s1What Is Narcissism?
We love ourselves more than other people
but care more about
their opinions than our own.
—MARCUS AURELIUS
Narcissism, like psychopathy, has always existed. It is part of the species Homo sapiens. Just as there are quiet and loud people, early birds and night owls, cat people and dog people, and so on, there are narcissists. Evolution has produced the phenomenon of narcissism, and there probably isn’t much point in our asking why. Perhaps it’s all a cruel joke that our creator came up with back at the dawn of time. “Check this out: I’m giving them an interesting challenge! Why don’t I send them a human-shaped Trojan horse?”
Why not, indeed? As a species, the human race has struggled in the face of a bewildering variety of problems and disruptions. Narcissism is just one example among many.
One thing that you’ll have to bear in mind when it comes to narcissism is that it isn’t a disease—it’s not really an aspect of mental health as such. You can’t treat it with medication or learn to live with it. Narcissism is a personality disorder. It’s important to realize this, so that you can immediately lay to rest any ideas you have of curing or treating the condition. I’ll touch on the methods that tend to be used, but narcissism seems to be no more curable than color blindness or the unfortunate affliction that causes some people to enjoy listening to the Rolling Stones. It is, as they say, what it is.
Wikipedia says: “Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or megalomania is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive craving for admiration, and struggles with empathy.”
The Mayo Clinic offers this description of narcissistic personality disorder: “… a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.”
Just like many other diagnoses, this one is frequently used rather imprecisely in everyday conversation. Sometimes all it takes for somebody to be labeled the office narcissist is that they tend to get a little carried away when they talk about themself. Self-centered people can certainly be irritating, and it’s definitely one of the signs of narcissism, but it isn’t the only one.
COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF NARCISSISM
Unrealistic, grandiose self-imageIncredibly self-centeredSpeak only about themselvesFeeling special and uniqueArrogance and haughtinessQuick to criticize and judge othersHighly sensitive to criticismThink the rules don’t apply to themConstant self-promotionFeeling entitled to the best of everythingValue power and fameDemand constant acknowledgmentWill respond with aggression when questionedDeceitful and manipulativeAll these separate points can be broken down into smaller components, and studying the various points in depth is worthwhile, as it can often help you find the explanation for what might otherwise have remained just a feeling. I’m sure you’ve met people who would be diagnosed as narcissists, even if you never knew it at the time. You’ve probably thought things like, This feels odd, or, Why is this conversation making me uncomfortable? Is there something wrong with me? Perhaps this description will help clear these things up for you.
In addition, if you’ve been incorrectly told that somebody is a narcissist, this chapter will give you the tools you need to figure it out. You’ll learn to detect the patterns, even if you’re not a qualified psychologist.
AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT EACH CHARACTERISTIC
If we take a brief look at each characteristic, we’ll soon see that they all actually fit together rather well. Some of them even overlap without being identical.
UNREALISTIC SELF-IMAGE
This is sometimes called a grandiose self-image. Having an unrealistic self-image is exactly what you’d expect: It involves having a self-image that doesn’t match up with reality. “Unrealistic” seems to be open to two different interpretations, however: Wouldn’t a highly successful individual who felt like an utter failure also have an unrealistic self-image? All “realistic” means in this context is that it matches up well with reality, after all. In this case, though, I’m only discussing the inverse relationship: people who overestimate their achievements, so that even those who are moderate failures might see themselves as true winners.
One particular kind of narcissist (who, unlike other narcissists, actually often end up seeking help, partly because of the depressions they suffer and partly for the recognition it affords them) tends to think of themselves as failures. However, they make a point of pointing out that their failure is the direct result of their unfair treatment at the hands of the world, and that their talents would surely have set them apart from the masses if it hadn’t been for that. They’re usually jealous of other people and often suspect that their successes must have been achieved by nefarious means, rather than genuine talent or merit, like those of the narcissist.
Narcissists’ unrealistic self-images will often hinge on their failure to acknowledge their own limitations. They take jobs they aren’t qualified for and then experience genuine surprise at how challenging they find them. They get involved in discussions about subjects they know next to nothing about and then have a difficult time accepting it when their ignorance is exposed and they lose the argument.
INCREDIBLY SELF-CENTERED
Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines self-centeredness as self-sufficiency on the one hand and being concerned solely with one’s own desires, needs, or interests on the other. The former has nothing to do with narcissism—on the contrary, narcissists tend to be utterly dependent on others for satisfying their psychological needs. Narcissists essentially think only about themselves, their own experiences, their preferences, and their needs. Other people? Well, they do exist, certainly, but mainly to be exploited by the narcissist for their own benefit.
