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Self-Discovery
HOW TO BE YOURSELF
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
Aristotle
The phrase “Just be yourself” is something we often hear from well-meaning loved ones before things like a job interview or a date. But it’s a phrase that I have personally struggled with, as being yourself can be a tricky task if you’re not sure who that person is.
“Be myself?” But what if others don’t like that person? What if they don’t want to hire that person? What if they don’t want to date that person? I have a better plan: I’ll suss out who I think they want me to be and I’ll give them that! Good idea, right…? I certainly used to think so.
It took quite some time for me to realize that “be yourself” doesn’t equate to morphing my personality to suit the person I’m with. Don’t get me wrong, it can be fine to claim in an interview that we understand the minutiae of Excel or Adobe if we know that that’s what is needed, but there’s more of our deeper sense of self at risk if we are willing to alter our core values and behaviors depending on the company we’re in.
Being yourself isn’t something we can suddenly “switch on.” We don’t wake up one morning and decide “Hmmm … I might start being my full, authentic self today,” like it’s been hanging at the back of the wardrobe, just waiting for the right weather. Rather, it is an ongoing process based on lots of choices that we make daily, so try not to worry if you don’t yet feel that you’ve got it all sorted.
In my experience as a therapist, someone with this concern comes into my office almost every day. So you’re by no means the only one who “can’t get it right” while everyone else can.
WHAT IS THE SELF?
Before we think further about self-discovery, let’s take a moment to consider our concept of what the “self” actually is. The foundations of our sense of self form early in life, shaped and influenced by a multitude of experiences. Some of these include:
* Early exchanges with our caregivers* How loving and reassuring these relationships were* How self-aware our primary caregivers were* The expectations and wishes of those around us* The environment we grew up in* The emotional stability of the household we were raised in* The schooling we may have received* Interactions with our peers* The societal valuing of certain identities over others, such as the entrepreneur, the athlete, the model, etc.From the growth of mainstream self-development and an ever increasing focus on being the most productive (i.e. “successful”) version of ourselves we can be, a notion of an ideal self has emerged—of a person who is so self-aware that they can rise above anxiety, doesn’t feel triggered by anything, wakes at 5 a.m. each morning to meditate, and is, generally, wise beyond belief.
But this notion of a “perfect,” static self is a mythical one. A fantasy self that is fixed, predictable, and consistently consistent.
I don’t know about you but, to me, it actually sounds a bit boring, a bit robotic … And it’s certainly unrealistic! Yet many of us might be battling with this notion of the mythical Self—as if it’s what we should all be striving for.
And when we break this down, it’s understandable that we might think this. After all, how do we know what parts of us are, or could be, our true selves? And what parts of us are constructs that have formed in response to our experiences in life so far?
The Self is not just one thing; it is formed of many moving parts. And yes, that can mean that our awkward teen self is as much “us” as our mature, grown-up self.
We will never know and understand everything about ourselves—although in a time that seems rather obsessed with productivity and optimization, it can be easy to feel pressured to try to reach this goal.
As such, it can be useful to take a moment now and again to simply check in with what self-discovery expectations you’re placing on yourself. Do they need tweaking to be more realistic? After all, you weren’t formed to fit inside the parameters of a neat little box, whether it be of your own creation or someone else’s.
You may at first be resistant to the notion that some parts of yourself will always remain a mystery. So you might need time to come to terms with the idea of not knowing every aspect of who you are.
It’s useful to remember in this respect that we all have finite energy. And when we dig our heels in, determined that things be a certain way, we use up a lot of this energy; energy that could be better used on getting out and exploring the world.
To discover and uncover who we are, it’s important that we let go of the idea of the self as a destination, or as one concrete, all-seeing, all-doing, all-positive entity.
We’re all just human—full of both light and shadow. We’re going to make mistakes. More than that, we need to make mistakes.
Self-discovery is about continuously ebbing and flowing toward who we are. So it’s important to give yourself permission to go out and discover.
It can be difficult to “just be yourself” if:
* As a child, individuality and self-expression weren’t encouraged* We’ve experienced abandonment in our lives* We were subjected to bullying, either growing up or in adult relationships* We were criticized for showing the weird and wonderful sides of ourselves that we all have* We don’t fit the mold of what society wants of us.MAKING A CONTINUAL CHOICE TO BE OURSELVES
Learning to be ourselves can be some of the hardest and bravest work we ever have to do. It is something that many of us think about a lot—as we continue to meet, confront, and create different aspects of ourselves every day. As such, it’s useful to see the process of continual discovery as a blessing, rather than a curse; a salve rather than a suffering.
Each and every day we’re presented with multiple opportunities either to move toward our true selves or to hang back and take the path of least resistance.
Sometimes the choice is pretty straightforward, such as deciding what to listen to, what new show to binge-watch on Netflix, what to read, or what to eat. These are decisions that pose little risk to our sense of self, particularly if we’re making the decisions when alone.
