INTRODUCTION
I still get the old-timey newspaper delivered. Every morning I walk out, wave to my neighbors, pick up the paper and proudly bring it inside. But lately I’ve just been tossing it in a pile with the other unopened newspapers. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood for a scary movie.
When I’m in this state it’s comforting to slow down and look to the past in order to realize that I’m not alone. We belong to something greater—an ongoing story that has been written throughout time and has now been handed off to us. Whether we like it or not, we’re all in this together.
No single person made the world we live in. There wasn’t one guy or gal who invented the computer, the Styrofoam cooler or that elastic band that holds your underwear up. Zillions of little decisions made by millions of little minds have unknowingly worked together to create this complex and fantastic world. It’s nice to know that while I’m working on perfecting my olive bread there are people out there helping us to live healthier lives, fighting injustice and coming up with new flavors of soft serve ice cream.
Thankfully, people have been succeeding and screwing up for centuries, leaving us an ancient treasure map full of experiences, directions and clues that can help guide us along. If we can just pay attention and avoid the quicksand, sea monsters and murderous pirates, we’ll be okay.
Humans have figured out how to eat, how to sleep and how to cheat on their taxes for years. Whatever question you have, someone has asked it before you. How am I going to eat this Oreo? How often should I floss? What happens when one of the kids flushes a pile of Legos down the toilet?
And the bigger questions: Can I live with someone who isn’t a good kisser? How do I explain to my dog that I’m seeing other people? Is it normal to have fantasies about leaving my family and joining a mariachi band? These problems have all been faced before.
Sure, we’re all unique and you are special, you little you, but on the other hand, we’re all pretty much the same. We all eventually start to walk and talk and pick out ill-fitting shirts and get bad haircuts. We make mistakes, trip over nothing and proudly enter a party without realizing our fly is open, and that’s okay.
We also made smartphones and cars. We made stuffed-crust pizza, churros and cannoli. We made zippers that work and Velcro that works even better. We made plastic, deodorant and bubble gum. And the really smart ones are improving medicine, saving lives and hopefully will figure out the global thermostat and lower the temperature a bit.
We collectively move forward while deciding what’s worth keeping. Luggage with wheels? We’ll keep it. Selfie sticks? No, thank you. And where have all the electric can openers gone? There was a time when they were on every counter; now it’s been decided, without a single meeting, that the handheld works just fine and the counter space should be used for the latest air fryer they say we can’t live without.
But as incredible as we are, there are also primitive instincts in all of us that, if gone unchecked, threaten to slow all the progress we’ve made. Yes, we invented flight and airplanes and an intricate airline system that transports human beings safely around the globe. We did all of that, but we are also capable of jumping out of our seats, hiking up our denim board shorts and making a run for the emergency exit at thirty thousand feet.
The current disconnect and discontentment that many people are feeling out there are very real, causing full-grown adults to lash out in the aisles of Target like toddlers who are overwhelmed by the world around them. As institutions change, human rights are challenged or taken away, and digital isolation cuts us off from one another, we need to find new ways to connect.
I know that connecting with your fellow man can be uncomfortable. Locking eyes with a stranger on a crowded shuttle bus—or even worse, when you are the only two on the shuttle bus—can be pretty weird, but it’s important.
We truly need one another, and all have our part to play. And just in case anyone reading this is responsible for improving soft serve ice cream, let me just say that I’m a fan of your chocolate-and-vanilla swirl, but I often wonder what it would taste like with just a hint of sourdough. Somebody must have given it a try and if not, hopefully, you’ll get on that.
YOU’RE NOT TOTALLY CRAZY
From the minute I laced up my Converse All Stars and walked out of the comfort of my childhood home and into Miss Conway’s kindergarten class, I was keenly aware that I was different. This wasn’t good.
Suddenly, the orange corduroy pants I wore, the stuff my mom made for lunch and the dances I did so proudly at home were called out, mocked and turned into nicknames that I never asked for. I didn’t want to be known as Tommy Salami. I wanted to blend in and be normal. I still do.
But as my grandmother would say while she fished a paper towel out of her bra to pat down her sweaty forehead, “There’s no such thing as normal. Everybody’s a mess.”
Nana was kind of right. It’s true that we’re all a bit of a disaster, but I would argue that’s precisely what makes us normal. Despite what the schoolyard bullies may have attacked you for, all our odd and quirky behaviors are universal.
So when you get dressed for work and reach into the pockets of what you thought was a clean pair of pants and you find a mix of dog treats, rubber bands and Hershey’s Kiss wrappers, don’t assume that you can’t wear those pants. Sure, it’s obvious they’ve already been worn, and you may not even have a dog, but how often do pants need to be washed, anyway? If you can’t smell them from across the room, throw on your shoes, fix your hair and get going. Everybody does this; you’re totally normal.