Basically, everything else orbits the narcissist. Their view of the world is the only one that matters, and everyone else had better adjust. Anything that happens in the vicinity of a narcissist will be judged based on their own opinions. If they see an angle that might allow them to benefit from a situation, that’s a positive—even if it has negative consequences for ten other people. If it’s bad for the narcissist but good for one hundred others, it’s a bad thing overall.
SPEAK ONLY ABOUT THEMSELVES
Any conversation will inevitably end up being about the narcissist. The topic doesn’t really matter much. Nothing comes more naturally to narcissists than inserting themselves into everything. That’s what interests them the most, after all. Narcissists want to be involved in every story and announce their experience of something or other. Since other people aren’t too interesting, it only makes sense to change the subject to something more exciting. And if a narcissist should fail to make the particular subject of conversation about them, they will simply change the subject to make it more directly about them.
I’m sure you know the old joke:
That’s enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?
FEELING SPECIAL AND UNIQUE
Narcissists feel that they are highly unique and genuinely special. Naturally, every human being is unique in their own way, but to a narcissist, what this means is that they genuinely possess abilities that almost nobody else has. They have different, better talents than everyone else.
They look better, are smarter, or are more successful. These are individuals who think of themselves as God’s gift to humanity. They consider themselves to be fully and completely fabulous, and if anybody claims otherwise there will be trouble. On top of this, people who tend towards narcissism will often imagine that people appreciate or even love them to a very great extent. They seriously believe that they are highly popular among many people—perhaps more popular than anybody else—but the truth is that they are more likely to be popular with a particular group of people and far less so in other circles.
Narcissists believe themselves to be on top of the world even when everyone else can see they aren’t even close.
QUICK TO CRITICIZE AND JUDGE OTHERS
Since a narcissist is already the best at everything, and shares this fact freely with anyone they meet, they also know that everyone else is far worse at everything. They don’t mind sharing this fact, either, often in a rather judgmental fashion. Since a narcissist feels entitled to think and say whatever they want to, they often do just that. And, as a result of their obvious contempt for everyone else, they can’t help but put people down. Basically, putting others down makes narcissists feel better, because it makes them feel more important. Like winners—more or less.
Since narcissists tend to exhibit arrogance and haughtiness in their behavior and attitudes, there are only a few people whom they will be prepared to spend their time and attention on. The little people aren’t really worthy of their attention.
A narcissist who possesses developed social skills can cause tremendous harm to unwitting victims. An example of this is the tremendous increase we’ve seen in hate speech online in recent years. Attacking people you don’t like for some reason or another is a particular specialty of narcissists. It doesn’t matter if the victim is guilty or innocent. Since narcissists are unhindered by moral laws, believe they are entitled to do what they want, and feel that putting others down somehow elevates them, they’re prepared to spend huge amounts of time picking people apart. Sometimes they’re basically just bullies.
HIGHLY SENSITIVE TO CRITICISM
Some people are quick to criticize because they prefer an open and frank conversation, but when it comes to narcissists, this is always a one-way street. They feel entitled to criticize and tear down others, but they are far too sensitive to be prepared to listen to what people think of them. Since they will invariably take any criticism as a sign that the world around them is failing to perceive their greatness, they will react quickly, often with forceful, sudden rage. And along with that, a thirst for vengeance.
Criticism can be interpreted in a variety of ways. On the one hand, it could be genuine criticism, that is, a negative assessment of the narcissist’s performance, for example. However, it could also be a case of insufficient praise, or not cheering loud enough about how wonderful their achievements are. If what you give the narcissist fails to live up to their expectations, they can erupt at any moment.
THINK THE RULES DON’T APPLY TO THEM
The previous point frequently results in the following. Because narcissists think of themselves as incredibly special and unique, an interesting effect occurs: The rules and regulations that the rest of society has agreed on don’t apply to them. It could be anything from sticking to the speed limit to taking responsibility at work. If you genuinely believe that the ordinary rules of society don’t apply to you, that will set you apart. Making an effort to be nice and acting polite and welcoming are within a narcissist’s repertoire, of course, but since they feel no genuine compulsion to conform to these norms, they are able to drop the pretense with surprising speed if provoked.
This is one of the reasons why other people seldom have any genuine appreciation for narcissists. They can certainly attract a coterie of admirers to orbit them, but nobody genuinely likes them. Their lack of respect for the rules makes them too unpredictable. Most people find this exhausting in the long run. Narcissists’ relationships are actually much more superficial than they may realize.
