INTRODUCTION
When you become a parent, no one hands you a guidebook that tells you how best to fulfill this new role. But everyone has opinions on how best to feed this new little life. Everyone is so afraid of messing it up. Because, frankly, feeding our kids is hard. Finding your own path through all that chaos is like trying to have a pleasant conversation at a rock concert.
Our culture has boiled food and feeding ourselves down to science. Fuel. Calories in/calories out. There is so much more to the story.
The truth is that there is more to food than just nutrition and calories. It isn’t about fueling our bodies alone; it can be about connection, culture, emotions, love, family, history, joy, grief, and everything else. How humans need to eat and interact with food is much more complex than what could fit into a how-to manual. We aren’t given the guidebook because no one could write it.
Not even us.
This isn’t an instruction manual. This is a manifesto. An ode to healing the relationship with food. A path to growing up with an inherent trust in your body. This book offers guidance to parents using the science of what we know about food and bodies and embracing our existence in those bodies. This is an introduction to embodiment and a discussion of resilience. Here, we can re-parent ourselves so we can learn how to do less harm to our future generations.
WHAT TO EXPECT
In order to facilitate this work, we’ve drawn inspiration and have learned from many who have done the work before us. We are dietitians and parents, and we are acutely aware of the impact that food can have on our lives. So here we will talk about food, feeding, and body image. We will also talk about the oppressive systems that led us here, that keep us here. We will examine the painful memories we strive to protect our little ones from. As well as the ways in which we may be more privileged or marginalized by the bodies and lives we inhabit.
WHO THIS BOOK IS FOR
Children and families struggle with food and eating in many different ways. This book aims to reach those parents who want to prevent disordered eating—such as restricting or binge eating—from setting in as a result of the diet mentality we are surrounded by in our culture. It was also written to help put an end to what we describe as generational dieting—if you, your parents, your grandparents, have all been passed down generations of beliefs that are tied to dieting and a focus on thinness as the goal, that will show up within your parenting around food, whether you intend it or not. This book is a tool for parents to understand what they can do to maintain or return their child’s Intuitive Eating ability, to help them appreciate and respect their unique body in a world that wants us to self-loathe.
We understand that not all families who struggle with food need the same solutions. First, not every family has consistent access to enough food to eat, which means that fostering a healthy relationship with food will not feel as important as getting enough food to hungry mouths at the table. There are circumstances for many families that are beyond the individual’s responsibility which are systemic barriers to food security. Intuitive Eating is not a viable solution for the millions of people experiencing food insecurity, which significantly increases one’s risk for disordered eating and eating disorders. Additionally, although avoidant and extreme picky eating is certainly a significant issue families face, that isn’t the focus of our work. Families who struggle more with avoidant or very anxious eaters, where parents are worried their child doesn’t eat enough, and every meal has become a battle, will benefit from a more individualized and therapeutic, structured approach that helps return their child to a calmer and more competent place with eating. This book isn’t intended to be advice for families who struggle specifically with avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) or severe picky eating, although we do offer guidance around the quite common “picky phase” of eating in the toddler and early childhood years. The 3 Keys model isn’t a replacement for eating disorder treatment or medical advice from a doctor or dietitian.
NOT EVERYONE HAS SOVEREIGNTY OVER THEIR OWN BODY
As we began writing this book, it became clear that we cannot discuss how to help our children, or anyone for that matter, attain a positive relationship with food and body without acknowledging the social justice issues happening today. These issues, if left unaddressed, will continue to keep people trapped in patterns of body oppression, trauma, and violence. If we—you, us, the nutrition field, the eating disorder field, parents, caregivers, medical practitioners, public health professionals—are aiming to help people live well, with peace and confidence, and to be able to trust their bodies and food, we must go beyond just the issues that face the most privileged.
The injustice and inequity in the world related to food and bodies run deeper than any of us can measure. Many people don’t have—and will never have—a sense of safety in their body. One in six children in the United States do not know where their next meal is coming from. The systems that we are led to believe are in place to create equality, justice, and fairness with food and bodies are broken, corrupt, and exclusive. Human trafficking, the trading of human bodies for forced labor or sexual exploitation and slavery, is currently robbing nearly 25 million women, men, and children of their freedom today, in this moment. No region of the United States is lacking in food deserts and suffering the effects of food apartheids—areas where healthful and affordable food isn’t accessible to the people who live there.
