NOVEMBER
NOVEMBER 1 8:15 PM
Ways to keep Jill from getting pregnant
Refuse to have sex
Fake orgasms
Wear a condom without her knowledge
Get a vasectomy without her knowledge
Realistic ways to keep Jill from getting pregnant
Fake orgasms
NOVEMBER 2 6:00 AM
Finances
Savings: 11,562
Income
What I tell Jill: 1,800
Reality: 773
Jill: 2,900
Expenses
Mortgage: 2,206
Toyota: 276
Honda: 318
Car insurance: 175
Student loans: 395
Cable and Internet: 215
Electric: 85
Oil: 775! (WTF?)
Phones: 180
Gas: 120
Other stuff: Too much
Number of months before we run out of money
9
Number of months before Jill thinks we will run out of money
Never
Number of minutes per hour that I worry about running out of money
52 (approximately)
NOVEMBER 4 6:00 AM
DAYS WITHOUT
NOVEMBER 4 8:10 AM
5 Problems with Lying
We lie most often to the people we love.
There is no greater shame than getting caught in a lie.
A lie often requires additional lies, making it impossible to ever come clean.
Liars are the worst human beings.
Lies always cover up the worst parts of you.
NOVEMBER 4 8:40 AM
How liars with the best intentions are like the owners of every iteration of Jurassic Park
They never set out to hurt anyone.
They operate with enormous hubris.
Denial both perpetuates and intensifies the problem.
The situation inevitably gets worse and worse as time goes by.
The end is never pretty.
Serious question about all Jurassic Park movies
Why not create only plant-eating dinosaurs? Are brontosauruses and stegosauruses really not exciting enough?
How the brontosaurus is like purgatory
The brontosaurus was a dinosaur, then it wasn’t a dinosaur, but now it might be a dinosaur after all.
NOVEMBER 4 9:30 AM
A New Chapter Picks of the Month for November
Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson (Jim Hawkins was the John McClane of his day)
Ready Player One by Ernest Cline (Ernest Cline apparently lives in my teenage brain)
Open: An Autobiography by Andre Agassi
World War Z by Max Brooks
Ballistics: Poems by Billy Collins
Preferred Choice of Name for Billy Collins (best to worst)
Billy Collins
Will Collins
Bill Collins
William Collins
Willy Collins
Preferred Choice of Name for Me (best to worst)
Dan Mayrock
Daniel Mayrock
ANYTHING ELSE
Danny Mayrock
Nicknames for William that the Internet says are real but are not
Liam
Wills
Wylie
NOVEMBER 5 11:30 AM
Einstein’s Conditions Upon Which He Agreed to Remain Married to His Wife for the Sake of the Children
CONDITIONS
A. You will make sure:
that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;
that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.
B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, You will forego:
my sitting at home with you;
my going out or travelling with you.
C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:
you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;
you will stop talking to me if I request it;
you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.
D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.
Conditions Upon Which I Will Agree to Remain Married to Jill (also a real list)
CONDITIONS
A. You will allow me to continue to be your husband.
B. You won’t kill me in my sleep.
Cosmopolitan and Sex
Number of times I’ve seen a Cosmo cover advertising an article featuring triple-digit sex tips: 9
Number of times I’ve been tempted to purchase one of these magazines for the sex tips: 9
Number of times I’ve bought one of these magazines for the sex tips: 3
Total number of sex tips in combined magazines that I have purchased: 304
Total number of useful sex tips: 1
Total number of useful sex tips in Jill’s opinion: 0
NOVEMBER 6 4:20 PM
Text messages from Jill at lunchtime
I wish Jasper wasn’t so stupid. How do idiots become principals?
The usual stupid stuff. Can’t keep his lies straight. Selfish assholery.
You’re lucky you escaped this place.
I miss you being here. I liked seeing you during the day.
No, I’m fine. Stay there. Sell books.
Seriously, I’m good. I have Julie and Lisa and tomato soup.
Can you pick up dog food on the way home from the store? Blue Buffalo.
I don’t want to hear it. Clarence deserves the best.
