1
SIX MONTHS EARLIER
It was six a.m., possibly earlier. Leanne was breast-feeding Hank on her side of the bed, which wasn’t just her side of the bed anymore. It was cozy nook and strenuous office. It was where she kept the important pillows. The life-giving pillows. It was where she secreted fluids: milk, blood, and sweat. It was the place she’d spent so much time in the past four months that she joked to friends that she’d created a divot in the mattress.
And so it was the same this morning. She was fastened, rooted to the spot even though a bizarre sound pulled her eyes up from her phone. “Fuck,” she whispered. Their dog was heaving at the foot of the bed. She nudged James with her elbow. “She’s gonna throw up! June—she’s gonna throw up!”
James sat up abruptly, still half-asleep and just a second too late to relocate their little dog to the hardwood floor in the hallway just outside their room. She’d already vomited all over the duvet cover.
But fifteen minutes later, Hank was done nursing; James had sopped up the vomit, removed the duvet cover, cleaned up June’s furry beard, and crawled back into bed. Leanne placed the baby into the crook of his arm and watched as James singsonged, “Good morning!” and Hank slowly turned his head, found his dad’s face, and smiled—a huge, shoulder-shrugging smile.
“Who wakes up like that?” Leanne said. She nuzzled her face into her son’s neck and gave him a quick succession of kisses.
“Not June,” James said.
“She probably knows we’re leaving this morning.”
They were going to Palm Springs, a two-hour drive away, for the night for her friend Regina and her husband Val’s anniversary party. “She’s so sensitive,” Leanne said with faux sympathy. And then: “Are you dropping her off at WagVille or am I?” She pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.
“I thought we’d do it on our way out.”
Leanne nodded. “After Hank’s nap.”
“Of course.” The way he said it implied a firm awareness of Leanne’s ritualistic way of handling the baby’s nap, which took place about an hour and a half after he first woke up: she tucked him in on the couch, sat down right beside him, pulled up The Best of Debussy via YouTube, and started in on the day’s work session as he dozed. It was something she’d done in the weeks after he was born, when she didn’t know she could put him down in the crib and walk away from him, and something that she apparently couldn’t keep up for much longer. He wasn’t a newborn anymore. She knew she was supposed to celebrate this milestone, but now everyone—mostly her mother and Ofelia, their nanny who came twice a week—talked about getting the baby on a schedule and napping in his crib, and what was celebratory about that? She liked being near him when he slept, liked listening to his breathing change. A slumbering baby at her side was like being pregnant again: she could do what she pleased for the most part and be a mother.
“I gotta rest up myself,” James said. “So I can maintain consciousness while talking to Val about amateur stair running or that one guy with the Woody Allen glasses who—”
“Woody Allen glasses?”
“Yeah, and the curly hair.”
“Chip?”
“I think so.”
“I don’t think those are Woody Allen glasses.”
“Well, whatever. I don’t like talking to him.”
“He likes you, though,” Leanne said, smiling, scooping Hank into her arms.
* * *
But why your fourth anniversary? Leanne had wanted to ask when Regina first told her about the planned party months ago over speakerphone, but she’d held back. Their friendship hadn’t typically included questions like that—questions that emphasized the discrepancies between their lifestyles. Like the fact that Regina owned a high-end homeware shop located in West Hollywood, whereas Leanne, at least up until her eighth month of pregnancy, had worked part-time at a similar but different high-end homeware shop (also located in West Hollywood).
Both stores catered to an elite set of clientele, many of whom were celebrities. Each time a famous person came in, it surprised Leanne how exciting it was. Why was it exciting? They were strangers. But that was—she guessed—the whole trick of it. They didn’t feel like strangers. She was the stranger. One time Jimmy Kimmel came in with his fiancée. They were going to register at the store. Normally, Leanne hated registries. It was a lot of work that amounted to zero sales, at least on that initial visit. But with Jimmy and his fiancée, Leanne had been happy to do it. And as she walked them through the various dinnerware lines, she could feel herself performing.
“Is it all dishwasher safe?” the fiancée asked.
“Absolutely. Dishwasher, microwave, and even oven safe up to four hundred degrees.”
“Up to four hundred degrees?” Jimmy said.