Unjustly, those who experience food insecurity also face a significantly higher risk of developing disordered eating and chronic disease. This risk also increases if you’re an immigrant—separated from family, familiarity, and support—are disabled, a person of color, transgender or nonbinary, or queer. The reasons why having one or more of these nondominant identities are considered risk factors aren’t biological, but cultural. Racism, specifically anti-Blackness and the domination of white-supremacist sociocultural conditioning, in the United States and other first-world Western cultures, is deeply embedded in the ways many of us are robbed of our embodiment, burying our Intuitive Eating ability, and led to believe our bodies are never good enough until they are thin enough. White supremacy, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, ableism, and fatphobia are all direct contributing factors to why people don’t have the resources they need to get enough food, have a safe place to live, or get the treatment they need for mental and physical health. Living in a marginalized body in our culture can cause PTSD, eating disorders, debilitating anxiety, maladaptive coping behaviors, or even suicide. Not having the time or resources to take care of your body, feeling the desire to have a different body, or the need to disconnect from your body all result from the ways our culture and systems tell us that all bodies aren’t good bodies or worthy of respect, resources, or love.
As two white people who have experienced tremendous privilege and social power in our lives, we want to state the limitations we possess in writing about and speaking to the ways social structures and discrimination interfere with one’s ability to be an Intuitive Eater. Even with the marginalization we have faced, there are many forms of discrimination we will never have to encounter. Our lack of personal experience limits the way we may understand how groups of people with one or more marginalized identities define, experience, and strive for Intuitive Eating.
One of our main goals was to write a book that was accessible to parents who have questions around feeding, disordered eating prevention, and body confidence concerns for their kids. We wanted to create a book that you can pick up, easily interpret, and then apply what you’ve learned to your own family based on their individual needs, neuro-wiring, biology, and competence. We suspect some readers will find that a lot has been left unanswered, specifically around individual feeding difficulties. In addition to Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, the original pioneers of Intuitive Eating, the work of Ellyn Satter on division of responsibility, Niva Piran and Tracy Tylka’s research on embodiment, Katja Rowell and Johanna Cormack’s contributions to responsive feeding and picky eating, the attachment and childhood development work of Daniel Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson, and Janet Lansbury among countless others, and the groundwork laid by fat activists and size acceptance pioneers are just some of the many people who offer further reading and resources for you beyond How to Raise an Intuitive Eater. The difficulties and concerns parents face when it comes to feeding are diverse, and there isn’t one solution for all.
EMBODIMENT
Let’s talk about embodiment—you’ll be hearing this word a lot throughout this book. When we refer to a healthy relationship with food and body, we are alluding to embodiment. Embodiment is a huge concept, and we have learned the most from Niva Piran. Intuitive Eating is one small drop in the embodiment pond. It’s a vital piece, and yet there is so much more. Embodiment also accounts for the intersecting identities and lived experiences a person may have. We all inhabit multiple identities that cannot be untangled or isolated from one another. These include skin color, religion, body size, ability, gender identity, country of origin, health, socioeconomic background, and more.
INTUITIVE EATING
Newborn babies enter the world knowing how to take their first breath and when to cry for food, and innately trusting that their caregiver will give them what they need to survive. That intuitive wisdom is key to their survival. They know when it’s time to eat and when they’ve had enough. Quite literally, Intuitive Eating is something we are born doing. Our brains and bodies are hardwired to know when and how much to eat. However, this is a concept that is often lost in translation. So now here we are, writing a whole book about it. We decided that it’s important to begin this book with an understanding of what exactly we are referring to.
Intuitive Eating is a dynamic interplay of instinct, thought, and emotion.
It’s a common misunderstanding to boil Intuitive Eating down to one of these two common incomplete descriptions:
Eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full.
Eat whatever you want, whenever you want.
Those two sentences leave out the important piece that makes Intuitive Eating such an empowering and healthful way to approach eating.