The size of gummy worms compared to the size of gummy bears makes me question the whole gummy universe.
Love you more.
NOVEMBER 8 11:00 AM
Proof that I am stupid
When I was a kid, I dropped my cotton candy on the ground and tried to wash it off with the hose.
When I was in high school, I still couldn’t understand why “a quarter past the hour” wasn’t 25 minutes past the hour, because a quarter is 25 cents.
I always mop myself into the corner of a room.
I once asked a police officer (in all sincerity) how she would handcuff a one-armed suspect.
I thought that women had prostates until very, very recently.
When I was a little kid, I thought that actors actually died in real life when they filmed death scenes for movies, so I was afraid to watch anything but cartoons.
I only found out recently that a pickle is a desecrated cucumber.
I didn’t realize that fruit juice was loaded with calories until I had gained 20 pounds.
When I was in Mrs. Lavern’s third-grade class, I explained to my classmates that a new moon was when the moon goes away and is replaced by an entirely new moon. Then I tried to pretend like I was joking even though everyone knew that I wasn’t. Then I started crying.
NOVEMBER 10 9:10 AM
5 years of Jill
Sat beside Jill in first faculty meeting
Made Jill laugh in first faculty meeting
Fell in love with Jill at first faculty meeting
Pined over Jill while she dated fucking Feeney
Waited inappropriate amount of time after breakup with Feeney (3 days)
Dated Jill
Learned about Peter
Wondered if I could date a widow
Realized I was being stupid
Wondered if I was being stupid
One-year anniversary at Niagara Falls cheap motel
Dumped by Jill
23 days of hell
Dated Jill again
Moved in with Jill
Proposed to Jill on our second anniversary
Admit to never wanting children “never, ever, ever”
Negotiation (fight) over children
“The 72 Hours of Silence”
Concession (Jill would say “agreement”) over children
Negotiation over religion of children
Second thoughts (me, but maybe [probably] Jill, too)
Called off engagement (in my mind only)
Second thoughts a second time
Ice-cold feet
Married
Bought house on Magnolia Hill
One-year wedding anniversary in Kennebunkport, Maine
Quit teaching
Opened bookstore
Failed renegotiation over children
Attempted baby making
Fake orgasms
NOVEMBER 12 8:30 AM
Solutions to pending financial disaster
Second job (what? when? how would I explain it to Jill?)
Lottery
Write a novel (can you actually make money doing this?)
Day-trading (Do I need money to start?) (Is it a thing?)
Poker
Thank-you note idea
Write to millionaires
Realistic but impossible solutions to pending financial disaster
Admit to Jill that I’m a failure (this would not actually solve the problem)
Ask Mom for a loan
Ask Jake for a loan
Find an investor for a marginally profitable bookstore
Best but still impossible solutions
Make the bookstore more profitable
Best solutions if I had a time machine
Un-quit my teaching position
Don’t open the bookstore
Don’t allow 13 months of denial and lies to pile up while our savings account disappears before thinking about telling Jill
Ways of making the bookstore more profitable
Sell more books
Charge more for books
Negotiate a lower rent
Lay off employees
Preferred order of layoffs (in an ideal world)
Kimberly
Sharon
Amy
Jenny
Steve
Realistic order of layoffs (in a world where I’m afraid of a certain employee)
Sharon
Jenny
Amy
Steve
Kimberly
NOVEMBER 15 5:40 AM
Shopping List
Special K (no fake strawberries)
Dog food
AA batteries
Extra-chunky peanut butter
Little Debbie Snack Cakes
Day Trading for Dummies
Poker for Dummies
Tulips
Kettle ball
Powerball ticket
Birthday present for Mom
NOVEMBER 15 7:50 PM
Things that exist that I didn’t think existed
Day Trading for Dummies
Things that don’t exist that I thought did
Kettle balls
A way of explaining to a muscular salesperson why you thought a kettlebell was called a “kettle ball” without sounding stupid or slightly perverted
NOVEMBER 15 10:30 PM
Division of Labor
JILL:
Shops for food and most household goods
Cooks almost all meals (doesn’t like my cooking)
Sweeps (so she claims)
Washes, folds, and never fucking puts the laundry away
Weeds flower beds
Changes sheets
Walks and feeds Clarence
Cleans bathrooms
DAN:
Pays bills
Brings out trash
Replaces trash bag after taking out trash (which is an additional chore no matter what Jill says)
Definitely sweeps
Washes, folds, and PUTS AWAY LAUNDRY
Ruins Jill’s sweaters and jeans while trying to wash them
Mows lawn
Organizes Jill’s sink-top cream/lotion/soaps/makeup paraphernalia when she’s not looking
Constantly turns off lights (yes, this is a chore)
Cleans out refrigerator
Shovels snow
Rakes leaves into meaningless piles that eventually blow into the neighbor’s yard
Processes mail (also a significant chore no matter what Jill says)
Brings trash and recycling to curb on Mondays
Chores I know Peter did because Jill told me
Cooked
Paid bills
Walked and fed Clarence
“Just fixed things when they broke. He was good with that stuff.”
