1
BENEDICT MAXIMUS PENDLETON
“I’m very handsome. I don’t really think this is a question of opinion. I am objectively handsome,” I said to Robert, who was staring at his roast-beef sandwich. He always stared at his sandwiches. This made it difficult to have conversations. I’ve talked to him about it. He’s working on the problem.
“I agree, Benedict,” Robert said to me. Toward the roast beef but to me.
“Of course you agree. You are a logical person. I am six feet one inch tall, slender but not skinny because I do fifty push-ups every morning and every night. My eyes and nose are proportional. My ears might be slightly large for my head, but my thick head of hair, which I style every day, should more than compensate. I also dress very well. Not trendy. I dress with sophistication.”
“I like how you dress,” Robert said.
“Thank you. I know you do. Sports jackets are woefully underrepresented in the wardrobes of today’s teenagers. Do you know why I am telling you this, Robert?”
“No.”
“I am telling you this, Robert, because I think it is time I get a girlfriend.”
“You’ve never had a girlfriend.”
“I know! Obviously. But only because my dad told me I could not date until I was sixteen. He wanted me to concentrate on school. This was great advice.”
“Your dad is very smart.”
“He is. Obviously. But I turn seventeen in six days and not one girl has expressed interest in me the past year, and though some of the fault must lie in the female student population of Riverbend High School, I must also admit that, with my having been on the proverbial sidelines of the dating scene until a year ago, they might not be aware of my availability and interest.”
* * *
In the several seconds it took Robert to respond, Evil Benny started talking in my head. Evil Benny is not real. I’m not crazy. It’s just self-doubt. I call this voice, this self-doubt, Evil Benny because I want to make sure my better self differentiates itself from my lesser self. And Evil Benny, obviously, is my lesser self. It is easier to ignore Evil Benny if I make him a separate person. I don’t actually think he’s a separate person. That would make me crazy, which I have already stated I am not. I just make him separate in my head. Evil Benny says very untrue, very destructive things like “You don’t have a girlfriend because you are very unlikable.” So, obviously, destructive thoughts are not productive. That’s why he’s Evil Benny and must be ignored. I will expunge him, and self-doubt entirely, from my head someday soon. I am sure of it.
* * *
“I’d like a girlfriend,” Robert said, which made me happy since it was easier to ignore Evil Benny when I could talk.
“Robert…” I started, but then stopped. I was about to tell him that he was not objectively handsome. Robert wouldn’t have minded me telling him this. He enjoyed that I was always honest with him. But I fear my practice of being blunt with Robert since we were twelve has led me to be blunt with others, which may be a third reason for my current lack of girlfriend. Girls, see, prefer that you lie to them. So I have decided to start lying to Robert about certain things. As practice for when I have a girlfriend. Thus I said to Robert, “Yes, I agree. You and I both should get a girlfriend.” Though, obviously, I would get a girlfriend first, and then my girlfriend would provide one of her less attractive friends for Robert to date.
Copyright © 2016 by b. t. gottfred
