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Macmillan Childrens Publishing Group

The Queen V

Everything You Need to Know About Sex, Intimacy, and Down There Health Care

Dr. Jackie Walters

Andy Cohen Books

MORE ABOUT THIS BOOK

Introduction


I want to let you in on a secret. It’s something I wish someone had told me decades ago.

Since getting my MD, as a board-certified OB-GYN in Atlanta I’ve sat down with thousands of women at all stages of their lives. Celebrities you’re used to seeing onstage, I’m used to seeing in the stirrups. But you don’t have to have a high profile to book an appointment with me. Regular folks who shop in Target (just like I do) walk through the door of my private practice.

And while each and every woman I ask to put on a paper gown is absolutely unique, I have noticed some similarities among them. And it’s time I told everyone about those similarities.

The secret is that you, my dear, have a VP—and I’m about to introduce you to her.

WHAT EXACTLY IS A VP?

It’s your Vaginal Personality, and in my decades of practice, I’ve found there are five types. I’ve named them for the sake of clarity—and I think these names are pretty accurate—the Virgin Mary, the Sanctified Snatch, the Mary Jane, the Coochie-Chondriac, and the Notorious V.A.G.

Your VP can dictate everything from how soon you call me about a problem you’re having down there to how soon you take a man home with you after you meet him. Your VP often indicates how much detail you offer when you’re sharing your sexual history with me at an appointment and how much detail you offer your sexual partner about how to bring you to climax. It’s how introverted or extroverted you are. How outspoken or quiet you are. It’s how adventurous or reserved you are. It’s your sexual compass, sensual temperament, and the guardian of your vaginal health all rolled into one.

Intimate knowledge of your VP is absolutely essential for every woman. Knowing your VP and taking charge of your relationship to your own vagina will change your life—your VP has the power to prevent you from spending all weekend freaking out about a “strange” discharge, and it can keep you from accidentally getting pregnant. Embracing your VP can even take your sex life from ho-hum to, well, hotter than the ATL.

But women rarely think about their relationships to their own sexual health and their VPs—and don’t get me started on their actual vaginas. Often, we only consider them when it’s time for our annual appointment or when there’s a problem in our relationship, like sexual incompatibility. Be honest. You’ve probably spent more time thinking about what to watch on Netflix this week than about your vagina—unless you have a problem going on. And that’s fair, considering you probably haven’t heard of a VP until this very moment. But this moment is about to change everything.

HOW I FOUND MY VP

My first VP (that’s right, they can change over time!) was definitely dictated by my upbringing, which made me entirely, undeniably, and unapologetically a “Sanctified Snatch” (or an SS, for shorthand). You probably know someone just like I was: prim and proper, kindhearted, churchgoing, and oh-so-classy. The kind of girl who is definitely down to, ahem, make love but also “cleans up” right after sex.

I grew up very sheltered, and my parents, who were both schoolteachers, taught me to uphold a certain image of propriety. I needed to dress a certain way (i.e., conservatively: no boobs hanging out, no short skirts, and definitely no bare legs. That’s what stockings were for). I had to speak properly (no cursing and you better enunciate each word). And I certainly was expected to refrain from sex before marriage.

The story was the same for the circle of women that I tended to hang out with. As an SS, it would’ve been heresy to hang out with a Notorious V.A.G., for example. (If the name doesn’t give it away, all you need to know is that she’s your carefree, life-of-the-party type. I like having fun. Notorious V.A.G.s like being the fun.) Back then, hanging with a Notorious V.A.G. would’ve spelled trouble. Not much has changed, but these days I do think that trouble (in moderation) can be fun.

Once I got to college, things started to change because I was exposed to so many different types of friends: girls who would show up at a boy’s door wearing nothing under a trench coat, frat boys who serenade you outside your window by singing “I’m going to hit you with sperm until you squirm!” (No joke, that actually happened.) But the real turn came when I met my now-husband, Curtis. He respected me as the Sanctified Snatch I was, but after marriage, he got bored—so we got more adventurous. And this Sanctified Snatch turned into more of a Mary Jane—by kicking my sexy up a notch. You’ll learn more about that VP later.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX … AND YOUR VP

Break out your pencil because it’s time for a pop quiz. One of the best ways to figure out your VP (besides booking an appointment with me) is by taking this multiple-choice test that I designed. The most important thing to remember about this quiz is to be honest. Don’t give the answer that you wish were true or that was true for you five years ago. You’ve got to pick the answer that reflects where you are right here and right now in your life. Don’t judge your answers (again, that might make you change them). And don’t take this quiz with your best friend (see previous comment about tweaking your answers). If you truly want to understand yourself, then cast off embarrassment and embrace who you are with these twenty questions. Add up the point values that correspond to your answer for each question and see where you land in the end.

THE QUIZ: WHAT’S YOUR VAGINAL PERSONALITY?

1. When you pick up your phone to send your partner a sexy message, you:

a) Put it back down again. That’s waaaaay too bold. (+0)

b) Send a text message saying you can’t wait to see him or her again—and maybe use the eggplant or peach emoji (+1)

c) Send a text message—definitely using the eggplant, peach, pointing finger, and splashing sweat emojis (+2)

d) Hint at what they can expect this evening in a suggestive voicemail (+3)

e) Pose for a scantily clad Snapchat pic (+4)

2. It’s annual appointment time! When your gynecologist walks in the room to examine you, you’re usually:

a) Wearing nothing at all (+4)

b) Wearing the paper gown (+2)

c) Wearing the paper gown, your coat, socks, and a nervous smile (+2)

d) Was I supposed to get undressed? (+1)

3. Your favorite sexual position is:

a) Missionary (+0)

b) Spooning or doggie style (+1)

c) Reverse cowgirl (+2)

d) The bridge (+3)

4. When you’re in a relationship—and you’re in the mood—how frequently do you initiate sex with your partner?

a) Always; I’m a take-charge kind of woman (+4)

b) Often; why should I sit back and wait for the fun to start? (+3)

c) Sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do (+2)

d) Never. I’m a bit shy, and I prefer my partner to take the lead. (+1)

5. Ooh-ooh-ooh! Your partner just tried a new move in bed and you love it. How do you let them know?

a) I don’t need to let them know; they’ll figure it out (+0)

b) I squirm or smile. Body language does the trick (+1)

c) I moan so they get the picture (+2)

d) I flat-out tell them how amazing it feels (+3)

6. How honest are you with your gynecologist about your sexual history?

a) I tell them everything—including a few freaky sexcapades they haven’t even asked about (+4)

b) I’m holding back a little. I’ve got a few secrets I’m too embarrassed to share. (+3)

c) I answer every question in detail (+2)

d) Some things are best left between me and God (+4)

7. Real talk: Would you ever have sex with someone on the first date?

a) Definitely not. I’d have to get to know them first (+0)

b) Unlikely, but I never say never (+1)

c) Maybe. Depends on how fine they are (+2)

d) Absolutely. If sparks are flying, why wait? (+3)


Copyright © 2020 by Jacqueline Walters