Chores I know Peter did because of what Jill didn’t tell me but told me anyway
Took away all of Jill’s worries about money, mortgage payments, insurance, retirement planning, broken dishwashers, service contracts, gutter cleaning, flat tires, refinancing, and clogged drains so she could focus on herself and her career
NOVEMBER 16 6:15 PM
Things that people have said to me this week that I don’t understand
“That pass-interference call in the end zone was bullshit.”
“Something something something IPO really took off.”
“This is clog weather.”
“The mill rate in this town is ridiculous.”
“You realize you’re playing Nickelback. Right?”
“You’d only last about two days on Naked and Afraid.”
“What’s up, jabroni?”
NOVEMBER 16 9:25 PM
Problems with being the boss
Kimberly thinks she’s the boss.
Steve should be the boss.
I never wanted to be a boss.
NOVEMBER 16 10:05 PM
My original vision of a bookstore owner
Read good books
Recommend good books to smart people
Dine with authors
Be rumored to be working on a novel
What being a bookstore owner actually looked like today
Basic accounting on an Excel spreadsheet that I don’t fully understand
Asking three teenage girls if they could please not vape in the store
Finding books for customers based upon color, size, and cover art
Removing a half-eaten muffin from between two Nelson DeMille novels
Telling customers over the phone when we close
A hell of a lot of vacuuming
NOVEMBER 17 5:35 AM
Things I’m opposed to that I wish I wasn’t
Public nudity (mine only)
Changes I would make to my appearance (in order of importance)
Back hair
Lose 20 pounds
Lose 10 more pounds
Full head of hair
Smaller ears
Six inches taller
Replace missing pinkie toe
Neck mole
Eliminate hair on the tops of my toes
Whiten teeth
Items left off this list because I can’t put them on the list
Penis
NOVEMBER 17 11:45 AM
Problems with my penis
I honestly don’t know how it compares to other penises when erect except for porn penises, which I pray to God are not normally sized penises.
I don’t know how large a penis needs to be in order to be a satisfactory penis.
I don’t know if different women have different definitions of a satisfactory penis size.
I can’t trim or shave my pubic hair because that would imply that I care when I really shouldn’t unless Jill cares but I don’t know if Jill cares.
NOVEMBER 19 3:30 PM
Reasons I quit teaching
Kids didn’t love me
Teachers didn’t like me
Principal hated me
Couldn’t continue to witness bad decisions at the expense of children
Couldn’t stand one more minute of professional development that was neither professional nor developmental
Couldn’t stand reading bad writing
Real reasons I quit teaching
I wasn’t a good enough teacher
It hurt my heart to watch kids waste so much time and ability
Reasons I became a teacher
Understood the job
Dad suggested it
Always liked school
Mr. Sullivan
Summer vacations
Teaching revelations
Teaching is the only profession that you spend at least 15 years observing before trying to do it yourself.
I wouldn’t be a teacher if Dad hadn’t suggested it.
