INTRODUCTION
The Impressiveness Paradox
As a former admissions committee member at an Ivy League university, I know a thing or two about what separates the accepted from the rejected. I want to share something important with you, something I don’t think you’re going to hear from other college admissions officers. It’s really counterintuitive, but here it is.
Admissions officers at top universities know you’re trying to impress us with all that stuff you’re doing outside of the classroom. We know that we’re asking a lot of you. But paradoxically, admissions officers are underwhelmed by students who are clearly managing their lives outside of the classroom in order to impress the committee.
I call it the “Impressiveness Paradox.” The paradox is that almost all impressiveness goes out the window when you’re trying to be impressive.
You know this intuitively in your own social circle. No one is impressed by someone who is trying too hard to make an impression. Like when your classmate shows off their latest selfie on social media, and you know it’s totally got a filter. In that situation, it feels like someone trying to “play” you. You know the person is faking.
Exactly the same dynamic applies when admissions officers are sitting around the committee table, making decisions on your application.
There are two main pitfalls in creating your application (and the life you’re presenting in the app). The first is not being impressive at all: no clubs. So-so grades. Activities you tried for a semester, then pooped out on. I’m not going to talk about that one. If you care enough about your future to read a book like this, I doubt you’re at risk of leaving no impression at all.
However, there’s a second pitfall, one you’re probably much more at risk of falling into (without even knowing it). That’s the pitfall of seeming fake. You’re overly earnest in your application. You wax poetic about your involvement in the “Earth Club” and make a deadly serious pledge to save every honeybee by graduation. You’re not just involved in clubs—you’re president of every one.
It all smacks of fakeness. There’s just no other way to put it.
It’s not that we think you’re lying to us (we can spot the true liars! That’s not what we’re talking about). But admissions counselors get a feeling when everything has been pre-ordained, pre-managed, and pre-packaged to impress us—which is not impressive.
I want you to avoid this pitfall: that’s why I wrote this book. “Getting real” is the first step to getting in and, most importantly, getting what you want out of life.
MY STORY
But before we go any further, I want to share my story.
The year was 2000. I was attending a competitive high school, Princeton High School (PHS) in Princeton, New Jersey. I absolutely loved my experience there, but there was one problem. Everyone who attended was a rock star, on and off paper, and it crushed me. Here are the receipts: I went to high school at the same time as Oscar-winning La La Land and Whiplash writer/director Damien Chazelle (he was class of ’03). I also attended school with a now-famous yogi, two future Broadway stars, and several soon-to-be top doctors in the United States. I knew multiple people who got a 1600 on the SAT freshman year (without studying … or so they said). I spent much of my four years at PHS engaged in deep conversations with brilliant peers whose worldly knowledge far exceeded mine.
While it was an extraordinary opportunity to learn in this environment, I was barely keeping up with my classmates academically, artistically, or extracurricularly. They were in APs; I wasn’t. They were in tons of clubs; I wasn’t. I wanted to do theater and was fairly talented … but I was competing for roles with future Broadway stars and Oscar winners! My dreams seemed meant for them, not me.
At PHS, there was an overarching belief that attending a top college was the only way to gain success in life. I didn’t grow up with this belief, but it was in the air in my high school and got hammered into me by teachers and classmates.
How did this impact my college plans? I felt I had to distinguish myself in some way from my classmates. But what could I do? I knew I had to get a head start. So, sophomore year, I selected my first-choice college: New York University.
NYU had a music business program. I was obsessed with Hanson (yes, the “MMMBop” brothers—Google it!) and musical theater—and the music business route seemed like a logical choice at the time. Back then, NYU’s music business program was considered one of the best in the country. In the years that followed, I did all I could to make sure I had everything in place for NYU. Test scores at target range: check. Grades good enough: check. Enough “worthy” extracurriculars (or so I hoped): check.
I visited every NYU event I could, taking campus tours, attending information sessions, and going to prospective student gatherings at school. I even asked my dad to contact an NYU professor we knew and visited him at his home. Fortunately, Professor Walter Reinhold, who later became my music history professor, put in a good word for me. I applied for early decision (not knowing how this would impact my family and myself—for example, that it would add quite a bit to my student loans!).