Let’s take a closer look into this:
Instinct: Our natural instinct to seek out food when we’re hungry and to stop eating when we’re full is what most people think about when they first learn of Intuitive Eating. Our brain, including neurochemicals and appetite hormones, controls these instincts of how much, when, and what we feel like eating—otherwise known as our desires. We do not consciously control our instincts and appetite. Many people believe their appetites, or food cravings, are wrong or bad—thoughts that have come from a long history of messaging with puritanical roots. They aren’t wrong; it’s diet culture that has attached shame to them. When we attempt to override these instincts and, say, count our calories instead of satisfying our hunger, we throw off our body’s communication system and send confusing messages to our brain. Our instincts are very wise, and they play an important role in Intuitive Eating.Thought: Our thoughts also play a big part in our eating decisions, particularly thoughts about our bodies and food. Some of the most influential thoughts that impact appetite, drive to eat, and eating choices are dieting thoughts. Restraint theory and habituation theory are psychological influencers of Intuitive Eating, and are two of the biggest ways our thoughts dictate our behavior. For example, when we think I shouldn’t be eating this or My diet starts Monday, most people will have a very predictable behavioral response of “overeating.” On the other hand, if our thought is I can have that later when I’m hungry, no need to eat it now if I’m not, there is no drive to eat just because something is available. We biologically and subconsciously need to avoid famine for survival—and dieting is interpreted as famine by our brains. When our thoughts aren’t influenced by deprivation or restriction, we can focus on the present. Examples of thoughts about eating for the present that don’t involve deprivation include: How hungry am I? What sounds good? I’m allowed to eat whatever I want. These thoughts do not create a drive to overeat, because there simply is no need to if you can have what you need or want when you get hungry again. The need to overeat comes from the threat of deprivation—thinking that you shouldn’t eat something, you won’t have it again for a long time, you aren’t allowed to eat something, or you feel guilty for eating something. These diet-mentality thoughts have a strong impact on Intuitive Eating and are something you’ll learn much more about as you read this book.Emotion: “Emotional eating” is often thrown around as a bad term when we talk about eating. But there is no way around it, emotions are a part of the human eating experience. There’s nothing wrong with this despite emotional eating being commonly referred to as a no-no by diet culture. Emotion, as one of the three parts of Intuitive Eating, includes how our feelings in the moment impact our appetite, cravings, and need to cope or soothe. The more in touch with our emotions we are, the more we can recognize how and why our emotions influence our desire to eat. When we have unmet emotional needs, food often becomes a quick and effective way to cope or soothe ourselves. It is eye-opening and critical to learn how our judgment surrounding emotional eating leads us to disconnect further from our body’s wisdom of how much to eat. Kids, just like adults, experience the need to cope and soothe and may have a drive to eat because it can feel distracting or soothing in response to their emotions. Have you ever noticed you might eat differently when you’re sad versus stressed? Excited versus worried? Kids who are very anxious may resist eating, eat to soothe, or not feel hungry. Our emotions can influence eating—creating avoidance of eating or a desire to eat.The combination of these three sources of information—our instincts, thoughts, and emotions—creates our unique Intuitive Eating experience. Intuitive Eating sources internal information from the body and mind, as opposed to external information. External rules and information are things outside of you. For example: labeling foods as good or bad, “healthy” or “unhealthy,” or restricting certain “off-limits foods” or even pressure to eat from a parent. Intuitive Eating is about looking inward, trusting your body, and having permission to eat. Interestingly, humans have evolved by eating intuitively over tens of thousands of years. It has only been in the past few hundred years or so that we turned away from Intuitive Eating to dieting, and only in the last few decades that we’ve been using specific information, like calories, fitness trackers, and food labels, to dictate what we should eat.
This dynamic interplay of instinct, thought, and emotion is something we’ll return to throughout the book.
WHY THIS BOOK NEEDED TO EXIST
We have so much compassion for the parents we see in our offices who come to us looking for guidance and have so many different concerns: My child is sneaking food. My kid just wants to eat sweets all day. My child is afraid to eat. My child is losing/gaining weight and we’re worried. I try to make them eat vegetables but they refuse. I’m afraid about their future.
Parents and caregivers, we hear you. You want the best for your child, and you’re trying to do this “right,” but you’re struggling to know what the next step is. Perhaps deep down you know that being strict and controlling your kids’ food may not be right for them, but there is so much pressure for parents to feed their kids perfectly and raise healthy, high-achieving humans. It’s almost impossible to not feel incredibly confused by it all.
We believe we’ve been focusing on the wrong things forever. The biggest problem we face with feeding our kids is that early on they are losing touch with their natural, healthy relationship with food and body. It’s rare to find a book or even information from a doctor that emphasizes the positive impact having a healthy relationship with food and body has on a child throughout their life. On the other hand, you don’t have to look far to find facts about how “bad” processed foods are, how important it is to limit sugar or carbs, or the risks of “childhood obesity.” These messages are all around us and it would take superhuman powers to experience living, let alone parenting, without being influenced by them. Here lies the confusion. The very strategies and solutions that have been given to parents to ensure good health and nutrition for their kids are backfiring. What seem like harmless rules about eating develop into significant rebound behaviors many of the parents who come to us see in their homes. Parents have become so entrenched in diet mentality themselves, it’s unintentionally passed down to their kids. Our societal and media messaging about bodies—size, shape, gender, skin color, beauty standards, fitness standards, and so on—are incredibly powerful and do play a role in shaping self-confidence and self-respect in young people.