I still think of myself as a teacher even though I’m not.
There will always be too many kids in need of saving.
If the only reason I became a teacher was for the summer vacations, that would’ve still be reason enough.
Reasons I opened bookstore
Love reading good books
Love browsing bookstores
Thought it would be easy
Stupidest thought I’ve ever had
Owning and operating a bookstore would be easy
Hardest thing about owning and operating a bookstore
Everything.
Also …
Making a profit
Managing employees
Explaining to employees (employee) that proselytizing to customers is not okay
Watching great books go unread and terrible books sell like hotcakes
Reshelving magazines
Teenagers
NOVEMBER 19 8:50 PM
60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll of women given a choice of 6 things to change about their man
His temper (29 percent)
His friends (11 percent)
His mother (9 percent)
His sense of humor (8 percent)
His physique (7 percent)
His hygiene (2 percent)
Jill’s comments about this poll
“Their man? Seriously? How old is this poll? Or better, how old are the pollsters?”
“60 Minutes and Vanity Fair are bizarre bedfellows.”
“If you need to change your husband’s temper, you need to change your husband.”
“Does changing your husband’s sense of humor mean giving your husband a sense of humor or fixing the one he already has?”
“I can just hear it: ‘You’re leaning a little Seinfeld. I’d really like a little more Bill Hicks, with maybe a dash of Attell.’”
“I guess if I had to choose, I’d change your mother, but more for your sake than mine.”
“Those numbers only add up to 66%. Where the hell are the other 34%?”
My thoughts on Jill’s comments
She didn’t want to change my physique. Or more correctly, she didn’t list changing my physique in first position. I silently cheered inside until self-doubt overwhelmed me and I wondered if she was just holding back and trying not to hurt my feelings. Then I felt bad that my wife doesn’t like the way I look and is forced to pretend that she does for my own sake. All of this happened in less than a second.
Who are these men with tempers, and what the hell does that look like?
She noticed that the poll only added up to 66% way too quickly.
Me not noticing that the poll didn’t add up to 100% might explain why the bookstore isn’t making enough money.
Who are Bill Hicks and Attell?
NOVEMBER 20 2:20 PM
Comments made to Kimberly today
“Stop suggesting Bibles to the customers.”
“Sharon’s sweaters are fine.”
“You can go home early.”
NOVEMBER 20 5:40 PM
Facts about Jesus that I told Kimberly to annoy her
Jesus was Jewish.
Jesus was a socialist.
Jesus was a refugee.
Jesus was anti–death penalty.
Jesus was anti–school prayer (Matthew 6:5).
Jesus was opposed to the accumulation of wealth.
Jesus was silent on the issues of homosexuality and gay marriage.
Jesus was a brown-skinned Middle Easterner who wore sandals to the dinner table.
Jesus was a friend to prostitutes.
Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Scripture is the basis of all religious belief. It is also the last thing in the world that will change a person’s belief once that belief has been falsely cemented.
There is an inverse correlation between a certainty of a person’s religious belief and their actual knowledge of Scripture.
NOVEMBER 20 8:10 PM
Update
Bill Hicks is a stand-up comic. Wikipedia says his material is “steeped in dark comedy.”
Dave Attell is a stand-up comic. Wikipedia says that “Patton Oswald and Bill Burr have hailed him as the greatest off-color comedian alive.”
I know who Patton Oswald is.
Now I know who Bill Burr is too.
Facts about my marriage
Jill is always talking about stuff that I know nothing about but wish I did.
Jill was the girl in high school who had seen every Saturday Night Live ever made, sewed her own jeans, and was listening to punk before anyone knew what punk was.
I feel like I’ve told Jill about every cool thing that I’ve ever done but she has barely scratched the surface with me.
I was married to Jill for almost six months before she told me that she was once a fire spinner at Burning Man, which is cooler than anything I’ve ever done in my entire life but was an afterthought for her.
There will always be a part of Jill’s life that will remain a secret to me because you can only tell your second husband so much about your previous life with your dead husband.
