Chapter 1
Initiation by Crisis
The Promise of Chapter 1—Your life has changed. You have stepped into the unknown. The next choices you make will determine whether you are the victim or the hero of your own precious life story. Take my hand. I will help you to choose wisely.
My journey began when an ordinary day in early December—one that included morning dishes, getting the kids off to school, running errands, completing end-of-year school projects with my daughters (both in high school), and simply doing what I always did while preparing for the holidays—was shattered by a single phone call. Like a milk carton, the doctor told me the love of my life had “expired.” A silent killer in the form of a pulmonary embolism made its way from his leg to explode in his lung, taking my husband’s life without warning on the descent of a flight into New York … that day that turned our lives upside down and devastated our family.
Richard and I met in college and shared a fairy-tale romance for twenty-five years. We became a family of four as we raised two amazing daughters. Our cup ran over with a marriage made of deep cherishing, devotion, nurturing communication, vital inspiration, and unending gratitude for each other. We were mostly pals, with a true understanding of what our partnership meant. No matter what was happening in our lives, we were able to meet each other with a kind of respect that evolved over the years into greater reverence. To us, there was no one that stood on higher ground or who was more able to offer comfort, encouragement, and support. It didn’t matter if we were miles apart in our travels for business or play; with few exceptions, we started our days with “good morning, honey” by phone or enjoying coffee in the early morning hours, sharing our hopes and dreams, working on chapters of a book together, and strategizing about parenting our kids. One of the keys to the success of our marriage was our listening; we really listened to each other—especially to the feelings behind the words, leading to a deeper understanding where we connected from heart to heart. He wanted to know what mattered to me, and I loved the ongoing discovery of what he felt passionate about. When Richard died unexpectedly at the age of forty-five, I had no idea how I would continue to breathe, much less move forward in life without his physical presence.
Most of my adult life, I lived under the grand illusion that Richard and I had control over our destiny. We were kind people doing good work in the world and were devoted to our family, friends, and global community. As long as we worked hard, stayed in our integrity, and remained in love, everything would go according to our well-laid plans. My role as a wife and mom was to hold space for everyone like a crystal in a clock so they would have what they needed. I was holding all I had dreamed of as a young girl, the perfect life.
Yes, we had the ideal life, but truth is, I wasn’t fully grateful for it. I had been lulled into the kind of complacency that often comes from success. I was sleepwalking through my life, and I didn’t even know it. My kids were growing up; I had been feeling inklings of something that was incomplete, and deep questions nagged at me daily: What is my life’s purpose and passion beyond being a good wife and mother? What else do I have to contribute, and how can I serve and honor my life here?
Even though I had coauthored Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love and written Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women, both New York Times bestsellers, I hadn’t owned my career as an author. I’ll never regret giving all that I did to Richard as his partner so that he could fulfill his life’s work and leave his legacy; nor will I ever regret my devotion to nurturing our daughters—they are my most precious gifts, and it is a privilege to be their mother. Family means everything to me. I love Richard and miss him every day. I can hear his voice and laughter imprinted on my soul; I close my eyes, and there he is with his exaggerated cleft chin and twinkling ocean-blues smiling back at me. The pain of his loss was indescribably intense, and it lasts to this day. Nothing about this experience has been easy.
Yet that unimaginable phone call didn’t halt my life. I can now see that the loss of my partner was my initiation—the divine event that changed my life so suddenly that it led me to the gateway of transformation, just as yours has and will, too. It led me to the answers to the questions I didn’t even know I had been asking. After the numbness of shock subsided, my husband’s death breathed new life into me, and I was awake and feeling everything.
Why did this happen? Why did my heart open from this loss?
When you are standing at a fork in the road brought on by heartbreak—whether that heartbreak is caused by a death, a divorce, a breakup, a diagnosis, news of some kind that has shattered life as you know it, or any other kind of soul-shaking loss—there are only two possible paths to choose from. Which path you choose boils down to one question:
Are you going to be a victim, or are you going to be a hero?
You can choose to be a victim, or you can choose to be a hero. Here’s what both look like: The victim, head down, slumped and broken, wallows in self-pity at the fork in the road, unable to get up. The hero feels just as broken but stands up, shakes off the self-pity, and moves forward, stepping, albeit slowly, into the journey ahead.
