1WHAT DO YOU MEAN “BIRDS AREN’T REAL”?
When my fellow Bird Truthers and I say that birds aren’t real, we don’t mean that there’s no such thing as birds. Of course birds are “real” creatures. There are billions of them out there right now, making the world a better place with their majestic beauty. But NOT in the United States.
In the 1970s, the Central Intelligence Agency systematically killed off the entire bird population in the United States. Ever since then, the birds have been replaced by billions of high-tech robotic drones that look and behave exactly like real birds. Later in this book you will read a thorough explanation of how and why the government eradicated the bird population, but for now, let’s establish the most basic fact: if you’re an American, EVERY BIRD YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE WAS ACTUALLY A ROBOTIC BIRD DRONE BUILT TO SPY ON YOU. Bird drones are equipped with state-of-the-art cameras and microphones, allowing them to watch you closely and listen to everything you say, even in your own home.
This is what we mean when we say “birds aren’t real.” We mean the “birds” in America that populate our skies to this day are not actually living, breathing creatures at all. They are flying surveillance machines. “But Peter,” you may be saying to yourself, “I don’t live in America. I’ve never even been to America. Why should I care about any of this?” I’ll tell you why: even as we speak, foreign governments around the world are trying to replicate the United States’ bird surveillance program, and some of them are getting scarily close. China, for example, is about one year away from full-fledged bird surveillance. If you live in China, please translate this book into Chinese IMMEDIATELY so that you can save your country before it’s too late!
I understand this is all terrifying information. Please try to stay calm. It is still possible to turn the tables on the government. But before we get into possible ways to fight back, you first need to understand how and why this happened …
2OPERATION: WATER THE COUNTRY
People who are skeptical about bird surveillance tend to think it’s simply impossible that the government could have gotten away with it. “There’s no way they could have pulled off such a complicated operation!” they tell me. If only that were true. Even though our government leaders are mostly lazy and stupid, they were able to get away with killing off the birds because we are even stupider and even lazier. Let’s explore the long and terrifying story of how and why the government committed mass bird genocide, launched the largest surveillance operation in history, and got away with it all unscathed.
THE BEGINNING
In the 1940s, a radical new political philosophy called communism was all the rage in the East. The communists dreamed of a classless society, one where the people would split everything and come together to build a shared utopia, or else. In Russia, communists were pulling once-powerful tsars from their thrones and beheading them in the streets. The American elites were terrified the same thing might happen in the United States. They decided it was necessary to keep a very close eye on the common people, to make sure they didn’t develop any communist sympathies.
BIRTH OF THE CIA
So, the CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY was created. The sole purpose of the CIA was to find a way to spy on as many American citizens as possible. The man in charge of this project was ALLEN DULLES. It was Dulles who originally conceived the idea of a bird surveillance program. It came to him as he was leaving the CIA offices after work one day. He arrived at his car in the parking lot, drunk, and discovered it had been defecated on by a bird. Dulles became enraged, remarking that he would “kill every last god damn bird on the planet” if he could. Just then, a radical idea came to him.
Allen Dulles’s plan was simple in theory: the government would somehow kill off every bird in the country and replace them with flying surveillance robots disguised as birds. These flying bird drones would be the government’s eyes in the sky. Dulles immediately brought this idea to PRESIDENT DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER. The president was intrigued, but wasn’t exactly sure how the government would be able to pull it off. He told Dulles that if Dulles could figure out the logistics, he would approve the project and allocate billions of dollars to it.
THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL OF APPROVAL
Dulles returned with a full written proposal a few days later. This proposal was vague and it didn’t really address the question of how the federal government would implement the plan. Nevertheless, Eisenhower must have had faith that Dulles knew what he was doing, because he approved the proposal. The bird surveillance operation was now officially underway. Dulles and his CIA colleagues were given free rein to do whatever it took to get the project up and running. Their budget was virtually limitless. Eisenhower told his cabinet, “We must fund the bird surveillance project no matter what it takes. Take the money from the Department of Health and Human Services if we have to. Use the Department of Education like a piggy bank—I don’t care!” With the President’s blessing, Dulles got to work on bringing the bird surveillance program to life.
