorter than my five-six, though her curls more than make up the difference. Those curls were damp when we settled in at the window, but air-drying, they’ve grown bigger by the minute. Seeming fragile beneath them, she says, “School finishes next week—”
“—and your internship starts right after that.”
“Scooping kitty litter in a cat café,” she drones.
I glance her way in surprise. “I thought you wanted that job.”
“I do, but it’s only a couple of hours a day, no pay—”
“Of course, no pay, you’re only thirteen, and what about Willard?” Her piano teacher.
“He’ll be away, too, remember? This is perfect, Mom. No school, no piano, no need for me to be at the cat café exactly next week. You cut back on bookings to spend time with me. Why don’t we spend it together with your family in Rhode Island?”
I pump hard at the soap dispenser. “I’ve explained to you why we don’t.”
“Conflicting loyalties, I know, you want to stay neutral. But how can we not do anything? He’s your father, and what if he does have a gun? I mean, Anne doesn’t see every little thing he does; she was out of the house just now, right? Besides, he could have bought one online and been home alone when it was delivered, so she wouldn’t know. Guns kill, Mom. He could kill himself or kill Anne or kill the housekeeper?”
I shoot her a punishing look. She’s almost as bad as Anne sometimes—imagining things like what if I locked him in and there was a fire in the house?
I work at a burnt-on piece of crust with the tough side of the sponge, needing suds but getting few. “Do you see how ineffective this dish detergent is?”
That quickly, Joy is the appeaser. “But we’re doing a good thing here, Mom. See how compact the bottle is, no wasted plastic—and not tested on animals? If everyone on the planet signed on, the world would be a better place.”
I send a dry thanks to the head of her school, who, since taking the job two years ago, had made The Environment as much a part of the curriculum as Singapore math and Robotics—and hey, I’m all for going green. I recycle. I refill my reusable water bottle. I pay bills online. There are times, though when being PC sucks.
“Right,” I say and drop the sponge. After refilling the pie plate with hot water, I wipe my hands on the linen towel. Not paper. Linen.
“What about Papa and his gun?” Joy asks, following me into the hall.
At our closet laundry room, I open the dryer. “We don’t know that he has one.” I begin sorting still-warm clothes into a double basket, Joy’s on the left, mine on the right.
“But what if he does? What if he takes it into town and starts shooting the place up? Or decides to kill your neighbor? What if he did kill Elizabeth—”
“He did not.” I may have issues with my father. I may question his compliance with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but. But I refuse to believe he is capable of murder.
“But what if he has a gun now? What if he uses it?”
“Don’t ask that. Don’t even think it.”
Joy takes over the sorting, but she doesn’t back down—she rarely does, which is both her greatest strength and her worst curse, in part because she is logical enough to be annoying as hell. I should leave her to the job and walk away. But the truth is, I want her opinion.
Actually, I need it. She’s all I have.
“He’s your father,” she says now. “And Anne’s your sister. And that house is where you grew up. Not all the memories are bad, some are good—like hide-and-seek in your mother’s potting shed—so why can’t you focus on the good stuff?” She’s sounding younger as she drops the last of the items in the basket and turns wounded eyes on me. “I’ve never been there, Mom. It’s less than three hours away, and I’ve never been there? That’s embarrassing. And even if all of the above wasn’t true, it’s the beach? We love the beach.”
Basket on hip, I head for her room. “We were in Jamaica in February and spent last Thanksgiving in Anguilla.” Our travel expenses were paid by the owners of the houses I photographed. “Those beaches are soft and warm. Beaches on the New England coast are neither.”
“Those beaches were for work,” Joy argues as I dump her things on her pillow, where she’ll have to address them before she sleeps. “This would be a vacation.”
“Going home will not be a vacation, Joy. Trust me on that.”
“Okay, so let’s go for a weekend, just a weekend?”
We could, I concede on the way to my room. I’ve considered that before, but always veto it when I start to hyperventilate. Okay. That’s an exaggeration. I’m not hyperventilating now. But the knots in my stomach are real. It’s an ingrained thing, a legacy of my childhood when I was always afraid I’d do something wrong, provoke Dad, piss someone off.
And then there’s my mother. She’s been dead a while, but I imagine her up there looking down, watching, waiting, wondering what I’ll do, whether I’ll flip sides now that she’s gone. Maybe my father is doing the same thing in his judgmental way. Or not. I’ve often thought it would be nice if, in his diminished state of whatever, he mellowed. When I was growing up, it was his way or the highway.
Margo chose the highway, me the median strip in an attempt to be neutral, because I want my family to love me. I want to have a relationship with my sisters once my father is gone, and that means finding common ground. Common ground is right here in New York. When they visit, I knock myself out planning fun things to do. That’s the thing about fun. Each round is a deposit in a memory bank that earns interest over time.
At least, that’s the theory.
But Joy isn’t into it. Having followed me into my bedroom, she is the dog with a bone. “He’s the only grandfather I have, and I’ve met him, like, three times? Is that fair? He could be dead this time next year. He could be dead this time next month.”
I begin folding my clothes straight from the basket.
“He could be dead this time next week, Mom.”
She isn’t telling me anything I haven’t told myself a dozen times since I saw my father last. But if I go home now, Margo will never speak to me again. If I go home now, Anne will expect that I’ll always go home. If I go home now, I’ll be subjecting myself to the godawful insecurity that I’ve worked so hard to overcome. I’m a capable woman—a good photographer, a good mom. I’ve built a life in New York. I belong here. Just thinking of Bay Bluff has me walking a tightrope again.
It isn’t your responsibility, is it? Jack Sabathian asked. Well, it is, Mallory. And for a minute, my conscience flickers. Where does conflict avoidance end and responsibility kick in?
But that was Jack speaking. He couldn’t begin to understand my dilemma back then, and he certainly can’t today.
Joy can. Giving her time to think about it, I go into the bathroom to wash my face. But suddenly hers is in the mirror with mine. Her skin is a little darker, her eyes green to my amber, her body leaner, though that could be her thirteen to my thirty-nine, or her love of kiwi versus my love of anything fried—like fried clams, of which the best, the best, were sizzled up fresh at the Clam Shack back home.
“Mom,” she calls with impatience, because she can see my mind wandering again and wants it on her. All maturity is gone now. She is my little girl, the daughter I chose to have when it was arguably a selfish thing to do, the one I love more than life and whose mental well-being is key.
“I want to go,” she insists, falling back on the one argument she knows will prick me. “My father is just a number, meaning no grandparents or aunts and uncles or cousins from him, so your family is all I have. I’m them—this hair, these eyes. And I love the beach. I want to go, Mom. Is scooping kitty poop really more important than that?”
Copyright © 2020 by Barbara Delinsky