You Are a Miserable Excuse for a Hero!

Book One in the Just Make a Choice! Series

Just Make a Choice! (Volume 1)

Bob Powers

St. Martin's Griffin

Why Do All the Nice Girls End Up Getting Kidnapped and Held for Ransom?

In this book, YOU, the reader, are a thirtysomething part-time actor/full-time waiter suddenly caught up in a kidnapping. Julia, the girl you went out with last night, has been TAKEN HOSTAGE. What will you do? Will you go to the police and ask for help? Will you burst into the hideout, killing everyone in sight, then tell Julia that she shouldn’t misinterpret this as some sort of big commitment? Or will you unplug your phone and just get really, really drunk? The choice is yours!

You awake to the sound of the phone ringing.


You hear a man’s voice. It is muffled. “We’ve got Julia.”

“Wait, what do you mean?”

“We have kidnapped your girlfriend. If you ever want to see her again---”

“Whoa, she’s not my girlfriend,” you say. “I just met her. I mean, I had a good time with her and all, but I wanna take it slow with this one, I think.”

“We understand,” the voice says. “But she’s new to the city, and presently, you’re all she has. Give us fifty thousand dollars by tomorrow or we’ll blow her head off.”

If you want to go and ask your parents if you can borrow fifty thousand dollars, go to page 173.

If you want to have sex with your ex-girlfriend, consider getting back together with her, then think better of it, go to page 183.

BE VERY CAREFUL! You’re directing the story and the CHOICES you make can result in MURDER, GRADUATE SCHOOL ENROLLMENT, TORTURE, MARRIAGE, POST-APOCALYPTIC SLAVERY, UNWANTED PREGNANCY, even TEMPING! It’s YOUR STORY and YOUR LIFE. All you’ve got to do is decide which page you want to turn to. JUST MAKE A CHOICE!


Read an Excerpt

You Are a Miserable Excuse for a Hero!
Wake Up, HeroYou awake to the sound of the phone ringing.“Hello?”You hear a man’s voice. It is muffled. “We’ve got Julia.”Your head is cloudy with a dream. “Who?”“Julia, the girl you went out with last night.”Julia, yes, the girl you met at the restaurant the other day. Pretty Julia, with whom just last night you had a delightful first date, followed by a promising first kiss.“Julia. Yeah. She’s great.”“We have her.”“Okay.” The dream recedes. “Wait,


Praise for You Are a Miserable Excuse for a Hero!

"You are a miserable excuse for a person if you don't buy this hilarious book. Bob Powers is some kind of comedy genius or something. Frankly, I'm scared."

-Paul Feig, creator of the TV series "Freaks and Geeks" and author of Superstud

"There are page turners and then there are page turners.  This wonderful, pathetic tale left me wanting more pages."

-Zach Galifianakis, Humorist

“No one I know writes so funny and so sad at the same time better than Bob Powers. If you're willing to take a chance and jump into his twisted mind, you're in for a delicious, cringe-inducing treat. …This book is like those great ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books we read as kids, if the pain and soul-crushing responsibility of adulthood had infested the whole thing.”

-Bryan Tucker, writer for "Chappelle's Show" and "Saturday Night Live"

"As I read Bob Powers' ‘Just Make a Choice!’ adventure, I endeavored to choose honestly, according to my own ethics and beliefs. Unfortunately, this resulted in babies being aborted, people being murdered, unspeakable debauchery and multiple dead-end jobs, just like my real life!"

-John Roderick, lead singer/songwriter, The Long Winters

Reviews from Goodreads



  • Bob Powers

  • Bob Powers is the author of the book Happy Cruelty Day! He has performed at HBO’s Aspen Comedy Festival, and is the creator of the Web site www.girlsarepretty.com. He lives in New York City.



Available Formats and Book Details

You Are a Miserable Excuse for a Hero!

Book One in the Just Make a Choice! Series

Just Make a Choice!

Bob Powers

  • e-Book



St. Martin's Griffin