CHAPTER ONE
My head is stuck in a toilet.
Why is my head in a toilet? Two words: water weirdo.
What’s a water weirdo? Five words: You don’t want to know.
I had never heard of a water weirdo before today. But apparently the outhouse at the Woozy Wyvern Inn has one. It keeps biting the butts of everyone who uses the facilities. And we’ve been hired to remove it.
“Are you sure it’s still in there?” I ask, pulling my head out of the toilet.
Griff grabs tufts of his hair and tugs in frustration. Griff. Innkeeper of the Woozy Wyvern Inn. And currently, our client.
“Yes, it’s in there!” he roars. “Come on, you three! I got customers! I got a reputation to uphold! I gotta do a number two!”
Let’s get clear. I’m no stranger to unclogging toilets. When I was an apprentice, I had to do it once a week. Let’s just say my master, Elmore the Impressive, had some impressive bowel movements.
But honestly? I thought those days were behind me. I mean, I’m a Level 3 mage, right? I’m an up-and-coming adventurer, right? I’m quickly becoming a heroic figure of myth and legend.
Right?
Nope. I’m a walking, talking potty plunger.
Didn’t work. The water weirdo dove right back into the dumper.
Bizzy, my giant bee, rubs affectionately against my shoulder. I guess it’s my turn to dazzle it with magic.
“Pew-pew-patchoo!” I shoot a Magic Missile straight down at it. But nada. It just fizzles into the mucky, yucky depths.
Hmm.
FART’S SPELL LIST
I could cast Feather Friend on it. But that only works on birds. Not urine serpents.
I could cast Simple Suggestion on it. But I would have to touch it. And ew.
If only I had an Incantation of Unclogging. But sadly, no.
So here we are. Still stuck with a weirdo in the outhouse.
“Come on, people!” cries Griff. “I’m paying for action! Solutions! Movement!”
“Sometimes the best action is inaction,” says Pan.
“Huh?” asks Griff.
“Sometimes the best solution is resolution,” says Pan, patting his big ham hand.
Griff does a nervous little holding-it-in jig. “And sometimes the best movement is a bowel movement! Whatever you’re going to do, do it quick! Things are getting serious in the land down under!” He turns and flounces back into the inn.
Poor little weirdo. Nobody likes him. Nobody talks to him. He just wants to be left alone in the toilet.
I’m talking about Griff. But yeah, I guess the water weirdo, too.
I take another peek down the potty. It must be lonely down there. And then … it hits me.
“Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way,” I suggest.
“Yeah,” says Moxie. “Cast something super powerful! What about one of those scrolls Kevin gave you?”
“I only have one left,” I tell her. “It’s called Stone to String Cheese.”
“I can’t see that ever coming in handy,” mutters Pan, shaking her head.
“You don’t know,” says Moxie in my defense. “Maybe we’ll be starving in a really rocky place. Fart could provide an all-you-can-eat string cheese buffet!”
“We’re getting off topic,” I say, turning back to the toilet. “What I mean is, maybe we should try using our words instead of our weapons.”
“Explain,” replies Pan.
“Maybe we should try talking to the water weirdo.”
“Interesting,” says Pan thoughtfully.
Moxie turns to me. “Can you do that?” she asks. “Can you talk to it?”
I turn to the toilet. And I cast a sweet little spell I’ve been working on that lets me temporarily talk to any creature. I cast Magic Mouth.
My mom always told me not to talk to weirdos. But this one and I have a nice little chat. Luckily water weirdos are totally reasonable. You just need to find out what they want.
And what this one wants … is chicken.
Our client does not seem pleased with our results.
“What do you mean, it’s still in there?” roars Griff.
“We made a deal with it,” I tell him.
SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!
Strike a Bargain with a Water Weirdo!
(300 Experience Points Awarded)
Griff sighs in defeat. “Fine. What’s the deal?”
“It’s quite simple,” Pan explains. “You feed it one roasted chicken a week, and it agrees to quit biting butts.”
We all smile, pleased with our results-oriented approach. “It gets to keep its home and you get to keep your outhouse,” I tell him. “It’s a fair compromise.”
“And if that doesn’t work, you could always build another outhouse,” Moxie points out. “This place could use another one anyway.”
Griff grits his teeth. He grumbles. He gripes. He tells the cook to roast a chicken, and pronto! But he pays us.
SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!
Another Satisfied Customer!
(300 Experience Points Awarded)
Text copyright © 2021 by Aaron Reynolds
Illustrations copyright © 2021 by Cam Kendell