However, other opportunities present much greater challenges in terms of feeling into who we truly are, so feel more intimidating. For example, we might have a different opinion to our partner and battle with whether to “just go along with it” or speak up. We might disagree with the behavior of a parent but feel it isn’t our place to say something. Another’s expectations of us may clash with our own view of our self, but we feel a pressure to collude …
It took several years of inner work for me to be able to gain this perspective on my sense of self but doing so was liberating. When you consider your sense of self as a fixed destination, or a list of milestones, you can easily fall into the trap of labeling yourself in some way, such as “boring” or “behind in life.” When you think of the self as in constant movement, on the other hand—as a daily “becoming”—you introduce the possibility of inviting in some playfulness, some curiosity, and some compassion.
In the end, we always risk more by trying to be someone we are not in our daily interactions than by being ourselves. While on the surface each small decision may seem minor, the cumulative effect is ultimately one of self-loss.
WHAT IS SELF-LOSS?
Self-loss is the feeling of not knowing who we are, or a sense of disconnection from ourselves. This may be a long-standing disconnection that we experience throughout our lives, or something more sudden.
Signs of Self-Loss:
* Feeling unfulfilled with your life as it is* Distrusting your own judgment* Behaving impulsively and seeking instant gratification* Struggling to make decisions on things that wouldn’t have bothered you before, then second-guessing the decision you finally make* Becoming more critical of yourself and others* Being drawn to co-dependent relationships (relationships in which one partner is dependent on the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed)* Finding it difficult to establish a deeper connection with those around you.When we experience self-loss, we might find ourselves thinking things like:
I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I like. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know what my life is about or what I want from it. I feel panicked, unmotivated, worried, scared, indecisive, numb even. I feel like I’m failing. I feel like everyone has their shit together, except me. I feel behind.
This can be frightening, so it’s important to address any feelings of self-loss as soon as they arise.
TRIGGERS FOR SELF-LOSS
Self-loss can be caused by a number of factors, most commonly:
* Relationships* Family units* Grief* Trauma* Changing rolesRelationships
Sometimes we become so deeply enmeshed with another person that, before we know it, we’ve lost all sense of who we were before the relationship with that person began. In cases like this, we tend to prioritize the needs of our partner over our own needs. And sometimes the relationship can become controlling or abusive in some way, causing us to step away from our friendships and activities in order to keep the peace.
Sometimes, by society’s standards, a certain romantic relationship might not be viewed as much of a relationship at all because, for example, it wasn’t “Facebook Official,” or it lasted little under a season; and yet, when it ends, we feel distraught. Conversely, another relationship might last for years, yet we don’t feel as bad as we expect after it ends as we’ve retained some kind of sense of ourselves in it.
Here’s the thing about relationships—time cannot quantify the effect particular connections can have on our lives. Relationships represent more to us than the sum of their parts. This becomes particularly clear when we find ourselves unable to understand post-break-up heartache, especially if the relationship was brief or the break-up was initiated by you.
Relationships represent safety, aliveness, a rough draft of a possible future. So when we enter into one, we start to entertain the idea of what it might be like to let this person in fully. When a relationship ends, we therefore grieve more than just the loss of the particular person in question. Instead, we grieve the loss of everything that relationship represented to us and everything we believed it could have come to represent. So remember to be gentle with yourself in such times.
The Family Unit
All children need what is referred to in psychotherapy as a “secure base” in order to grow into adults with a balanced sense of self.
When caregivers provide us with this secure base, we can explore our wider environment in the knowledge that we are not only safe, but that, on our return from our explorations, we will be met with presence, sensitivity, comfort, and love.
Unfortunately, however, there are many people whose parents never show up for them in this way, whether deliberately or otherwise. Some parents are doing the very best they can but are struggling with their own issues. Others are absent—either physically or emotionally, or both. And, sadly, others are sometimes just cruel or unpredictable. As our sense of self is formed in early childhood, any of these examples of an “insecure base” can leave us with a faint sense of self.
Early negative interactions often become lessons we internalize. So, for example, if a child’s cries are met with verbal or physical aggression, the child may begin to associate reaching out for help with pain. As a result, they may begin to deny the emotional parts of themselves that give rise to the aggression in the other. Having to reject parts of the self in childhood in this way is then likely to give them a propensity toward disconnection and self-loss in adulthood. And so a pattern created in childhood journeys with us into adulthood; often early childhood trauma can extend far into adulthood, even if our memories do not.
Grief
The death of a loved one can uproot even the surest of selves. Grief tends to shake us to the core, leaving us feeling completely and utterly adrift. And while this sense of loss is often to be expected around the passing of those in our inner circle, a similarly deep sense of loss can come as a shock when it’s about, for example, someone we weren’t particularly close to—sometimes someone we had never even met. Indeed, the death of a pet, for example, so habitually negated by society, may be one of the most profound losses we’ve experienced thus far. We spend so much of our time avoiding the topic of death and its inevitability, not just individually but in society at large, that when someone in our acquaintance passes, our usual avoidance of the reality of death is rudely interrupted.
We may find that after a death, we begin to question our own life choices and priorities. What once seemed so important suddenly might seem frivolous, making a certain disconnection from our sense of self inevitable. We might also find ourselves frustrated at those around us for their inconsequential hang-ups, which can feel prickly and distressing. But remember, the thistles will lessen with time.