Everything was looking good for my application—at least, as good it was going to look. But the pressure became too much for me in October of 2000. As a high school senior, I got stress-induced pneumonia the month before applications were due. I had to miss several weeks of school and was physically incapacitated for months afterward, not to mention emotionally exhausted.
I barely took time to acknowledge my pneumonia, though (or the psychological/emotional implications of my illness). I waited and waited for my admissions decision to come in, and when that envelope finally came …
BOOM. Accepted. I cried tears of relief, balled up on the floor.
Why did I get accepted? I’ll never know for sure, even though I’ve since served as a member and chair of an Ivy League admissions committee.
But I’m fairly certain that I got into NYU because of my “demonstrated interest” (AKA obsession and persistence), alumni connections (I was a triple legacy), adversity (my father became very ill when I was in high school, which probably explains why I was so focused on a brighter future), and my attendance at PHS—a high school that had a good relationship with NYU at the time. My grades and test scores were extremely average for NYU and probably on the lower end of my other classmates who applied.
But all that mattered to me was that I got in.
Was NYU the thing that made a difference in my life? Did it make me successful today? Maybe my college experience has something to do with my successful career. But ultimately, college was the step that prepared me for the next phase of my life. It was not the making of me, nor the end of my story.
As it turned out, my high school experience laid the groundwork for my current career. Did I know then that my successes now would stem from that four-year period at PHS in which I felt perpetually frustrated and awkward? Um, no!
But with the advantage of time, I can now see how it all fits together. My time at PHS inspired me to go into the field of higher education. PHS got me obsessed with college! My high school experience led to a career of more than 15 years in higher education. In that time I’ve had jobs in admissions, academic leadership, teaching, and counseling students about how to get into top colleges.
Admission to NYU and any other successes I’ve had through the years have come because of hard work and luck. There is no secret formula.
Here’s what I’ve learned through my own professional and personal experience and through interviewing the wonderful people you’ll meet in this book: success doesn’t go in a straight line. Rather than create a “perfect” plan for success to be followed no matter what, we must be clear on our own values and goals. Then we can use what happens in life, whether positive or negative, as fuel for our next endeavor. Our mindset matters—when we keep an open mind and don’t force ourselves onto a certain pathway because we think that pathway will make us successful, then we are most able to find true success.
While I could have written a book about how to “wow” the admissions committee by being the best underwater basket-weaving Irish step dancer (just kidding … but seriously, that would be a very memorable applicant!), I decided instead to have conversations with widely admired influencers about how college and other turning points affected their lives. Many of their pivotal life moments took place during college, but many moments that paved the way for future success had absolutely nothing to do with college. Because, as we’ll talk about in this book, your life amounts to so much more than where you go to college.
I asked these leaders for their advice for today’s students. They got real with me. And some of their wisdom may surprise you. And guess what? These people may be older than you, but the lessons they share are timeless—and I’ll show you the parallels between your story and theirs. Included with these influencers’ stories are accounts from students I’ve coached.
THE PRESSURES TODAY—AND WHY THEY ARE REAL
Here’s the thing about high school: it’s hard to discover who you really are because there’s so little time to actually figure it out. If your life right now is all about the hustle, you’re no different than most of my clients. No one is showing you the way—school is teaching you how to get good grades, and your parents are telling you that you need a high SAT/ACT score. Everyone is so worried about hitting specific standardized score benchmarks, essay word counts, and all of those “success metrics.” But all these things add up to not that much when it comes to getting into college. Even though it may blow your mind to hear it, grades and SAT scores are not all an admissions office cares about. Far from it.
If you get nothing else out of this book, I want you to get that.
But right now you, like my stressed-out self from the year 2000, are probably focused on grades and tests. And you’re super emotionally vulnerable, too, compared to how your parents and grandparents were feeling when they made decisions about higher education.1 You feel the stress of your college decision more acutely than anyone around you. They love you and want the best for you—but they’re not the ones who have futures riding on this!