I am here to tell you that there is only one choice to make every day, and that is to be open to this experience and what it will reveal. While you may have a difficult time as you lever back and forth between these choices, ultimately you must choose to be a hero. You must ask yourself, What would a hero do in this situation? (If you don’t know what the hero would do, that’s OK, too. Please continue reading.) Even if you do not like the cards you’ve been dealt, you must play the hand and say, “I will be the hero who meets the challenge of this loss and allows it to do its work on me. I will meet this demand, this call from my soul to live. I will be a hero who overcomes obstacles, leans into my fears, annihilates my unhealthy ego, and learns and grows from these circumstances. I will find my way as a hero and do the inner work necessary to emerge as a whole and complete victor. I will awaken.”
Making the conscious choice to see yourself as a hero and the victor over the adversity you face is one of the most important decisions of your life. As the journey of healing unfolds throughout the pages of this book, the reasons for this will be increasingly clear.
THE INITIATION—INTO THE UNKNOWN
In the hero’s journey, laid out in the arc by Joseph Campbell, the initiation is a crisis event that shatters all the illusions of your life. It completely changes your direction, and you don’t know where it is you are going. You are standing at the precipice of the unknown. You might as well be standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon wondering how you will ever get to the other side. All you know is that life looks very different now, and there is confusion; it feels like you are in a foreign country without a language you understand. This initiation may have obliterated your beliefs about what love is and what you need in your life to make it complete. It brings you to your knees with shards of glass around your feet. Your old ways of going about your life are no longer sufficient.
And how could it be otherwise? In my very bones, I understand how you may be feeling. Your heart is completely broken and your dreams no more. You have a deep knowing that your life is never going to be the same. There is nothing in your being that isn’t screaming, “My life has changed!” With your whole life tipped upside down, you feel numb from the shock and in total disbelief; heavy-hearted and full of dread, you sense a long and desolate journey ahead of you. I know—I felt it, too. It’s very likely that you feel disconnected from everyone around you, even the people you’re the closest to, because they can’t possibly understand what you are going through. It feels odd, as if you are looking through a new lens that makes everything on the outside appear “normal,” but feeling like scrambled eggs on the inside. You feel as though you are in one of those snow globes encased in glass and looking out. Their lives keep going on; yours has been rendered unrecognizable to you. While going through the motions into the unknown, you feel overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. Be gentle with yourself, my dear, understanding that you are vulnerable right now because you’re going through unprecedented change and moving into an inner world of uncharted territory. I know it’s scary.
This event is, in fact, the entry point into transformation. It changes the trajectory of your life; it is the commencement of your journey. As awful as it feels, it is really your heart being broken open. You may not know it yet, but this is actually the gateway to a new life; you are birthing a new life as you birth your story in these upcoming pages. Yes, you have entered into the unknown, into the mystery, where life is not going to be the same, and you may be kicking and screaming all the way. Where hope comes in is that you’re going to discover and uncover the ideas and beliefs upon which the illusion that is now shattered was built. Up until now, you didn’t know that life could be different. You’re asking, Who am I now—who am I without this love (without this family, this job, this sense of security, this self-image, this identity)?
As you are standing on unstable ground with your identity in question, it doesn’t help matters that you feel like your friends and family are now relating to you differently, too. You may already have noticed that people’s default reaction to your struggle will be to treat you as a victim. Everyone you encounter, whether new connections you’ve met through your crisis, friends and family members who have been at your side for the whole journey, or strangers who are hearing about your experience for the first time, will act as though you are damaged … as though you are someone to whom something has “happened.” They are filled with sympathy and want to treat you with kid gloves. They don’t really know what to say, so they err on the side of deference as they repeat phrases of condolence that feel trite to the grief-stricken. Of course, this comes from a good place, and these people mean well. There is nothing wrong with that. But it means that so many external forces are treating you like a person to be pitied, and it’s all too easy to let these voices dictate your truth throughout your journey, making it all the more important to see yourself in a different way so that you don’t get lost in this mindset of survival. You are standing on such rich, fertile ground for your growth, and there’s so much more to come.