We see the confusion that kids and parents have about how to eat on a regular basis. The good news is, there is a way to help kids—and the whole family—that will help them become a confident eater with a healthy relationship with food and their body.
WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH
We can’t write a book about health and food without talking about mental health. No matter what your child eats, or how physically healthy their body is, if they are suffering emotionally and psychologically, they will not be well. We remind parents of this often. There are so often mental health issues to address when parents notice a concern about food. It’s time we as parents, and as a society, put our children’s relationship with food and body on the front burner, and appearance and weight on the back burner. This is how we refocus on mental health.
What if all these messages and all this pressure is impacting our kids’ mental health? Are we willing to sacrifice their mental health for the sake of a number on the scale or the potential to meet ever-shifting and impossible beauty standards? Of course not. And you may not have realized that you had been tricked into thinking that way until right now.
Commonly, messaging around mental and physical health is like this:
It’s important to maintain a “healthy” weight and eating habits.Mental health will fall in line as a result of having a healthy weight and eating healthfully (or it’s just not something that is a concern at all until there is an obvious problem).Instead, we invite you to think of things this way:
We need to protect and promote mental health and body appreciation no matter what body size someone has.Intuitive Eating is proven to be protective and healthier than any mode of dieting or rigid eating.Many things impact our health, both physical and mental. Some things we might not even realize are impacting us tremendously—including negative experiences in and near our bodies. Things like feeling unlovable, restricting food in order to change your body size, falling into “yo-yo” dieting, clinical or subclinical eating disorders, harmful overconcern about healthy eating (orthorexia), feeling shame about your body or eating habits, and feeling like you have to look a certain way in order to be successful or appreciated are common.
SELF-COMPASSION
Parenting is hard. Having to face your mistakes as a parent and try to do things differently makes parenting even harder. We are all in this struggle together. We are imperfect. We have learned that one of the most important things we can do is practice self-compassion.
So, what is self-compassion?
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you’re kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings—after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
—KRISTIN NEFF, PHD (self-compassion.org)
You will see us bring this up again and again—it’s easy to forget and beat yourself up. We can’t erase the past and start over, as much as we’d love to, but what we can do is learn how to make changes and feel compassion for ourselves and for our kids.
EATING IS ABOUT FOOD AND BODY—NOT JUST FOOD
As we move through the book, you’ll hear us mention food and body quite frequently. For a book that’s about eating, why do we talk so much about a child’s relationship with their body? Isn’t this about having a good relationship with food? Well, the two really can’t be separated. Our body, how we feel in it and about it, dictates thoughts and actions. How, when, what, and how much to eat are decisions we make in connection to our body. If a child has a positive relationship with their body, they will have an instinct to take care of it and feed it. If a child has a negative relationship with their body, they are more likely to ignore their body’s needs, deny their cravings or desires, or even inflict pain upon themselves. With awareness of these associations, you can begin to get a sense of how closely connected physical and mental health are, particularly when it comes to a person’s relationship with food.
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD?
That’s a big question. It’s the one that we are going to try to help you answer for yourself and for your child. Although the following most certainly isn’t a complete list, some of the ways a healthy relationship with food can be described are:
You don’t worry about “good” or “bad” eating, or feel a pressure to eat any certain way.To the extent you’re able, you’re willing to eat an amount of food your body needs for energy and satisfaction, and in the case of younger eaters, for growth and development.When you’re hungry you can sense it most of the time and allow yourself to eat without feeling bad or guilty.You can prioritize getting enough food over having to get certain “healthy” foods.You have permission to be flexible and spontaneous with food decisions.You’re able to stop eating when you feel you’ve had enough because you know you’ll have more food later when you need it. (Here we have to acknowledge that for those living with food insecurity—not knowing when, if, or how substantial the next meal will be—this might not be true. Having a healthy relationship with food is still possible, but we have to note that it’s a privilege to have that confidence in where your next meal is coming from.)What you eat and what your body looks like aren’t getting between you and your life.Read the points listed above again, only this time, picture a young toddler or an infant. Would you say these things describe how a very young child eats? Probably yes! Young children naturally have a positive relationship with food and their bodies unless there has been an interruption in their environment or by their caregiver, such as being denied food when hungry.
Copyright © 2022 by Sumner Brooks and Amee Severson