CONSTANT SELF-PROMOTION
The first word, of every sentence, is “I.” “I think, I feel, I believe, I wish, I want, I demand…” Because narcissists think of themselves as the best at everything, they will always emphasize their own qualities. They are also bound to inform everybody about their popularity, important acquaintances, and unrivaled network. This is a variant of the grandiose self-image, and it can produce an odd effect when a narcissist keeps emphasizing their contributions to the world. This goes beyond simply talking about yourself, too.
Narcissists might well donate money to charities—they just won’t do it unless they can somehow tell the rest of the world that they did it. The reason for this is very simple: They want to receive credit for their huge hearts. Donating one hundred dollars to Save the Children isn’t enough for them; to ensure that they will receive the ovations they deserve from their imagined fans, they have to post about it on Instagram and Facebook.
Alarmingly enough, narcissists are overrepresented within the hierarchies of global charities such as Save the Children or UNICEF. They do the minimum amount of work required of them but make a point of trying to climb the rungs of the organization at the expense of colleagues who have actually dedicated their lives to charity work. Yes, this has been studied, too.
FEELING ENTITLED TO THE BEST OF EVERYTHING
Narcissists feel entitled to the best the world has to offer. This is an important drive for them, a constant striving for perfection and need to have the very best. Just like a little child imagines that they can get away with doing anything they feel like, narcissists do the same because they feel entitled to it. Claiming space, insulting or stepping on others, receiving maximal compensation for minimal effort—narcissists feel naturally entitled to all that stuff.
In addition, it’s also their essential birthright to live in the most elegant house in the best neighborhood, drive the most expensive car, and wear only the finest clothes. The list goes on. Whenever a narcissist wants something, this feeling hinges on the sense that they are entitled to it. No further arguments are necessary. However illogical this may sound, it seems perfectly rational to them. And since they prefer their rewards to be instant, they won’t hesitate to take a shortcut.
VALUE POWER AND FAME
Power and fame are highly valued attributes in the eyes of a narcissist. They are evidence of the narcissist’s worth, which is something everybody should be acknowledging. Attention matters. Amusingly enough, narcissists don’t insist that the attention they receive be positive. Negative attention is better than no attention at all. In this regard, narcissists are just like little children.
The consequence of this is that narcissists, like psychopaths, are drawn to any place in which power and attention tend to concentrate. However, problems will soon arise if people fail to acknowledge narcissists’ importance. They may even exhibit signs of mild depression if they don’t receive the attention they crave.
DEMAND CONSTANT ACKNOWLEDGMENT
Many people work hard and enjoy basking in the recognition they receive from the world for the successes they achieve. But that’s it for them. The acceptance they’ve been given actually satisfies them. Not so for narcissists.
These people live for constant recognition. And since they believe themselves to be entitled to it, they are always looking to get more, too. This could be an employee who always runs errands for the boss in exchange for praise. But it could also be a boss who keeps buying the team cake in order to hear how popular they are.
Narcissists’ need for recognition requires constant refilling, and this can seem incomprehensible to the people around them. How could anybody need to be told how handsome, well-dressed, skilled, successful, and popular they are—every single day?
DECEITFUL AND MANIPULATIVE
Narcissists are often highly efficient when it comes to detecting people’s weaknesses. They also tend to be prepared to exploit these weaknesses to deceive and defraud their victims. Exploiting others comes naturally to them. They are often indifferent to the emotions of others, which makes them skilled at manipulating the people around them. Since they are reasonably indifferent to the danger of being exposed, they will take risks and behave with such boldness that it can often be difficult to believe that they are being deceitful.
WHAT CONCLUSIONS CAN WE DRAW SO FAR?
These are the basic features of narcissism. There are psychological tools we can use to measure these characteristics quite accurately, and I will be discussing one of these later on. If you score high enough for each area, you might actually be a narcissist in the clinical sense. However, the diagnosis can only be made by qualified experts, who specialize in this particular area. Not just any psychologist is qualified to do this, because many within the field believe that narcissism and even psychopathy are treatable conditions. They are approaching the whole problem from the wrong direction, basically.
Plenty of ordinary people exhibit distinct narcissistic traits without ever being diagnosed. There is no doubt, either, that our society promotes and rewards these kinds of behavior. I’m going to take a closer look at some of these behaviors and identify the risks involved. I’ll also be looking into whether there might be any benefits to being a narcissist.
Copyright © 2022 by Thomas Erikson. Translation © 2022 by Jan Salomonsson