DEVELOPING THE HERO’S MINDSET
I remember sitting at our fireplace in one of our well-worn leather chairs within days of that fateful phone call. I could see both paths before me: one where I would drown in self-pity and sorrow, and possibly a fifth of vodka, and one where I would honor my love, his life, and all of the blessings we had created together in our twenty-five years. I didn’t know what the journey would hold, but I knew that I had to step into what was before me. I would honor Richard with my life. His life had changed mine, and we were so blessed. My heart knew that this was my soul work—my time for change and my time to grow. My time to awaken. While of course I had those days when it was difficult not to pull the covers up and stay in bed, I would remind myself that doing so represented death to me. I had to live. My thoughts whispered to me to rise amidst the ashes of my old life as I hesitantly embraced and tiptoed into my new one.
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As you step over the threshold into a new and unknown world, you very quickly have to choose: Will I be the hero of my own life, right here in the middle of this situation that I do not want? Randy Pausch gave us a great example in his book The Last Lecture. After he found out that he had cancer, he felt he had not honored his life’s purpose up to that point. He went into his classroom and talked about leaving a legacy before you die, and this Last Lecture would go viral on the internet. He did indeed play the cards that he was dealt, and he left this world as a hero of his journey.
If you haven’t done this early in your crisis, or you are now realizing that you may be the victim of your story, you can choose to be the hero from this point forward. It’s never too late to discover a new and healthier way to live and to be in your life. You are in charge of how you navigate this path. The heart may still be broken as you choose to stand in your own journey, acknowledging how difficult it may be but committing to yourself that you will move forward. When Richard died, I chose right away. But you can choose to be the hero at any time. I have a friend, Carolyn Moor, who was out on a date with her husband on Valentine’s Day years ago, and there was an accident. She lived and he died. Suddenly a young widow in her midthirties, raising two young daughters and continuing her career as a designer, Carolyn lived many years in a fog, victimized by what had happened. No one is prepared for sudden loss. The rug is pulled out from under your feet. Years later, she was mentored by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach on the TLC television series Shalom in the Home. With his support and inspiration, she broke free of that fog and chose to step in and be the hero. Now, she is a leader among widows with her extremely successful online community, the Modern Widows Club. I share her story to show you that you can choose differently at any time and have the same thriving result.
At whatever juncture the decision is made, the hero is one who chooses not to be the victim of the circumstances at hand. The mind will fight you in choosing to be the hero. Like sticky tape, the ego will latch on to the thoughts of self-pity and the reasons why you should crawl into a hole. The mind will struggle back and forth between these two mindsets. But the hero understands that this event—this loss, this tragedy, this incomprehensible change—is part of the life curriculum. Life itself is a classroom, and you have just entered your graduate school coursework in heart mending and management, a course where you will learn how your suffering serves you and one that will be carefully designed for your soul growth. The hero acknowledges the pain and the anger and sees it all and feels it intensely. But the hero is not going to indulge in too much pity or tarry too long in past regret. It doesn’t mean that feelings are suppressed, but there’s no long rest in self-pity. Self-pity will suck you under, and you won’t come out feeling empowered and ready for the journey. The hero must live life and function despite a broken heart. Life continues on no matter what. It doesn’t work any other way. If you were diagnosed with cancer, you wouldn’t just stop. You would ask, How do I live with this illness, this disease? What is my plan for getting healthy? How will I fight this? You will do what needs to be done; you will play the hand that you’ve been dealt.
Of course, it’s OK to acknowledge that this crisis, this pain, is not what you want. This is what has been given me. I don’t like it, but I’m going to deal with it. Drop into what’s real for you, but don’t stay in the trenches of pity. Pity can become a self-loathing act that sabotages all efforts to step into being the hero and keeps you from stepping into the journey of healing.
When you choose at the fork in the road to be the hero, this is where you get to have your power. You don’t get to choose who dies or who leaves you, or what happens to you, but you get to choose how you stand and how you move forward. You get to choose how you think and where you put your attention and focus.
At the precipice of what may feel like a personal event horizon, examining your beliefs and perception is mission critical. The circumstances you are facing won’t make or break you, but they do reveal who you are. What are the thoughts that you repeat over and over again that come from your past? How do you latch onto those tapes that play over and over in your head, those attempts at renegotiating the events of the past—trying to undo the unthinkable, unimaginable event that has rocked your world? How do you talk to yourself in the quiet of your own inner world? What kind of feelings do your thoughts give rise to? The alliance of your thoughts, words, ideas, and feelings determines the lens through which you view the world. Your beliefs—those thoughts that you have repeated as truths over and over thousands of times (in turn, life-affirming and limiting)—make up the agreement you have made with reality and how you view these circumstances. And whatever your agreement is will determine whether you are a victim or a hero.
