CHAPTER 1
Be Where Your Feet Are
If you must look back, do so forgivingly.
If you must look forward, do so prayerfully.
However, the wisest thing you can do is to be present in the present. Gratefully.
—Maya Angelou
Pause for a minute and consider the environment in which we live. The pulse of the world is dictated by sensationalism and efficiency. And noise. Too much noise, all the time.
We race and rush through our days. We compress our thoughts into 280 characters. We demand the antibiotic over the phone without seeing the doctor. We spend hours filtering our lives to wrinkleless perfection—no generation in human history has cared more about people “liking” them. We now curate our own media, providing polarizing views to complex issues that are summarized in a few sentences—specifically designed to grab attention. This pushes us to the edges of the middle and often beyond. Sensationalism sells, and all of this online mess manages to enrage, further divide, and bring a sort of energy and extremism to our world that we’d be better off without.
Our minds lack focus and travel with a speed equal to that of our lives. For those who are hard-charging, ambitious, and on the rise in their careers or other endeavors they’re passionate about, the line between work and home and home and work has blurred to the point of disintegration. We are always “on,” accessible and available.
With so many distractions, it is harder today than ever to be where your feet are. It has also never been more important. It is unlikely you will ever find me teaching at a Zen meditation center, as I don’t always do a great job of finding inner peace or feeling content with simply “being.” That’s just not my natural state, although sometimes I wish it were. When speaking in front of groups, big and small, I’m always asked versions of the following questions about balance: Can you be successful at work and have a good home life? If you want to be a great dad, can you succeed at work? Can working moms have it all? How do you find work-life balance? My answer is always the same: I have no idea. It is not because I don’t work a lot; I do. It is not because I am not connected and at one with my family; I am. Nor is it because I am happily tucked into my chair at the dinner table at 5:15 p.m. It is not because I don’t put a high priority on my wife, Lisa, and my daughters and my career; I do. I simply have no clue in this day and age how to find work-life balance, and that is more than okay with me. It is okay because it is not the answer I am concerned about, it is the question … it is the wrong question. I don’t believe the good life is about finding balance between work and home. It’s about living the moments we have where and when we have them. Balance does not breed greatness, and as my good friend Lara O’Connor Hodgson is fond of saying, it is not much fun to play on a see-saw that is perfectly balanced.
The question we need to be asking and answering is: How do you maintain the discipline to be where your feet are?
When I’m at my best, I am wholly present. When I’m at work, I’m at work. When I’m with my kids, I’m with my kids. When I’m coaching the seventh-grade girls’ basketball team, I’m totally there, in the gym. On a date night with Lisa, I am 100 percent present. Of course, no matter how much I want it to be true, I’m not always at my best. On occasion, Lisa has told me, in her own way, to put my phone down. “I’ll wait,” she’ll say, and then stare me down. Translation: “If you think that text you are reading is more important than our time together, please let me know, and when you are ready to have a meaningful conversation, I am ready.” Hearing her say that never feels great, but it is better than the message I am sending her with my phone in hand, eyes down, and ferociously typing. So, no, I am not perfect, but I aspire to continue to improve and work toward a more present me, because I am better at all aspects of life that matter when I am in that space.
And so are you.
Being present is harder than ever. For all the goodness and increased productivity that 24/7, readily accessible information and connectivity have brought, they have made compartmentalizing roles, jobs, and responsibilities tougher and tougher. There is no longer a start or stop time in the workday. Instead, we can walk on the treadmill while scrolling through a presentation, listen to voicemails on line at the grocery store, and check texts in the middle of the night (or worse, while driving—please don’t). Movie theaters have to actually run ads during the previews telling us we cannot text during the main feature!
We have a problem. We need to be more present.
Here’s a four-part process to help this journey:
1. Find perspective;
2. Seek authentic feedback;
3. Cultivate reflective strength;
4. Live your leadership constitution.
Find Perspective
The Blue Duffel Bag
My 76ers colleague Dave Sholler, our executive vice president of communications, embodies the ability to be where your feet are. He is famous in our office both for his inspiring commitment to his family and for his ability to remain remarkably focused when work requires it. He is known for saying, “I am going to have to call you back in 15 minutes, playing games with the kids,” or “I have to call you later, our family dinner is about to start.” But when it comes to high-stress moments where the communications department is on the front lines—the NBA draft, free agency, a big trade, or simply a team struggling to meet lofty expectations—Dave shines. He defuses incredibly tense meetings with an easy smile, a reassuring comment, and his unique ability to direct people back to the core point of the meeting when it has gone astray. What keeps Dave grounded and has made him the person he is today and fuels his mindset and priorities was a life-altering experience that happened more than 25 years ago.
Copyright © 2021 by Scott M. O’Neil
