Introduction
HAVE YOU EVER HAD an emotion that hijacked your mind, and you didn’t know where it came from or what to do about it? Have you ever felt that diving into that emotion was something you would rather not do at that moment? Join the human race! We don’t have a problem with the emotions we approve of: happiness, acceptance, desire, and love—bring ’em on.… It’s the other side of the emotional spectrum that bothers us: the iceberg of fear, the flames of anger, the cave of despair. How fast can we run? It’s hard enough to live through these challenging emotions, never mind make sense of them. And it’s not like they wait patiently to be looked at, either—emotions change dramatically from one minute to the next. Sure, we are supposed to “be” with our emotions, but for most people, they would rather be anywhere but.
I know this feeling well. For so many years, I favored the “happy” side. I was the optimistic one, the one who found solutions to every problem, and the one who could find the good in every situation. But that all changed one day, sitting at the kitchen table with my teenager, who said to me, “Mom, I’m stressed out. I want to be happy, I just don’t know how.” Every cell in my body ached to help, but every “solution” I tried to offer did not resonate even one bit. I sought out experts only to discover that, according to the World Health Organization, depression is now the leading cause of suffering worldwide. That means in our own backyard, and in every country globally, women, men, and children are suffering. And the thing is, we’re not talking about it nearly enough; the stigma is still real.
The stigma and the accompanying silence are territories that I do know well. My grandfather had been suicidal, my mom had chronic depression, and on my dad’s side of the family, my aunt was schizophrenic. My sister faces these challenges, too. Every family has its issues, and, of course, I was not immune. So … you can imagine, after the conversation around the kitchen table, my inner alarms were piercingly loud. While I was a child, I was in no position to help my mother, but now that I was a mom myself, I would do anything to help my child.
This ignited a spark in me to do something, not only to help my own family, but kids all over the globe. With a background in film, I produced Project Happiness, a documentary bringing together young people from the United States, Nigeria, and Tibet to find answers for one question—What is happiness? We interviewed George Lucas, Richard Gere, and neuroscientist Richard Davidson and met with the Dalai Lama at his home in Dharamsala, India.
That led me to writing a book to teach kids positive psychology, mindfulness, and the neuroscience of happiness, and to founding a nonprofit that provides curriculum for K–5, middle school, and high school that has been utilized digitally in 120 countries. As suicides infiltrate the news, along with school shootings and massive anxiety at all levels, I feel more passionate than ever about sharing these materials to inspire kids and adults everywhere to develop their inner resources. My own journey took me on a mission to learn the tools I would later share with others, like gratitude, mind-set, emotional resiliency, and the power of identifying your strengths, and I am grateful for every step along the way.
It’s so important, even necessary, to know that happiness is not just a state, it’s a skill that we can all develop. I have seen that to be true, and the science backs it up.
But something in my heart felt that there was more. What about those spiraling worries at three A.M.; what about the anger that flares at unexpected times; what about the sadness that drifts in like a dark cloud? Are there any skills that could be learned to navigate those emotions, the ones we do not consider “socially acceptable,” especially in a culture that values appearance over authenticity?
As I delved into the subject, it was amazing to discover that each emotion had its own brand of wisdom. The word “emotion” comes from the Latin word “emovere,” which means “energy in motion.” Emotions, whether considered “positive” or “negative,” are packed not only with energy, but a lot of information. Though I will use the words “emotions” and “feelings” interchangeably in the book, in the same way we do in real life, there is actually a distinction.
Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio explains that emotions are the signals that happen inside the body itself and have evolved to serve as an automated response to take care of a danger or opportunity. This often happens spontaneously and without our awareness. Feelings are sparked by emotions but occur in our minds, from the thoughts and images associated with the emotion. According to Damasio, feelings are “the process of perceiving what is going on in the organism (yourself) when you are in the throes of an emotion. Because we have feelings and because feelings can actually stay in memory, then we have a possibility of using feelings of certain emotions for future planning. It helps us construct a view of the world and take that into consideration when we plan future events.”1 This awareness opens up an important opportunity.
What if we could actually use our emotions and feelings as a pathway to guide us back like an inner compass? What if, like alchemists, we had the tools to transform every emotion to recalibrate us toward creating our very best life? If instead of hijacking us and taking us off course, they could be touchstones to help reconnect us with our true nature? What if we could comprehend how even the most troublesome emotions and feelings are sending messages to alert, protect, and fuel us forward?
The challenge of our times is not only what we can achieve on the outside, but how we can connect with our deepest core self on the inside. We are here to experience the vastness and breadth of life, including our inner landscapes. This can only come from engaging fully with all the emotions—and understanding how to work with them, rather than pretending they don’t exist. Then we can use them skillfully, instead of having them take us on a wild ride.
One thing for sure is that each and every person is more powerful than they know, and the more we understand about how we think, act, and relate, the better we will do in life. This is not only helpful for ourselves but ripples out to the people we love and care about, to our communities, and into our world. All emotions are contagious.
In this time of escalating anxiety and confusion, we need more than ever to take charge of our lives. Understanding the tough emotions as well as the easier ones gives us the clarity, fuel, and energy to reveal who we really are, beyond the frustrations, the judgments, and the fears. Each emotion has the power to bring us back to our true essence. As Marcus Aurelius once said, “The impediment to action advances the action—what stands in the way becomes the way.” This book was written to give you a new way of looking at your emotions’ hidden gifts as well as your own.
