“WE GOT HIM.”
by Yevgeny Pinkwater - The Daily Scrutinizer
The strike team spotted the compound from above, a pinwheel of menacing color amid the drab hills of our nation’s fermented birthplace. Six female rangers parachuted through the humid darkness and then crept toward the compound, which was enshrouded in a ring of overlapping canvas sails, a counterraid strategy that rendered the team’s shatterbolt equipment useless. The sails were adorned with strange occult patterns, portraits of large and/or hairy men, depictions of snarling hounds; whether these images were intended as dazzle camouflage or crude propaganda is still uncertain.
The team established a position just outside the largest tent, moving silently to elude the target’s henchmen, a cadre of collaborators that mirrored his elusive swerves across the rural districts. A biothermal scanner revealed the heat signature of the target’s breath, which appeared to be emanating from within a primitive wooden trunk. The team surrounded the tent while the shooter and her wingman entered through a flap in the front. Confirming the agency’s intelligence, the suspect’s inner sanctum was in a state of menacing squalor: An array of crude hand-smithed knives scattered upon an empty barrel. Reams of flash paper and explosive charges. Books on disappearance, on live burial, on mind control. Chains and restraints. Dog collars. Matching windbreakers.
The remainder of the team rushed the tent, assuming a three-horned assault formation around a crate markedWigs n Things. They carefully removed the lid and trained their weapons on the charismatic hatemonger cowering within—now just a trembling man in a tattered white tuxedo, half-buried in human hair and oversize shoes.
That man is Zloty Kornblatt, the instigator, conspirator, and fomenter, who was apprehended by an elite preemption squad mere hours ago. Kornblatt and his troupe of disciples had been traveling throughout the Burford encampments for several months, a recruitment drive posing as theatrical gaiety. Even as simple theatrics, these “performances” would have been unlicensed and therefore illegal—but, of course, insufficient licensing was the least of Kornblatt’s crimes, and theatrics were far from his true aim: mockery, destabilization, and anarchy, blurring the serious with the comical and the comical with the unintentional. Let Kornblatt’s capture serve as an example to any others who would sass all that we hold dear.
Through his rabid dedication to anonymity, Kornblatt had evaded government surveillance for several years—until, like all men of low character, he became sloppy. Yesterday evening, at a solicitation rally for prospective foot soldiers, he overlooked the presence of one Clemford Moritz, undersecretary for Burford Region Cohesion Enhancement. Moritz, shocked by Kornblatt’s lacerating personal attacks upon our Madame J (attacks so vicious and provocative that I am prohibited by law from relating them here, not that I’d want to anyway), filed a report in accordance with the new Transparency Initiative, instituted to ensure complete openness in all government–citizen interactions. Moritz’s report was delivered to his semiregional oversecretary, who quickly informed his division’s unanimity council, and so on, each bureau elevating the alert with admirable speed and thorough documentation. By dawn, Kornblatt was blubbering within the smooth walls of a mobile detention pod, bound for the Confinement Needle, where he shall remain (and blubber) until further notice.
In other news, Madame J today traveled from Destina to a cucumber farm in the northern territories, where she offered encouragement to the orphans working so hard to fill our nation’s jars. The Madame was resplendent in satin fatigues, accented with an orange sash to match the oxygen masks of the children, and a mink cadet cap from which her golden bangs flowed like a waterfall. She toured the facilities on a moving platform and even walked among the children for a short time, favoring her right leg as she bore her wartime injury with grace and composure. In the crook of her arm she held Simeon, the cobalt Javanese octopus that has become our nation’s most beloved invertebrate. A bearded assistant carrying a spray bottle of saline solution kept Simeon moist while Madame J distributed ration poppers and finger wipes to the children, who then performed an aria of gratitude.
“Some people call these children orphans,” the Madame said in a press briefing later, gently stroking Simeon with a white-gloved hand. “But I don’t see them that way. They are the children of our nation. I am, almost literally, the mother of all these unfortunate little people you see all around you. I understand what a grave responsibility this is. That is why I am here. I can think of no greater honor than to nurse these children as if I birthed them myself.” Citizens are discouraged from envisioning the Prime Mother in the act of nursing, whether literal or metaphorical; nevertheless, our nation’s gratitude for the nourishment of her milk (strictly metaphorical) is very real.
May your strivings today result in actionable and profitable outcomes.
Copyright © 2015 by Eli Horowitz
Illustrations copyright © 2015 by Ian Huebert