“Yes,” Leanne said.
“So it’s not really oven safe.”
“It wants to be. It’s aspirational.”
Jimmy had smiled and laughed the smallest laugh that made Leanne feel like a champion for approximately one hour. She also felt dumb for falling so easily and uninterestingly into the role of admiring fan.
This, in a way, also came to describe her friendship with Regina.
The other reason she hadn’t asked why the fourth anniversary? was more logistical. Regina had called her via Bluetooth on her drive to spin class, and there was something so depersonalizing about talking to someone via speakerphone, the way they always sounded like they were being flushed down a toilet.
Even so, Leanne liked hearing Regina’s voice, liked hearing her talk at her about her life, a life that had also recently gone through a major transformation; Regina too had had a baby, a little girl named, embarrassingly (for Leanne at least) Ursa Major. Ursa on its own was fine, and it was what she and Val seemed to call her the most often, but the two together? To be named after the night sky? It wasn’t something Leanne would want to have to live up to.
That’s why she’d chosen Hank. Plain as day. Plus, you could add the letter T and get Thank.
* * *
They’d first met years and years ago at James’s work Christmas party, back when Leanne and James weren’t even engaged. They were twenty-three, maybe twenty-four. They’d hit it off at the party, but nothing really came of it until much later when they discovered a shared enthusiasm for group exercise classes—an enthusiasm born of another shared pastime: a lifetime of attempting and/or maintaining thinness. (Ideally, with some level of tone.)
But slowly, geologically, the workouts led to getting drinks led to going to the movies led to becoming women who called each other up whenever something they felt like sharing popped into their heads, who had even spent Christmas Eve together at Regina’s parents’ house in Beverly Hills. It was lovely, yet Leanne could admit she was after something better—that rarer kind of friendship, the kind that came so much more easily when she was younger, back when that self-protective outer layer of human ego fell away more readily, leaving two exposed animals seeking warmth in each other. Like what she had with Mary Anne, her college roommate. They’d danced naked in her room to the Talking Heads together; they’d slept in each other’s beds; they’d told each other harrowing details about tampons they’d inserted toward the end of their periods and then forgotten about. But you can’t rush these things, she’d told herself. They would get there. Eventually.
So instead, when Regina told her about the party in Palm Springs, Leanne responded with a decisive “Great!”
It was great for her. She’d come to love attending Regina’s parties, standing shoulder to shoulder with the rich.
But James would sooner have stayed at home. Leanne had convinced him that it was going to be fun, that it would be their first road trip as a family of three. They could get date shakes! “Fine,” James had said. “But we’re not getting them an anniversary gift. It’s gonna cost enough for a hotel and babysitter.”
“It’s not all fun and games,” Leanne had said. “It’ll be good for the book.” Leanne’s first book, Diary of a Home Cook: A Year in Recipes, was coming out in August, five months from now, and she knew for a fact that one of the women who would be at the party wrote for T magazine.
At this, James had sighed. “Sometimes I worry about you.” He was kidding. He was not kidding.
2
Leanne wouldn’t say it outright to anyone, but her son was special.
It wasn’t quite fair because technically and physically speaking, he was: he had a streak of pure white hair sprouting out at the very crown of his otherwise brown-haired head. Like a superhero.
In her last post on the food blog that had gotten her the book deal, she’d made Butter Chicken and then, at the end, included a few photos of Hank and his nursery. Since then, she kept getting questions on her blog or Instagram about Hank’s stuff: what kind of crib, who makes the sheets, where did she get the toy accordion, and so forth. But Leanne knew it wasn’t the products that were special. She and James couldn’t afford the expensive, particularly twee baby stuff. It was the baby.
* * *
This morning, she had two emails waiting for her from inquiring women. The first wanted to know about the bronze brackets holding up a shelf in his room. The second asked about his baby quilt, which James’s mom had made for him.
Another email confirmed the time and dates of the writing class she’d be teaching that summer. The reminder set off a faint tremor of panic. She hadn’t thought of her time away from teaching as a maternity leave, especially since she’d never stopped working toward the release of her book; she’d had essays to write and publicity to plan. But teaching felt definitive. To instruct other humans she would need to be showered, dressed, and not open to interruption. She forwarded the email to James—her way of reminding him that he’d agreed to watch Hank those mornings when she’d be working.