Allen Dulles’s proposal for a bird surveillance program
POISON THE SKY
The first step was to figure out how to kill off every bird in the country. Dulles believed the most efficient way would be to poison the bird population en masse using customized military planes. These planes would fly undetected in the night sky, raining down a specialized poison that would kill the birds without hurting any other living creature. The problem was that no such poison existed. It would need to be invented, and fast.
Luckily, the CIA had been researching and developing different poisons for many years. It was one of the many methods they used to secretly take out foreign enemies. In fact, there was an entire department at the CIA dedicated to developing new poisons. One morning in 1957, Allen Dulles burst into the Poison Department and demanded to speak to the “main guy.” He ordered the department head to start working on a specialized poison that only affected birds. He also needed the poison to make the bird corpses decompose quickly, because it would arouse suspicion if billions of dead birds were suddenly littering the country. The Poison Department quietly got to work on developing this specialized poison. It was finished a year later. Lab tests showed it was 100% effective in killing birds, and it had no effect on any other living lifeforms. It also caused the corpses of the birds to decompose within 20 minutes, on average.
BOEING ONCE, BOEING TWICE …
Next, it was time to find planes suitable for this poison-dumping operation. THE BOEING COMPANY had been building planes for the American military for years, so Dulles went to them first. It was in May of 1957 that Dulles met with an unidentified engineer from Boeing and ordered him to oversee the building of 120 specialized B-52 bombers for a top-secret bird killing operation. When the Boeing engineer began asking too many questions, Dulles told him, “This is none of your business, junior. Just build the planes, or I’ll have to introduce you to Old Trusty.” Old Trusty was the name of a wrench that Allen Dulles often used to threaten people who questioned him. He once described Old Trusty as “the most influential figure in American politics.” Fears of being hit by a huge wrench haunted the Boeing engineer’s mind as he reluctantly agreed to take on the task of designing the 120 specialized B-52 bombers.
The building of the planes had to be kept top-secret. The American public would be outraged if they knew how much money was being spent on this domestic surveillance operation. This project would require at least 20 engineers. That was a lot of mouths to be kept shut, and Dulles only had one wrench. So, Dulles vetted the engineers carefully. He wanted to hire engineers who had no family and no friends, so that they would have no one to squeal to about the project. Dulles conducted interviews with over 100 engineers, trying to find the biggest “losers” he could. Each interview was recorded on cassette tape. An early patriot of the Birds Aren’t Real movement managed to steal a box of these tapes from an undisclosed warehouse in the state of Nevada. A partial transcript of one of these tapes follows below.
ALLEN DULLES
I see on your resume that you went to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
Yes, sir.
ALLEN DULLES
That’s a great school and all, but let me ask you a question, junior. Do you know how to keep your mouth shut?
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
Pardon?
ALLEN DULLES
Do you know how to keep your mouth shut? Keep that little clap-trap of yours closed real tight?
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
Uh … yes, sir.
ALLEN DULLES
How about your personal life? Do you have any family?
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
No, sir. I’m single, no children.
ALLEN DULLES
Any siblings? Parents?
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
No, sir. I have no siblings, and my parents are no longer with us. My father passed away just last month.
ALLEN DULLES
Awesome.
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
What?
ALLEN DULLES
Nothing. So what do you do for fun?
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
I’m not sure. I work a lot, so …
ALLEN DULLES
So you don’t have much of a social life?
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
No, I suppose not.
ALLEN DULLES
No friends?
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
No, not really.
(Unintelligible noise, possibly a sniffle from the engineer)
ALLEN DULLES
Last question: have you ever been hit in the head with a huge wrench?
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
No.
ALLEN DULLES
Would you like to be?
* * *
BOEING ENGINEER
What?
ALLEN DULLES
Would you like to be hit in the head with a huge wrench?
Copyright © 2024 by Peter McIndoe and Connor Gaydos