How to Use This Book
As you read through the book, you’ll see that it is organized by emotion. Each chapter delves into the science behind the emotion, the messages it offers, and practical time-tested strategies to make the most of each one. There are various systems of organizing emotions—ranging from five individual “families” of emotions (enjoyment, anger, fear, disgust, and sadness)2 to seven to ten emotions, all the way to the latest research by Dr. Dacher Keltner and Dr. Alan Cohen pointing to smooth gradients of twenty-seven emotions.3 Brené Brown’s research has highlighted thirty emotions.4 For the purpose of this book, in order to take a deep dive in on selected emotions, I have narrowed it down to ten. Each one is more fascinating than the last. Of course, you will have your favorites:
• Desire looks at the nature of desire, how it is different from hope or expectation, the two types of passion to watch out for, and what to do if it gets extreme.
• Tolerance explores two layers: tolerance for some aspects of ourselves and tolerance for others. We’ll look at the difference between tolerance and acceptance, and how to have more self-acceptance now. You’ll discover how tolerance relates to empathy and how to use it to deepen every relationship.
• Happiness discusses how to change the brain to bring forward the best of ourselves.
We’ll also dive into the Seven Happiness Habits and how little shifts can change everything. The chapter concludes with a section on PTG—post-traumatic growth—and why some people are so resilient even after tragedy.
• Sadness is often confused with depression. In this chapter we explore the difference. You will also discover the hidden gifts of sadness and why it is an important part of life.
Finally, we look at what it means to architect your life to be free of regrets.
• Fear looks at the different types of fear—there are many! You will take a fear quiz and find out what happens when fear is suppressed. You’ll also learn some strategies to make fear your friend.
• Anxiety will explain the difference between fear and anxiety. When is anxiety a healthy reaction, and when is it called a disorder? We’ll also look at ways to navigate this much misunderstood emotion.
• Confidence discusses two causes of confidence: it can be the result of inner alignment or externally learning something new. You will learn the different mind-sets that will support or sabotage your dreams and why self-esteem alone is not enough.
• Anger will look at the downsides of this emotion but also at its gifts. How can you harness its power for good? You’ll learn the many faces of anger and proven strategies that help when anger arises.
• Guilt is one of the most potent guides to get you back to what you value most. You’ll look at the difference between guilt and shame. You’ll also explore three types of guilt that can keep you stuck and seven action steps to take you through even the muddiest of waters.
• Love introduces you to the six types of love, the three stages of love, and how the chemicals in your brain move you to love, lust, and connection. You’ll also learn what helps love go the distance.
Each chapter will also give you opportunities to tie what you are reading to your personal life. Get yourself a new journal and be ready for reflection questions and challenges to help you discover more about yourself and the insights that are waiting to emerge.
Along this journey, you will receive prompts, such as “In your journal, jot down the following question…” This is your time to write from the heart—no judgment allowed! This is all about tapping into your inner wisdom, reconnecting with your intuition, and uncovering insights that may surprise you. You will learn a lot about yourself, your strengths, and your choices as you progress through the chapters.
Before you start, there is something you should know about. Though each emotion has its own characteristics and message, it is fascinating to recognize that there is a progression that helps us understand anger, fear, and other challenging feelings. Author Dr. Paul Ekman and contemplative social scientist Dr. Eve Ekman have researched emotions and their stages and point to a timeline5 that helps us make sense of this sometimes disruptive energy. With emotional episodes (and who doesn’t get them occasionally), it’s good to know that there is a predictable pattern and a way to get to the other side.6 I like the analogy of a sports game—sometimes it can be relatively smooth, and sometimes it can be unpredictably intense. But if you know the drill and can anticipate what can come up, you’ll have a game plan. Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you make it through not only in one piece, but with a feeling of exhilaration and discovery. Game—on!
Pregame
This is the time for a precheck. When our feelings start to stir, before an emotion gains momentum, it helps to take a quick inventory: “How do I feel? Is my energy level low; am I sleep-deprived or worried about a few things in particular? What is on my mind (job, kids, health, finances, politics)? Am I hungry, hangry (low blood sugar levels), or did I just get up on the wrong side of the bed?” All these things, though seemingly inconsequential, really can influence how you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally, and how you react to what’s to come.
WHAT ARE MY MENTAL TRIGGERS?
Next, looking at it from a mental perspective, ask yourself, “What is this feeling coming up now? What is the trigger? Is it an event (job interview, date, presentation) that is nerve-racking, or is this state of heightened emotion coming from my perception and how I’m seeing the world (life is easy; life is a struggle; people are kind; can’t trust anyone…)? Is there an old memory, a recurring belief, or a theme that inflames the emotion?” Check in with this statement: “When __________ happens (or when I think__________), I usually feel __________.”
WHAT ARE MY PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL CLUES?
It also helps to look at the emotion itself. What are the clues our body is giving us (racing heart, clenched fist, tightness in the torso) that this emotion is taking over? What are the psychological changes we are experiencing? What makes anxiety feel like anxiety; how does anger feel like anger? If you were to explain how you felt to a friend, what words best describe these emotional and physical changes?
WHAT ARE MY CHOICES?
This information brings us to a new level of choice with several paths to select from. We can use this new awareness to take action in a constructive way. Check in with this statement: “I know by how my body feels and by my thoughts that I’m getting triggered (by this person or situation), so I will __________.” By doing so, we are taking action in advance.
Then there’s the other option: choosing behaviors that turn out to be destructive. We also have to remember that by simply not making any choice at all, we also end up defaulting to old (usually destructive) patterns. Some people react internally, preferring to suppress uncomfortable feelings deep inside. While that may sound like the path of least resistance, these intense emotions can build and then rudely crash in later like uninvited guests at a party. Others react to challenging feelings externally, either by exploding and lashing out at another, or by imploding and lashing inwardly. Constructive or destructive—if we plan potential plays in advance, we really do have a choice.
Postgame
Copyright © 2019 by Randy Taran