Jill is cooler than I will ever be, which once thrilled me but now makes me feel so fucking insecure.
NOVEMBER 20 8:56 PM
Numbers for the day
Customers: 5
Books sold: 2
Toys sold: 3
Other items sold: 0
Estimated profit: $52
Estimated profit after paying Kimberly’s salary: - $13
NOVEMBER 21 2:20 AM
Stupidest List Ever
Bank
Liquor store
Citgo
7-Eleven
ATM
NOVEMBER 23 10:30 PM
Thanksgiving Observations
When did canned cranberry sauce get replaced with twigs-and-berries shit?
Potatoes and stuffing always taste better out of a box. People are just too damn pretentious to admit it.
Jake prays before the meal. Earnestly. I expect him to be struck by lightning every time. I’m only a little disappointed, dear Lord, when it doesn’t happen. Amen.
Sophia does not pray earnestly like her husband. She might be faking it completely. I think she thinks Jake is a dick when it comes to prayer.
Turkey is the shit. It’s wasted on Thanksgiving. We shouldn’t save it only for meals eaten with people we don’t always like.
Four empty wine bottles? Plus beer bottles? Who did all the drinking?
How can people care so much about a football game when they hate both teams playing?
“We don’t hate the players. We hate the laundry,” is just the kind of stupid thing Jake likes to spout off as if he’s saying it for the first time in the history of the world when I know damn well he’s heard it a million times on TV because it’s way too clever for him to come up with on his own.
Jake was a lot more likeable when he was a kid.
Someone needed to tell Jill’s brother that working for your dad’s company does not amount to financial wizardry or entrepreneurial achievement. It’s called nepotism.
Apparently (or at least according to Jill) I didn’t need to be that person.
When your wife is pissed at you for your “rude-ass remark” to her brother who she never sees but also desperately wants to make a baby, you will have sex that night despite her anger.
Angry sex is not as unpleasant as you might think.
Things that Jill probably thinks I’m a dick about
Whole Foods rants
Tipping
Sneakers only
Clarence
Hatred of parades
Her brother
Not converting to Judaism (maybe)
Peter (maybe)
Jake (but maybe justifiably)
NOVEMBER 23 11:20 PM
What I don’t understand about Jake
He owns a sheet-metal fabrication business, but he definitely didn’t grow up wanting to work in sheet-metal fabrication.
He always liked Darth Vader more than Luke Skywalker, even before we knew Darth Vader would kill the Emperor and save the galaxy.
He really likes jazz.
He wears a necktie to holiday dinners even though no one is making him wear one.
I thought he was going to be a rebel.
He seems happy, but he’s a tie-wearing conservative who works in the sheet-metal fabrication industry.
The teenage version of Jake would like this version of Jake.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
If the childhood version of yourself would hate the adulthood version of yourself, you suck at life.
NOVEMBER 24 12:05 AM
Star Wars Stuff
I tell people that I’m a Han Solo guy, but I’m actually a Luke Skywalker guy. I think Han Solo is kind of a dick.
Darth Vader killed billions of innocent people then saved his only son. This did not make him a good guy. Just a selfish practitioner of nepotism.
Chewbacca and the droids are brilliantly designed characters. They aren’t reliant on aging actors, so they can appear in Star Wars movies forever.
Luke Skywalker’s plan to rescue Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt was the most ill-conceived plan in the history of the galaxy. Get everyone captured (including yourself) so the job becomes exponentially more difficult?
NOVEMBER 24 12:20 AM
Jill’s sentences before falling to sleep
“Happy Thanksgiving, honey.”
“Sometimes it’s okay to just let things be. To keep the peace. You know?”
“Tomorrow. Okay? I ate way too much.”
“Jake seemed a little off today. Right?”
“I missed the canned cranberry sauce too. That nuts-and-raisins stuff was bullshit.”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
NOVEMBER 24 7:45 PM
Worst things about Black Friday
Working
Jake’s not working
It feels like no one else is working
Stupidest customers of the year
Kids everywhere
Kimberly (also every other day)
“No, we don’t gift wrap.”