But there was another email that interested her the most. It was from a famous writer, Maxine Hunter. A few months ago, Leanne had read her most recent novel and become mildly obsessed with it. The book was like nothing she’d previously encountered. It felt deeply personal—the main character’s name was Maxine—but also somehow detached, like reading her diary, though a version that had been edited by a Buddhist monk.
On Maxine’s website Leanne had found that Maxine apparently sent out a newsletter, or rather, what she called “An intermittent note about what I am doing, or sometimes a story or a piece of writing.”
Leanne signed up right away and was now getting her first missive, not exactly a personal email, but a thrill all the same.
Dear Readers:
I’m writing to ask you a favor. I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me. I want you to give me your very first response. Your instinctual answer. In fact, if you only have time to simply read the question but not to answer it, please stop reading and come back later when you have time.
Leanne paused to take a look at Hank sleeping next to her. He looked very sleepy. She kept reading.
Here’s the question: What do you think of a married couple (they’ve been married for about six to ten years) in their late thirties or early forties who don’t have children?
I look forward to reading each and every answer.
Maxine
Leanne began typing right away:
Hello Maxine,
The first thing that comes to mind is a woman who lives in my neighborhood. She’s forty-one, and her husband is at least a couple of years older. She’s not just my neighbor. We’re friendly (?). She makes these caftan-like dresses, and I’ve purchased a couple of them. Anyway, they don’t have kids. Before I got pregnant, I kind of assumed that they couldn’t—or that they were still trying but so far it hadn’t worked out.
When I was pregnant enough to start telling people, I told her the news and then asked if she wanted kids. She said, “Maybe, someday. Although it’s getting a bit late.”
In short, my assumption remains the same. That they tried, that it didn’t work, and so now they’re going to have a really aesthetically beautiful life. Maybe an internally beautiful life too? #bestofluck
But seriously, in the past year, they’ve embarked on a bunch of home improvement projects, and their house looks spectacular. She also has an amazing wardrobe, drives a black BMW, and always smells like a botanical garden. I imagine that if I didn’t have a child or wasn’t going to, I would try and go this route too. Specifically, I would hire a landscaper to plant jasmine all along our backyard fence. I would also buy my hand creams and face lotions at small boutiques instead of CVS. I would get really good at yoga and be sure to go to the Korean spa at least once a month.
On another note, I recently read your book Koala Life and LOVED it. I actually read it while my son went from being a few days old to a month old. He’s four months now. I look very forward to reading whatever it is you send us or publish next.
All the best,
Leanne Hazelton
Leanne struggled as to whether or not to mention that she had her own book coming out, but ultimately she decided not to. She didn’t want Maxine to think that she wanted anything other than some sort of conversation. Even if she did.
She hit Send.
She moved on to Facebook, which was typically next in line after Gmail, followed by Twitter, before opening whichever Word document she was supposed to be working on. (How often she checked Instagram depended on the handiness of her phone, though occasionally she found herself on the desktop version of the site.) But Facebook was where she first saw the video. It caught her attention because a few people, none of whom held any kind of relation to one another except that they were all friends with Leanne, had posted it. A woman she used to work with had posted it with the caption: “Weirdest outfit ever.” Regina’s husband, Val, wrote, “The art of getting dressed y’all!” and then someone James had gone to college with simply wrote, “#thanksInternet.”
She looked at Hank next to her as she turned the volume almost all the way down on Debussy and then clicked on the video for it to play. Hank stayed asleep as the video opened with a shot of a man with his back to the camera. The man wore nothing but a pair of gray boxer briefs; he looked to be in decent, normal shape if not a little thin. He was standing in the middle of a sparsely furnished mid-century modern living room with floor-to-ceiling windows. It was a room Leanne immediately recognized as Val and Regina’s living room. The camera then swooped around him panoramically, dramatically—revealing his face. Oh. It was Val, she realized. His face was bearded as per usual. But he looked quite serious. He held a saucer in one hand and a teacup in the other. He took a sip and then looked out the window with purpose, like Batman patrolling Gotham from atop one of its skyscrapers.
Copyright © 2022 by Amelia Morris