Although it may not feel like it right now, when some time has passed, looking anew at our priorities and taking the chance to reset our sense of self can be empowering, if we let it. Author Mitch Albom said it beautifully in Tuesdays with Morrie: “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” While this is true for the relationship with the loved one who has passed, it is also true of the relationship you have with yourself. You’re not gone or truly lost; you’re just hidden underneath grief, taking care of your pain as best you can.
Trauma
Trauma is a response we have to any event or experience that overwhelms our capacity to process and cope. It impacts how we think, feel, perceive, and process, affecting us physically, emotionally, psychologically, socially, and often also spiritually—causing us to experience a form of self-loss.
What is highly distressing and traumatic to one person may not cause the same response in another. For example, the loss of a pet or a sibling moving away will cause very different reactions in different people. This is why understanding the effect of an event on someone is much more significant to determining trauma than the details of the event itself.
Validation of our experience of trauma is integral to our capacity to reconnect with ourselves but this can sometimes be incredibly difficult for us to do. Often we might have invalidating thoughts such as “I should be doing better,” “I should be over this already,” “Others have it worse,” or “They went through the same thing and they’re fine.” Note the element of comparison at play in many of these self-dismissive thoughts.
What’s important to remember here is that we all experience trauma differently, we all heal differently, and our responses do not indicate either strength or weakness.
How we process trauma depends on many factors, such as our biological make-up, the nature of the event, and access to support. Our response to trauma is our brain and body doing what they need to do in order to keep us safe, so if you’re feeling a disconnection from yourself as a result of trauma, know that what you’re experiencing is a rational reaction. Next time you catch those invalidating claims sneaking in therefore, remind yourself that your process is uniquely your own and cannot be compared to another’s. Even invisible wounds require care.
Changing Roles
From an early age, we receive all sorts of messages, whether consciously or subconsciously, about what’s “cool” and what’s not, what’s “good” and what’s not. We’ll look further at roles in the family later in the book, but for now let’s think back to our school years, where we were inundated with social information.
You can study for your exam, but it’s not a good idea for people to know that you have.
Butterfly clips are the height of style and you have to get on it, quick.
It’s not OK to fancy her!
Be Yourself! But no … not like that!
What is acceptable here? What could get me thrown out of this group? There’s safety in belonging, so, as children, we learn from a young age what interests and inclinations could become a barrier to our inclusion. And as we filter all this information, we learn what roles to play to our advantage. These roles aren’t always hugely different to our “real” selves; sometimes they’re just slightly different or muted versions, where our eccentricities are dialed down, for example.
Sometimes it’s even the loss of one of the roles we play that can leave us feeling disconnected from who we are. As I came to terms with my diagnosis of inflammatory bowel disease, for example, I felt a loss of autonomy and also of my role as “The Drama Kid,” who was at home on stage. I was now “The Crohn’s Kid,” “The Sick Kid.” Similarly, if we end a long-term relationship, we might feel unsure who we are outside of the role we have been playing in it. If we finish college or a particular job, we might find ourselves lost without the structure of the academic year or the office environment. Some parents feel guilty when they have newborns for missing aspects of their pre-parent selves. And other parents feel anchorless when their children leave home. A loss is a loss, and all losses can be felt keenly.
Take 5: Me, Myself, & I
Start exploring your own experiences of self-loss up until now by asking yourself the following questions:
* Which forms of my “self” did I need to be growing up?* Who did I need to be in order to be accepted by my friends?* Who did I need to be loved by in my relationships?Alternate the “did” above with “do,” place them in a current context, and see how your answers look now.
Ways We Avoid Addressing Self-Loss:
* Drastically changing who we are depending on who we’re with* Mimicking others* Going along with others’ expectations* Becoming unhealthily attached within our relationships* Not forming or expressing our own opinions* Automatically accepting the opinions of others as the “right” one* Saying yes when we mean no* Numbing out through overworking, substance use, exercise, etc.AVOIDING SELF-LOSS
I tried to avoid confronting the feeling of loss within myself for many years. I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, but I grafted to avoid it. I was unable to see that all I was doing by avoiding it was postponing dealing with it. There are some necessary pains in life that we can’t escape but I was willing to try, because confronting them would mean having to work toward accepting the person that I really was—something I really didn’t want to do because, ultimately, I detested who I was.
I avoided, avoided, avoided. Until I couldn’t avoid anymore. I hit that low point—the one you hear people speak about, but you never think will happen to you. The enormity of my own sadness and anxiety overwhelmed me. I couldn’t sleep. The anxiety attacks began. And my usually quite dormant Crohn’s disease kicked into high gear. When we stop listening, eventually the body screams.
Bringing your fears into focus might seem risky, as if paying attention to them will amplify them, make them even worse. It’s only human that we want to distance ourselves from unpleasant emotions and sensations. Why would we choose to intentionally welcome discomfort? But, as Carl Jung said, “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” And this was essentially why I found myself in a therapy session at the age of twenty-three and why I had to eventually face rather than flee my feelings.
Copyright © 2022 by Sarah Crosby