Our stress and drive to achieve is not our fault. From the time we’re small, we’re taught that college is competitive, important, and waaaaaay expensive. If we let them, the financial and emotional pressures can easily overwhelm us.
The struggle is real!
When I was on the Wharton admissions committee, students who were accepted had two things in common: they knew how to do well in school, and they knew how to take standardized tests. Even so, plenty of “perfect” scores were rejected. That’s right—we turned away lots of 1600 SAT scores. So, unless an applicant’s family was donating a mint, there was way more to getting accepted than grades and tests! (College admissions scandal aside, the rules bend a little if your family donates a whole mint. Unfortunately.)
But you still have no idea what it takes to get in, do you? It’s not your fault. Admissions officers don’t tell you. That means you are probably engaging in a futile guessing game to figure out exactly what admissions officers are looking for.
You pursue a score of extracurricular activities. You add on useless extra courses. You take standardized tests more times than should be legal. All in an effort to “look good” for college applications—while the stress load on you and your parents becomes heavier and heavier.
I’m sure you’d love a book that told you the exact steps to get into an elite college. Unfortunately, I can’t give you that book, because—as someone who was involved in selecting students for an elite college, I can assure you—there are no exact steps that work for everyone.
And I’m not just saying that because it sounds like the “right thing to say,” or to avoid offending any of my former colleagues. My priority here is to help you. I promise you: if there was some magic key, I would tell you. But there isn’t, and any book or guru who tells you there is is lying.
But I can tell you this much.
Getting real is the first step on the road to getting in. You showing the admissions committee that you would be an asset to their school has to do with the authenticity of your impressiveness.
Admissions committees want to be wowed by you, but they want you to wow them in your own unique way. This is great news because it means there’s no one way to win.
If you think about it, why would it be any other way? Do you think that colleges want a homogenous bunch of cookie-cutter Stepford students?
Colleges talk nonstop about diversity. Let me assure you: they really mean it. Top colleges want a wide range of excellence among the student body, and that doesn’t just mean a bunch of people who are great at different academic topics. It means a collection of people who have had unique and varied life experiences—people who have come into their own as young leaders in their own ways, on their own paths. In fact, in some ways that’s the very definition of a leader—someone who has cut their own path.
That someone should be you.
WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK
I may be framing the college question in a way you haven’t considered. You may be in love with a particular brand-name college. (Or maybe your parents are.) Maybe you’re a legacy at a prestigious institution, or your friends are all headed to the school 30 minutes from home, so you figure that’s the best place for you, too. Maybe you’ve got your heart set on one school’s pre-med program and you just know that program is your ticket to success.
But I’m here to tell you this: your college experience is yours, and yours alone. You’re not living it for your mom or dad or best friend.
I wrote this book because I want you to STOP TRYING TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION and to start living for yourself. I want you to start trying new things and achieving excellence in those things—instead of running from the possibility of failure. I want you to avoid spreading yourself so thin that your sense of identity, your values, and your interests get completely lost.
I can help you because I no longer work in an admissions function. Those who do work in admissions can’t help you as much as I can. Why not? Because above all, they are looking for authentic leadership. If they told you what authentic leadership looks like to them—and then you went out and did what they told you in the name of “authenticity”—it wouldn’t be very authentic, would it?
Admissions officers are looking for natural leaders. (Not necessarily born leaders but young adults who have come to leadership potential on their own.) They want to see how you operate—not how you perform when you’ve been given a paint-by-numbers formula. That’s why it’s time to stop trying to create a brand that’s not you and start being impressive in your own unique and authentic way.
SO WHAT REALLY MATTERS?
Here’s a secret I’ll let you in on: the priorities of colleges are ever-changing and the politics of admissions are complicated. Know why? It’s because your admission to college is not just about you!
You read that right.
Your admission is not just about you—it’s also about how you help the university meet its current priorities. It’s also, to a lesser extent, about some things you can’t control: who your parents are and where you went to high school.