“No, we don’t gift wrap.”
“No, we don’t gift wrap.”
“No, we don’t fucking gift wrap.” (in my head)
Not thinking of offering free gift wrapping.
Best things about Black Friday
Most money made since I bought the store
It ended
Other worst things about Black Friday
Sales down 30% from last year’s Black Friday
Steve caught an old lady trying to steal half a dozen magazines and had to call the police
I hid in the office while Steve handled the whole incident
NOVEMBER 25 11:25 PM
Revised List of Ways to Keep Jill from Getting Pregnant
Fake orgasms
Blow jobs only
Number of actual beginning-to-end blow jobs I have received in two years of marriage
0
NOVEMBER 26 9:25 AM
How I ended up at Gillette Stadium
Jake’s buddy Shep had an extra ticket.
The Patriots are “only playing Miami.” (no idea what this means)
Steve and Sharon agreed to cover the store.
Mom made it seem like a big deal to spend the day with Jake and his friends.
“Tony wanted nothing to do with this game.” (no idea what this means either)
Tailgate attendees
Jake
Shep
Teja brothers (2)
Eddie the Norwegian (can’t tell if he’s really from Norway or if they’re just fucking with me)
NOVEMBER 26 10:55 AM
This guy named Shep
Works for a Medicare advocacy organization
Does not strike me as the nonprofit type
Cousin-in-law of Tony (who wanted nothing to do with this game)
Drunk within an hour of arrival
Likes to verbally abuse strangers twice his size in Miami football jerseys
Makes a damn good twice-baked potato
“You don’t like football? Why are you here?”
Made a reference to Sisyphus that I think only I understood
“At least you drink beer. Can’t say the same for Matty.”
Brought salad
Doesn’t look like the salad type
“Why are you always writing shit down?”
I think he’s a libertarian socialist, which shouldn’t be a thing.
A really likeable asshole
NOVEMBER 26 11:45 AM
Why I’m always writing shit down
“I want to write a novel someday.”
“It’s all grist for the mill.”
“My memory is shit.”
Real reasons for lists
Compromise at first with therapist because journaling sucks
Finished with therapist but lists became a habit
Thinking on the page
Makes sense of things
Putting things in lists puts them out of my head and lets me sleep
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
A habit is just an obsession that pretends to be intentional and controllable.
NOVEMBER 26 4:45 PM
Things I don’t understand about football
“This is a meaningless game,” but everyone wants the referee to die.
Why does a football fan prefer to watch the game from really far away in 14-degree temperatures with no clean bathroom for miles?
The tailgate food is very important, very planned, and very plentiful, but it is cooked on a grill that appears to have never been cleaned and caught fire at least once over the course of the day.
Not “covering the spread” (whatever that means) can make an otherwise normal man punch a plastic chair at least a dozen times.
Football fans will drink ice-cold beer while shivering uncontrollably.
Why would anyone enter a coliseum filled with drunken, mentally challenged rage-monsters wearing the colors of the opponent?
Why would any sane parent choose to bring a child into this environment?
Adult men dress up in beads and face paint and Elvis costumes so they can be featured on the jumbo TV without any hope of compensation whatsoever.
NOVEMBER 26 6:05 PM
What I understand about football now
10 yards is really fucking important.
Running forward for three or four yards before being tackled is shockingly satisfying to football fans even though it looks like absolutely nothing to me.
Long underwear, jeans, snow pants, mittens, and cold hands make the act of urinating a serious commitment.
There is a lot less kicking than you would think for a game called football.
Women who attend football games must never pee.
Planning a fast exit from the parking lot is almost as important as winning the game.
Pass interference is the thing that provokes the greatest emotional response in a football fan.
A touchdown for a team that you have never seen before and care nothing about in a sport you barely understand will still somehow cause you to want to leap into the arms of a stranger.
I think I would go to another football game if I didn’t have to worry about frostbite.