Sometimes we aren’t aware of the agreement we’ve made with reality—the one that dictates, as Einstein said, whether we live in a friendly or unfriendly universe—until it’s in our face. In my What Now? online mentorship program, uncovering and understanding this invisible pact you have with yourself is a life-changing realization and a huge pivot toward becoming the hero. We look at the teeter-totter upon which you sit at this critical moment. Your agreement is made from all of your habits, and you are in the habit, generally, of being the victim or victor in most situations. Where is your agreement with reality going to take you? Wherever you are, you can shift the balance to the side you wish to be on. Your circumstances are on one seat while you sit on the other side. Which side will carry the weight? You get to choose.
CHOOSING TO SURRENDER—THE BEAUTIFUL PARADOX
Ironically, the first step toward healing on the hero’s path requires surrender. It is in the choice to allow for healing that you will find your power to step in. You are in the situation where you find yourself because of circumstances that were beyond your control, even though there are times you may blame yourself and feel guilt for what has happened. Whether you are going through the loss of a loved one, the undoing of a relationship, or the loss of your health or a job, much—if not all—is far from what you would choose. That’s why it’s so important to take back choice.
People will tell you all sorts of things about the grieving process. They will tell you that it’s a series of steps that everyone passes through in much the same sequence. Most people think of the loss of love through the lens of the five stages of the classic Kübler-Ross model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I have been through this process myself, and I work with people going through loss all the time. These five stages are a helpful rubric, and certainly have pioneered a path to give people permission to grieve, but they do not capture the universal reality. What’s missing from this model is the idea that our path is a journey whose transformation depends on the choices we make along the way. Harvard researcher Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage, has said, “What we’ve been finding is that scientifically, happiness could actually be a choice even when life is difficult.” If happiness is a choice, then how we navigate this time of initiation is also a choice.
I had lived under the illusion that I had control over my life, but my heartbreak wasn’t something I could fight or control. I had to open and receive, and that would first require me to surrender. I had to receive from my family, my friends, my community. I learned that one of the most profound choices I could make was wholly invisible—it was to surrender to the unknown, to the mystery. It’s in surrender that you receive. Grace and love are present in that opening, in that heartbreak, and you call on them as you accept that you are broken open but you are awake. You aren’t likely feeling all that empowered yet. You are like a wild animal at this point, feeling wounded and wishing to retreat to solitude and isolation. What I learned in the wild is that I have control only over the choices I make every day, beginning with putting my feet on the ground every morning. This is far from limiting; it is truly empowering. It all happens in baby steps—one right after the next.
I will show you how to tap into the power of choices for shaping and guiding your journey from loss to joy. Our choices give us an opportunity to connect more deeply and to listen to divine guidance, allowing our hearts to open to our internal wisdom. As we are helped and supported by friends, family, and community, they show us the way to take care of the practical things that need to be done, and ultimately allow us to grieve and live on our own terms. Choices are the key to taking a bit of power back and stepping forward from the trenches of grief and into a new life that embraces loss and its transformation.
With each step we take as we move through these stages of our healing, we have the power to influence how and when we get back to wholeness. It all starts with the choice we make at the time of initiation to be a hero. Your journey will be made up of thousands of choices along the way, and I will give you guidance for how to make these choices throughout, as you move along this soul path. But no choice is more important than this initial choice of not being the victim of your story.
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As we discussed in the Introduction, with this first chapter you are beginning a deep call-and-response process with yourself that will be facilitated by the Soul Mantra affirmation and two journaling sections: The Soul Inquiry and Your New Story. I’ll prompt you with questions designed to help you reach within, and I encourage you to bring kindness, curiosity, and courage to the way you listen to yourself. The quality of your listening and the honesty that you allow to come forth from your heart can be miraculous in their ability to break open the possibilities of a new future—a future where your heart is healed, your mind is inspired, and you’re in love with the life you are living. And if that seems like an impossible dream right now, I only ask you to keep reading, keep journaling, and decide to trust the process and let it unfold. I’m with you every step of the way.
Copyright © 2018 by Kristine Carlson
