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Don’t Let Your Clothes Tell You What to Do
Look after your laundry, and your soul will look after itself.
—W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM, PLAYWRIGHT AND NOVELIST
Dry clean only. Wash in cold water. Handwash. Dry flat. Spot-wash only. Blah, blah, blah.
When it comes to cleaning, our clothes are bossy. Their tags bully us into time-sucking techniques, and before we know it, each article of clothing is trying to tell us what to do—and none of it is simple.
It’s time to say goodbye to all that. Soon you’ll know exactly how to care for all your textiles—meaning anything made of cloth, from clothes and bedding to bath towels and table linens—and you’ll be able to do it all at home. Anything, and I mean anything, can be washed at home. And I’m going to teach you how.
When I say “anything,” that includes all your clothes: cashmere sweaters, wool suits, social dresses, and whatever else you can think of. Grandma’s fur coat? Yep. A wedding dress? You bet. Plus pillows, curtains, rugs, and more.
Now, imagine the fluffiest, whitest towels you’ve ever wrapped yourself in. Imagine crawling into bed between peppermint-scented sheets. Imagine finally getting to wear your favorite fill-in-the-blank again after I teach you how to remove its stains. Most important, imagine being able to do all this for yourself and for the ones you love—simply and easily.
That’s the promise of this book: It will transform laundry—that chore you previously tolerated, or perhaps hated—into something you enjoy, look forward to, maybe even love. And for those of you who, like me, already love laundry, I promise you’ll love it even more.
Did I mention this book is basically free? That’s because you’ll never pay those whopping dry-cleaning bills again if you follow my advice. Plus, you’ll save loads of time—and time is money, so you’ll have even more money in your pocket. Unless, of course, you really want to pack up your clothes, wait in line to drop them off, remember to pick them up, wait in line again to pick them up, haul them back home (hoping a few don’t slide to the floor on the way)—all the while paying a pretty penny for the privilege of doing so. Think of all that cash you’ll save—every month, every year—by eliminating this errand. Cha-ching!
Now, let’s say you have a significant other and a couple of kids. You’re likely running seven loads of clothes every week at roughly an hour and twenty-five minutes per washed-and-dried load. That adds up to a grand total of ten hours. Ten hours a week!
I’ll slash that time to four hours and ten minutes just once a week—less than half of what the average family currently spends doing their laundry. What are you going to do with all that extra time? Write a novel? Open a new business? Nap? Think of the options!
Included in that calculation of saved time is the spot-cleaning I teach in this book, which adds just five minutes, at most, per load. Your stains will disappear, your clothes will be cleaner, and you’ll wear them more often. Most people don’t spot-treat stains—they just hope for the best. And hope, as they say, is not a strategy.
OK, so you’re saving piles of money and lots of time. What else is there to offer?
Well, my washing tips will wow you. For example, how about those old jeans you love so much that are too faded to wear beyond your front door? You can rescue them: Mix a tablespoon of good, old-fashioned bluing in a basin of warm water, and then let your jeans soak overnight. The denim will drink up the bluing, and presto! You’ve just salvaged your jeans. (Not quite blue enough yet? Just repeat the process, little by little, for the best results, until your jeans are just the way you like them.)
There are many more great tips to come. Most important, the advice I share in these pages will simplify your laundry life, and maybe even your actual life. Because the last thing we need to do is to complicate our busy, overcommitted lives even further. Easy peasy is my mantra.
My Love Language
Let me give you a bit of background.
The first real garment I ever owned was a camel hair overcoat purchased by my mom. It boasted a fur collar and a matching fur hat. Because what else do you buy a three-year-old boy growing up in the heart of Appalachia? My mom still has this extraordinary garment, tucked away in a closet. She bought it at Nasser’s, a fine clothing store in Huntington, West Virginia. I didn’t know it then, but this was likely the beginning of my love affair with textiles.
It was also the start of a childhood, and a life, filled with extraordinary women who taught, inspired, and supported my interests and me from the very beginning. I was incredibly lucky. I lived on a hill dotted with the homes of the first of these women—my mom, of course; my beloved Granny Dude, who lived next door; Ibb, my grandma’s best friend, who indulged me like a favorite grandchild; and our globe-trotting, glamorous neighbor, Ruby. All of them, every last one, doted on me and spoiled me. In truth, through no deserving of my own, I was treated like a little deity.