NOVEMBER 26 7:55 PM
Places I urinated today
McDonald’s restroom on the Mass Pike
Surprisingly clean porta-john
A men’s room in Gillette Stadium
Behind a tree on the edge of the parking lot
Impossibly rancid porta-john (but also the same porta-john as earlier)
McDonald’s restroom in Milford, Massachusetts
Jake’s backyard (it was dark) (didn’t want to wake Jake Jr.)
NOVEMBER 26 10:00 PM
Phrases spoken today that seemed to carry so much meaning for Jake and his friends but meant nothing to me
“Nothing was ever as good as Jags parking.”
“Corn bread in a parking lot.”
“Whiskey and a Playboy.”
“Tom-Fucking-Swale.”
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Just a little bit of shared language and culture can make a person feel like he’s standing far outside of a group, wishing to find a way in.
Jake
Did not adequately prepare me for the cold
Swears more at a football game than anywhere else
Tried to prevent me from sounding stupid about football
I like his friends a lot.
I can’t believe he does this all the time.
He seems so happy and relaxed. They all do. Not a worry in the world.
Compared to Jake’s friends, I have no real friends.
People I was slightly jealous of today
Tony
Questions
When did I miss out on friends like this?
Does Jake know that I don’t have any real friends? Does Mom? Is that why I was here today?
What is the thing in my life that would bring my theoretical friends together if not football?
Would friends make things easier?
NOVEMBER 27 11:15 AM
Original list of possible names for bookstore
Stuff Made Up in People’s Heads
Stuff People Made Up in Their Heads
Books
Dan’s Pipe Dream
Shut Up and Read
Only Dan’s Favorite Books (Mostly)
Jill’s Albatross
No Benefits. Just Books.
A New Chapter
Books Are Better Than Sex
NOVEMBER 28 7:00 AM
Pros of Having a Baby
Won’t stay a baby forever
Making it
Bullshit Pros of Having a Baby
Someone to take care of me in old age
Carry on the family name
Cons of Having a Baby
Costs a fucking fortune
Repeat #1 forever
Dealing with shit and piss that isn’t yours
Eats things that aren’t food
Breastfeeding (when do I get Jill’s boobs back?)
Baby boys pee on you
Gates and car seats and those goddamn cabinet locks
Restaurants ruined forever
They could potentially grow up to become assholes and/or freeloaders
Things I’m Willing to Do to Avoid Having a Baby
Hire someone to wipe my ass in old age
Allow the family name to disappear forever
NOVEMBER 29 10:40 AM
Reasons why I won’t convert to Judaism
You can’t just declare yourself Jewish. It’s “a process.”
Required circumcision (I’m already circumcised, but I’m standing on principle)
Only one fun holiday (Hanukkah)
Can’t decide on the spelling of their one fun holiday (Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah)
No decorations. Seriously. NONE.
The food is just not as good as advertised. Noodle pudding? Gefilte fish? Matzo ball soup is a ball of matzo in chicken broth. These are not good foods.
No anthropomorphized and/or magical creatures
Yarmulkes
Jill didn’t ask me to convert
I don’t believe in God (anymore) (I think)
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Anything that is a “process” inevitably sucks.
You can determine the objective tastiness of a food by the probability of its presence on a restaurant menu. Kugel cannot be found on your average restaurant menu, therefore it objectively sucks.
NOVEMBER 30 5:15 PM
Things I want to do before I die that can also earn me money
Win a sports-related bet against Jake
Play poker professionally
Perpetrate a Nigerian prince-like scam on someone (or Jake) (or Jill’s brother)
NOVEMBER 30 9:39 PM
Number of times we had sex in November:
12
Number of times I faked the orgasm:
0
Difficulty in faking an orgasm midstream (mid-stream?)
Incalculable
NOVEMBER 30 11:15 PM
Gift ideas for Mom
Number of days until Mom’s birthday
15
Importance of purchasing a thoughtful gift for Mom’s birthday
Considerable
Importance of remembering a gift for Mom’s birthday
Incalculable
Copyright © 2019 by Matthew Dicks.
Lyrics from “Code Monkey” copyright © 2006 by Jonathan Coulton