It’s also normal to see a good friend of yours on the street, stop, turn and run the other way. This may be someone you love. You’ve been to their home. You’ve celebrated holidays together. And now you’re ducked behind a mailbox, just praying they don’t see you as they pass by. Well, don’t feel bad about what you did, because I promise you, they’ve walked away from you too. That’s what friends do.
They see you coming at the farmers market and quickly hide behind a bunch of plantains. Does this mean they prefer the company of a strange banana to you? No, they just couldn’t deal with you and all your stuff at that moment. Neither of you are selfish or antisocial, you’re just people with issues and complicated faces and what you did was normal.
Being a person means that you contain a certain amount of rude self-interest that needs to be balanced with the interests of others, and sometimes they lose. I’d love to say that I constantly help everyone around me and put their interests first, but that’s simply not true. I’d like to be the guy who brings in the neighbor’s garbage cans or helps set up for the school play, but I’m not even that helpful to the family I live with.
I never stir the oil into a new jar of peanut butter. My family wants that all-natural stuff that comes with two inches of oil on top and requires a half hour of intense stirring that results in a greasy, slimy mess on me, the knife and the sides of the jar. Fine, I’ll buy it, but I’m not stirring it.
“What is wrong with you? It’s your turn,” my wife will say.
“It can’t be my turn, because I’m not playing that game.”
“What game?”
“The stupid peanut butter game. I’d happily open a jar of Jif if you’d like.”
This is when she walks away muttering something about her life choices.
My wife complains and the kids think I’m an idiot, but we all have to make a stand at some point, and I do it on the nut butter battlefield.
Have you ever found yourself unwrapping and eating an entire Clif Bar while shopping in the supermarket and it’s not until you’ve eaten half of it and your blood sugar settles that you realize you haven’t paid for it yet and a nagging little voice in your head that sounds a lot like your mother’s starts calling you a thief? I have.
But are you a criminal because you act like all this food is yours for the taking? Are you a dirty, no-good shoplifter because you never told the cashier about the Clif Bar and instead of showing her the wrapper and starting the whole transaction over again you just smiled and scanned your card? No, you’re a good person, and that extra dollar you added to support St. Jude’s proves it. Technically, you took something that didn’t belong to you, and sure, maybe you grabbed more free cheese cube samples than you should have and scooped up some jelly beans from the bulk candy bins when no one was looking, but trust me, what you did happens all the time, so take a deep breath, smile at the security guard and hope the alarm doesn’t go off when you leave the store.
When you’re back in your car sitting at a red light, and you find yourself staring straight ahead but not really looking at anything and your mind drifts back to that time in high school when those bullies were picking on that kid who wore his night brace during the day and you thought that you should say something to stop them but you didn’t, and all these years later you wish you could go back and protect him but then you hear car horns honking and people cursing at you, and you suddenly realize you’re a grown-up driving a car and you’re making everybody angry and really need to snap out of it, don’t feel bad. It’s totally normal. Everybody does this.
Do you feel a little better about yourself? Well, you should, because what you’re doing is typical and you’re no better or worse than anybody else. Have you lost track of what I’m talking about because you started thinking about dinner somewhere during the last two paragraphs and how you probably shouldn’t eat so many carbs but the idea of pizza and some garlic knots sounds like something that absolutely has to be stuffed into your face as soon as possible? Yeah, that happens. Go ahead and place the order and then come back and reread what you missed.
And I know you feel bad about not having sent that thank-you note to your sister for the gift she gave you and that you really want to do it, not so much because the Santa and Mrs. Claus salt and pepper shakers were so great, but because you want her to know what a good person you are, but don’t beat yourself up about it.
Everybody wants to write thank-you notes and no one does because putting an actual pen to actual paper and then finding a stamp and an envelope and licking it with your actual tongue and walking it all the way down to that ancient building they call the post office is one of the hardest things to do in life. Sure it would be nice, but come on, she’s your sister, shouldn’t she already know you’re thankful? And honestly, if she’s mad, well, that’s on her. Sisters are always blowing things out of proportion.
You’ll see her at the holidays and you can give her a little extra hug so she knows you love her. Maybe you’ll even get her a special gift. One that’s a little nicer than the other gifts you’ll give, and definitely nicer than what she gave you and costs just a little bit more and you will wrap it with a really fancy, shiny ribbon like they use on presents in the movies.
Yeah, that would be a really nice thing to do. You’re always coming up with these great ideas, but for some reason always have trouble following through. You probably won’t follow through on this one either, but don’t worry about it, you’re totally normal.
Copyright © 2023 by Tom Papa