For example: when I attended PHS, over 20 people were admitted to Princeton University … out of 275. This is a ridiculously high number of people admitted to Princeton from one school! This happened for a few reasons. Number one: “town-gown” relations (PHS and Princeton are located in the same town). Number two: professors’ children apply—and when your parents work at a college, your chances of getting in increase dramatically. Number three: an incredibly talented student body (PHS had some of the highest SAT scores in the state and a future Oscar winner or two among us!). Where you went to high school can make a difference in where you go to college—sometimes a big one.2 But your background does not determine your destiny.
Many of the people I spoke to for this book made individual choices that defied the expectations of their school, communities, or families. These individuals forged their own paths in the world. Their choices were influenced by a variety of circumstances: learning disabilities, family arrangements, and broader cultural events. But each path was unique to the individual, each choice his or her own to make.
Now back to you.
Your success in college and in your career will not be just about “your brand” or the labels you’ve attached to yourself. In fact, your success has more to do with how you take advantage of opportunities, persist through challenges, and overcome obstacles.3
The college admissions process is one of the first tests of persistence. It’s not that grades and scores in high school don’t matter if you want admittance to a top college—of course they do. You’ll definitely need hard work and persistence to meet the very high bar you’re trying to reach. Test scores are important: but they are not all that’s important.
According to the National Association for College Admission Counseling, here’s the breakdown on how officers consider your application, from the factors considered “most important” to “least important”:
• Most important—A student’s grades in college prep courses, the strength of a high school’s curriculum, the student’s SAT/ACT scores, and the student’s overall GPA.
• Moderately important—A student’s essay or other writing sample, activities, recommendations, and class rank.
• Low–moderately important—A student’s interview with an admissions officer, test scores in the subject the student wants to major in, and student work experience.
• Low importance—A student’s SAT II scores and portfolios (e.g., art and music samples or other supplements required by the college).
Having a high GPA and good test scores is extremely important: but that’s not enough. No one, including admissions officers, can predict your admissions results. Each student is unique, and each set of circumstances is unique. Admissions is never as simple as 1 + 1 = 2.
You can’t put all your eggs in one basket. For example: don’t focus too much on your GPA and forget about extracurriculars. And once you’re out of school, your GPA and test-taking abilities are no longer very important. In the real world, who you are and the experiences you’ve had count for way more. When it comes to what admissions officers are looking for, your essay and interviews can be two of the most effective ways to stand out from the crowd. Spending time developing your strengths and demonstrating your enthusiasm will take you far—both in getting into the school of your dreams, and in life.
WHAT’S IN STORE
In these pages, you’ll listen in on conversations with incredible leaders. You’ll learn the mindsets and action steps that people have embraced to start living their authentic lives. Each story can help you build your college admissions candidacy in your own authentic way. The following chapters contain stories from students and professionals, because it doesn’t matter when the college story took place! The lessons are timeless and can apply to students of any age. I’ve interviewed a wide variety of professionals with extremely different life paths because I want you to see yourself in at least one of these stories.
Each story shows you how you can strive to find your authenticity—and avoid the pitfalls of the Impressiveness Paradox. I want to help you achieve the college and career success of your dreams. But this is a participatory process. Each chapter includes reflection questions for you to think about—and then act on. You can begin to apply this book’s lessons to your college application process today.
While other books offer formulaic advice on how to get a yes from the admissions committee, they stop there. What’s missing from those other guides are examples of how successful people have managed to find themselves as unique, individual humans—and live authentically. Ultimately, living true to yourself is what will help you win at college and life, beyond grades and test scores.
You owe it to yourself to read this book—because based on my experience in admissions, what you’ve been doing is probably not going to help you get into your top-choice college. You’re likely trying too hard to impress and not doing enough to make an impression. This book will teach you how to live your truth and get where you want to be.
Let’s begin.
Some of the exercises within this book and other resources are available for download at http://getrealandgetin.com/.
Copyright © 2021 by Aviva Legatt