If I’d loved the violin, they would have signed me up for lessons and clapped at recitals until their hands hurt. If I’d loved football, they would have driven me to practices, cheered me on at games, even chewed out refs who’d dared to make questionable calls.
But I loved clothing, and so they cultivated my passion by taking me shopping, indulging me with fine clothes (for example, a classic pair of brown leather cowboy boots at age three), and teaching me how to care for them.
But what I learned from them were not just the how-tos.
In his books, author Gary Chapman teaches five “love languages”—ways to express and experience love. Mine is service. That’s what caring for clothes meant for my grandmother, for my mom, and now for me. Far beyond obligation, service is the way I show others love—whether I’m ironing my husband’s shirts, washing our vintage table linens in preparation for a party, or decorating our home for Christmas.
Changing our mindsets from simply cleaning clothes to caring for others is key to changing our attitudes about laundry from drudgery to love. In my free, two-hour Laundry Camps that I run at the Mall of America in Minnesota, I share this philosophy with my campers—that caring for your loved ones’ clothes shows them love. When their clothes are clean, smell wonderful, and look great, your loved ones are going to feel like they can take on the world, and their days are going to be all the brighter. That’s true for you and your clothes as well. And don’t you deserve that?
My Beloved Granny Dude
More than anyone else in my life, Granny Dude (my mom’s mom) helped grow my love of textiles. She appreciated beautiful clothes and relished the opportunity to buy them.
In fact, her sense of style had a profound impact on me—she was modern and fashion forward. And, as I look back, I realize her views on many issues were progressive, too.
A striking woman and always well turned out, as people used to say, she shunned a traditional bridal gown in 1949 (at age nineteen, no less) and instead wore an all-white suit, complete with tie and overcoat, which she purchased at Lazarus department store. I also know that to one funeral, back in the day, Granny Dude wore not a hat but a feather headband.
Obviously, this was a woman who knew herself, liked standing out, and didn’t care what other people thought. In short, she was the perfect role model for a budding snappy dresser such as myself. In my teens, our shared love of clothing—and each other—brought us together for regular Thursday night Chinese dinners and evening shopping trips. We didn’t always buy something, but we were always on the hunt.
Even when I was an adult, she loved treating me. Once, we were browsing in a Brooks Brothers store, and I couldn’t decide which color gingham shirt to buy. Navy? Teal? Purple? Granny Dude announced that she’d solved the quandary: We’d get all six colors, and we did. She wasn’t reckless with her money in general—only extravagant with regard to spoiling me.
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I completely adored Granny Dude, and I know she felt the same about me. As an adult, I moved home for a year when my mom and Granny Dude were living together—I feel lucky to have had that time with her.
Getting Started
Step one in your journey to keep your clothes from bossing you around is to be prepared. To begin transforming your laundry routine—and your textiles—you’ll need to gather the supplies listed below. I know it’s a long list, but don’t worry: we’ll break it down and cover everything in greater detail in later chapters. And I’ll explain and make a case for each item as we go along. Most of these items will last for at least a year, if not much longer, and many cost just a few bucks.
Supplies you will need:
Soap flakes or a high-quality, plant-based liquid laundry soap that’s free of petroleum, phosphate, phthalates, and parabens (if it contains any p words other than “Patric” or “plant,” it’s a no-go—and it also shouldn’t have partificial, ahem, artificial colors) A bottle of bleach alternative (100 percent sodium percarbonate); when you’re ready to use it, combine one tablespoon sodium percarbonate with one quart of water (this solution lasts roughly an hour—then it off-gases the extra oxygen molecule and the H2O2 becomes H2O, or plain water) A box of washing soda (100 percent sodium carbonate) A small laundry brush (my favorite features horsehair) A laundry soap bar (used with the laundry brush for spot-cleaning and found at most grocery stores), such as Fels-Naptha A spray bottle that you’ve filled with 50 percent white vinegar and 50 percent water A store-bought bottle of 70 percent rubbing alcohol (isopropyl alcohol) A bottle of concentrated, oil-soap stain solution, such as The Laundress Stain Solution A small bottle of Amodex—magical, nontoxic stuff recommended even by permanent-ink manufacturers A small spray bottle filled with cheap vodka (it’s for your laundry, I promise) Laundry mesh bags in multiple sizes—but mostly small (get these online or from any big-box store) Inexpensive, white terry washcloths (I buy stacks of them) Cotton makeup pads A few safety pins (I use colorful diaper pins for a bit of whimsy) A new tube of tennis balls A yard of aluminum foilFor even more amazing laundry results and an extra dose of fun, consider adding these:
A small bottle or two of essential oils (peppermint and cinnamon are two of my favorites) Dye-trapping laundry sheets (I love these so much, and I am not paid to say so), such as Shout Color Catchers Three or more wool balls (sheep, llama, or alpaca wool—take your pick) A couple of bumpy rubber dryer balls (like the cute hedgehog ones) A drying rack Some tunes to groove to A disco ball hanging overhead (optional, but I think every laundry room needs one)Supplies you don’t need:
Any popular detergent that comes in giant, multigallon bottles. Loaded with petrochemicals, this stuff is bad for your clothes, bad for your skin, and bad for the environment. Even “baby” and “free clear” laundry detergent has animal-based ingredients, plus chemicals such as sodium dodecylbenzenesulfonate, lauryl alcohol exothylate, sodium silicate, sodium xylenesulfonate, and stilbene disulfonic acid triazine derivative. Any popular detergent’s colorful pods. They’ve got the chemicals mentioned above, but now they’re in concentrated form. There’s enough detergent in one pod to wash five loads of clothes—five loads! That means that many of these chemicals aren’t washing away in the water but staying in your clothes. Plus, so many of these pods gunk up the sensors in washing machines that some Laundromats won’t allow you to use them. They’re also linked to allergies and skin rashes, and they’re attractive dangers to candy-loving kids and adults with dementia. Have you seen the commercials, made by pod manufacturers themselves, devoted to educating people about keeping these pods out of reach from those who may not know better? I rest my case. More than two laundry baskets. I don’t even use one. I toss my dirty clothes into a clothes hamper, which I keep in my laundry room/master bathroom located just off my bedroom. Then, when I’m ready to wash, I simply throw the clothes into the machine. I find that I’m more likely to fold my clothes immediately if I don’t have a laundry basket. (If yours has become more of a storage box for clean—or dirty—clothes rather than a container that transports clothes from bedroom to laundry room or Laundromat and back, you, too, may want to forgo laundry baskets.) That said, if your laundry room is more than a few steps away from your bedroom, investing in one or two easy-to-carry (and good-looking) laundry baskets or bags is perfectly acceptable. Fabric softener and dryer sheets. Don’t even get me started on these two. (For seven reasons why you should never use either of these again, jump ahead to page 50.) Chlorine bleach and chlorine bleach pens. Do you know that most hospitals don’t even use bleach for cleaning and disinfection anymore, and that the Environmental Protection Agency doesn’t recommend bleach, even for black mold removal? Bleach irritates your eyes, nose, skin, and throat; damages equipment; and harms the environment. Enough said. Stain-removing sprays. These all-in-one options promise you stain-free textiles. But they often don’t work. Why? Because specific ingredients remove specific stains. In other words, the elements that remove an organic oily stain, for example, will not remove an inorganic nonoily stain. Later in the book, I’ll detail the three basic types of stains and how to remove all of them. Yes, really. Even the ones baked on in your dryer.Let’s Not Be Rash
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Friends of mine (and Laundry Camp grads) were staying at a rented home on holiday and the entire family awoke the first morning covered by what appeared to be bedbug bites. They checked the mattresses, but no critters were found. However, an online search and quick visit to the laundry room revealed the likely culprit: detergent pods. Sure enough, their rashes matched the images they’d found online. So they stripped the beds and washed all the sheets and towels in warm water and baking soda—twice—and they alerted the homeowners to prevent this from happening to other guests. The lesson here: Washing your textiles with soap flakes or a safe, plant-based liquid laundry soap is not only good for your clothes, it is gentle on your skin.
OK, let’s summarize:
Now that you know to stop letting your clothes tell you what to do, your laundry routine is about to become simpler, faster, cheaper, and more fun! Your new, gentler laundry supplies will be kinder to your skin, your clothes, and the environment. You and your loved ones are going to be treated to softer and cleaner clothes, towels, bedding, and more. You’ll be able to show love to the ones you love through the simple act of laundry.Now that we’ve covered the key goals and basic supplies, it’s time to sort!
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It’s Time to Sort It All Out
We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting the laundry.
—E. B. WHITE, AUTHOR
You know those funny posts featuring matchy-matchy family photos? Everyone is dressed identically, in T-shirts or tuxes, costumes or camouflage, even Star Trek uniforms.
Copyright © 2021 by Patric Richardson and Karin B. Miller
